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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Click here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Have you noticed how much safer New York City is since smokers have been forced to loiter outside clubs and restaurants when they want to smoke? We now have a group of attractive night watchmen packing camera phones and cigarette lighters. The residents of New York are no longer forced to wake the homeless when they are menaced by muggers.

Whoda thought?

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is an interesting article on MSNBC.com about the joys of ballooning. But one of the joys they don't mention is that balloons make almost no noise, so you can spy on people in their backyard pools.

I had a pool when I lived in Memphis, Tennessee and I never knew the ballooners were up there until I heard them applauding.

Motley Crue
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Today I present to you the styling choices of the ladies and gentlemen of Motley Crue. In Terrence McNally's play Master Class, McNally has Maria Callas tell one of her students that, "You must get a look." And with names like Mick Mars, Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil and Tommy Lee (on the right with all the tattos), this band most definitely has a look.

Boy George
Photo Credit Diedre Kilgore

From Miss Wendy to her readers: It seems that our much vaunted Department of Homeland Security (and our State Department) is now protecting us from...... Boy George. Darling Boy is not being allowed into the US until he addresses charges in Britain that he imprisoned a male escort.

This banning of celebrities in the guise of protecting our national security is getting totally silly. I have an idea: Why don't we tell Britain that we will take their Boy George if they will take our Martha Stewart (who was denied a Visa to visit Britain because of her conviction for Obstruction of Justice)? Seems like a fair trade to me.

And I would like to go on record as saying that I am not afraid of Boy George, Martha Stewart or our Department of Homeland Security (even if they pour a bucket of orange paint over their heads). I'm from Texas (the home of the truly scary President George W. Bush) and I can recognize silly when I see it.

Click here for a Today Show Interview with Boy George (sorry about the commercial).

Marz Bar
Photo Credit Mary Blanco

From Miss Wendy to her readers: If you would like to check out one of New York's grimmiest dive bars (before they are all Disneyfied), I present the East Village's Marz Bar (25 East 1st Street). You walk in there, and you are instantly transported to New York in the seventies.

Larry Birkhead Kisses a Anna Nicole Look-a-Like
© PRN / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I saw this photo and thought of you immediately. That is Larry Birkhead (the DNA'd father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielynn ) kissing a Anna Nicole look-a-like at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Well.....Holy Necrophilia, Batboy!!!

Now, aren't you glad you read my column?

Alison Nelson's Chocolate Bar at Henri Bendel
Photo Credit Rod Nunez

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is quick tip to clear up anyone's summer doldrums: The Alison Nelson Chocolate Bar at Henri Bendel at 712 Fifth Avenue. And if you get bored with the chocolate, you can buy some clothes.

After all, it is always best practice to nip depression in the bud. And if you are not depressed, it doesn't hurt to be proactive.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I read what you said about the Chinese squat toilets that are being installed for the Beijing Olympics and I think your carping shows that you are a provincial, inflexible person who is not open to new experiences - a true xenophobe.

Sincerely,

So There

Dear So,

Hmmph! No one past the age of three is capable of switching toilet styles with anything approaching ease. Unless you are a professional baseball catcher, you will find "assuming the Chinese position" demeaning. And that is only the start of the problem. Just how will the United States' inexperienced squatters learn to coordinate their backwards "aim?"

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is an interesting article on MSNBC.com about the public toilets that will be availble for use during the Beijing Olympics. The most popular toilet in China is a squat toilet - the toilet is flat to the floor (basically a glorified hole in the floor) and the toilet user squats over it. See this quote: ""Not all of the toilets will be changed, but those for journalists, athletes, and VIPs will be," Xinhua quoted Yao Hui, the deputy director of venue management, as saying."

Hmmm.. so they are NOT going to change the toilet style from squat to throne for the TICKET HOLDERS. So if you are going to attend the Beijing Olympics, you might want to hit the gym to do some Olympic style work on your quads.

Sienna Miller
Solarpix / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is yet another fashion blast from across the pond. Miss Sienna Miller certainly does "have it going girl."

