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Billionaires for Bush

Written by Wendy R. Williams (with lots of help from the Billionaires)

Photographed by
Krisztina Fazekas

 

See the Billionaire Show Review in About Town

One Saturday afternoon last fall, I was standing in line at my local Starbucks at 16th and 1st when what should I see but a group of very elegantly dressed “Republicans.” Well, I am from Dallas, Texas of Neiman Marcus fame and I loved their clothes, but they did look a little out of place so I asked them what they were doing in “my” Starbucks (there were about a dozen of them and they did look hot in their Chanel and Armani-looking suits and Texas ladies like myself are notoriously outspoken).

They told me that they were the Billionaires for Bush and then blew me off (I was a little shabbily dressed that day and am a little nosy every day). Well it turns out that I had interrupted them in the midst of an "action" - they were congratulating the management of the Starbucks for fighting off their employee’s attempt to unionize.

But this December I was able to successfully accost the Billionaires and get them to agree to pose for us. I was also going to write an article about them for this feature. But when I asked the Billionaires to send me a copy of their mission statement, their statement was so hysterical that I decided to let the Billionaires tell their own story. But do read down and see my questions and their answers at the end of this article.


L-R: Rob Dapore (aka James Simon)
Diva Denz (aka Shilpa Narayan)
Doctor DeBooks (aka Mark Silverman)
Ivy League-Legacy (aka Melody Bates)

Ladies and Gentlemen – The Billionaires in Their Own Words!

Our Story: For much of the 20th century, democratic notions like "opportunity for all" and "public services" dominated American public policy, seriously threatening the privileges of wealth all Billionaires depend on. Government taxed the rich, regulated corporations, protected the environment and the average person felt increasingly entitled to share in America's prosperity. Ordinary people were educated for free and over 50 media companies helped give them a balanced picture of what the government and corporations were up to. These were dark days.

But we Billionaires fought back. We used our money to beat democracy at its own game. In the early 70s, we created think tanks like the Cato Institute, the American Enterprise Institute, and the Heritage Foundation. We paid scholars top dollar to come up with theories explaining why increasing our wealth was in everybody's interest, like our favorite, "trickle-down economics" - helping the rich get richer will eventually help the poor. Brilliant! Next we found the right performer to sell our ideas - Ronald Reagan. One of our own General Electric employees, not a great deal going on upstairs, easily controllable, totally in our pocket, and charming with the masses. Perfect! Finally, we focused on buying up the media to ensure that Americans know and think only what we want them to. We had a good run of it in the 80s. Unions were broken, industries deregulated, media relieved of the legal obligation to provide balanced news coverage, public services slashed and debt skyrocketed along with expenditures on our defense companies. Billionaires boomed!

But Reagan was a hard man to replace. We went a decade without a true champion. Then we found George W. George is more than the perfect puppet Reagan was; he's truly one of us. We don't have to convince him of the benefits of helping out the rich and powerful - he's known them all his life. Billionaires bought him the education his brains couldn't ( Andover, Yale and Harvard) and then bailed out his failed business ventures and paid his way into politics. As a result, George is as dedicated to realizing our vision for America as we are! But like Reagan, he's got a common touch. Democracy, baby, play the game!


Ivy League-Legacy (aka Melody Bates)
and Diva Denz (aka Shilpa Narayan)

George has done a fantastic job so far. And he's set things up nicely for the long-term, carefully appointing Billionaire-friendly judges to the bench, redrawing congressional district boundaries to favor our boys the Republicans and even letting our companies count the votes at election time! In fact, we think we're only one Presidency away from winning our long battle to ensure that America will always be a place where corporations come first, where no billionaire is left behind, where social services are a freak of history. In the end, the public is convinced that this is the best way to run the country, because we own the ideas, we own the media and best of all, we own the politicians! For more in that vein, with specifics - http://www.billionairesforbush.com/vision.php

Seriously though: Billionaires for Bush is a do-it-yourself grassroots media campaign and activist organization, using humor and street theater to expose politicians who support corporate interests at the expense of everyday Americans.

Our organization (over 90 chapters nationally on Nov. 2nd of last year) continues to highlight, “unspin”, and reframe the economic issues that affect people's lives.   Armed with tuxedos, evening gowns, hard facts and a humorous spin, we will re-engage those citizens outside of the process and reignite those within it.   See: www.billionairesforbush.com for more information.

