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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is another bizarre tidbit from the world of you-may-not-want-to-know-but-I-am-telling-you-anyway. According to an article on MSNBC.com (which took its information from Rosie O'Donnell's visit to the Rachel Ray Show), Rosie O'Donnell no longer has a crush on Tom Cruise.

Here is a quote from the article: “Tom knows, I wrote him an e-mail: ‘Sorry it’s happened, I didn’t think it would.’ Send.” Now whether this waning of affection has anything to do with the Cher's confession (see below) that she had not only a crush but an affair with Tom Cruise, is gossip that is way above my pay grade. Although, all this unseemly carrying-on about Tom Cruise in the popular press has forced me to seriously re-examine my own feelings for him.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a fascinating tip to start your day: according to MSNBC.com, Cher used to date Tom Cruise. Now just try to wrap your head around that one; to quote Holly Golightly in Truman Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's, "The mind simply reels."

Dear Miss Wendy,

What is the most romantic neighborhood in New York City?

Sincerely,

New Arrival

Dear New,

There are so many, it is impossible to choose. It all depends on what turns you on and more importantly, how you feel about yourself when you are there. I love the newly gentrified Lower East Side. Not for the Starbucks (although I certainly love THAT), but for the tiny shops where designers sell their wares upfront and sew them in the back. I also love Carnegie Hill around Madison and the lower nineties; it is my quick trip to Europe. Then of course there is the incredible romance of Greenwich Village and on and on.

New York is a wonderful walking city and spring is finally here. So walk Manhattan and stop when you get that feeling - the feeling that something wonderful could happen for you right here and now. New York is magic, so go forth and find your story.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is one from the "your nose got in the way of my fist" category. According to x17online.com, Paris Hilton’s new boyfriend, Benji Madden, has driven his car over a paparazzo’s foot. Hmm....Is it possible that our innocent victim was standing in front of a moving car, flashing the driver with his camera lights? I do feel sorry for this truly stupid pap; he is quite obviously a motherless child. I mean, HOW does this happen? Has a moving car (in a parking lot, already) every come anywhere near YOUR foot?

Dear Miss Wendy,

When celebrities get all dolled up to walk the red carpet, does it make them feel as sexy as they look?

Sincrely,

Tabloid Tilly


Drena DeNiro and Natasha Richardson 2008 Tribeca Film Festival Vanity Fair Party © Janet Mayer / PR Photos	Georgina Chapman 2008 Tribeca Film Festival Vanity Fair Party © Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Dear Tilly,

No, their shoes hurt their feet; they are suffering for you, their public. And their sacrifice is much appreciated by both the fashion press and the foot festishists of the world.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Which bubble bath is the sexiest?

Sincerely,

Sensuous Shopper

Dear Sensuous,

For exotic scents (and pretentiousness, which is always good), you cannot beat the bath oils at Jo Malone. But if you can't afford to pay $60 plus for something you are going to pour down the drain, nothing beats Vitabath (the original green formula). Vitabath has a wonderful smell, creates great bubbles and actually cleans the bathtub. And what could be sexier than that?

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a disturbing article in Mature Times (yes, sometimes there is something intriguing wafting up from the world of maturity), titled: "Are cell phones killing our ghosts?"

See this quote: "'Until a few years ago we'd receive reports of two new ghosts every week. Now we're receiving none. Not a dickie bird. And the decline exactly mirrors the increasing use of mobile phones." And this even more bizarre quote: "And the pattern seems to be mirrored in other countries: American researchers have begun traveling to Britain to investigate ghosts, only to face an even greater scarcity. ‘We’ve found it very embarrassing,' said Tony Cornell. 'They've spent a fortune on scientific equipment and meticulously planned their expeditions to Britain. When they get here, we have to tell them that yet again, we have no ghosts.'"

Eugène Thiébault (French, b. 1825)
Henri Robin and a Specter, 1863
Albumen silver print; 22.9 x 17.4 cm
Collection Gérard Lévy, Paris

If you are saddened by this story and want to read more about our ghostly friends, try Erin L. Mallay's New York Cool article, "The Perfect Medium: Photography and the Occult - A Special Exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art." This show closed in December of 2005, but perhaps there are traces of it lingering in the atmosphere, if there isn't too much interference from the billions of cell phones.

