Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy
R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher
here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column
PRN / PR Photos
Wendy to her readers:
I saw this photo and thought, "Boy that drag
queen sure didn't know when to tamp it down with
his Pam Amderson impersonation," and then I
looked a little closer and, "Omygod! It is
Note to Pam from New York Cool: When you start to
look like gals at Lucky
Changs, it's time to get the hell out of Vegas.
And when it comes to aging well, think Julie
Christie, not Zsa
December 2, 2008
Mark Dye / PR Photos
Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a New
Year's salute to Miss Britney Spears who has made
an 180 degree turn with her life. She is back performing
and spending time with her kids. According to People
Magazine, the children were just with her at
her brother's wedding in New Orleans and we saw
photos of the children with her when she performed
in New York early this December (and no, I don't
run photos of stars' children).
But my biggest
salute goes to her father, Jamie Spears. Who knew
that he could go back into his daughter life and
help her make such a turnaround? And what I would
like to know is this: After Britney is officially
all better, would Jamie consider taking his show
on the road. I know a lot of households who could
use his services. I personally am having trouble
getting to the gym and losing weight. And I would
have no clue how to put out an album of hot dance
music, but I am certainly willing to try! Will conservatorship
become the new lifestyle coach?
Tate Museum Street Art Exhibit
/ London, England
May 23, 2008
Solarpix / PR Photos
Miss Wendy to her readers: I was perusing
old photos and I saw this one of the Tate Museum
in London. The Tate had commissioned six international
streets artist to paint the facade of the museum.
Looking at the photo made me think about the origins
of art and fame. These artists started their careers
as street vandals; their art was painted over rather
than displayed. But there was something there, a
talent that would not be stopped, and they were
discovered despite of, and if we are going to be
truly honest, a bit "because of" their
Looking at this photo
and wondering who made the decision to commission
the works, I am reminded of an old Hollywood joke.
Two mid-level executives meet in the elevator. One
says he has read a new screen play. The other asks,
"What did you think of it?" To which the
first mid-level executive replies, "I don't
know; I am the only one who has read it so far."
Miss Wendy to her readers: Tonight is New
Year's Eve! Happy New Years to you and if you celebrate
and drink, please don't drive. Miss Wendy needs
all her readers.
Miss Wendy: We are now hearing from the man
who was convicted for having "Sex on the Beach"
in Dubai. No, not for drinking the popular cocktail
(which is actually legal in in Dubai), but for either
attempting (according to the perp) or actually "knocking
boots" (as we used to say in Texas) in the
Muslim sands of Dubai. According to the article
the perp has stated that he was "naive."
He also stated that he was drunk. Now all he has
to say is "Where do I sign my book contract?"
And all I have to say is that this gentleman was
obviously not raised by Mrs. Riley (my mother),
who would never have put up with such nonsense.
Also, if he had not
been so drunk, he might have remembered that there
are billion practical reasons why it is not a good
idea to conduct such activities on a beach, those
pesky little grains of sand which can and will end
From Miss Wendy
to her readers: A candidate
for chairman of the Republican National Committee
named Chip Saltsman has distributed a goody bag
of campaign materials to the Committee that included
a CD with the song, "Barack The Magic Negro."
And Mr. Saltsman is shocked, shocked that no one
gets the joke. (See CNN.com).
decided it was not cool to shoot their friends (Dick
Cheney and the buckshot), the solution shouldn't
have been to aim the gun at their own feet.
But perhaps Mr. Saltsman was channeling Borat.
Dear Miss Wendy,
Are the people in
La sexier looking than the people in New York?
No. But please don't
Wendy to her readers: Today
is Christmas and a time to be happy. I am in LA,
a perfect artificial Christmas tree kind of town
where even the homeless wear Christian
Audigier hoodies. But even here in the heart
of LaLa Land, the excess is less wretched. So whatever
has happened to your life during this toilet-swirl
of a year, if you are reading this, you are still
around to roll the dice So now is the time to pull
our collective ox out of the ditch and get on with
Miss Wendy's Guide to Non-Passive-Aggressive
(Yet Another Reprint from December 2007)
1. Do not give work-out clothing,
exercise bikes, gym memberships or Zone Diet subscriptions
to chubby people unless they specifically ask for
2. Do not give "Days of Beauty"
gift certificates to frumpy people. Do not give
one to me; I will "get" your subtext and
bitch-slap you. However, massage gift certificates
are always acceptable.
3. Do not buy clothing for anyone
unless you ask them about it first. Stick to gift
certificates. Do not ever buy anyone anything that
is a size to small so you can inspire them to lose
weight. They will get even by not attending your
funeral, an event which may occur sooner than you
4. Do not give any home decor
items to anyone anytime unless you KNOW they want
them. The holidays are not the time to sneak a few
tasteful items into your daughter-in-law's home.
5. Do not give leather-bound sets
of classic books to children who don't like to read
(stick to Harry Potter).
6. Do not give power tools to
fixes-anything-anyway. He will just leave it in
the middle of the garage floor to be run over when
you try to park his SUV.
