New York Cool - Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice

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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Click here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see the article on E! Online (you will need to scroll down) about the article in In Style which quotes Katie Holmes talking about Tom Cruise:

"...this new In Style interview with Holmes leaves us feeling kinda queasy. She spends the entire time gushing about Tom with heartwarming quotes like this: "I try every day to let him know how much I love him. It gets better and better. It has made my life." She even lets us in on what turns him on: "Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush. He'll say, 'You look good, I hope security's going with you.' Now, that gives me attitude."

Sincerely Tabloid Tilly,

Dear Tilly,

Yup. And just like everyone else who read the article, I immediately thought "Ewww." Not that there is anything wrong with Katie Homes or Tom Cruise; they are both very attractive people who are obviously in love....but they're MARRIED! And no one wants to think about the sex life of married people, not even Miss Wendy. It's a taboo we learned as pre-pubertized children when we were totally repulsed to learn about sex and then realized that our parents must have had sex (Gross!) and we quickly counted our siblings to figure out the minimum numbers of times they must have "done the deed."

Now if Katie had said something like, "Tom and I are really close with the Beckham's and when we get together, we really get together," all of our prurient little eyes would have popped out of our heads and we couldn't have gotten enough of that story. Yup, throwing another married couple (especially one that includes David Beckham) onto the pile totally eliminates the "Ewww" factor.

To My Readers:

If you did not follow my advice (see below) and got really drunk at your office party, there is a great article in Newsweek titled "Why Hangovers Can't be Cured" about why (the biological explanation) you have a hangover and how there is really nothing you can do about it except suffer. Sorry about that and Happy Holidays anyway.

From Miss Wendy to Everyone who is Attending an Office Holiday Party

Yup, tis' the season to be jolly and all that s**t and all over Manhattan huge busses are pulling up to office buildings to liberate the grinds and take everyone to the "Office Holiday Party." The party will be held in a dark ballroom at some hotel, there will be a band, and the booze will flow. And then afterwards, some company VIP's will take everyone to a bar for a nightcap where they (the VIP) will put down a credit card so everyone can continue to drink.

Sounds lovely, doesn't it. Well it's not and if you are new to the office party scene, here are a few things you need to know.

1. Office parties are not real parties, they are holograms.

2. Those friendly older employees (your new best friends), who can seemingly drink copious amounts of liquor without showing any signs of drunkenness, are seasoned alcoholics. It will take years of practice before you can keep up with them, so don’t even try.

3. If you act the way you acted in college when the booze flowed (fighting with your friends, having sex with someone you just met), they will fire you the next day.

4. If you do manage to get quietly drunk and succeed in having sex with a casual office acquaintance, you will have to see them the next day. There will be neon lights and it won't be pretty. And everyone else will know and “talk” about you.

So here is Miss Wendy's advice. Attend your office party and have only two drinks. Be gracious to everyone and then leave right at 10PM to catch up with your real friends at a dive bar where you can freely make an ass of yourself.

Happy Holidays!

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see the article in Newsweek titled, "Six Reasons to Have Sex Every Week?"

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yes I did. And I would like to four more to the list (making a perfect ten):

7. When you are having sex, you are (hopefully) not eating Fritos and any other foods containing trans fats.

8. If you live in an apartment house where the neighbors can "hear" you, you make them feel guilty the same way seeing your leaving for a jog makes the neighbors feel guilty.

9. In a time of economic down turn, having sex keeps businesses like Victoria's Secret, Abracadabra (costumes), Pfizer (Viagra) and Eli Lilly (Cialis) stay afloat.

10. You want to.

P. S. Everyone is getting into the sex advice business this holiday season. See this article on MSNBC.com about what to do about a sex slump (and no, they did not intend to be graphic).

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do people who wear Wal-Mart clothes have sex?

Sincerely,

Hinterland Hannah

Dear Hannah,

No. They take them off first.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I have a great new boyfriend. He has his own apartment and we spend a lot of time at his place because I have roommates.

Everything is great with this guy except I just noticed that he does not have any air conditioning. It certainly isn't problem right now because it is December. But when I asked why he does not have air-conditioning, he said that he does not need it because there are only a few hot summer days in New York.

Sincerely,

Recent Miami Transplant

Dear Tranny,

Your new boyfriend is a certifiable nut case. But don't despair; you have lots of time to replace him before July.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. About two weeks ago I was going through his pockets while he was in the shower and saw that he had one of those prepaid cell phones in his pocket (he also has a regular cell phone). The phone was turned off. So from then on whenever he is in the shower, I check and the prepaid cell is always there and it is always turned off. Do you think he is cheating on me?

