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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Click here for the September 2008 Miss Wendy

Brad Pitt
© Solarpix / PR Photos

George Clooney
© Solarpix / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here are photographs of two really cute, funny men, Brad Pitt and George Clooney. They were at the 65th Annual Venice Film Festival for the premiere of their new film, The Coen Brother's Burn After Reading which opens on September 12, 2008. Just thinking about Pitt and Clooney in a Coen Brothers movie makes me laugh.

Oogle and enjoy!

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a lifetime New York City resident and I really took umbrage at your diatribe about not wanting to watch the new naughty home videos on Playboy TV or the television show, Swingtown. I am a lifetime New York City resident and have always followed the Biblical injunction to "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Sincerely,

Seventies Fan

Dear Fanny,

Please leave New York City and move to New Jersey or Long Island; they are Brigadoons for swingers and some of their residents still sport seventies hairdos.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Just as though those of us who lived through the seventies did not suffer enough, Playboy TV has a new show titled Naughty Amateur Home Videos. Regardless of the attraction of the new CBS show Swingtown, I would like to go on record as saying that I do NOT want to watch the neighbors have sex. Been there, done that. So pull down your blinds, it's over.

Amy Winehouse
© Landmark / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a "flash" from across the pond. Miss Amy Winehouse is up and about, performing at the V Festival 2008 in Chelmsford, England on August 17, 2008. Congratulations to Amy and it is great to see you back on stage.

Tommy Tune and Liz Smith
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Here is a shout out to Tommy Tune (dancer, singer,actor and choreographer) and columnist Liz Smith, two Texans who moved to New York and made wonderful lives for themselves. They are not card-carrying Republicans and certainly not Bushies (yes, they still have some Bushies in Texas). Tune and Smith do not carry concealed hand guns nor have they ever shot anyone. They truly give the rest of us transplanted Texans the hope of being able to live an honorable life. So Bravo to the two of them!

Shawn Johnson
© Insidefoto / PR Photos

Nastia Liukin
© Insidefoto / PR Photos

Here are two "You Really Got It Going Girl Awards" to Misses Nastia Lukin and Shawn Johnson for bringing home the gold (Lukin) and silver (Johnson) medal for all around women's gymnastics from Beijing. They also proved once and again that women can fly.

Miss Amanda Lepore and Admirer (Background)
Photo Credit Janet Mayer/PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a "You Got It Going Gir Awardl" to Miss Amanda Lepore. Kudos to you Amanda for lighting up the night and showing New York's naturally-born women just how it's done.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I was truly appalled when you did not come down harder on Roseanne Barr for her diatribe against Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for not committing to voting for Obama. According to MSNBC.com, they are only, "...waiting to see the commitments they [Obama and McCain] will make on issues like international justice, refugees and how to address the needs of children in crisis around the world.” This plus being busy with six children, two under one month old, seems a very adequate explanation of why they have not immersed themselves in Presidential politic.

Sincerely,

Political Maven

Dear Mavis,

I think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will handle this latest drunkalog just fine. They will use same grace they used to handle Donald Trump's spewing when he stated to the world that Angelina was not a beautiful woman and also wondered aloud just where her mouth had been (he was promoting his show, The Apprentice, on Larry King Live and needed to spice things up a little)? Brangelina gave a brilliant response, they simply ignored Trump - total silence.

Here is a little secret, my chickadees. All news outlets (including this one), need fresh meat every day to feed to their hungry readers/viewers. So if a down-in-the-tabloids celebrity like Roseanne or Trump want to boost their ratings, they start a feud: Day one - he said this. Day two - she said this, etc. etc.

So if you are an attacked celebrity and you want to nip this kind of nonsense in the bud, just do nothing and let the silliness die a natural death. And if Roseanne would still like to boost her tabloid presence by starting a public feud, she should attack Donald Trump and/or Rosie O'Donnell instead (they feuded for weeks, and a good time was had by all). Rosie and The Donald are real New Yorkers who LOVE to play and will happily scoop up some dog dooty and fling it right back at her.

Perhaps the three of them [Barr, O'Donnell and Trump] would like to compete at Amateur Jello Wrestling (see photo below)? We would love to watch and take lots of photos.

