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Dear Miss Wendy,
My old boyfriend, Whacko,
was paroled from prison a year ago (minor drug dealing
charges, nothing serious). After he got it, he had
nowhere to go. He certainly could not go back to
Long Island to live with his lame parents, so I
let him move back into my East Village studio apartment
with my new boyfriend (Jack) and myself. I know
this sounds a little weird, but this is New York
and rents are high and he is the nicest guy and
we did build a loft so everyone could have a little
bit of privacy to do...well, you know. And it’s
working out really well. Whacko started making money
immediately so he is paying almost all the rent
and buying the groceries and TP and stuff. Whacko
DJ’s a lot and he gets us into all these cool
clubs and the three of us have a lot of fun together
and they (my ex and my on) even get along when they
are stuck together at home when I go to my dumb
office job. So you see, things are working out really
When Whacko was in prison, he
spent a lot of time reading self improvement books
and when he got out, he got us all motivated to
go to the David Barton gym. And then we all started
getting a lot of really cool tattoos (another prison
thing). Well, maybe we got a little carried away,
but now we all have incredible muscle cuts which
look super with all the tattoos on our arms, legs,
backs, stomach, butts etc.
But here is my problem. My cousin
Missy from Muskogee, Oklahoma is getting married
next month and she asked me to be a bridesmaid.
I had not seen Missy in over a year so I flew down
there last weekend (at my own expense, thank you
very much) to be fitted for my dress. Well, when
Missy saw me she threw a hissy fit and said that
I could not be in her wedding looking the way I
do. Well, I wanted to be the reasonable one and
try to work things out, so I told her that if my
tattoos were a problem, I could pick up some long
sleeved brides maid dresses from one of the Hassidic
shops in Brooklyn. Missy screamed, "The wedding
is in August!" Then she threw a box of tiaras
at me and told me to get the f*ck out of her bedroom.
Well, now Missy is not taking
my phone calls. Every time I phone her mother answers
the phone and says, “You know what you did,
you….you…. tattooed lady.” This
is a real problem because Wacko, Jack and I have
already bought non refundable airlines tickets so
we can all attend the wedding and then go on to
a rave in Oklahoma City. What should we do?
East Village Doll
Nothing says revenge like a backless red cocktail dress. Buy three matching dresses for Jacko, Whacko and yourself and march yourselves down the aisle and sit right down on the bride’s side of the church. In today’s strange world, you are all extended family and family should stand together at a time like this. And if Jacko and Whacko don’t object to wearing the dresses, please write again. Miss Wendy suspects that you have another problem and may need additional advice. .
Dear Miss Wendy,
I just found out that I have
crabs. What should I do?
Creeping and Crawling
How should I know? Please refrain from using public toilets and do not write me again. Whatever will people think?
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