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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Pamela Anderson
PRN / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I saw this photo and thought, "Boy that drag queen sure didn't know when to tamp it down with his Pam Amderson impersonation," and then I looked a little closer and, "Omygod! It is Pam Anderson."

Note to Pam from New York Cool: When you start to look like gals at Lucky Changs, it's time to get the hell out of Vegas. And when it comes to aging well, think Julie Christie, not Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Britney Spears
December 2, 2008
Mark Dye / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a New Year's salute to Miss Britney Spears who has made an 180 degree turn with her life. She is back performing and spending time with her kids. According to People Magazine, the children were just with her at her brother's wedding in New Orleans and we saw photos of the children with her when she performed in New York early this December (and no, I don't run photos of stars' children).

But my biggest salute goes to her father, Jamie Spears. Who knew that he could go back into his daughter life and help her make such a turnaround? And what I would like to know is this: After Britney is officially all better, would Jamie consider taking his show on the road. I know a lot of households who could use his services. I personally am having trouble getting to the gym and losing weight. And I would have no clue how to put out an album of hot dance music, but I am certainly willing to try! Will conservatorship become the new lifestyle coach?

Tate Museum Street Art Exhibit / London, England
May 23, 2008
Solarpix / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I was perusing old photos and I saw this one of the Tate Museum in London. The Tate had commissioned six international streets artist to paint the facade of the museum.

Looking at the photo made me think about the origins of art and fame. These artists started their careers as street vandals; their art was painted over rather than displayed. But there was something there, a talent that would not be stopped, and they were discovered despite of, and if we are going to be truly honest, a bit "because of" their street-thug cred.

Looking at this photo and wondering who made the decision to commission the works, I am reminded of an old Hollywood joke. Two mid-level executives meet in the elevator. One says he has read a new screen play. The other asks, "What did you think of it?" To which the first mid-level executive replies, "I don't know; I am the only one who has read it so far."

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Tonight is New Year's Eve! Happy New Years to you and if you celebrate and drink, please don't drive. Miss Wendy needs all her readers.

From Miss Wendy: We are now hearing from the man who was convicted for having "Sex on the Beach" in Dubai. No, not for drinking the popular cocktail (which is actually legal in in Dubai), but for either attempting (according to the perp) or actually "knocking boots" (as we used to say in Texas) in the Muslim sands of Dubai. According to the article in MSNBC.com, the perp has stated that he was "naive." He also stated that he was drunk. Now all he has to say is "Where do I sign my book contract?"

And all I have to say is that this gentleman was obviously not raised by Mrs. Riley (my mother), who would never have put up with such nonsense.

Also, if he had not been so drunk, he might have remembered that there are billion practical reasons why it is not a good idea to conduct such activities on a beach, those pesky little grains of sand which can and will end up anywhere.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: A candidate for chairman of the Republican National Committee named Chip Saltsman has distributed a goody bag of campaign materials to the Committee that included a CD with the song, "Barack The Magic Negro." And Mr. Saltsman is shocked, shocked that no one gets the joke. (See CNN.com).

When Republicans decided it was not cool to shoot their friends (Dick Cheney and the buckshot), the solution shouldn't have been to aim the gun at their own feet.

But perhaps Mr. Saltsman was channeling Borat.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Are the people in La sexier looking than the people in New York?

Sincerely,

Chicago

Dear Chicago,

No. But please don't tell them.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Today is Christmas and a time to be happy. I am in LA, a perfect artificial Christmas tree kind of town where even the homeless wear Christian Audigier hoodies. But even here in the heart of LaLa Land, the excess is less wretched. So whatever has happened to your life during this toilet-swirl of a year, if you are reading this, you are still around to roll the dice So now is the time to pull our collective ox out of the ditch and get on with it.

Merry Christmas!

Miss Wendy's Guide to Non-Passive-Aggressive Holiday Shopping
(Yet Another Reprint from December 2007)

1. Do not give work-out clothing, exercise bikes, gym memberships or Zone Diet subscriptions to chubby people unless they specifically ask for these items.

2. Do not give "Days of Beauty" gift certificates to frumpy people. Do not give one to me; I will "get" your subtext and bitch-slap you. However, massage gift certificates are always acceptable.

3. Do not buy clothing for anyone unless you ask them about it first. Stick to gift certificates. Do not ever buy anyone anything that is a size to small so you can inspire them to lose weight. They will get even by not attending your funeral, an event which may occur sooner than you expect.

4. Do not give any home decor items to anyone anytime unless you KNOW they want them. The holidays are not the time to sneak a few tasteful items into your daughter-in-law's home.

5. Do not give leather-bound sets of classic books to children who don't like to read (stick to Harry Potter).

6. Do not give power tools to your slobby-good-for-nothing-husband-who-never- fixes-anything-anyway. He will just leave it in the middle of the garage floor to be run over when you try to park his SUV.

