Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher

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Dear Miss Wendy,

I need your help! I need your random hook up stories. I just need you to think back to that time when we all used to bring home random dudes from a night out (assuming, of course, that we don’t do that anymore…or at least not as much).

Examples:
I brought home a guy and he gets on top of me in bed, takes his shirt off, and this huge gold Jesus pendant that’s hanging around his neck keeps smacking me in the forehead.

Or…I take some guy I kinda know home…we hook up…the next morning we eat at the diner, and he insists on saying grace before breakfast.

Anything about funny meetings would be even better…Like you met him when you had to pee in the guys’ bathroom at a bar. Let me know any traditions you would do before a night out…i.e.…pre-gaming beforehand with the girls, taking roadies in the cab, etc. – anything you can think of from your glory days.

Sincerely,

Just Inquiring

Note to readers: I know this hussy and am not printing her name to protect the innocence of her mother, doing roadies in a cab, indeed! Was she banned from the the tour bus again? But if you have any “experiences” you wish to share, please forward to me at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com and I will forward your war stories to her.

Dear In,

You obviously think Miss Wendy has a lot of energy or a really good memory. But in the spirit of your inquiry, here is my list of people and places where and with whom you should not arrange hookups:

1. A Christmas party. You are drunk and there was a good reason you did not date your co-workers before the party – you have to see them under fluorescent lights the next day.
2. The dentist’s office – not the dentist, the hygienist or the patients – same bad lighting and BORING.
3. Your CPA – he/she has your social security number.
4. Jail - anyone you meet while incarcerated: fellow inmates; guards;unindicted co-conspirators; lawyers; judges; jurors; probation officers.
5. Anyone you meet in a bar after 1AM.
6. Anyone you meet at a meeting that ends with everyone standing in a circle holding hands.
7. Republicans – unless they agree to not talk.
8. Anyone you meet on the subway or bus – they can’t afford cabs much less your bar bill.
9. Members of your acting class – you will pay the bar bill.
10. Comedians – especially those who perform at the Upright Citizens Brigade and think it is funny to ask me about my “hookups”.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My boyfriend has a barely discernible tattoo (he had laser treatments) on his butt which says, “I love Lance.” He insists that Lance was a girl and that the relationship was over ages ago and that is why he is having laser treatments in the first place and why am I making such a big deal out of one little tattoo. But I am concerned – what do you think?

Sincerely,

Perplexed

Dear Perpy,

There are not butts about it; Lances have lances.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com