Amateur Jello Westling
Photo Credit Angelo Rivera

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Just as though Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt don't have enough problems with trying to raise six children under the age of seven, they have now been roundly taken to task by none other than Roseanne Barr because she does not like their politics (see MSBC.com) . It seems that Brangelina has yet to commit to voting for Obama. Whatever have they been doing with their time?

Now even though I myself have committed to voting for Obama; I am just wondering who appointed Roseanne village biddy?

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi
35th Annual Daytime EMMY Awards
Kodak Theater / Hollywood, CA.
June 20, 2008
© Glenn Harris / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi have taken advantage of the California law allowing same sex marriage; they married on Saturday, August 16, 2008. Many congratulations to them!

But here is my question for you, my dear readers. The Republican Congress passed a law in 1996 called "The Defense of Marriage Act" that states that no state need honor same sex marriages that are performed in another state and that the Federal Government will not give same sex couples the same rights as heterosexual married couples. The name of the implies that "more" traditional marriages (those with man/woman action) are at risk if we eliminate the need for a lego fit.

So here are my questions:
1. Do you know of any long married couples, who upon hearing about Ellen and Portia's wedding, have taken a quick look at each other, said "Why bother?" and are now contacting divorce lawyers?
2. Are there any Southern Belles in your acquaintance who were avidly reading Martha Stewart's Weddings and planning on marrying their (male) college sweetheart, but who upon hearing about Ellen and Portia have now lost interest in becoming wed and are planning on going back to school to get their masters in feminist studies?

Please do let me know, I am all ears. wendy@newyorkcool.com

Marc Jacobs and Victoria Beckham
Wild1 / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Fashion Week is roaring into town, running September 5 - 12th in the Tents at Bryant Park. And all over town there will be non-tent shows hosted by designers from Guatemala to Kuwait. The streets of New York will be filled with impossibly pretty and impossibly tall thirteen-year-old girls, who fly into town and stalk the streets smoking cigarettes while they talk to guys in black leather motor cycle jackets [New York suddenly becomes Rio de Janeiro]. And an army of male and female bitches will hit town, rolling anyone who gets in their way just like Sherman rolled Georgia. So you may ask, why does New York Cool cover Fashion Week? It's very simple - we're addicted; we've sucked on the crack pipe and can't wait to get back for more.

So here's to the fashion week's designers: You strut it and we'll cover it. And may the best stilettos win!

T Boone Pickens
Photo Courtesy of
pickensplan.com

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a You-Got-It-Going-Guy Award to Texas Oilman T. Boone Pickens. Pickens is leading the charge to wean America from our dependence on foreign oil by encouraging investment in wind farms. And by starting his campaign, Pickens has joined other wealthy and successful men like Bono and Bill Gates who after successful careers are spending their time making the world a better place. And here is note to rich-second-home-weekend-farmers/ranchers who have a not-in-my-back-yard attitude: Wind farms are not ugly; they are beautiful. It is always beautiful to make the world a better place so our grand children can feel safe to mate and have their own children. So here's to you Boone; cheers for leaving Republican politics (George W. Bush, Swift Boat Veterans) and dedicating your life to helping our nation survive.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I wrote you about how appalled I was about John Edward's affair and you replied along the line of that the only people who are actually offended are Elizabeth Edwards and the undoubtedly morally corrupt talking heads on TV, who are only wringing their hands because it's their job to be Shocked! Shocked! and who are also under the misconception that the populace is highly offended by Edward's philandering when in reality middle America is only tuning in with the hope that they might have photos and tapes. Do you really think America has become that morally corrupt?

Sincerely,

Political Maven

Dear Mavis,

Yes I do think we have had a sea change in morality-in-America.

Mamma Mia!