7. Ditto on the fancy Williams Sonoma pans for a woman who has not cooked in six months. She may just rearrange your brains with that Le Creuset frying pan.

Hey, the holidays are fraught, so graciously buy gifts certificates for everyone who does not specifically ask for something and then enroll yourself in a kick boxing class so you can work off your frustration about not getting to remake your friends and family. (And see how passive aggressive I am being by sending you off to kick boxing instead of suggesting that you drown your frustrations in a box of Godiva chocolates.)

From Miss Wendy to Anyone Who is Planning on Celebrating Christmas

As We Travel Home for the Holidays
(Reprint from Decmeber 2007)

Christmas is so over hyped that everyone is set up for disappointment. When you go home for the holidays, you expect one of your relatives to be able to play the piano and sing a medley of Christmas songs, another to cook a holiday feast complete with oysters in the stuffing, someone else to perfectly carve a turkey and narrate while everyone watches ("Who would like the drum stick?"), someone (wearing a dark suit with a linen napkin draped over the sleeve) to uncork a champagne bottle, etc. etc. We also expect all the mothers in our family to find perfect little black velvet dresses WITH matching shoes and frilly white socks or lace tights for all the little girls and either dark suits or navy blazer and khaki pants for all the sons (also with matching shoes and dark socks). And in some cultures, all the women over the age of thirty are expected to wear those dreadful Christmas sweaters.

For two days a year (Thanksgiving and XMAS), we expect our families to act in the Hallmark Christmas Special (under our capable direction) and we get really pissed when they don't measure up to our expectations. After all, they owe it to us; we saw it on television!!!

So give yourself a break, take your family off the hook and have fun. Have the "feast" delivered, dress down, relax, go see the latest XMAS movie and save the torture rack for other important family occasions like weddings and divorces.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Miss Wendy,

What do you think about the Iraqi shoe-thrower?

Sincerely,

Political Maven

Dear Mavis,

I think it would have been a lot more insulting if he had thrown a pair of Crocs, thus making both a political statement and a fashion statement. (I KNOW, I KNOW Crocs are comfortable, but they are also UGLY, as are the actions of President Bush).

Sylvia Miles
Doubt New York Premiere
Paris Theatre 4 West 58th Street
December 7, 2008
Sylvain Gaboury / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a You Got It Going Girl Award to the actress Sylvia Miles. No matter where or what kind of party it is, Miss Miles is there, dressed to the nines and having a blast; you can't have a party in New York City without Miss Sylvia, so don't even try.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I normally don't post emailed ads, but I just received this from The Daily and it looked so inviting, I could not resist. And in case you are not familiar with the Standard Hotels, they are designed with a hip early seventies style - think clear plastic egg swings. So if you still have two dimes to press together or an active AMEX, go for it. Or at least, fantasize about it.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is increased pressure on President Elect Obama to quit lollygagging about, get with the program and buy Malia and Sasha's a dog already. Vice President Elect Biden has just purchased a puppy (see MSNBC.com) even thought he had to take seven car loads of secret service agents to the puppy store.

So hey there President Elect Obama: I know you have serious problems to deal with (the economy, the war, that silly business about not being able to move into Blair House early), but how much longer do you think we can wait to find out just who is going to be the new First Dog. Huh? Huh? So there.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Christmas is upon us and we are all in a hell-of-a-financial-mess. One way you can cheer yourself up and help others is to give. Money is best, but giving food to the Food Bank and giving your gently used coats to the New York Cares Coat Drive can make a tremendous difference in someone's life. These are simple things that almost anyone can do. And please remember to help the people who are suffering in Darfur and to contribute to Feed The Children.

Giving helps others but it also help us. It may sound new-agey, but when we give something away, we expand; we have become bigger people so we are not as afraid.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a fun story on MSNBC.com about a man who got so tired of having his house toilet-papered (teenage hooligans thrown toilet paper all over your trees creating an unholy mess), that he decided to retaliate by squirting the bad boys and girls with fox pee. And here is the cranker, the homeowner was charged with misdemeanor assault. Hmmm!

But what I want to know is - how the hell did he get a squirt gun full of fox pee in the first place? Do you think our unhappy homeowner just said it was fox pee and it was really...... There is only one way I know of that a man could quickly and efficiently fill a squirt gun with pee. And as always this type of endeavour would be much easier for a man than for a woman, or for that matter, for a fox.

Perhaps this whole "thing" is just a tempest-in-a-pee-pot.

Remember the old medical adage: When You Hear Hoofbeats, Think Horses, Not Zebras. Therefore, when we hear about a squirt gun full of pee, we should not "rush to judgment" and accuse a fox.

Dear Miss Wendy,

So what do you think of the pay-for-play scandal in Illinois?

Sincerely,

Political Maven

Dear Mavis,

The airwaves and the blogspheres have been filled with the "alleged" (since we have journalistic ethics we have to use the word alleged until they cart the perps off to prison) misdeeds (but they have tapes - Tapes!) of Governor Rod Blagojevich.

