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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

(Click here for the Miss Wendy December 2007 Column)

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am considering "celebrity-making myself-over." Which of these two celebrities should I emulate?

Dita Von Teese
Photo Credit Solarpix / PR Photos

Or?

The Patricia Field Barbie
Photo Credit Fred Scott

Sincerely,

Fan Club

Dear Fan,

You did not tell me if you are a man or a women. But regardless, if you make yourself over to become a Dita or a Barbie, you will immediately achieve a following of gay men who appreciate wretched excess. Plus you will automatically have your costume for next year's Halloween Parade.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do you think the French are sexy?

Sincerely,

American Frank-0-Phil

Dear Frank,

Yes I do, but I seriously doubt they return the favor.

Well....... they do fancy Johnny Depp, Sean Penn and Woody Allen.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What affect has the proliferation of Walmarts had on the state of sex in America?

Sincerely,

Home for the Holidays

Dear Home,

It has made it less expensive. From condoms to cowboy costumes, you can get it at Walmart.

Dear Readers,

Today is Thanksgiving! If you are running about trying to figure out what to contribute to the feast, here are two of Miss Wendy's favorite Thanksgiving recipes.

Miss Wendy's White Trash Fruit Salad

1 large can of fruit cocktail (drained)
1 large bag of colored miniature marshmellows
1 large container of Cool Whip

Mix ingredients in a bowl and enjoy

Miss Wendy's Queso

One package of Velvetta cheese, sliced
One jar of salsa
16 ounces of half and half

Put all ingredients into the crock pot, heat and serve with chips.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear Miss Wendy,

Your answer to my question about whether there is anything sexy about Thanksgiving was unusually crabby and terse. Huh?

Sincerely,

Down Home Turkey

Dear Turkey,

Okay. Okay. You can use the turkey feathers from the Thanksgiving decorations to tickle your fancy. You can also borrow some kid's Indian headdress and wear it and nothing else to run through the house AFTER your parents and the neighbors have left. And if you go to Princeton, you can practice your annual streak by running through your neighborhood.

And if all else fails, pretend you are the turkey and get on the table.....

And I am sorry but that is all I can come up with for a holiday which is famous for putting everyone to sleep before the football games is over.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Is there anything sexy about Thanksgiving?

Sincerely,

Down Home Turkey

Dear Turkey,

No.

Dear Miss Wendy,

It's Thanksgiving week. Does Miss Wendy have any advice to the air traveling public?

Sincerely,

Down Home Turkey

Dear Turkey,

The airport police will be on high alert. Not for terrorists, silly, but for any hint of bad behavior from the flying public who are being thoroughly mistreated by our overbooked airlines and the undertrained, underpaid airport security guards. Airports have grown to resemble subway tunnels with filthy restrooms and travelers forced to sleep on the floor; the situation is become so bad that many Jet Blue travelers plan ahead and pack mats so they don't have to lie on the dirty floor! So no matter how upset you become, please stay calm so you don't become the next Larry Craig (arrested for twitching in the men's room), Jonathan Rhys Meyers (arrested for public drunkeness after years of sobriety) or worse yet as agitated and depressed as Carol Gotbaum, the lady who died while in police custody. Save your whining for someplace safe - the visit with your family.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What effect has our computer obssession had on the state of sex in America?

Sincerely,

Computer Geek

Dear Geek,

Personal computing has caused a net decrease in sexual activity.

1. When you are on the computer you are probably not having sex with a living/breathing body (I know, I know!).
2. Men must feel inadequate becaise they are bombarded with constant enlarge- your-johnson ads
3. Men and women who visit porn sites feel inadequate after seeing what supposedly normal men and women look like naked and splayed for the camera.

It's like what doctor's say about masturbation; there's nothing wrong with it but you sure don't meet nice people that way.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do the characters on Miami Vice have sex?

Sincerely,

Late Night Rerun Addict

Dear Addict,

Oh course. Miami is the sexiest city in the United States and it is the civic duty of the citizenry to uphold their bunny-rabbit-in-a-thong image. So if the characters on Miami Vice were not fictional, they would be performing their civic duty on a regular basis.

