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Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher

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Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a New York City based actress and I have been cast in a recurring role in a LA soap opera. I am reluctantly relocating, giving up my East Village sublet. I will be making more money, but LA is very expensive and the only place anywhere near LA that I could find an apartment that would accept my three dogs, was the Valley. I keep hearing about how sexually perverted everyone is in the Valley – farm animals, pornographic movies, strange positions, custom made trapezes, weird props, medieval costumes, high tech electronic devices etc. etc. . After all, the Valley is where John Holmes (did you see Val Kilmer in Wonderland?) used to let it hang. What’s a New York City girl to do?

Sincerely,

Apprehensive


Dear Henny,

You are entirely too intrigued to be truly apprehensive. And since you are moving from the East Village, it is the Valley, not you, that should be apprehensive. So please take things a little slow and not bring your entire doctor’s bag full of tricks on your first date/assignation.

And please, whatever you do, do not involve those three dogs. They have been traumatized enough by living in the East Village.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am considering buying a dog so I can meet some of the hot people who walk their dogs in the parks in Manhattan. Which breed would you suggest?

Doggie Lover


Dear Doggie-do,

I like the way you are so open, referring to hot people not just a hot guy or a hot girl. So here is your list:

If you are a heterosexual upper Westider, buy one of those wrinkly Shar Peis. They are great for starting conversations. Walk it in the west side of Central Park.
If you live on the upper Eastside, buy a Afghan or a Dalmatian and be sure your coat, purse or shoes match. Walk the darling on the east side of Central Park.
If you are a gay man and live in Chelsea, buy a poodle (bottom) or a mastiff (top). Walk either of them in Hudson River Park.

If you live on the lower Eastside, buy a cat. I am tired of dodging doggy-doo.

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