Here is a perfect metaphor for how middle America really feels about morality: Mamma Mia!. Yes Mamma Mia!, my chickadees. Did any of the hordes of mother and daughters who watched the touring Broadway show or who lined up in droves for the movie, really think about the STORY? In case you have been hidden under a rock for the last decade, Mamma Mia! is set at the Greek Isle wedding of a young girl who has absolutely no idea who her father is because Mamma's not telling and when the daughter sneaks a peek at her mother's dairy, she finds out that darling Mamma slept with at least three men during the time of her conception. Oh, but you say, Mamma did her baby right, raising her to rejoin the mainstream establishment by reconnecting with her father (if she can figure out who he is) on her wedding day. Well, if you think that is the message, you obviously did not stick around for the last scene.

Mamma Mia! is a valentine to new age culture and a complete repudiation of supposed Baptist Republican middle American culture. But I bet if you surveyed the women in the lines outside the theaters (Mamma Mia! is playing all over the world), more than half of the women in line would identify themselves as conservatives. And to think most all elitist (and male) critics have roundly thumped Mamma Mia! for being pabulum for the masses, never noticing that Mamma has a subversive message. But Mamma's so-called subversive message is widely viewed as being "No big deal" by the so-called moral majority of America who prefer dancing in the aisles with their ten-year-old daughters to being offended. America has changed, someone just needs to notify the talking heads who hop from coast to coast, never stopping to take a peek at their middle American audience or to sit through Mamma Mia!.

Miss Wendy,

My daughter-in-law sent me a catalog shot of a cute bikini with a note asking my opinion. I replied that I was sure it would flatter me but I would likely choose another color.

Well, the little tart is thinking only of herself. She said the bikini was for her and she was just checking with me to confirm her sense of style and furthermore, a woman of my prominence would be better served with a selection from Lane Bryant.

Does Miss Wendy really believe that advancing years require us to look matronly?

Love and kisses,

Aunt Phyllis

My Darling Phyllis,

Of course not. But I do think we women of advancing years should use bikini wearing as an opportunity to get even with the matronly German women who have been showing their all on South Beach. So, buy that hussy bikini and head for the Beaches of Germany, try Sylt. It's Goose and Gander time, you immodest German Haus Fraus!!!

Dear Miss Wendy,

I think you just gave John Edwards a pass. His running around on his sick wife while he is running for President was despicable.

Sincerely,

Political Maven.

Dear Mavis,

The only person who is entitled to be outraged is Elizabeth Edwards and I’m sure she’s mad as hell. But the rest of this carrying-on is just an old fashion bear baiting - fun for the masses. The newscasters moan and groan (they are "shocked", "shocked") about how despicable Edwards was to run around on his wife when everyone knows how much hanky-panky there is in the newsroom. The great masses who are supposedly outraged simply don't exist; witness Bill Clinton's popularity. Even those so-called small-town Americans: Hey they may be clucking their tongues their tongues while they watch the newscasts, but it is all just fun and games - they GET IT. They live in small towns where they get to know everything about everyone.

And for your next question, would Miss Wendy put up with such nonsense? Well, Miss Wendy is from Texas where women carry wooden spoons to swat naughty boys and concealed hand guns to take care of anything else that pisses them off.

Dear Miss Wendy,

You have been curiously silent about John Edward's extra-marital affair. I know you are a lifetime Democrat, but Edwards certainly made himself fair game when he stuck his thumb into the wrong pie.

Sincerely,

Political Maven

Dear Mavis,

Okay - John Edwards! It's a story as old as the Garden of Eden (just what do you think the apple symbolized?) Men (and women) have been straying since the beginning of time; it's the way we are made. The real story would be if Edwards had never strayed; now that would have been truly surprising. Money and adulation are a powerful aphrodisiac and no matter how much we try to pretend that the norm is Ozzie and Harriet, reality is more Gene Simmons Family Jewels. And even though I really like Elizabeth Edwards and truly wish she did not have to face this pain, I would rather have John Edwards screwing around on his wife than have President Bush screwing us.

So, here's to you, John Edwards. You've been a bad bad boy. Now go forth and cut that sh*t out! So there.

Fashion Designers Three As Four
© Wild1 / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Fashion Week starts in less than a month so I thought now would be a great time to contemplate New York fashion designers Three As Four. I know they look like Serbian refugees, but they are part of the "avant-garde" and were featured in an exhibit London's Victoria and Albert Museum.