There are so many angles to the story. Did President Elect Obama not repudiate him instantly and strongly enough? (Note to Obama: Whenever you hear about the alleged misdeeds of anyone you know, immediately say, "You bad bad boy.") Is potential Senator Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. the Candidate Number 5, whose associates were not averse to raising a million dollars for Blagojevich's coffers?

Everyone is so relieved. We finally have a STORY. It was so dull reporting how Barack Obama was doing such a steady job of reassuring the public that we would be okay and how Bush had bought a house in Dallas and would finally be GONE BABY GONE!!!!

My only regret is there is no sexual angle to the story. But hey, it's fresh meat for the tabloids, so thanks for being an "alleged" sleaze-bag, Governor Blagojevich.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a medical advance we did not need (MSNBC.com). A 70 year old woman in India has just given birth to a baby through in vitro fertilization. And she is not doing this for her fifty year old daughter or for her 30 year old grand daughter; our seventy-year old new mommy had a baby because she and her husband had always wanted a child and were never able to have one before. Just reading about this endeavour is utterly exhausting. Oy vay! (I'm not Jewish but I love Yiddish.)

Dear Miss Wendy,

It is utterly freezing outside. Do you have anything good to say about this weather?

Sincerely,

Drowning in Down

Dear Drowning,

Ugg boots don't mess up toe nail polish.

Governor Sarah Palin
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: That cute Sarah Palin is in the news (and supplying comic fodder for this column) AGAIN. It seems that (according to MSNBC.com) that even after the uproar over the Republican National Committee spending $150,000 on clothing and styling for her campaign, Governor Palin continued to spend. See this MSNBC.com quote, "The latest buys ranged from $4,383 at Saks Fifth Avenue and $2,130 at Nieman Marcus, to $148 at Victoria's Secret locations in Philadelphia and Cincinnati. Another $430 was spent at Aldo, a shoe store. The buys were listed under the heading of "campaign accessories.

The party also paid $55,700 in "consulting" fees to Lisa Kline & Co., a New York fashion stylist. And the McCain-Palin presidential campaign, which was funded with $84 million in tax dollars under the presidential public campaign financing system, dispensed $34,384 to Amy Strozzi, a celebrity makeup artist. The campaign had previously paid Strozzi $36,000, disclosed in earlier campaign finance reports."

Now you have to admire that gal, she (and President George Bush) are from the Eveready battery faction of the Republican party. No matter what happens for President Bush (Iraq, disaster management) or Palin (her daughter's failing test in her abstinence-only sex education class, being outed for her Neiman's habit) those two just keep on banging their drums and going in the exact same direction.

Now having just poked fun at Palin (it's so easy, I can't resist), I want to add two caveats. We all need to shop so we can pull our nation out of our economic doldrums. Maybe not with the Republican National Committee's money (go ahead if you can get your hands on some), but shop, because shopping kills recessions. The next caveat is aimed at everyone who has looked at how cute Sarah Palin looked out on the campaign trail (hey, I am a lifelong Democrat but that gal looked cute) and wondered how she did it and were judging themselves on just why they can't get it together like that, the answer is: Sarah had a lot of help and a lot of OPM (other people's money) to spend. As Dolly Parton's beautician character said in Steel Magnolias, "There is no such thing as natural beauty."

From Miss Wendy to Everyone who is Attending an Office Holiday Party
(This is a reprint from December of 2007 when companies could actually afford to have office parties.)

Yup, tis' the season to be jolly and all that s**t and all over Manhattan huge busses are pulling up to office buildings to liberate the grinds and take everyone to the "Office Holiday Party." The party will be held in a dark ballroom at some hotel, there will be a band, and the booze will flow. And then afterwards, some company VIP's will take everyone to a bar for a nightcap where they (the VIP) will put down a credit card so everyone can continue to drink.

Sounds lovely, doesn't it. Well it's not and if you are new to the office party scene, here are a few things you need to know.

1. Office parties are not real parties, they are holograms.

2. Those friendly older employees, who can seemingly drink copious amounts of liquor without showing any signs of drunkenness, are seasoned alcoholics and not your new best friends. It will take years of practice before you can keep up with them, so don’t even try.

3. If you act the way you acted in college when the booze flowed (fighting with your friends, having sex with someone you just met), they will fire you the next day.

4. If you do manage to get quietly drunk and succeed in having sex with a casual office acquaintance, you will have to see them the next day. There will be neon lights and it won't be pretty. And everyone else will know and “talk” about you.

So here is Miss Wendy's advice. Attend your office party and have only two drinks. Be gracious to everyone and then leave right at 10PM to catch up with your real friends at a dive bar where you can freely make an ass of yourself.

Happy Holidays!

From Miss Wendy to her readers: In the age of viagara, there is finally some good news for the future of CSPAN. According to an article on MSNBC.com, retired couples report that they are having less sex than before they retired.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at wendy@newyorkcool.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/September/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/January/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/November/ask.html