Wendy’s Questions for Billionaires - With answers provided by: Doctor DeBooks aka Mark Silverman; Meg A. Bucks aka Elissa Jiji; Ivy League-Legacy aka Melody Bates; Liebling von Geld aka Yvonne Roen.

Wendy: Which card carrying party members carry better purses, the Democrats or the Republicans?

Doctor DeBooks: Well, we generally evaluate the quality of the purse by how easy it is to pull the purse strings.  Generally, we Billionaires have found the Republican purse strings more pliable in that regard, but rest assured, there are plenty of Democrats eager to dip into the Billionaire trough as well.  Plutocracy, Huzzah!

Meg A. Bucks: Republicans do seem open their purses to candidates and lobbyists with greater success. Most of the time (Jack Abramoff, you're in our thoughts, but don't call).

Ivy League-Legacy: I’ve actually outsourced the carrying of all of my purses. My entire Hermes crocodile collection is currently carried by a small child in Saipan. It costs me pennies on the dollar—AND I got a tax break out of it! Thanks, W!


Doctor DeBooks (aka Mark Silverman)
and Rob Dapore (aka James Simon)

Wendy: Where is it easier to live the Billionaire life style - New York or Los Angeles?

Meg A. Bucks: Why choose? I also like to keep a yacht moored in international waters, for those times when I need to get away from the prying eyes of the IRS or the SEC.

Liebling von Geld: The Billionaire lifestyle isn't mired in one coast or the other. By far our favorite coast is offshore--visit our untaxed profits in the Dutch West Indies!

Ivy League-Legacy: Frankly, I prefer Grand Cayman. Of course, thanks to the trifecta of global warming, incompetent emergency management and reckless environmental deregulation, I doubt LA or NY will be there for much longer. I’m personally buying up all the soon-to-be neo-coastline I can get my hands on in Nevada and Eastern Oregon.

Wendy: Is it more prestigious to drive around in a Mercedes McLaren (list price $350,000) or to continue being chauffeured around town in an old fashioned limousine?

Doctor DeBooks: Darling, it really doesn't matter whether the car is a new expensive Mercedes or an old-fashioned chauffeured limousine -- all that really matters is that, whatever car we're in, it gets the*lowest* mileage per gallon possible!!!  Remember, Global Warming Equals Better Tans!

Meg A. Bucks: I never do anything myself if I can pay someone less than minimum wage to do it for me, so I'd have to say the limo. But I also like the Hummer, because I get a tax break for buying one, and I know I'm helping Big Oil with every trip- after all, it's not how many miles per gallon, it's how many gallons per mile!

Wendy: Did any Billionaires drown in New Orleans or were they all put on Titanic-style first class lifeboats?

Meg A. Bucks: Heavens no, but did you hear about poor Trent Lott's house? We launched a fund to rebuild it on our website at www.BillionairesForBush.com. And of course our corporations have cashed in on the rebuilding contracts. All in all, it's worked out rather well for us.

Doctor DeBooks: Lifeboats??!! Please.  We have private Lear Jets if needed.  And that, by the way, is exactly why we've been under funding FEMA all these years.  Who needs government relief agencies? We can simply sail about in our hurricane-proof luxury yachts, and later sit in Trent Lott's re-built New Orleans mansion.  Ah, it warms my otherwise frigid Billionaire heart to find a way to use natural disasters to increase our lead in the class war.

Ivy League-Legacy: You know, Wendy, the Doctor is right. Economic growth and environmental sustainability are compatible, but we should never lose sight of the money that can be made from wrecking the environment. Think about it--rather than listen to the Army Corps of Engineers and take steps to reduce potential flood surges, George W. Bush bravely linked Gulf Coast wetland preservation to interstate commerce, ensuring the destruction of massive tracts of previously protected land. That’s just the kind of science we like—profit-based!

Ivy League-Legacy (aka Melody Bates)
and Rob Dapore (aka James Simon)

Doctor DeBooks (aka Mark Silverman)

 

Wendy: Have any Billionaire children died fighting in Iraq? 