P. S. The characters on the Miami-based show Burn Notice also have sex, but you knew that already because they actually fake "doing it" for the camera.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a Project Runway fiend. Does anyone have sex on Project Runway?

Sincerely,

Sew in Love

Dear Sew,

No. The men are likely not interested in the women and although the constant presence of video cameras is normally an aphrodisiac (for both hetero and same sex alliances), everyone on Project Runway is far too sleep deprived and frazzled to even think of sex. All they can think about is how to get clothes ON bodies.

It may be a different story on the Amazing Race, because that show has mandatory pit stops where everyone has a chance to shower, blow-dry their hair and admire themselves in the mirror (vanity being a natural aphrodisiac). Plus, most of the Amazing Racers are in top shape physically and up to any challenge.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you hear that Matt Damon has just been named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yes and I am so relieved. Now that the long-awaited coronation has finally occurred, Matt and his campaign team (George Clooney and Brad Pitt) can spend less time out on the campaign trail and more time lolling around looking enticing.

EONLINE has this quote from George Clooney's People Magazine interview about Matt's crowning:" "The very first time I noticed was when he was in a green Speedo in The Talented Mr. Ripley. But there's a lot that goes into it. He'd come to my house and say, 'Listen, does this move make me sexy?' Brad and I worked with him a lot on his walk and on his posture.'

"I told him this is the next step for him, because after a while movies get old. How much money and how many accolades do you need? What you really want is this sash and this tiara, and he's got it now and he can retire.""

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do blondes have more fun in bed?

Sincerely,

Jean Louis Davidaton

Dear Jean,

That depends upon whose head is on the other pillow.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I written to you before about the window-dancing show I am producing for the viewing pleasure of my neighbors across the alleyway (I'm the one who does the Dita Von Teese inspired fan dance).

I have a problem. I am losing my audience; my neighbors are not watching as attentively as they should. Sometimes when I go into my darkened bedroom and use my telescope, I see them watching Law and Order and eating Chinese take-out. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Window Dancer

Perhaps you have been trying too hard and have inadvertently taken the fun out of the chase. Nothing turns a Peeping Tom off more than being forced to watch an exhibitionist. Take a vacation from dancing and then when you return, dance again. But this time hide behind a screen artfully set up so your image is reflected on a mirror across the room. Make your neighborhood perps work at their perversion. They will thank you for it.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I recently attended a party where everyone was dressed up in elegant women's cothing but I could not tell if the guests were men or women? What is the socially correct way to act in situations like these?

Richie Riche and Amanda Lepore at a Similar Party
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Sincerely,

Socially Perplexed

Dear Socially,

Look everyone in the eye and say, "You look lovely darling, absolutely lovely. "

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a twenty-something girl who just moved here from down under (Australia) and wondered where I could find some hot blokes who would help me not feel homesick?

Sincerely,

Melbourne Miss

Dear Miss,

In your search to get a little down-under-for-your-down-under, try Eight Mile Creek in Little Italy at 240 Mulberry Street (between Spring and Prince) and Public at 210 Elizabeth Street. You may not find Hugh Jackman or Russell Crowe but both of theses bars/restaurants are filled with hot-to-trot blokes from Australia and New Zealand.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see this article on MSNBC.com - "Was Katie Holmes’ marathon entrance unfair?" - about how some wannabe-runners who did not get a lottery spot for the New York City Marathon are miffed that Katie Holmes was allowed to run?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Earth to runners! Earth to runners! Life is not run by the rules you learned in grammar school! As George Orwell so pithily wrote in his book Animal Farm, "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." And Katie Holmes tops this week's list of More Equal Animals. She added huge amounts of sex appeal (and publicity) to the Marathon and encouraged lots of baby Suris that they too can be both glamorous and athletic. (Why Miss Wendy is even feeling inspired to skip a little on her way to the nail salon!) And Katie also put to rest the idea that she is just Tom Cruise's walking/talking Scientology doll!