Hey, I had to tell you about something "downtown" after yesterday's Russell Simmons and the duck story.

Porschla Coleman, a Duck and Russell Simmons
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I saw this photo of Russell Simmons with his model/girlfriend Porschla Coleman attending a Farm Santuary event last May and had to laugh; as did Russell Simmons. Simmons sure has come a long way since the bad boy days when he founded Def Jam. Quack! Quack!

Dear Miss Wendy,

I wrote you yesterday questioning the wisdom of Ralph Lauren designing equestrienne looking clothing for larger women. And you insulted me by suggesting I either tell people I was planning to mount a Clydesdale or carry around a clip board like I was some sort of building supervisor.

Sincerely,

Tally Ho,

Dear Ms. Ho,

Miss Wendy has always had a problem with clothing that is not fundamentally suited for the activity the wearer is performing. For instance, I highly disapprove of gold lame' bathing suit, the ones that come with tags that say, "Do not get wet." I also dislike summer sweaters (if it is hot, why are you wearing a sweater?) and high heeled boots (if it is cold and snowy enough to wear a boot, why would you want to wear high heels?) So why should any woman wear jodhpurs and a riding jacket when she is only going to the grocery store? Just imagine the resulting conversation with the neighborhood biddies: "Oh Hi Tally, I didn't know you had taken up riding? I thought you were spending most of your time with your Weight Watchers group?"

Dear Miss Wendy,

I shopped for some new clothes today in the women's section on the 9th floor of Lord & Taylor. The new Ralph Lauren fall line was out (I KNOW how hot it is outside) and I noticed that most of the line had an equestrienne theme; riding pants, riding jackets, etc.. Well, what I want to know is just how does Ralph Lauren expect us larger ladies to ride at horse? Why those clothes go all the way up to size 3X! Some of us Ralph Lauren clad equestriennes would squash a horse if we climbed on top if it.

Sincerely,

Tally Ho

Dear Ms. Ho,

Well, there are always Clydesdales. But if you want to wear equestrienne clothes, and are worried about being picketed by PETA because you look like you could topple a horse, just keep a clip board handy in your purse. Nothing says official-observer faster than a clip board. Plus as Michael Keaton's character, Henry Hacket, explained in the 1994 film, The Paper, you can get in just about anywhere if you carry a clip board.

P. S. Thank God for the 9th floor of Lord & Taylor and I am not going to explain why I feel that way.

Jon Hamm, January Jones, John Slattery, Guest, Elisabeth Moss,
Matthew Weiner and, Vincent Kartheiser
Mad Men TV Series Cast Members
New York Times Arts & Leisure Week in Times Center in New York
January 8, 2008
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a great photo for all of you who are addicted to Mad Men. Isn't it fun to see a scruffy Jon Hamm smile and see January Jones in semi-2008 clothing (well, she isn't exactly wearing Versace). And none of them look evil in real life. If you are not addicted to Mad Men, what are you waiting for? It is the smartest show on television.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Paris Hilton has an absolutely hysterical video on Funny Or Die in which she disses John McCain for running an ad where he groups her (and Britney) with Barack Obama as though they were all members in some kind of air-head-celebrity sorority. Paris's video is very cleverly written, just check out her energy policy (she "assumes" that McCain "assumes" that she is also running for President or why else would he have included her in a political ad). You go girl!

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here's an Energizer Bunny Award for the World's Hottest Senior Citizens - The Rolling Stones. They were born perverted, (smoking unfiltered Camels in their cribs) and like a quartet of Peter Pans, they managed to never grew up. And now when they are at an age when other dirty old men are satisfied to wear stained raincoats and skulk about in dark alleys, they are still rocking! So here's to the Stones! You really got it going!

Blue Man Group
Sylvain Gaboury / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a hot tip: The Blue Man Group. The Blue Man Group began performing in New York City in 1988; it is presently at home at New York's Astor Place Theater at 434 Lafayette Street. The group was formed by three caterers who worked for Glorious Foods. This show is a perfect microcosm of what New York is all about; weird people thinking up weird ideas and then going out and doing it. So here's to you, Blue Man Group. Mazel Tov!

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/January/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/July/ask.html