Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy
R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher
here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column
Dear Miss Wendy,
Do you have any Texas love advice
for Miss Britney Spears regarding her recent escapades?
By now everyone knows the story. Britney "forgot"
her panties and then "forgot" to keep
her legs together in the presence of the paparazzi
exposing everything in her Nether Land, including
her still red cesarean scar.
Now we all know what is going on: No woman over
the age of five has ever truly "forgotten"
to wear panties. But this poor girl has a soon-to-be-ex-husband
who blew a shit-load of her money and a new album
to promote, so the stakes and her skirt must be
high. Just think about it; Tara Reid is living proof
that simply slipping-a-nip won't jump start a career.
But just think what these goings-on are doing to
our economy? How are porn stars to make a living
when rock stars do their job for free? How will
they make their mortgage payment? Good portions
of the city of Chatsworth, California could go into
foreclosure. And what is to entice young men to
spend eight years studying gynecology when you can
see everything for free without even paying “membership
fees” to porn sites? MSNBC’s To
Catch a Predator may be cancelled because all
the perverts will simply be reading People Magazine.
So to keep these poor ladies (Lindsey Lohan seems
to be working hard to promote her career too) from
having to escalate to crawling under nightclub tables
to attract paparazzi attention, I propose Paparazzi
Panties: cute little thongs with stop signs, danger
signs, CD covers, hazardous waste signs (whatever?)
decals embroidered right on the crotch. This would
be fun for everyone at the peaking party and a great
relief for Rosie O'Donnell and the ladies' mothers.
Dear Miss Wendy,
And what about those Bush girls and their recent
misadventure/vacation in Argentina?
What misadventure? Just think about the pickle these
young ladies are in: They can’t go to Europe
to meet some hot men; they would be mobbed by protestors
and unable to leave their hotel room. So they take
a trip to the land of what should be the Republican
Paradise of Argentina and some street urchin steals
one of their purses (and just what does the Secret
Service have to say for themselves about that?).
It will be a least another two years before these
two can make an anonymous trip to Las Vegas and
its philosophy of “What happens here, stays
here.” And hopefully by then, Paris and her
panty-less posse will have moved their show on down
the road and the place will be full of ladies with
the good old fashioined Republican philosophy of,
“Sure you can see it, but show me the diamond
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