Just look at her photos of Katie during and after the race: Utterly Amazing!

Katie Holmes
2007 ING New York City Marathon
November 4, 2007
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Tom and Suri Cruise Greet Katie Holmes After the Marathon
2007 ING New York City Marathon
November 4, 2007
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a twenty-two year old gay male personal trainer who lives in Chelsea. I am having a relationship with one of my clients, a thirty-two year old (also gay male) English literature college teacher. Everything is great romantically but when we spend time with his friends, I feel like Barbie. I can't understand half the things they are talking about and feel like I am only expected to sit there and be pretty.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Atlas Shrugging (whatever that means)

Dear Atlas,

You have three choices: 1. Start reading the New York Times and The Atlantic and try to keep up 2. Find another "work-out partner" and maybe another gym (try David Barton whose motto is "Our classes are taught by trainers and they're hard") 3. Or optimize your situation by asking one of these literary types to ghost-write your guide to fitness titled Chelsea Boy-Bods.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see the latest scoop on People.com about how Kevin Federline's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is hauling Britney's lawyer into court tomorrow, alleging that Britney has not been timely in showing up for her randomly scheduled drug (pee) tests?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yes I did. And every time I read anything about that dirt bag Kevin Federline and his shyster lawyer Mark Vincent (let's call him "Pee-Cup") Kaplan, my skin crawls. Isn't it the job of the courts to enforce their court orders? Does the judicial system in California really need to be enabling "Pee-Cup" Kaplan in his attempts to extort even more money from Britney? (The court just ruled that Britney had to pay $120,000 of Kevin's legal fees, all of which went to "Pee-Cup" Kaplan.)

Wouldn't the best thing for the Spears/Federline babies be for them to see their father act like a man and get a real job instead of turning into a professional blood sucker? And that goes doubly for old "Pee-Cup" Kaplan's children, that is if he has found a woman who could stand to be in the same room with him long enough for him to father a child. But hey, perhaps Nancy Grace was available.

In life, everything that goes around, comes around. And one day these boys will be old enough to read about how their father treated their mother when she was down for the count.

And if things are not so great financially for the Spears/Federline boys when they are finally old enough to figure out what is going on, they will see that their father forced their mother to give $120,000 of her (and eventually their) money to pay a lawyer to run around town dissing her.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Where would be a good place to both vacation and hook up with someone hot?

Sincerely,

Jet Baby

Dear Baby,

Miss Wendy was reading MSNBC.com's "Top 10 spots for singles"
and found .....Buenos Aires!!!! So if you are a cool-kid-with-no-curfew, check out Tours Gone Wild for packages that include air fare, hotels and admission to Buenos Aires' hottest clubs. And although I doubt you will need to know how to dance the tango to dance in Buenos Aires' trendy night spots, why not take a few tango lessons before you leave? Try Dance Manhattan. According to the website, you don't have to bring a partner with you but hey, maybe you will find one and can either cancel your trip or take him or her with you.

Buenos Aires comes highly recommended by a couple of New York Coolies who went to Buenos Aires for vacation and never returned.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do people have sex in trendy Williamsburg?

Sincerely,

Brooklynite

Dear Brooklynite,

Yes, they do. But it is sex-with-props. And not the props you are thinking about, although I supposed those do occasionally come-into-play. In Williamsburg the sex scene is about being cool while protecting the environment; it's pretentious sex with a dash of counter culture: hemp sheets; essential oils; organic candles. Having sex in Brooklyn is like cooking on the Upper West Side; it requires a lot of thought and preparation beforehand to find just the right way to display the sauce on the meat.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do people have sex in Queens?

Brooklynite

Dear Brooklynite,

Of course. There is nothing else to do.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What is the best lighting for a bedroom?

Sincerely,

Redecorating for Love

Dear Love,

That would be turned off.