7. Ditto on the fancy Williams
Sonoma pans for a woman who has not cooked in six
months. She may just rearrange your brains with
that Le Creuset frying pan.
Hey, the holidays are fraught,
so graciously buy gifts certificates for everyone
who does not specifically ask for something and
then enroll yourself in a kick boxing class so you
can work off your frustration about not getting
to remake your friends and family. (And see how
passive aggressive I am being by sending you off
to kick boxing instead of suggesting that you drown
your frustrations in a box of Godiva chocolates.)
From Miss Wendy
to Anyone Who is Planning on Celebrating Christmas
As We Travel Home for the Holidays
(Reprint from Decmeber 2007)
Christmas is so over
hyped that everyone is set up for disappointment.
When you go home for the holidays, you expect one
of your relatives to be able to play the piano and
sing a medley of Christmas songs, another to cook
a holiday feast complete with oysters in the stuffing,
someone else to perfectly carve a turkey and narrate
while everyone watches ("Who would like the
drum stick?"), someone (wearing a dark suit
with a linen napkin draped over the sleeve) to uncork
a champagne bottle, etc. etc. We also expect all
the mothers in our family to find perfect little
black velvet dresses WITH matching shoes and frilly
white socks or lace tights for all the little girls
and either dark suits or navy blazer and khaki pants
for all the sons (also with matching shoes and dark
socks). And in some cultures, all the women over
the age of thirty are expected to wear those dreadful
For two days a year (Thanksgiving
and XMAS), we expect our families to act in the
Hallmark Christmas Special (under our
capable direction) and we get really pissed when
they don't measure up to our expectations. After
all, they owe it to us; we saw it on television!!!
So give yourself a break, take
your family off the hook and have fun. Have the
"feast" delivered, dress down, relax,
go see the latest XMAS movie and save the torture
rack for other important family occasions like weddings
Dear Miss Wendy,
What do you think
about the Iraqi shoe-thrower?
I think it would have been a lot more insulting
if he had thrown a pair of Crocs,
thus making both a political statement and a
fashion statement. (I KNOW, I KNOW Crocs are comfortable,
but they are also UGLY, as are the actions of President
Doubt New York Premiere
Paris Theatre 4 West 58th Street
December 7, 2008
Sylvain Gaboury / PR Photos
Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a You
Got It Going Girl Award to the actress Sylvia
Miles. No matter where or what kind of party
it is, Miss Miles is there, dressed to the nines
and having a blast; you can't have a party in New
York City without Miss Sylvia, so don't even try.
Miss Wendy to her readers: I normally don't
post emailed ads, but I just received this from
The Daily and it looked so inviting, I could not
resist. And in case you are not familiar with the
Standard Hotels, they are designed with a hip early
seventies style - think clear plastic egg swings.
So if you still have two dimes to press together
or an active AMEX, go for it. Or at least, fantasize
Miss Wendy to her readers: There is increased
pressure on President Elect Obama to quit lollygagging
about, get with the program and buy Malia and Sasha's
a dog already. Vice President Elect Biden has just
purchased a puppy (see MSNBC.com)
even thought he had to take seven car loads of secret
service agents to the puppy store.
So hey there President Elect Obama: I know you have
serious problems to deal with (the economy, the
war, that silly business about not being able to
move into Blair House early), but how much longer
do you think we can wait to find out just who is
going to be the new First Dog. Huh? Huh? So there.
Miss Wendy to her readers: Christmas is upon
us and we are all in a hell-of-a-financial-mess.
One way you can cheer yourself up and help others
is to give. Money is best, but giving food to the
Bank and giving your gently used coats to the
York Cares Coat Drive can make a tremendous
difference in someone's life. These are simple things
that almost anyone can do. And please remember to
help the people who are suffering in Darfur and
to contribute to Feed The Children.
Giving helps others
but it also help us. It may sound new-agey, but
when we give something away, we expand; we have
become bigger people so we are not as afraid.
Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a fun
story on MSNBC.com
about a man who got so tired of having his house
toilet-papered (teenage hooligans thrown toilet
paper all over your trees creating an unholy mess),
that he decided to retaliate by squirting the bad
boys and girls with fox pee. And here is the cranker,
the homeowner was charged with misdemeanor assault.
But what I want to
know is - how the hell did he get a squirt gun full
of fox pee in the first place? Do you think our
unhappy homeowner just said it was fox
pee and it was really...... There is only one way
I know of that a man could quickly and efficiently
fill a squirt gun with pee. And as always this type
of endeavour would be much easier for a man than
for a woman, or for that matter, for a fox.
Perhaps this whole
"thing" is just a tempest-in-a-pee-pot.
Remember the old
medical adage: When You Hear Hoofbeats, Think Horses,
Not Zebras. Therefore, when we hear about a squirt
gun full of pee, we should not "rush to judgment"
and accuse a fox.
Dear Miss Wendy,
So what do you think
of the pay-for-play scandal in Illinois?
The airwaves and
the blogspheres have been filled with the "alleged"
(since we have journalistic ethics we have to use
the word alleged until they cart the perps off to
prison) misdeeds (but they have tapes - Tapes!)
of Governor Rod Blagojevich.
