Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy
R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher
here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column
Dear Miss Wendy,
I need your help! I need your random hook up stories. I just need you to think back to that time when we all used to bring home random dudes from a night out (assuming, of course, that we don’t do that anymore…or at least not as much).
I brought home a guy and he gets on top of me in
bed, takes his shirt off, and this huge gold Jesus
pendant that’s hanging around his neck keeps
smacking me in the forehead.
Or…I take some guy I kinda know home…we
hook up…the next morning we eat at the diner,
and he insists on saying grace before breakfast.
Anything about funny meetings would be even better…Like
you met him when you had to pee in the guys’
bathroom at a bar. Let me know any traditions you
would do before a night out…i.e.…pre-gaming
beforehand with the girls, taking roadies in the
cab, etc. – anything you can think of from
your glory days.
Note to readers: I know
this hussy and am not printing her name to protect
the innocence of her mother, doing roadies in a
cab, indeed! Was she banned from the the tour bus
again? But if you have any “experiences”
you wish to share, please forward to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
and I will forward your war stories to her.
You obviously think Miss Wendy
has a lot of energy or a really good memory. But
in the spirit of your inquiry, here is my list of
people and places where and with whom you should
not arrange hookups:
- A Christmas party. You are
drunk and there was a good reason you did not
date your co-workers before the party –
you have to see them under fluorescent lights
the next day.
- The dentist’s office
– not the dentist, the hygienist or the
patients – same bad lighting and BORING.
- Your CPA – he/she has
your social security number.
- Jail - anyone you meet while
incarcerated: fellow inmates; guards;unindicted
co-conspirators; lawyers; judges; jurors; probation
- Anyone you meet in a bar after
- Anyone you meet at a meeting
that ends with everyone standing in a circle holding
- Republicans – unless
they agree to not talk.
- Anyone you meet on the subway
or bus – they can’t afford cabs much
less your bar bill.
- Members of your acting class
– you will pay the bar bill.
- Comedians – especially
those who perform at the Upright Citizens Brigade
and think it is funny to ask me about my “hookups”.
Dear Miss Wendy,
My boyfriend has a barely discernible tattoo (he had laser treatments) on his butt which says, “I love Lance.” He insists that Lance was a girl and that the relationship was over ages ago and that is why he is having laser treatments in the first place and why am I making such a big deal out of one little tattoo. But I am concerned – what do you think?
There are not butts about it;
Lances have lances.
Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at email@example.com