Pretty Purvey by Designer Robert Miller
Alternative Fashion Week 2008 Presented by Alternative Arts
Spitalfields Market / London, England
April 21, 2008
© Solarpix / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Feast you eyes on these fashions from London. Now if you wore one of these designs, you would be definitely not see yourself across the room or worry about ending up on some tabloids, "Who Wore It Better?" page.

Now if someone would just write the script....

From Miss Wendy to her readers:

(If you are a man reading this story, please cross your legs and hold on tight.)

There is an utterly bizarre story in the New York Post about a man who had a penile implant which shattered when he fell down. Then the doctor who was supposed to fix it, botched the job. And no he is not suing the owner of the sidewalk for "slip and fall" or the manufacturer of the implant for poor design, he is suing his lawyer for not filing suit against the doctor until after the Statute of Limitations came into play. And to think, he probably got himself into this mess in the first place because of a delayed reaction.

Hey, if this wasn't important, I wouldn't tell you about it.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Why does the tabloid press get so ga-ga when two mega watt celebrities hook up? I mean, what's so special about Katie Holmes now that she is part of TomKat that wasn't special before? And why is Angelina twice as hot now that she is with Brad Pitt and half of Brangelina? I mean think about it. Jessica Alba and Rosario Dawson are just as smokin' as Katie and Angelina, and you don't see nearly as much tabloid coverage of them.

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

There are two different theories.

First the twin one: One cute little girl is nice but if she has an equally cute twin sister or brother - that's adorable. So two cute celebrities (and they don't even have to dress alike, paging Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz) are twice as cute as one.

Also, if you have two celebrities in a "relationship," you ergo have a story and it doesn't even need to be true. Anything will do. If one of them is tired at dinner - they are breaking up. If one of them is all dressed up (coming straight from a meeting at the studio?) and the other one is not, the so-called slob is having trouble adjusting to the demands of his or her new lifestyle. After all as they say on TNT, “Drama is conflict” and in our celebrity obsessed culture, a hang nail will do for starters.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Ashlee Simpson
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Have you been reading the news reports about how Ashlee Simpson, the sprayed-on-tanned rocker and sister to Jessica Simpson, is pregnant by her fiancé Pete Wentz, the sprayed-on-tanned pretty-boy rocker from the Fall Out Boys?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yes, and I am giddy with excitement. All this tabloid coverage has turned the world into an Eastern European village and us into yentas. And today we have a tasty tidbit to poke about as we make our morning rounds.

And no, I don't think the baby (if there actually is one) will be born orange.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Are women still wearing thongs?

Sincerely,

Just Asking

Dear Asking,

Yes - models wear thongs at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. But thongs went out with Monica Lewinsky for women who are not strutting down a runway. Young modern women have developed a sure-fire method to avoid those irksome panty lines; they go panty-less. And the Sanitation Department is doing absolutely nothing about it.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Ivana Trump and Rossano Rubicond

What do you think about Ivana Trump marrying Rossano Rubicondi, a man twenty-three years younger than she is?

Sincerely,

Palm Beach Matron

Dear Matron,

Three things: Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Dear Miss Wendy,

Any suggestions for de-stressing on tax day?

Sincerely,

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

How about the Tenth Street Baths in Alphabet City. They have been around since 1892 (when people actually needed them simply to bath). Now they are campy, weird and fun and feature treatments like (from their website): "Platza Oak Leaf - Lie down while in the Russian Room and a platza specialist will scrub you (actually beat you) with a broom made of fresh oak leaves, sopping with olive oil soap. The oak leaves contain a natural astringent, which will open your pours, remove toxins, and actually take off layers of dead skin. Some described the platza as ‘Jewish acupuncture’."

Now that is some whacky weirdness to relieve your tax pain.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Is everyone required to watch American Idol?

Sincerely,

Hates Reality

Dear Reality,

Clay Aiken, 2003 American Idol
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Yes. You ignore reality TV at your own peril. If you don't watch American Idol or (yikes!) Survivor, you will be totally out of touch with popular culture (for the past decade!) and will wonder what is going on when (for example) the whole world (except you) goes wild about the fact that Clay Aiken is now in Spamalot.