Sincerely,

Undercover Tabitha

Dear Tabitha,

Yes I do, and so do you or you would not be going through his pockets evertime he gets in the shower.

If he were involved in the other two activities that require prepaid disposable cell phones, drug dealing and terrorism, his business associates would not tolerate his being unreachable while he was in the sack with you.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see the article on MSNBC.com titled, "Gennifer Flowers mulls voting for Clinton - Charged Bill Clinton with sexual harassment during his Arkansas years?"

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yup, and MSNBC.com sure must have been anticipating a slow news day (before the tragic shootings in Omaha) to have hauled out a crumpled old piece of Christmas trash like Flowers.

And just look what Flowers said about supposed innocent bystander, Senator Joe Biden, who we can only assume was quietly minding the business of being a dignified loser: [Flowers regarding Hillary] "I can't help but want to support my own gender, and she's as experienced as any of the others - except maybe Joe Biden." And later in the article: "Democratic Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware, she said, is 'smart, sexy and experienced.'"

Yikes! While Biden could obviously use some new supporters, I don't think Bill Clinton's second helpings are quite what he had in mind.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I watch Law and Order, CSI etc. reruns (just like you do) and am increasingly annoyed with all those Cialis commercials.

Sincerely,

TV Maven

Dear Maven,

Cialis needs to garner an award for the most annoying commercial in America. With their attractive middle-aged zombie-like ethereally smiling actors (the faucet breaks and they smile, unexpected company arrives AFTER he takes the pill and they smile), they are the Easy Listening Jazz Lite commercials of the sex trade. What middle-aged man wants to hear that he can just walk around horny for up to thirty-six hours as in, "When the time is right, you'll be ready?" And why does every one of their commercials have to end with the actors lolling in bathtubs (the last time they were holding UMBRELLAS) out in the middle of a field?

Earth to Cialis: Middle aged people freezing their butts off by taking baths out in the middle of a Northern California field is not sexy.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Have you been following the dust-up over those tabloid photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt's behind? See People.com (which does not show the photo of her backside - Go People!) for the story and Hewitt's response.

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yup. I saw those photos of Hewitt's butt-in-a-bikini on TMZ.com and thought, "So?" Hewitt's butt is better looking than 90% of the butts in America. And the only people who don't know that are the eighth grade girls who run TMZ.com (AOL must really be hurting for money to have TMZ for its new venture.) Haven't any of these shreiking harpies at TMZ.com been to a mall or a beach lately and seen see what America (and their readers) really look like? Or would they like to publish photos of their own bikini'ed butts to rebut Ms. Hewitt's butt? Somehow I don't think so. Journalists (even tabloid journalists) are infamous for writer's spread.

So here's to Ms. Hewitt. You go girl! Frolic on that beach! And we here at New York Cool have you back (and can only wish we had your backside).

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a guy who is a real sci-fi fan and I think the sorceress princess Azkadellia on Tin Man is fierce. Are there any women like her in New York?

Sincerely,

Emerald City Junky

Dear Junky,

Of course! Azikadellia, with her back story of having her soul sucked out by a demon, is simply some Wall Street guy's first wife.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Are you watching Tin Man on the Sci Fi channel?

Raoul Trujillo, Kathleen Robertson & Alan Cumming
The World Premiere of "Tin Man"
New World Stages
November 14, 2007
Noah Fink / PR Photos

Sincerely,

Emerald City Junky

Dear Junky,

I certainly am and I bet the series is going to be wildly popular in New York City, the original Oz. New York is filled with people who were born out in the hinterlands and as soon as they could sit up in their cribs, took a quick look around and immediately began wishing that some tornado would quickly whisk them out of what was obviously going to be a life of unending boredom. As in, "Ut oh, I can't see the Chrysler Building. What is that out the window, a f'ing FIELD? I think I'm going to spit-up all over this horrid yellow knit crib sheet!"

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see this article in People.com about how Kevin Federline's lawyer, old "Pee Cup" Kaplan has stated that: "If Mr. Federline had wanted to increase child support, it would be very easy to achieve and would have been requested long before now. There has not been and is not now a request before the court for a modification of child support. Mr. Federline's purpose in bringing this action continues to be one that is based upon the best interest of the children as his highest priority."