Okay! Okay! Pink light bulbs (try 20 watts) with pink silk lined lamp shades, candlelight (not near the sheets or coverlets please) and those strings of little white lights are the most flattering. Disco balls are the most fun although disco balls do tend to creep out new acquaintances and should be saved for week two when you introduce the Donna Summer CD and the inflatable dolls.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a recent University of Texas graduate (female) and my company transferred me to New York City. I would really like to meet a down home boy. Where do you suggest I go?

Sincerely,

Austin on My Mind

Dear Austin,

New York has a lot of bars that attract local cowboys like the new Whistlin' Dixie's Texas Tavern at 714 West 11th Ave. But remember this is New York and the nattily dressed cowboy you "pick up in the back of your astroturfed pick-up" may have either buzzed through a bridge/tunnel from Queens or just be a leather-chapped-mustached-wearing Queen dropping in for a quick Lone Star before hitting Rawhide at 212 8th Ave. at 21st St.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," as they said on Seinfeld.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see this new article on TMZ.com about how Britney Spears is under investigation by the LAPD for running over a deputy's foot as she (Britney) was trying to drivey away from her custody hearing?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

I most certainly did and yet again I am simply appalled. This is the second incident of foot-running-over in about a month. And each time it has been faithfully covered in the tabloid press with numerous comments about what a dingbat Miss Spears must be to run over someone's foot.

Well, here is the good old Texas shit test: What in the hell were that TMZ photographer and that Beverly Hills deputy doing so close to a moving vehicle that they got their foot run over? Miss Wendy has never had her foot run over nor have any of the numerous obstreperous children Miss Wendy has shepherded through parking lots. "You get over here this minute. Can't you see that car is moving?"

If there is no law to prevent hordes of grown men from surrounding a moving car and blinding the driver by flashing cameras, shining video camera lights and shrieking "Here, Britney! Here, Britney!" then at the very least these photographers (and maybe the deputy) need to be investigated for stupidity. But maybe they are being investigated for causing accidents and tabloids like TMZ.com are not carrying the story, prefering to write stories about what a dingbat Miss Spears is. Hmm.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do you think fur looks sexy on a bed?

Sincerely,

The Other Martha

Dear Martha,

Yes, if it's a bed of leaves in the forest and the animal is still wearing his coat.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see this article in MSNBC.com about the new airbus? "The first operator of the new Airbus A380, has dashed the hopes of sexual thrill-seekers planning to engage in amorous activity aboard the world's biggest jumbo jet. The carrier said it would ask passengers on the A380 to refrain from sex while ensconced in one of its 12 first-class suites, which boast the world's first airborne double beds."

Sincerely yours,

Mile High Mabel

Dear Mabel,

I most certainly did and since these first class double accommodations cost a rumored $14,320 for two tickets in one of the suites, I am not really sure how they are going to enforce that rule (wealthy people can be pretty obstinate). Perhaps they should just resort to creating a modifications of the old trailer park sign, "If this trailer's a rockin', don't come a knockin'."

And no, you don't earn mile high points for doing-it in a first class airline cabin. And yes, by making this announcement about no bouncy on the Airbus, Singapore Airlines did manage to get a plethora of internet publicity for its new plane with lots of speculation/discussion about the fact that Singapore still uses caning as a punishment for bad behavior. Yes, indeed, a fun time has been had by all.

From Miss Wendy to all New York Ghouls: Tonight is Halloween in the most creative city in the world. So don't stay home, get out and luxuriate in the madness of All Hallows Eve. I will be marching in the Villlage Halloween parade and taking photos (I have a press pass) and hope to see all of your out "dancing in the streets."

A Quick Note: Dumbledore is now officially out so if you are a distinguished older fictional female academic, please rememeber that there is no longer any hope that Dumbledore plays on your team.

Another Quick Note: Please check out New York Cool's Annual Halloween Guide for hot tips and also check out our clubs section.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you notice that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie never responded to Donald Trump stating that (according to MSNBC.com):“Angelina Jolie is sort of amazing because everyone thinks she’s like this great beauty. And I’m not saying she’s an unattractive woman, but she’s not beauty, by any stretch of the imagination,” Trump said. “In terms of beauty, she’s not a great beauty. She’s a nice looking woman. She’s OK. But she’s not a great beauty.”

