Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture
L-R: Michael Mazocco,
Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column
Dear Miss Wendy,
I am a New York City based
actress and I have been cast in a recurring role
in a LA soap opera. I am reluctantly relocating,
giving up my East Village sublet. I will be making
more money, but LA is very expensive and the only
place anywhere near LA that I could find an apartment
that would accept my three dogs, was the Valley.
I keep hearing about how sexually perverted everyone
is in the Valley – farm animals, pornographic
movies, strange positions, custom made trapezes,
weird props, medieval costumes, high tech electronic
devices etc. etc. . After all, the Valley is where
John Holmes (did you see Val Kilmer in Wonderland?)
used to let it hang. What’s a New York City
girl to do?
You are entirely too intrigued to be truly apprehensive.
And since you are moving from the East Village,
it is the Valley, not you, that should be apprehensive.
So please take things a little slow and not bring
your entire doctor’s bag full of tricks
on your first date/assignation.
And please, whatever you do, do not involve those
three dogs. They have been traumatized enough
by living in the East Village.
I am considering
buying a dog so I can meet some of the hot people
who walk their dogs in the parks in Manhattan.
Which breed would you suggest?
I like the way you are so open, referring to hot
people not just a hot guy or a hot girl. So here
is your list:
If you are a heterosexual upper Westider, buy
one of those wrinkly Shar Peis. They are great
for starting conversations. Walk it in the west
side of Central Park.
If you live on the upper Eastside, buy a Afghan
or a Dalmatian and be sure your coat, purse or
shoes match. Walk the darling on the east side
of Central Park.
If you are a gay man and live in Chelsea, buy
a poodle (bottom) or a mastiff (top). Walk either
of them in Hudson River Park.
If you live on the lower Eastside, buy a cat.
I am tired of dodging doggy-doo.
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