Meg A. Bucks: Like the President and Vice President, and well most of the Republican leadership, Billionaires don't go into combat. That's why we have the middle class. And the poor. And Max Cleland, and John Murtha, and Charlie Rangel, and Daniel Inouye, and Al Gore and - wait, don't print that last part.

Ivy League-Legacy: Gosh, now you mention it, I can’t think of ONE Billionaire who has died fighting in Iraq. Certainly no one in my rolodex. It’s just more proof that it IS a class war, and we’re winning. I love that you use the word “children,” too—because one of our new initiatives as Billionaires For Bush’s War is all about the children. As recruits! We’re so pleased with the encroachment of junior ROTC programs into middle and even elementary public schools. Because if you’re old enough for fractions, you’re old enough for the Army!

Wendy:  Since it doesn’t  seem that Jenna or Barbara Bush are going to get married and start raising little Republicans any time soon (and what’s up with that?), do you think they might join the all volunteer army as an example to other Billionaire children?

Ivy League-Legacy: Well, technically, Jenna and Barbara are mere multi-millionaires, not billionaires. But their father has been such a loyal lapdog to those even wealthier than he is that we like to overlook that particular shortcoming. Never before has one man done so much for so few at the expense of so many.

Meg A. Bucks: I think the Bush twins will follow in their father's footsteps. His record speaks for itself.

Ivy League-Legacy: And anyway, after our last weekend in Ibiza Jenna and Barbara are in no condition to do anything but try to sleep off all those Jaeger shots and figure out whose underwear ended up in the punch bowl.

Wendy: Also, do you think this new revelation about unauthorized wiretapping is going to put a damper on innocent communication between Billionaire oilmen and their Saudi Arabian Partners-in-Peace? 

Meg A. Bucks: Partners in what? There's no profit in peace, silly. Sorry- on to your question. We Billionaires say "Let's take the ' r ' out of free speech.” Listen, if people are so worried about their civil liberties, they ought to be writing bigger campaign checks, or investing in electronic voting machines so they can put "their" guys in office.

Ivy League-Legacy: Good luck with that.

Wendy: But back to the important questions: Does Brooks Brothers still put those darling monograms on underwear? If a Billionaire should suddenly finds him or herself in a situation where they see some un-monogrammed underwear in a pile next to a bed, should they grab their own suitably monogrammed underwear out of the punch bowl and leave immediately or should they give the classless culprit(s) a chance to explain? 

Meg A. Bucks: Ah! That is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference to the actual facts of real life, as we know it.

Ivy League-Legacy: Exactly. And anyway my underwear is actually made of money. So it’s pretty easy to spot, in or out of the punch bowl. Not that my underwear was in the punch bowl. I mean, everybody knows that was Rove. We were all like, ewwwwww! that guy’s such a perv. Plus the punch bowl was leaking. I mean, could he be more obvious?

 

Diva Denz (aka Shilpa Narayan) and
Doctor DeBooks (aka Mark Silverman)

Diva Denz (aka Shilpa Narayan) and
Doctor DeBooks (aka Mark Silverman)

Wendy: What do you think about women who vote Democratic and sleep/marry Republican?

Meg A. Bucks: They can vote however they want- it's not who votes that counts, it's who counts the votes. Just ask Ken Blackwell, Katherine Harris, and Wally O’Dell of Diebold. I myself marry only for money- what other reason is there?

Ivy League-Legacy: I’ve thought about marrying for massive no-bid military contracts and political influence. Is that the same thing?

Doctor DeBooks: I only marry to further my quest for complete corporate takeover of the government. One Dollar, One Vote!

Liebling von Geld: Of course, marriage is one thing, sleeping arrangements are another. A propos of nothing, have you read “Scooter” Libby’s book about 10-year-old girls who are trained to have sex with bears? Or Lynne Cheney’s book about pioneer lesbian lovers? Or Bill O’Reilly’s book about underage prostitutes? What wonderful imaginations they have! How do they ever come up with these ideas?!?

Wendy: What does the log stand for in Log Cabin Republican?

Meg A. Bucks: Logging, I believe. Big Timber is a friend to all neocons. Too bad they pulled that rider on drilling in ANWR out of the Defense Appropriations bill. There's at least six months worth of oil in there- well worth the destruction of acres of pristine wilderness. I mean, what have the caribou done for you lately?

Art Director – Mary Blanco
Production Assistant – Stephanie Lund


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