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tabby,

The Donald must be so disappointed that there was no resulting bitch-slapping fest like the wonderful knock-down-drag-out fight he had with Rosie O'Donnell the last time he wanted free air time for his show, The Apprentice (see how this works, by talking about Donald, I just plugged his show). No Brad Pitt calling him out at sunrise, no Angelina stating, "Well, duh, I do have a mirror," no plots by posses of miffed orphans to squirt The Donald with Kool-Aid-filled-water-pistols, no Zahara dissing Brandon. Nothing. Just silence, deafening silence.

This reminds me of a situation a few years ago when Miss Wendy (as in I) was getting a manicure and casually (I can be a little naughty on occasion) explained to the manicurist that I needed a nail extension for the nail on my left-hand middle finger which was always breaking. "After all," I explained, "It's my driving finger."

There was total silence from the manicurist who just kept filing my nails. Then she finally looked up and said, "You know, I got that. I just didn't want to encourage you."

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do you think satin sheets are sexy?

Sincerely,

Ebay Babe

Dear Babe,

That would depend upon who is lolling on them (Britney Spears? Mark Wahlberg? John Waters?) and just what kind of rose they have in their teeth.

But seriously, satin sheets only work if you live in the East Village. Anywhere else they are cheap and tawdry and look like you are trying too hard. In the East Village, however, they are pure camp. Satin sheets are the pink flamingos of the bedroom world and should be served with a twist of kook.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see one of today’s lead stories on MSNBC.com, “Maxim names Sara Jessica Parker Unsexiest - Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh, Madonna and Britney also make the list.” The article said, ‘“The list, featured in the latest edition of Maxim, dubs “Sex and the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker as the No. 1 Unsexiest Woman Alive, claiming Parker was the “least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women.”

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tabby,

Oh my. How did a “magazine” get that pissed off? Was one of their writers dissed by one of these women or is a Maxim editor entering the male menopause?

But just a little in defense of Maxim: Miss Wendy has always noticed that the women that most women admire and want to emulate (Sarah Jessica Parker would definitely top that list) are not necessarily the same women that men find sexy. If asked who is the hottest women in the room, women will pick a woman with a beautiful face who looks great in her clothes. Men will pick a woman with an okay face who will look great without her clothes.

But these are four rich powerful women and I do hope they laugh all the way to the bank.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see this article on MSNBC.com about Senator Larry Craig’s appeal of his disorderly conduct conviction for the incident in the Minneapolis Airport bathroom? See this quote, “Idaho Sen. Larry Craig will argue before an appeals court that Minnesota's disorderly conduct law is unconstitutional as it applies to his conviction in a bathroom sex sting, according to a new court filing. This is the first time Craig's attorneys have raised that issue. However, an earlier friend-of-the-court filing by the American Civil Liberties Union argued that Craig's foot-tapping and hand gesture under a stall divider at the Minneapolis airport are protected by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, which guarantees freedom of speech.”

Sincerely,
Political Polly

Dear Polly,

I most certainly did and not only do I think Craig’s arrest was unconstitutional, I think it was also silly and mean. It should not be a crime to use-the-bathroom-while-looking-gay anymore than it should be a crime to drive-while-looking-black. And unless a man waves his johnson under the stall (I know, I know - it's a difficult visual) or comes right out and says, “Hey, would you like me to s**k your dick?” to an undercover officer, the cop should have just flushed the toilet, washed his hands, left the restroom and gone off to look for shoe bombers.

The funny part about this whole story is that by pursuing his appeal, Senator Larry Craig (a very conservative senator from a conservative state) may end up helping gay men. Just how many old men (gay, constipated or both) have quietly plead guilty to disorderly conduct charges in the hopes of sweeping their toes back under the rug?

Dear Miss Wendy,

So what’s up with Miss Britney Spears? But I guess that question has nothing to do with sex.