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is an article on MSNBC.com about Martha Stewart titled: "Not a good thing: Stewart banned from Britain - Lifestyle guru denied entry into country because of 2004 conviction." Remember she was convicted of Obstructing Justice regarding the sale of stock in some outside company; she was not convicted of insider trading regarding this sale or robbing her company or any other really heinous crime. What do they think she is going to do that would be so dangerous to the British people? Wear white gloves and check the country for dust? Disapprove of the drapery fabrics?

My theory: if President George Bush is allowed to travel to Britain, than Martha Stewart should be too. After all, when was the last time you were scared of Martha Stewart?

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I have a simple question: How am I supposed to enjoy my late night Law & Order reruns when I am being bombarded by that creepy ad for "Male Enhancement" as in "Who would have believed that a simple pill could make you larger?" That actor reminds me of my last flasher and he (the flasher) certainly wasn't anything to write home about!!

That ad needs to win a Razzzie for "Most Annoying Ad Ever." And since it continues to play nonstop on late night TV, some fools must be buying that snake-oil-in-a capsule or the charlatans who produced the ad could not afford to continuing running it. And to the silly men behind the ad (it has to be Admen) and to the deluded men buying the pills and thus helping to pay for more ads, I say: "Cease and desist! You are ruining Miss Wendy’s quiet enjoyment of her Law & Order reruns."

After all, all men can't be David Beckham and some say that even David Beckham isn't all David Beckham (see MSNBC.com).

Royal Ascot 2008
June 18, 2008
© Solarpix / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: In my continuing goal to keep you informed of what is happening across the pond, I present the Ladies of Ascot and their hats.

One of the things we have lost in our dress-down culture is the fun it used to be to attend an event and see what everyone else was wearing.

So here's to the Ladies of Ascot. Many thanks for cherring us up!

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a fascinating article on MSNBC.com about the mating habits of female chimps. See this quote: "Female chimps keep quiet during sex to keep other females from finding out and punishing them for mating with the best males, British researchers said on Wednesday. The study of chimp copulation calls also found that females seem more concerned with having sex with as many mates as possible rather than just finding the strongest male as a way to confuse paternity and secure future protection for offspring."

Perhaps they should name these chimps Pamela and Denise. And could TMZ.com have originated in the chimp world as the "other females [who found out].... and punished [the jungle hussies] for ....mating with the best (?) males.?" Hmm?

Rainn Wilson
© PRN / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a photo that made me laugh, Rainn Wilson as Robert 'Fish' Fishman in The Rocker. Now isn't this enough to make you want to go out an buy your own copy of Rock Band?

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson
© Lee Roth / RothStock / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: In the spirit of Happy Father's Day to all who qualify (I grade on the curve), there is wonderful news in People.com. Those darling lovebirds, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together again..... as in again and again and again. (They have been married and divorced and then forced to be apart while Pamela married two other upstanding citizens, Kid Rock and Rick Salomon. And....they were also apart while Tommy served his four month jail sentence for battering Pam.)

See this quote: "Now retracing past steps, friends say the couple "are happy," and so are their sons Dylan, 10, and Brandon, 12."

Of course unbeknownst to the happy young couple, both children are most likely making plans to become Republican Baptists (they are too old to put themselves up for adoption). It takes a lot to create a Lindsay Graham, but this should just about do it.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What are the most unusual and fun things I can do in New York this summer on a limited budget?

Sincerely,

Just Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Life Cafe
Photo Credit Wendy R. Williams

Stay in the city and act like a tourist:

* Go to Battery Park and eat at one of the restaurants on the deck overlooking the water.
* Ride the Staten Island ferry and/or a water taxi.
* Watch movies outdoors at the HBO Bryant Park Summer Movie Festival.
* Get your hair fixed for $8.32 at Empire Beauty School at 22 W 34th St/ (212) 923-4000.
* Check out the music at Central Park Summer Stage or the American Express sponsored River to River Festival.
* Walk across 8th Street from Fifth Avenue to Avenue A and just look; stop in Tompkins Square Park and stare for while.
* Eat at Life Cafe at Tompkins Square Park and pretend you are Jonathan Larsen writing the sciprt and score of Rent.
* Go to Central Park and sit in Sheephead Meadow and then take the A train up to The Cloisters.
* Stand in line on Friday night to attend the Target Free Friday Night at MoMA.

But most of all, have fun. New York is magical in the summer.

Agyness Deyn
Photo Credit Solarpix / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: In my continuing goal to keep you informed of the trends and fashions that will quickly cross the pond (from London to New York), I present Miss Agyness Deyn of London, England. Expect to see her Tweety-Bird-Stuck-Her-Finger-in-the-Light-Socket-and-Still-Looks-Smashing look on the streets of New York. (P. S. Is that a leather strap in her hand?)

And to think, we still believe we won the Revolutionary War.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a giddy article in MSNBC.com titled: "Gay marriage may boost ailing Calif. economy." It has quotes like: "The good news for California is that in the face of probably the worst budget problems the state has ever faced, the LGBT wedding industry is going to be a financial shot in the arm," Jeffrey Pang, mayor of West Hollywood, a popular destination for gay travelers in Southern California."

But the best quote is: "Rena Puebla, who makes wedding-cake figures that can be customized to come in bride-bride and groom-groom pairs, said she has gone from selling 50 a day to 150 since the May 15 ruling. "It's unbelievable," said Puebla, whose Costa Mesa company, Renellie International, sells the cake toppers online. "People are just so excited that there's something like this out there for them." Puebla's company designs a variety of single figurines and then pairs them according to the customer's wishes. Some bride figurines come in a tailored skirt and tuxedo jacket instead of a big gown. "People can do whatever they want because it's not already stuck together," Puebla said.

Exactly.

Dear Miss Wendy,

It was sweltering in the city today, 97 degrees in the shade. Does anyone look good in this kind of heat?

Sincerely,

The Melting Pot

Dear Melting,

It is easy to look great in this weather. If you are a woman: be born with naturally straight hair; never weigh more than 120 pounds; and spend your days standing, so you don't muss your linen frock.

Times Square's Naked Cowboy
Photo Credit Guillermo Hung

If you are a man, you can take your styling tips from Times Square's Naked Cowboy; he always looks cool, irregardless of the weather. Plus he wears a hat to cover his wiltering hair.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I just saw the Sex and the City movie and want to move to the city so I can live the SATC lifestyle. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

SATC Besotted

Dear Besotted,

Be very rich. It takes a lot of money to live the SATC lifestyle, becuase no one can walk around in stillettos with beautifully coiffed hair unless they can afford limousince service (starts at $60 an hour at parislimousineservice.com). And don't say, "That's silly, I'll just catch a cab." Yeah, you and everyone else who just noticed that it's raining or rush hour or ninety degrees in the shade.

Any other city, you leave your climate controlled home and get in your climate controlled car and drive to either a parking garage or use valet parking. Living the New York lifestyle is like backpacking in the wilderness for everyone but the super rich. You leave your apartment looking simply marvelous only to arrive at your destination looking like you just left the gym.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is an hysterical article in People.com about how the cast of The Real Housewives of New York City and the cast of The Real Housewives of Orange County got into it backstage at the taping of the Bravo A-List Awards. Well, maybe you maintained your standards and did not watch these two train wreck shows, but I didn't. I started out with the highest of intentions and then was led to click on the shows by my remote control, which is programmed to seek out low culture. I particularly thought it was funny the way Bravo plugged the New York show as portraying the life of New York socialites.

See this quote: "Later that evening Frankel denied that the catfight came to physical blows, but alluded to the fact that the argument was far from over. “Watch what happens,” [Bethenny] Frankel warned, adding: “Give me a can of hairspray and a match, and I’ll take care of that in the dressing room later.”

Mrs. Astor died in the nick of time.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Well, it appears that California will have gay marriages, at least for the time being. See LA Times article titled, "California Supreme Court refuses to delay gay marriage." According to the article, the California Supreme Court which had struck down the laws banning gay marriage has, "The court also refused to delay enforcement of the decision until after the November election, when voters will decide whether to reinstate a ban on same-sex nuptials."

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

I saw that article and immediately started calculating just how many gay couples do I know in California, how well are they getting along and just what might my financial obligations be this summer re. wedding presents, new clothes, airplane fare, etc.?

And I also began fretting (again) about the idea of how I have no clue what the "antis" are talking about when they speak of defending the institution of marriage by passing laws that state that marriage can only be between a man and woman.

Is there some epidemic (of which I am unaware) of old married couples deciding to get divorced because they don't want to be married anymore if gay people can also get married. Just to be sure, I called my brother and sister in Texas who have been married forever (not to each other silly, I know I am from the South but come on!) to ask if they felt that their marriages were being threatened by the ruling in California regarding gay marriage. And I got an ear-full of "Why are you calling with such a silly question and if you want to see how our marriages are doing, you can get your butt down here for a visit." Well, so much for my investigative reporting.

I guess the only marriages that might be threatened by this new ruling are those of California couples with lots of gay friends who might be bankrupted by the necessity of buying silver plated chafing dishes. (Try Michael C. Fina.)

So in honor of the upcoming California gay nuptials, here is the chorus of John Paul Young's "Love Is in the Air."

"Love is in the air
Love is in the air
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh"

Dear Miss Wendy,

I have a typical small uninspiring New York City apartment. What can I do to spice it up without breaking my nonexistent bank? And don't tell me to buy house plants; it's dark in here and they will die, just like my love life.

Sincerely,

Man in a Box

Dear Box,

Try lighting. If you have an unemployed friend who studied lighting design in college (most of them are unemployed, at least in their field), ask for advice. Otherwise, go to a store like Just Bulbs and look at the bulbs.

Some quick fixes:

1. Buy small lamps to put in bookcases and install 5 watt bulbs. Leave them on like nightlights.
2. Buy small spotlights and put them behind your furniture or on top of tables.
3. Pink light bulbs and pink silk lined lamp shades make everyone look beautiful.

Lighting can turn a dull apartment into a sexy lair. If you don't believe me, walk into any nice restaurant at night and ask yourself why the place looks so pretty. They lit the stage.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is an unintentionally funny article in MSNBC.com about a New York City stockbroker who was acquitted of a charge of gym rage. See this quote: "A Manhattan Criminal Court jury found 44-year-old Christopher Carter not guilty of assault against hedge-fund manager Stuart Sugarman. Carter had complained about the 48-year-old Sugarman's loud hollering and grunting during the high-impact spin class and asked him to quiet down. Sugarman said he refused and that Carter then lifted his exercise bike and hurled him into a wall, damaging a disc in his neck."

Well, obviously a few of the jurors were gym rats themselves and knew how utterly horrifying it is to hear someone grunting and groaning in the gym. There are only two situations in life where such noise MAY be appropriate and one of them requires that the grunter be seated on a porcelain throne.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: It seems that the people of West Virginia (see MSNBC.com) are in a bit of a snit because Vice President Dick Cheney just made a light hearted remark about how his family is a little inbred with Cheneys on both side of his family tree and "We don't even live in West Virginia." Well, I think the people of West Virginia need to lighten up. The poor man was simply trying to explain what went wrong with his family tree resulting in...well, him.

And besides, I am from the South and there is not much to do down there and there are not that many eligible young men and women in small towns so you simply can't fault a person for checking out the cousins at the family reunion. And when folks start criticizing the affection we have for our cousins, well them there's fighting words.

And if Vice President Cheney and his wife are some kind distantly related cousin, so what? Someone had to marry him. Even though In-breeding is hell-of-a-lot better than no breeding at all, poor old Vice President Cheney appears to have been afflicted with both the former and the latter.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/January/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/June/ask.html