L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher

Dear Miss Wendy,

I want to date this girl I met at a bar. She is a dead ringer for Paris Hilton – she dresses like her and talks like her. She even has a Swarovski-crystal-studded Ipod (she gave away her Sidekick after Paris lost hers). I am afraid she might be really dumb, what should I do?

Sincerely,

Blackberry Man

Dear Blackie,

First of all, blondes are not dumb (Miss Wendy takes a special exception to that remark) and Paris Hilton is especially not dumb. In fact, Ogilvy and Mather should hire Paris as their new creative director. Paris is an amazing marketeer and has an uncanny skill for “branding.” Everyone knew who she was before she did anything except go to a nightclub (where she managed to talk the management into letting her in when she was like fifteen years old!!!). And if you are thinking, “So, who cares? That girl has nothing but money and time; becoming a celebrity was easy for her,” just let me ask you, when was the last time you saw Ivanka Trump or Diane Von Furstenberg’s daughter or daughter-in-law, or even all of Mick Jagger’s daughters, in People magazine? These girls are all equally gorgeous and rich and you only read about them in magazines like W.

But back to the object of your desire. Copying Paris Hilton is definitely a step down from being Paris Hilton. This girl is definitely not as creative as Paris, but if she is getting it down right, she is definitely a hard worker. The Paris look isn’t easy – it requires a lot of time spent shopping, working out in the gym and vomiting. And as to your real question, whether this girl will be good in bed - just watch the Paris Hilton sex tape. You know your new “friend” has watched it and this way you can anticipate her “moves.”

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am an actor who is relocating from Manhattan to Los Angeles. Just how weird are the people in LA? And what should I expect when I go out for the evening?

Yours truly,

Nervous but taking Prozac

Dear Prozie,

Los Angeles is truly a weird and strange place. And even though the “finger” popped up in the chilli in San Jose and Michael Jackson's trial is taking place in Santa Maria, it is all LaLaland in my book. It is different out there. You can go home with someone expecting to have sex and instead be asked to join a celibate cult that eats nothing but organically grown vegetables - and gardens in the nude. If you were going to do that, you may as well have just moved to Connecticut.

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