A Different Way Sex Educator Tristan Taormino  Written by Anusha Alikhan

“Tonight we are going to talk about anal sex.” She said it matter-of-factly, as if we were attending a job training workshop. As if we were not sitting in a sex shop called Babeland in Soho on two dozen plastic chairs facing a line of butt plugs named Ripple, Jewel, Little Flirt and Big Flirt. As if on the walls behind us there wasn’t strawberry and bubbalicious lube on display next to the latest Rabbit vibrator whose little ears were pointing up towards a line of dildo harnesses in all the colors of the rainbow. She said it like that because anal sex—the study of it, the art of it, its promotion, its mastery—is her job. And its one that she loves.

Tristan Taormino is the feminist pioneer of anal sex education. She began writing about erotica as a senior at Wesleyan University where she completed a thesis on butch-femme sexuality towards her American Studies degree. In 1997, 4 years after graduating from Wesleyan, she finished her first book, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, which won her a Firecracker Book Award and launched her career as the gung-ho guru of sex education.

Tristan is a spirited 35-year-old with wavy dark brown hair that stands out against her light skin and complements her apple red lipstick. She has mischievous feline eyes, a comfortable smile, and the self-assured tone of an erudite politician.

Since writing her first book she has become a regular columnist for the Village Voice and tours the country as an educator, speaking at colleges including Yale, Brown, and Columbia. She has produced and directed four adult movies, and has starred in one of them.

At a monthly workshop organized at Babeland adult pleasure shop on Mercer Street, Tristan admitted that of her many responsibilities she finds teaching the most rewarding. “When people tell me that I have changed their lives for the better I feel like a success,” she said.

Attendees of the workshop did come for a change. “I was curious,” said Tamika Adams, 24, a student at the New School. “I recently had a really intense rimming experience, so I wanted to find out more.” According to Tristan, questions about rimming, are always the most popular when she lectures at college campuses. “The question I get asked a lot is ‘Can I catch something from licking someone’s ass?’” she said. “And yes, you can catch any STD including Hepatitis from rimming. But beyond that, your partner actually has to have Hepatitis to catch it. In other words, simply licking someone’s ass is not going to create Hepatitis where there is none.”

Tristan opened the workshop by exploring other such stigmas. She asked her audience, mostly couples, to unleash the urban legends they had heard. Roughly two dozen attendees, just over half women, came up with a beefy list of turn-offs including: it hurts, it’s for exit only, it’s unnatural, it’s dangerous, it’s only for men’s pleasure, it’s only for gay men, it’s dirty, it’s unsafe, and it can land you in adult diapers. Tristan scrawled the comments onto a large billboard, and proceeded to debunk the hype. Dirty first. “ We imagine our asses to be a lot filthier than they actually are,” she began. “How do I know this? Well I’ve had my hand in the asses of more people than everyone in this room combined.” The crowd, made-up of everyone from students to business executives, burst into splits of laughter, steadily brewing from all the ass-talk. There were a few flushed faces, and wide-eyed stares.

Despite her innate ability to use the comfort of humor to put her pupils at ease, Tristan is very serious about the message she wants to send. Raised in a home where her mother and father both identified as feminists, all of Tristan’s work is driven by the seed of sexual equality. “My mission is towards sex education and empowerment,” she explained. “Porn for example, is a vehicle to represent sex in a way that I feel is fun, healthy, and mutually pleasurable.” She believes that education and pornography should be both “honest and explicit,” so people receive the right information about safer sex practices, erogenous zones, and their bodies.

Tristan herself identifies as “queer.” Her partner is a trans-gendered male with whom she shares an “open” relationship. “I’m equal opportunity,” she said. “I love and f*** all genders.” She attributes her all-encompassing sexual identity to her feminist parents who taught her she could “do anything she set her mind to.” When she was 1, Tristan’s father came-out as gay and left her mother. Tristan’s own road to sexual self-discovery began in the “waspy” Long-Island neighborhood where she grew-up. While she experimented sexually with girls and boys in high-school, she did not identify as bi-sexual until college, when she had her first intimate relationship with a woman. She now rejects the “bi-sexual” label. “I really believe that there are more than two genders,” she explained. “Being queer, doesn’t just connect to who I sleep with, it speaks to my culture, community, and my politics.”

Supporting and participating in the feminist porn industry is also part of Tristan’s politics. She is part of a growing movement of women within this industry who embrace their sexuality and support porn that empowers women and presents them in a positive role. Most mainstream porn, she believes, is geared towards men and pays no attention to female pleasure. “My movies take a gonzo approach to porn,” she explained. “There has to be a connection between everyone involved, there’s no formula, and I don’t like my actors to limit or delay orgasm, so it looks and feels more organic.”

Danny, 45 and Lynn, 43 attendees at the workshop who both work in the financial industry and have been married for 17 years would agree-- Tristan’s first film encouraged them towards a “more open and adventurous relationship.” “Tristan’s books and movies really focus on women’s pleasure,” explained Lynn. “But they’re still naughty, they’re still a bit taboo—and when you’ve been married this long you need a little taboo to spice things up.”

During the workshop Tristan cited the “taboo” factor as one of the biggest up-sides, but cautioned her audience not to be too impetuous about experimenting. “The idea that it’s special can heighten the erotic power of it for people,” she explained. “But the ass is really delicate, you have to handle it gently and you have to follow all the steps, and if you don’t use lube, if you don’t go slow, if you just jam something in there, you can hurt someone. And so it does require a great deal of trust between partners. That trust is what makes it a hotter experience.” After insisting the tickled crowd repeat “Spit is not a lube,” in unison, Tristan recommended her namesake: self-designed butt plugs the “Tristan,” and the slightly larger “Tristan 2” as a starter kit.

According to Tristan, everyone should have a starter kit, because everyone should go exploring at least once. In her book she writes, “ The first time someone put a finger in my butt, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.” So it’s a little taste of heaven that she wants to share with the world, it’s what makes her a “workaholic,” and a crusader for butt plugs and rectum rights. It may be an eccentric cause, but she fights with fervor, and has a ton of fun.