Refinement is irrelevant. Our national elections are certainly not classy, but you would be perceived as a moron if you did not follow Hillary and Barack's Wrestlemania-style dust-up.

Maroon 5
© Sylvain Gaboury / PR Photos

You need to follow American Idol for the same reason anyone over thirty needs to get out of their comfort zone and listen to new bands like Maroon 5. Nothing dates a person more than their music and their taste in TV as in: "I never watch reality television. Or I like 80's (90's?)music."

Relevancy requires homework.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I object to your advice to that poor man who wrote to say that he just found out that his new lady friend has five cats. You told him to, "Move on, buddy."

Don't you know that some of the finest men and women in this city love animals and are involved in animal rescue? This lady is undoubtedly a wonderful woman and would make a kind and caring love interest for anyone.

Sincerely,

Animal Lover

Dear Animal,

Well, maybe she would make a kind and caring love interest for a sixth or seventh cat. But by the time a middle aged New York City woman has settled down to a studio apartment filled with cats, she is so set in her ways there is no room for movement of any kind. And I mean exactly what you think I mean.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My best friend just had a face lift and I stayed over night at the hospital to be sure she was okay.

At 4AM she woke up thirsty and asked for a Coke and not wanting to disturb the nurses (plus I wanted one too), I went looking for a vending machine.

Well, I was walking down the hall when I saw two orderlies just having at it in one of the vacant room. I was so shocked; I just went back to my friend’s room and said nothing. But what should I have done?

Sincerely,

Night Crawler

Dear Night,

Said excuse me and shut the door.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a recently widowed man in my fifties, a college professor. I have been very lonely since my wife died so I joined a poetry writing club. There is a beautiful woman in the club who looks like she could be Mia Farrow's sister. She is also a fairly good poet, if a little obscure. But then what upper West Side of Manhattan poet isn't a little obscure? And have you ever read Erasmus?

Here is my problem. I asked my new lady friend to brunch at Alice's Tea Cup, a beautiful quaint teahouse that serves wonderful tea and scones. We had quite a nice time and afterwards she invited me to come for lunch at her apartment next week end. But then she said, "I hope you are not allergic to cats as I have five."

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Lovelorn in the West 90's

Dear Lovelorn,

You need to move on, buddy. A woman who owns five cats is certainly not looking for a top dog.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My wife and I had a baby six months ago. Does anyone have sex after they have a baby?

Sincerely,

Just Wondering

Dear Wondering,

No. Dads do half the child rearing these days (and it's about time), so no one gets any sleep. And having two totally involved parents also effectively doubles the work with all that carrying on about whose turn it is to get up between two people who are so tired they don't remember their own names. And besides, modern couples sleep with the baby in the middle of the bed. We are destined to become a single child nation, just like China.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Where are the most romantic places in the world to vacation?

Sincerely,

Concrete Bound

Dear Concrete,

There are so many:

Mexico City
Tahiti
Jamaica
(Fill in your own fantasy)

Pick somewhere stunning, different and strange; a place that makes you feel different about yourself. Also, not too hot and no mosquitos.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Spring is finally coming. Don't you think spring is the sexiest time of the year in New York?

Sincerely,

Hibenating

Dear Hibernating,

Yes, spring is the sexiest time of the year but unfortunately it only last about six weeks. Then it is summer, the humidity rises and everyone's hair frizzes. And for New Yorkers, physical attraction is more than 50% dependent on how we think we look.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is another one in my list of annoying commercials that are interruting my enjoyment of Law & Order reruns - Mirapex, you know, the one for "restless leg syndrome." Now I have never had "restless leg syndrome" but I do have sympathy for anyone who if forced to spend the night kicking like a ticked-off mule. But how can anyone expect to get any sleep when they look at the list of possible side effects of increased sexual and/or gambling urges? Is it an improvement to have an overwhelming urge to jump out of bed, make a quick run to the Meatpacking District and then on jump on a bus to Atlantic City? It sound utterly exhausting to me.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is an inadvertently funny article in People.com quoting Kevin Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan as saying that while Britney Spears is doing much better under the guidance of her father, she is not fully recovered. The subtext is, "She can't get well, I need to bill her for at least another $500,000. How will I pay my mortgage?" As in, "Britney wants to see the kids for fifteen minutes more on Wednesday. Great! Start the clock a-ticking, we're going to court!"