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tabby,

The story of Britney Spears and the tabloids has everything to do with sex. But it is fetish sex, dom sex. The photographers wait patiently outside the Starbucks of La La Land and follow her around town (“Run over my sock, my sock, please mistress”), are obsessed, just as obsessed as the nameless gentlemen who populate the remaining peep shows in Times Square. And everyone who logs onto TMZ.com shares the same obsession. Just what little tidbit will our mistress reveal to us today? And Britney in all her manic frenzy is a masterful dom, doling out tiny bits and pieces of herself to our eager baby bird beaks. See this article on MSNBC.com about the photographers who were given tickets yesterday by the Beverly Hills Police for (offense) “stood in front of car with a camera.” The uniformed Beverly Hills police officer (oh be still my pounding heart), “ordered a group of photographers and cameramen who were surrounding the car in the middle of the street to sit on a curb and provide identification while Spears drove away.” And there they were, her masterfully whipped subjects sitting knees-to-chest on a Beverly Hills curb, sucking Britney's tail pipe gas as their mistress sped away in a freshly washed Mercedes.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What is the best way to meet a hot member of the opposite sex during Halloween in New York?

Sincerely,

Hot Ghoulash

Dear Ghoul,

Village Halloween Parade
Photo Credit Wendy R. Williams

Well…..hmm. You certainly can meet hot people of every persuasion during a New York Halloween celebration, but since everyone is in costume and nothing will be what it seems, you might want to just have fun and wait until next week to “close the deal’ if your goal is finding a member of the opposite sex who is truly opposite (take the digits and arrange to meet at Starbucks). This advice is doubly true for gays and lesbians; after all, when you campaign for gay marriage it is not so the gays can marry the lesbians. Halloween is smoke and mirrors time babe, so stick to simple goals like hooking up with someone who is still alive.

Also, read my Guide to Halloween in NYC to find hot parties and events.

Dear Miss Wendy,

So what do you have to say about Roseanne Barr telling Britney Spears that ‘You are a bad mother.’ According to MSNBC.com, Ms Barr then went on to say, “The judge is trying to teach you a lesson, shut your mouth and learn it!” Roseanne pleaded. “You are a bad mother, and so is your mother! Get your sh-- together and take care of your kids!!”

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tabby,

Two words: Glass Houses!

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am still reeling from J. K. Rowling’s outing of Dumbledore as being a gay character. I mean, is she sure? If Dumbledore were gay, wouldn’t he have spiffed up a little, done a little something about the beard?

Sincerely,

West Village Watchdog

Dear Dog,

Well, I can’t imagine who else we can ask other than the author who created him. She has every right to in or out him whether Dumbledore favors a long flowing beards or a trendy goatee.

Now I did object when the recently deceased evangelist Jerry Falwell outed the Teletubbies’ Tinky Winky as gay simply because he (Tinky Winky, not Jerry Falwell) liked to carry his (Tinky Winky, not Jerry Falwell’s) mother’s purse. Rev. Falwell did not create Tinky Winky so how could he know his heart and besides Tinky Winky is entirely too young for anyone to “call” his sexual orientation. Many young men (and women) are vitally interested in their mother’s purses simply cuz that’s where the money is. Tinky Winky’s purse proclivity could just as easily foreshadow a life as a Wall Street baron or a purse snatcher. Why even Rev. Falwell himself spent his lifetime trying to get women to “open their silk-lined purses” for the Lord (as in the Lord Jerry Falwell, not the guy/gal upstairs).

Dear Miss Wendy,

I have tried all your suggestions to meet other single people in New York:my work; singles bars (try the sports ones); volunteer work; dating services like EHarmony if you are Christian and perfect and JDate if you are Jewish and perfect; churches; synagogues; and political organizations) and so far – NOTHING. I even did that get-your-hands-dirty volunteer work and NOTHING.

