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Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher

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Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a gay man in my 40’s and next month I am going on vacation to Oklahoma. I have never been to Oklahoma before and would like to know a little about the sexual mores before I arrive.


Oklahoma Bound

Dear Okie,

First of all, why would you vacation in Oklahoma?

Oh very well, but if you absolutely insist on going, the polite thing to do would be to notify the Oklahoma Tourist Bureau of your impending arrival so they can make arrangements to have a photographer meet you at the airport. They should be thrilled to actually have a tourist and you may even end up on the six o’clock news.

But, back to the sexual mores of the citizens of Oklahoma, people in Oklahoma are made like people everywhere so the percentage of gay gays to straight guys in Oklahoma should be the same as in any other state in the nation. But be careful, if you see a man dressed in a tight western suit that is studded with diamonds and should decide to follow him into a bar, he may just turn out to be a country singer and the bar may be the Oklahoma version of Houston’s Billy Bob’s. Perhaps there is a difference in how they wear their pants (Country and Western singers versus the glitter boys), but I have never been able to figure it out.

P. S. Just in case you get stuck in a Oklahoma Karaoke bar (the residents may be trying to be trendy and get it wrong, AGAIN), please print out the lyrics to Hank Williams's I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry (below) and take them with you so you can have something appropriate to sing.

Hear that lonesome whipoorwill
He sounds to blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could die

I never seen a night, so long
When time go crawlin' by
The moon jest went behind the cloud
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When loved ones begin to die
That means he lost the one he loved
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Th silence of the fallin' star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you 'er
I'm so lonesome I could die


Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a Manhattan female and my biological clock if fast ticking away. Summer will be here soon and all the cool guys will leave the city every weekend. I am really strapped for cash but should I go to the Hamptons anyway?

Yours truly,

Dear Strappy,

If you are really interested in finding "the guy," don't waste your money going to the Hamptons. Spend the summer saving money, going to the gym and filling out your MBA application to the Stern School of Business at NYU. If being a MBA is really not your cup of tea (their group projects don't require bottles of Mazola
and plastic drop cloths), perhaps you will be successful early and can drop out of school and drop into Stepford-Wives-life in Connecticut. I know this sounds boring, but getting married and raising children is boring anyway so you might as well get used to boring. And if you think Miss Wendy's answer is BORING, next time ask me a question that has SOMETHING to do with sex.

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