When Texans hear such self-serving mealy-mouthed drivel, we always say, "Raise your feet fellas, the bull s**t is flowing."

Amy Winehouse
Photo Credit PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: It is time to give some kind of style award to Miss Amy Winehouse for the efforts she is making to dress-up-and-make-an-occasion-of-it each time she visits her husband (Blake Fielder-Civil) in prison.

Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's

We have not seen such a Rudolph Valentinoish spectacle since Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) visited Sally in prison in the film Breakfast at Tiffany's.

In the words of the great late Diana Vreeland “You gotta have style. It helps you get up in the morning. It’s a way of life. Without it you’re nobody.”

From Miss Wendy to her readers: The peace of my household (and my Law and Order reruns) is being disturbed by those annoying EHarmony commercials. I don't like the way the actors look (no fantasy here) and I don't believe them for a minute - how can anyone be happy with someone who is just as ordinary looking as you are.

But my real gripe is this business about finding your perfect match. New Yorkers live in small apartments and the last thing we need is to move in another person who is exactly like us. We are perfectly capable of driving ourselves crazy without another person (a soul mate?) who also does not want to do the laundry or take out the trash. Basically, New Yorkers need to search for their polar opposite.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Are flannel sheets sexy?

Sincerely,

Brooklyn Babe

Dear Booklyn,

Yes, in college dorms. But once you graduate and move to Brooklyn, it's 400-thread-or-more cotton sheet time (try TJ Maxx). Brooklynites may say they are anti-establishment rebels, but they are Rebels with a Style.


Mick Jagger The Rolling Stones in Concert at Twickenham London August 20, 2006 © PR Photos	Keith Richards The Rolling Stones in Concert at Twickenham London August 20, 2006 © PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is marvelous news on MSNBC.com; the Rolling Stones are no longer banned from performing in Blackpool, England. It seems that the Stones were a little rowdy during their last Blackpool performance (forty-four years ago). Now it appears that the conventional wisdom is that even though the Stones are the world's hottest senior citizens, they are no longer a danger to anyone except themselves.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am in my twenties and new to town and want to know if you have any tips about where there are some cool night spots?

Sincerely,

Actually, some of the coolest spots for hot young things are located in Brooklyn. Try Studio B, it has an underground reputation as being the place for music and parties. And if you are not young and cute, go anyway - it's dark.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I really took offense when you said to never get married in Las Vegas. Last year I fell in love with an Elvis impersonator and we flew to Vegas and were married. Everyone in the chapel was either an Elvis impersonator or dressed like Ann Maragaret (just like me). It has been a year now and we are blissfully happy. So there.

Sincrely,

Viva Las Vegas

Ann Margaret and Elvis Presley in
Viva Las Vegas

Dear Viva,

Well, if you are into Elvis and Ann Margaret, you are probably old enough to know what you are doing. So as long as Pamela Lee and Rick Salamon weren't involved, I guess you get a pass.

But if you pull a Britney Spears or a Nicky Hilton and marry the guy who just happens to be passed-out next to you on the banquet at Pure at 3AM (Hm, should we go to IHOP? I know, why don't we get married?), you will look very foolish when you get your marriage annulled a few weeks (days) later. Both the judge and Miss Wendy will snigger.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Spring has officially arrived in New York, although it is 32 degrees outside right now. Do you have any suggestions about what I should do to celebrate Spring when the temperature finally goes above 50?

Sincerely,

Apartment Bound

Dear Bound,

As soon as the night temperature is above 50, go to Union Square on a Thursday night and look at (join) the crowd that patronizes the restaurants and bars. There is a young, sophiticated, beautiful crowd; it looks like the scene in Paris or Barcelona.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I wrote you yesterday and asked what was the sexiest thing I can buy for my bedroom. You said a Crunched body. Well, what if I don't like to work out, huh, huh? Don't you have a better suggestion?

Sincerely,

Shopaholic

Dear Shop,

Okay, okay! Try ten watt light bulbs.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What is the sexiest thing I can buy for my bedroom?

Sincerely,

Shopaholic

Dear Shop,

A Crunched body.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section: