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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Click here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column

Dear Miss Wendy,

It is freezing in New York. Are people having more fun in Miami?

Sincerely,

Snow Board

Dear Snow Board,

Yes.

Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell Smooching
South Beach/Miami
January 1, 2008
A. Gilbert / PR Photos

Dear Miss Wendy,

Well, it's that time of the year again - time to join the gym and take off what-needs-taking off? Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely yours,

Slightly Zaftig

Dear Zaftig,

Yup. Visit as many gyms as you can and join the one that has the most-people-just-like-you (beautiful people? slubs?) that is closest-to-your-home. If you want to make friends/meet someone, work out with weights at the same time each day and ask questions of the other weight lifters. Or join some kind of team (coed volley ball?) or water aerobics class. Yoga, aerobics and Pilates are great for your body, but you can only fix your soul, not meet a soul. The instructors will shush you if you talk. And exercise bikes, treadmills and elliptical are populated by exercise fiends with Ipod buds stuck in their ears who won't even hear your best pick up lines.

From Miss Wendy to Her Readers:

We are going into the biggest holiday weekend of the year and if you planning on celebrating some place where you will need a car (not New York, Aspen, an all-inclusive in Jamaica or a yacht), please be sure to pay for a sober car service. It is the right thing to do and a lot less expensive than bail, lawyers, community service (if you are lucky) and/or jail time. There are a lot better ways to emulate our celebrity culture than by getting your mug shot.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What do you predict for the coming year of celebrity culture - for Paris, Britney, Lindsey, Pamela etc. etc.

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

To quote Dorothy Parker: "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."

But many kudos to the Hollywood bad girls for playing warty Tinker Bells in our Neverland world. Without them, the boys and girls at TMZ.com would have to fly back through their windows and re-enroll in Junior High.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see on MSNBC.COM that Jennifer Aniston has hooked up with the Samantha's Sex and the City boytoy, Jason Lewis?

Jason Lewis
Atonement Screening Hosted by
The Cinema Society and Chanel Beaute
IFC Center
December 3, 2007
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yup. And a Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to Jennifer. There is simply nothing like the present you give yourself. And this gift looks like one that can keep on giving.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see the article on MSNBC.com about how Paris Hilton's grandfather is going to donate 97% of his fortune to his charitable trust?

Paris Hilton
LAX Nightclub at the Luxor Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas, NV, USA
December 31, 2007
Erik Kabik / PR Photos

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yes, and Paris should be thrilled becuase now she won't have to make her promised trip to Africa since her money can now go in her place.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see that article on MSNBC.com about how Lindsay Lohan's rehab goody bag, Riley Giles, has sold an interview to a British tabloid regarding Lindsay's insatiable sexual appetite after she got off alcohol and drugs?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yes I did. And here we are with another glass houses situation. Unless I read the article wrong, none of this insatiable sexual activity was performed by Lindsay on Lindsay; Riley seems to have been along for every bit of what he now calls (with his sour-grapes induced hindsight) "insatiable," "addicted" love making. It is like those films of sky divers where you can see every detail of their daring free fall and stop and think, "Uh, who's taking the film and just where are they?" Someone else is either hanging from an airplane in a harness or another free faller is both falling and filming the fall.

But this story of Lindsay's post-rehab sex addiction does make Britney's (let's pass those drug tests, y'all) Starbucks habit seem particularly innocuous.

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall
Christmas Dinner Served at the Los Angeles Mission
December 25, 2007
Photo Credit Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos

It is XMAS Eve; Merry XMAS and have a happy holiday. If you are not Christian and even if you are, it is a really cool Mitzvah to help out with the soup kitchens which are traditionally understaffed on XMAS Day. And as an added bonus, anyone you meet will be nice.

But if you are not feeling particularly fa-la-la-la-la, read this article on MSBNC.com about a doctor who was fired because he took a cell phone photo of his patient's tattooed penis (the tattoo said "Hot Rod"). Remember what your mother used to say about always wearing clean underwear because you never know when you might end up at the hospital. Well, this tattooing-of-the-genitals needs to be added to the list of things that Mothers warn their children not to do.

From Miss Wendy as We Travel Home for the Holidays

Christmas is so over hyped that everyone is set up for disappointment. When you go home for the holidays, you expect one of your relatives to be able to play the piano and sing a medley of Christmas songs, another to cook a holiday feast complete with oysters in the stuffing, someone else to perfectly carve a turkey and narrate while everyone watches ("Who would like the drum stick?"), someone (wearing a dark suit with a linen napkin draped over the sleeve) to uncork a champagne bottle, etc. etc. We also expect all the mothers in our family to find perfect little black velvet dresses WITH matching shoes and frilly white socks or lace tights for all the little girls and either dark suits or navy blazer and khaki pants for all the sons (also with matching shoes and dark socks). And in some cultures, all the women over the age of thirty are expected to wear those dreadful Christmas sweaters.

For two days a year (Thanksgiving and XMAS), we expect our families to act in the Hallmark Christmas Special (under our capable direction) and we get really pissed when they don't measure up to our expectations. After all, they owe it to us; we saw it on television!!!

So give yourself a break, take your family off the hook and have fun. Have the "feast" delivered, dress down, relax, go see the latest XMAS movie and save the torture rack for other important family occasions like weddings and divorces.

Merry Christmas!

Miss Wendy

From Miss Wendy to her readers:

I have been laid low by a case of "what's going around" and forced to rest and watch Law & Order and CSI reruns (not that there is anything wrong with that). But it's not the reruns that are driving me to overdose on Nyquil Multi-Symptom Cold & Flu Relief, it's the commercials.

Miss Wendy's List of Annoying Commercials

1. The bedazzler girl who finally found a way to start bedazzling again when she found a bedazzler for under $20! The idea that someone's life could be reduced to such a level makes me want to boohoo like a donkey wearing a side saddle.

2. The Walmart commercial where the trendily dressed Japanese/American woman tells us that she likes to buy Walmart gift certificates for her teenaged niece so her niece can keep redecorating her room as styles change. This commercial would only work with people who have never met a Japanese teenager or been in a Walmart. Although if a teenager did have an aunt who was deluded enough to buy her Walmart gift certificates for XMAS ("Am I out of Tide?"), a Japanese teenager (unlike her American counterparts) would be polite enough to not slap her.

3. The commercial for Abilify as a treatment of bi-polar disorder (it is also flacked as a cure for schizophrenia which might explain a lot about the commercial) where a nicely dressed woman with perfectly coifed hair is walking down a path in the woods where she meets up with another similarly dressed and coifed woman to whom she proceeds to give "knowing" looks. Not "knowing" enough to alert the Pat Robertson Army, but knowing enough to clue in the residents of Park Slope, Brooklyn. This commercial is massively confusing. What does bipolar illness have to do with being a lesbian? Was this woman a lesbian who was so depressed that she could not get dressed, blow dry her hair and take a walk in the woods before she took Abilify? I would have understood the commercial better if the ladies had exhibited some other kind of disorder like say.... Republicanism?

4. The cheaply-made commercials for that Long Island City strip club, Gallagher's 2000 - the ones with the aliens and the Santa girl in the red cropped top and pants dancing on a black and white set of New York City. Just who do they think is at home watching Law & Order after 11PM (when the strip club commercials start to run so I suppose they won't offend the children who are enjoying the blood and guts of Law & Order at an earlier hour) and upon seeing that commercial will decide to get out from under the covers and travel to Long Island City to go to a strip club that can't afford a decent commercial and who advertise "No Cover"?

4. And what about the uber sexual guy in the commercial for Diesel Fuel (the cologne from the trendy Diesel store, not what you will need to drive to Long Island City). He is the one with the knowing look on his face who looks hot in both a hetero and homo way. If you are feeling a little passive aggressive for XMAS, buy a bottle of that for all the Walter Mittys in your life. And throw in a CD of Janet Jackson singing "Nasty, nasty boys" for good measure.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Are diamonds the sexiest Christmas gift?

Sincerely,

Long Island Joe

Dear Joe,

No, Marilyn may have sung that "Diamonds are a girl's best friend," but American Express gift cards trump diamonds.

It may be hard to remember when the TV ads keep pushing the "Diamonds are forever" theme down our throats ("He went to Jerrod! He went to Jerrod!"), but the diamond shortage, desirability and thus the price is artificially manufactured by the De Beers Consortium (with very little benefit to their African sources). And in the end, all you have is a colorless sparkly thing that everyone tells you that you should want.

But if you love jewelry and have an American Express gift card, you can go to one of the wonderful stores that carry designer jewelry like Bergdorf, Neimans and Barneys. There you can find a piece of beautifully crafted jewelry and most of the time there will be no diamonds. See these John Hardy designs at Neimans.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am a male who is going to Miami for the holidays. Should I buy a Speedo?

Sincerely,

South Beach Bound

Dear South,

Do you look like (a young) Arnold or are you going to be competing in a swim meet? If so yes. If not, no. South Beach is undergoing a beautification project and everyone needs to do their part.

Dear Miss Wendy,

So, did you see all the stories about how Jamie Lynn Spears is now pregnant by boyfriend she started dating when she was thirteen and attending a religious school (MSNBC.com)?

Jamie Lynn Spears
The Wadsworth Theater
Los Angeles, California USA
June 10, 2007
Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos

Sincerely Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yup, I sure did and it is a classic Southern Gothic tale. I graduated from high school in a small Texas town, much like Kentwood, Louisiana where the Spears girls were raised. I had just moved to that town two years before and never really became one of the in-crowd (my father was the minister). I left for college the day after graduation and never went back. And I used to joke that thanks goodness I wasn't more popular because all the popular girls got knocked up prom night. But it wasn't a joke. When I got the newsletter for our 20th High School Reunion, a bunch of them were already grandmothers. Do the math; they were thirty-eight. It's the small town South and things are different down there.

But the best thing Jamie Lynn can do if she is keeping her baby is to not marry the father. She has enough problems right now without taking on a husband and risk creating another mooch like KFED.

Also, see this article in People.com about how: "Lynne Spears's Parenting Book 'Delayed Indefinitely." That's a shame becuase that book was just starting to get really interesting.

One other thing: If your daughter has a long-term boyfriend and the modus operarandi in your household is to assume that she is NOT having sex so you don't spend adequate time explaining (or having medical personal explain) the in-and-outs of birth control, you will either end up with an abortion or a grandchild and neither of these options are healthy for teen agers. I am pro-choice because I can't see any other viable option; sometimes you just can't have a baby. But abortions can scar anyone psychologically (always wondering what the baby would have been like) and motherhood isn't for sissies, so it should be birthcontrols pills and condoms for any kid who is in a relationship. As Michael Chrichton's Jurassic Park script kept emphasizing, "nature always finds a way to recreate itself." And that is true no matter how "good" the kid is. They will have "good" hormones too.

But Hold the Phone: All this carrying on about the Spears girls, has kept me from adquately rejoicing the fantastic news that Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon have decided to try to work things out. See this wonderful quote from (People.com): "Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from Rick Salomon after two months of marriage last week, but a reconciliation may already be in the works." I am so relieved.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I wrote you yesterday asking for a recommendation of a romantic hotel for my girlfriend and me to stay in this weekend. You said that Bryant Park Hotel - something about watching ice skaters. Well, we are in our 30's, not our 70's. Don't you have some hotter recommendations?

Sincerely,

Bridge and Tunnel Man

Dear Bridge,

Okay! Okay! Try the Dream Hotel in Times Square. Here is a quote from Fodors about the Dream: "A Kafkaesque dream by way of hotelier Vikram Chatwal, this Midtown scenester focuses more on style than comfort. The lobby oddly combines an enormous two-story cylindrical neon-lighted aquarium, an unsettling two-story photograph of a tattooed woman, and a copper sculpture of Catherine the Great. Step off the elevator onto your floor and you'll be met with a jarring neon photograph; rooms are almost as disquieting -- stark white walls, black furniture, and light-box desks that glow from within. Stay here if you love things modern: plasma TVs, complimentary iPod use, a Deepak Chopra spa, and a velvet-rope rooftop bar scene."

Or for something a little more off the beaten path, try the Bowery Hotel. Yup, it is in what used to be "the Bowery" but is now the home to the New Museum and Patricia Field's Boutique. The Bowery is an old world gem nestled in one of the hottest new neighborhoods in Manhattan. See the unending raves for the Bowery on Trip Advisory.

But as always, it's not the hotel room but who is in it that determines where the room is "hot" or not.

Dear Miss Wendy,

My girlfriend and I will be coming to the city for the weekend. I want to stay somewhere really romantic. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Bridge and Tunnel Man

Dear Bridge,

Book a room at the Bryant Park Hotel, one which overlooks the ice skating rink and XMAS fair. The views from the high floors are spectacular (the penthouse views are stunningly romantic with tiny stick figures skating on rink), rivaling the views I used to see of Central Park from the high floors of the Plaza Hotel.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you see the article in Newsweek about the swinger's club (called The Cherry Pit) that is suing the City of Duncanville, Texas because the city is trying to shut down their parties?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Yes I did. And although I normally make it a practice to never think about a group of naked middle aged people rolling around together on a bed, that is one doozie of a story. Every now and then, Texas still manages to surprise me. You think it is all Southern Baptists drinking iced tea and eating potato salad and then this.

From Miss Wendy to Her Readers:

Everyone is out holiday shopping (I was out last night and nearly got trampled), and may be in a really bad mood. So, here it is, just in time for XMAS:

Miss Wendy's Guide to Non-Passive-Aggressive Holiday Shopping

1. Do not give work-out clothing, exercise bikes, gym memberships or Zone Diet subscriptions to chubby people unless they specifically ask for these items.

2. Do not give "Days of Beauty" gift certificates to frumpy people. Do not give one to me; I will "get" your subtext and bitch-slap you. However, massage gift certificates are always acceptable.

3. Do not buy clothing for anyone unless you ask them about it first. Stick to gift certificates. Do not ever buy anyone anything that is a size to small so you can inspire them to lose weight. They will get even by not attending your funeral, an event which may occur sooner than you expect.

4. Do not give any home decor items to anyone anytime unless you KNOW they want them. The holidays are not the time to sneak a few tasteful items into your daughter-in-law's home.

5. Do not give leather-bound sets of classic books to children who don't like to read (stick to Harry Potter).

6. Do not give power tools to your slobby-good-for-nothing-husband-who-never- fixes-anything-anyway. He will just leave it in the middle of the garage floor to be run over when you try to park his SUV.

7. Ditto on the fancy Williams Sonoma pans for a woman who has not cooked in six months. She may just rearrange your brains with that Le Creuset frying pan.

Hey, the holidays are fraught, so graciously buy gifts certificates for everyone who does not specifically ask for something and then enroll yourself in a kick boxing class so you can work off your frustration about not getting to remake your friends and family. (And see how passive aggressive I am being by sending you off to kick boxing instead of suggesting that you drown your frustrations in a box of Godiva chocolates.)

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/February/ask.html