There are so many angles to the story. Did President
Elect Obama not repudiate him instantly and strongly
enough? (Note to Obama: Whenever you hear about
the alleged misdeeds of anyone you know, immediately
say, "You bad bad boy.") Is potential
Senator Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. the Candidate
Number 5, whose associates were not averse to raising
a million dollars for Blagojevich's coffers?
Everyone is so relieved.
We finally have a STORY. It was so dull reporting
how Barack Obama was doing such a steady job of
reassuring the public that we would be okay and
how Bush had bought a house in Dallas and would
finally be GONE BABY GONE!!!!
My only regret is
there is no sexual angle to the story. But hey,
it's fresh meat for the tabloids, so thanks for
being an "alleged" sleaze-bag, Governor
Miss Wendy to her readers: Here
is a medical advance we did not need (MSNBC.com).
A 70 year old woman in India has just given birth
to a baby through in vitro fertilization. And she
is not doing this for her fifty year old daughter
or for her 30 year old grand daughter; our seventy-year
old new mommy had a baby because she and her husband
had always wanted a child and were never able to
have one before. Just reading about this endeavour
is utterly exhausting. Oy vay! (I'm not Jewish but
I love Yiddish.)
Dear Miss Wendy,
It is utterly freezing
outside. Do you have anything good to say about
Drowning in Down
Ugg boots don't mess
up toe nail polish.
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos
Miss Wendy to her readers: That
cute Sarah Palin is in the news (and supplying comic
fodder for this column) AGAIN. It seems that (according
that even after the uproar over the Republican National
Committee spending $150,000 on clothing and styling
for her campaign, Governor Palin continued to spend.
See this MSNBC.com quote, "The latest buys
ranged from $4,383 at Saks Fifth Avenue and $2,130
at Nieman Marcus, to $148 at Victoria's Secret locations
in Philadelphia and Cincinnati. Another $430 was
spent at Aldo, a shoe store. The buys were listed
under the heading of "campaign accessories.
The party also paid $55,700 in
"consulting" fees to Lisa Kline &
Co., a New York fashion stylist. And the McCain-Palin
presidential campaign, which was funded with $84
million in tax dollars under the presidential public
campaign financing system, dispensed $34,384 to
Amy Strozzi, a celebrity makeup artist. The campaign
had previously paid Strozzi $36,000, disclosed in
earlier campaign finance reports."
Now you have to admire that
gal, she (and President George Bush) are from the
Eveready battery faction of the Republican party.
No matter what happens for President Bush (Iraq,
disaster management) or Palin (her daughter's failing
test in her abstinence-only sex education class,
being outed for her Neiman's habit) those two just
keep on banging their drums and going in the exact
Now having just poked fun at Palin
(it's so easy, I can't resist), I want to add two
caveats. We all need to shop so we can pull our
nation out of our economic doldrums. Maybe not with
the Republican National Committee's money (go ahead
if you can get your hands on some), but shop, because
shopping kills recessions. The next caveat is aimed
at everyone who has looked at how cute Sarah Palin
looked out on the campaign trail (hey, I am a lifelong
Democrat but that gal looked cute) and wondered
how she did it and were judging themselves on just
why they can't get it together like that, the answer
is: Sarah had a lot of help and a lot of OPM (other
people's money) to spend. As Dolly Parton's beautician
character said in Steel Magnolias, "There
is no such thing as natural beauty."
Miss Wendy to Everyone who is Attending an Office Holiday Party
(This is a
reprint from December of 2007 when companies could actually afford to have office parties.)
tis' the season to be jolly and all that s**t and all over Manhattan huge busses
are pulling up to office buildings to liberate the grinds and take everyone to
the "Office Holiday Party." The party will be held in a dark ballroom
at some hotel, there will be a band, and the booze will flow. And then afterwards,
some company VIP's will take everyone to a bar for a nightcap where they (the
VIP) will put down a credit card so everyone can continue to drink.
lovely, doesn't it. Well it's not and if you are new to the office party scene,
here are a few things you need to know.
1. Office parties
are not real parties, they are holograms.
2. Those friendly older employees,
who can seemingly drink copious amounts of liquor without showing any signs of
drunkenness, are seasoned alcoholics and not your new best friends. It will take
years of practice before you can keep up with them, so don’t even try.
If you act the way you acted in college when the booze flowed (fighting with your
friends, having sex with someone you just met), they will fire you the next day.
4. If you do manage to get quietly drunk and succeed in having sex with a
casual office acquaintance, you will have to see them the next day. There will
be neon lights and it won't be pretty. And everyone else will know and “talk”
So here is Miss Wendy's
advice. Attend your office party and have only two
drinks. Be gracious to everyone and then leave right
at 10PM to catch up with your real friends at a
dive bar where you can freely make an ass of yourself.
From Miss Wendy
to her readers: In the age
of viagara, there is finally some good news for
the future of CSPAN. According to an article on
retired couples report that they are having less
sex than before they retired.
Do you have a Question
for Miss Wendy?
Email her at email@example.com
All of Miss Wendy's
old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section: