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New York Cool - Ask Miss Wendy

Ask Miss Wendy -  Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher

Click here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do you have any Texas love advice for Miss Britney Spears regarding her recent escapades?



Dear Hot,

By now everyone knows the story. Britney "forgot" her panties and then "forgot" to keep her legs together in the presence of the paparazzi exposing everything in her Nether Land, including her still red cesarean scar.

Now we all know what is going on: No woman over the age of five has ever truly "forgotten" to wear panties. But this poor girl has a soon-to-be-ex-husband who blew a shit-load of her money and a new album to promote, so the stakes and her skirt must be high. Just think about it; Tara Reid is living proof that simply slipping-a-nip won't jump start a career.

But just think what these goings-on are doing to our economy? How are porn stars to make a living when rock stars do their job for free? How will they make their mortgage payment? Good portions of the city of Chatsworth, California could go into foreclosure. And what is to entice young men to spend eight years studying gynecology when you can see everything for free without even paying “membership fees” to porn sites? MSNBC’s To Catch a Predator may be cancelled because all the perverts will simply be reading People Magazine.

So to keep these poor ladies (Lindsey Lohan seems to be working hard to promote her career too) from having to escalate to crawling under nightclub tables to attract paparazzi attention, I propose Paparazzi Panties: cute little thongs with stop signs, danger signs, CD covers, hazardous waste signs (whatever?) decals embroidered right on the crotch. This would be fun for everyone at the peaking party and a great relief for Rosie O'Donnell and the ladies' mothers.

Dear Miss Wendy,

And what about those Bush girls and their recent misadventure/vacation in Argentina?

Georgetown Gretchen

Dear Gretching,

What misadventure? Just think about the pickle these young ladies are in: They can’t go to Europe to meet some hot men; they would be mobbed by protestors and unable to leave their hotel room. So they take a trip to the land of what should be the Republican Paradise of Argentina and some street urchin steals one of their purses (and just what does the Secret Service have to say for themselves about that?). It will be a least another two years before these two can make an anonymous trip to Las Vegas and its philosophy of “What happens here, stays here.” And hopefully by then, Paris and her panty-less posse will have moved their show on down the road and the place will be full of ladies with the good old fashioined Republican philosophy of, “Sure you can see it, but show me the diamond first.”

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