Britney Spears
Scandinavian Style Mansion Party
Los Angeles
December 2, 2007
David Gabber / PR Photos

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Back in Texas when we heard such unmitigated crap we would say, "Raise your boots kiddos, the shit' flowing down the trough."

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see (according to MSNBC.com, which always knows about these things) that Lindsay Lohan and her rehabbing snow-boarding boyfriend Riley Giles are splittsville?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Yup, and that's a good things cuz "what happens in rehab, should stay in rehab." Although it is impossible to convince the newly rehabbed of this fact, "having been in rehab" is a dangerous thing to have in common in a relationship. Fortunately, the world is filled with attractive people who don't drink/do drugs, have never been to rehab and are not necessarily nerds. And these "not necessarily nerds" will have more money to spend and will definitely be better in bed than a freshly rehabbed snowboarder.

Miss Wendy's (Not Definitive) List of One Night Stand Only Men:

Bartenders
Gamers
Professional Basketball Players
Professional Gamblers
Photographers
Musicians
Actors
Snow Boarders
You Get the Picture

Yes, you can find a lot of really wonderful men who have jobs on this list, but you will be like the kid who digs frantically through the room filled with horse doo with the attitude of, "With all this shit, there's got to be a pony."

Stable is not the same word as boring.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I took your advice and gave my girlfriend’s teddy bears a physical. You are right; I am being filmed. Then I checked her computer and found a folder named Naughty Cam filled with digital film clips with guy's names? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Boudoir Ben

Dear Ben,

You can start by commending her computer/film skills. The next step depends on whether you and your paramour are trying to make it in the film industry and also how you/she look on the tape. If you look good and want to star in your own home-made-porn video like Paris Hilton/Nick Salomon and Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee, make a copy of the tape and "leak" it to the tabloids. If you are just a regular joe, delete your file and find a new girlfriend.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I have a great new girlfriend and a small problem. My girlfriend has a collection of teddy bears on a shelf in her bedroom and I find it hard to concentrate on the task at hand with all those bear eyes staring down at me.

Sincerely,

Boudoir Ben

Dear Ben,

Those eyes may be doing more than just creeping you out. Check closely, the teddy bears may be having a nanny-cam picnic.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What do you think about the proliferation of paparazzi-driven tabloids like TMZ.com? What does this say about the state of our culture?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

It is a story as old as time itself. TMZ is the small town news of our suburbanized/citified culture. In olden times, we all lived in villages and we gossiped about each other and by doing so found out a lot about the person we were talking to: are they sympathetic to the village Britney Spears or do they gleefully hope she is so driven to distraction by carloads of paparazzi that she drives into a telephone pole? In the (fictional) words of Mr. Bennet (from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice), "What do we live for if not to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?"

But now we live compartmentalized lives and the people we work with do not know out neighbors and our friends probably don’t know our neighbors or our co-workers, so we talk about celebrities and by doing so, we get to know a lot about the person we are talking to and probably not too much about the celebrities covered in TMZ (and the like) since most of that coverage is probably made up anyway. Can you really believe the reportage of “reporters” who are so frenzied (and hypocritical) as to stand in a group in the middle of a busy intersection and complain about how their prey ran a red light to get away from them or the reportage of cameraman who are so stupid as to stick their feet under moving cars? But it does not matter. The tabloids tell us a story and by talking about the story with our friends, we connect.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see this article on MSNBC.com about how middle aged women have now expanded their sex tourism from Jamaica to Kenya?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

I most certainly did. From now on when celebrities announce that they are going to Africa to get a baby boy, they need to be lot more specific about their intentions. And Miss Wendy would like to announce that I am a very dignified (if voyeuristic) columnist and if I should decide to vacation in Kenya, I will be there to see the big game, not be the big game.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I have been writing to you about my window dancing fetish and I have followed all of your advice regarding lighting, mirrors, feathers and umbrellas. But my neighbors are still ignoring me and watching CSI reruns! What should I do?

Sincerely,

Window Dancer

Dear Dancer,


Red Hot's Veronika Sweet Photo Credit Evan Sung	Red Hot's Anita Cookies Photo Credit Evan Sung

Take your show to the road to find an appreciative audience. Audition for the The Red Hots Burlesque Show or the Starshine Burlesque Show to perform at clubs like the East Village's Rififi Club and mega club Lotus. Click here for New York Cool's Story about the Red Hots, here for the Riffii website and here for the Starshine Burlesque website. These shows are old fashioned Gypsy Rose Lee bump-it-with-a-trumpet shows and are a total hoot.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/January/ask.html