Sincerely,

Desperate in the East 80’s

Dear Desperate,

Get a dog (if you really love dogs) and walk it in the park. The dog will run up to other dogs, and maybe, just maybe, your dog will have good taste and pick a dog that has an attractive owner. And you will have the added bonus that most city dog owners tend to be less selfish and all around better sports than most non-dog-owners. After all, they scoop poop. This may not sound sexy, but a guy or gal who is not squeamish or selfish about dog poop won’t be squeamish or selfish with you. And that is sexy.

Dear Miss Wendy,

According to MSNBC.com, J. K. Rowling has “outed” Dumbledore by telling “fans in New York that the wizard Albus Dumbledore, head of Hogwarts School in the Harry Potter books, is gay.” How will this outing play in the heartland, the home of the Christian right? Will this affect her book sales?

Sincerely,

Hogwarts Wallower

Dear Hog,

Parents who will be put off by the startling revelation that wizards who wear long purple gowns and live their lives surrounded by exquisite pomp might possibly be gay, were long ago turned off by the Potter book's magical world.

Or perhaps not. What is going on when these ridiculous religious right organizations boycott Disney World because Disneyland hosts “gay days?”

Hello! Why do these supposedly fundamentalist-nut-jobs want to go to Disneyland in the first place? Everyday is gay day there cuz Disneyland is one of the gayest places on the planet. Haven’t they read the story of Cinderella and stopped to think about the sexual orientation of the mice and squirrels who instantly stop rooting for fresh nuts to help Cinderella make her dress for the ball???? Or do they ever think about just what might be tucked into the fairy godmother's thong under her irridescent gown?

Well, I attend the Greenwich Village Halloween parade every year so that fairy godmother doesn’t fool me. There are fairies in fairy tales and no matter how much the religious right huffs and puffs, they won't be able to blow that castle down.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What do you think about the latest uproar with Miss Britney Spears - she has lost the privilege of having "supervised" visitation with her own children and her clothes get more and more bizarre. I mean, Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson kept custody of their children!!!

Sincerely,

Obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

Aren't we all? Obsessed that is. It's the story that has everything, money, beauty, tragedy and an incredible plot: Trailer trash pop fights trailer trash mom for the pot of gold at the end of the child support rainbow. It is the ultimate reality show, the only thing it lacks is sex. With the exception of the occasional crotch shot, this story could play on Lifetime.

But the laugh is going to be on us because here comes the sex and lots more money (for Ms. Spears). Jive is going to release her album on October 30th and it is surprisingly good, a classic Britney dance album, plus it is really hot! Check it out (there is a player on People.com): http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20153306,00.html

Dear Miss Wendy,

What do you think about the "remarks" that Donald Trump made about Angelina Jolie when he was on Larry King Live? According to MSNBC.com, the Trumpster said:

"“Angelina Jolie is sort of amazing because everyone thinks she’s like this great beauty. And I’m not saying she’s an unattractive woman, but she’s not beauty, by any stretch of the imagination,” Trump said. “In terms of beauty, she’s not a great beauty. She’s a nice looking woman. She’s OK. But she’s not a great beauty.”

And: "And what exactly makes The Donald such an aesthetic aficionado? We’ll let him explain. “I really understand beauty. And I will tell you, she’s not — I do own Miss Universe. I do own Miss USA. I mean, I own a lot of different things. I do understand beauty, and she’s not,” Trump proudly proclaimed.

So what did Angelina do that set the mogul off?

“I remember at the Academy Awards a few years ago she was frenching her brother. She was giving her brother lip kisses like I never saw before in my life. And she had just said she made love to Billy Bob Thornton in the back of the limousine on the way over,” Trump explained. “And I wouldn’t want to shake her hand, by the way.”"

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tabby,

Oh my goodness. I would really like to know the story behind this story. Not shake her hand indeed! Hmm....was there some little incident between the Donald and Angelina that escaped the watchful eyes of TMZ? Some perceived slight? Some wounded feelings?

In the South, when women carry on like this, we quote Shakespeare's Hamlet and say, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

And I do wish that Mr. Trump had added the word Pageant when he said he owned Miss Universe and Miss USA. But perhaps he was just being plain spoken and calling it the way he sees it.

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