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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you read the news (MSNBC.com)? Pamela Anderson and Rick Solomon are just about to annul their two-month marriage? Oh what is the world coming to? Is there no commitment to marriage anymore?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon
Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino Grand Opening
Las Vegas, NV, USA
November 17, 2007
© PRN / PR Photos

Dear Tilly,

Yes, I am avidly following the Anderson/Salomon marriage debacle and have some suggestions for other love birds who would like to avoid such a tragic and untimely end to their own marriage (marriages):

1. Do not get married in Las Vegas. (Why am I having to write this????)

2. And never marry anyone between shows. (According to People.com, the Anderson/Salomon marriage "took place in an hour-and-a-half between Anderson's two magic shows.")

3. Never marry anyone to whom you owe money. Also according to People.com, " 'I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love," Anderson told [Ellen] DeGeneres of her new guy. 'It's so romantic. It's romance.' "

4. Do not marry anyone who has starred in a sex tape, especially if you yourself have starred in a sex tape. No marriage can survive that much competition.

5. Do not marry anyone who sports so much spray-on tan they look desiccated. This is especially true if you habitually dip yourself in a vat of mustard-colored dye.

And you better follow these rules if you have any hope of ever receiving a silver chafing dish (or even a silver-plated pickle fork) from Miss Wendy. But if someone would please compose an opera based on Pamela's life, Miss Wendy will attend.

From Miss Wendy to her readers:

Now that there has been a bit of time for the dust to settle on our multiple New York area gubernatorial scandals, here are a few comments:

Former Governor Elliott Spitzer
© Anthony G. Moore / PR Photos

H'mm, just why did Spitzer have to resign? Well, in my opinion, it was mostly because he came across as such an appalling hypocrite that people could not stand to look at his face.

But there is another issue that has been swept under the carpet in this scandal - the way he was caught. Spitzer was caught because his bank filed a SARS report (suspicious activity report) when he moved his own (and I assume after tax) money around to conceal the fact that he was sending money to The Emperor's Club (see CNN.com). And the reason his bank filed the SARS is that they are required to by the Patriot Act, a law that was passed to combat terrorism. But because the Patriot Act is in place, prosecutors are using it for a huge variety of investigations, such as investigating the Governor of New York's use of prostitutes. Now I am sure that if our lawmakers had been asked to pass a law that would allow Federal Prosecutors to investigate their "paid" sex lives, they would have found a strong "civil liberties" motivation to vote no. And just because we don't like what Governor Spitzer did, does not mean that we can't also be appalled by the big brother aspects of how he was caught.

The federal prosecutors were not investigating Spitzer. They were just told by his bank that he was moving funds to a corporation, so they went looking to see if they could find a crime. Before the Patriot Act they would have had to have a warrant and probable cause, but now they can just snoop through any and everyone's financial records.

And as for Spitzer violating the Mann Act, that is a pretty far reach. The Mann Act states that: "Whoever knowingly transports any individual in interstate or foreign commerce, or in any Territory or Possession of the United States, with intent that such individual engage in prostitution, or in any sexual activity for which any person can be charged with a criminal offense, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both." Since no one has suggested that Spitzer threw Miss Dupre in the trunk of his car and drove her across state lines, this one is going to be truly hard to prove.

In fact, when everything settles down, I doubt Spitzer will face any charges from this dustup. If he were charged with a crime, Spitzer has the money and the brains to fight any charges all the way to the Supreme Court, where some of these supposedly-unintended-but-cool-to-have benefits of the Patriot Act might be overturned. And for prosecutors, losing their unfettered financial snooping power would definitely be a consequence they would not like to incur. I bet a lot of lawyers in the US Attorney's office are busy working on the best way to say, "Thanks, but no thanks," as I write this column.

Governor Elliot Spitzer in Happier Times
Photo dated 2006
Photo Credit Mary Blanco

In fact, there may be some benefits from this scandal. I supported Senator Larry Craig's refusal to resign from the Senate for the offense of "looking gay" in a public restroom. Craig merely tapped his toes, fidgeted and made hand signals under the stall, exactly what women do when we realize that there is no toilet paper in our stall. I was appalled that Craig was arrested for such nebulous activity and also appalled that after his embarassed guilty-to-disorderly-conduct plea he was strongly encouraged to resign from his job by his colleagues in the Senate. If the laws in Minnesota allow arrests for such unspecific activity, the state of Minnesota needs to change their laws. I feel the same way about Spitzer. Maybe now we can look at the laws we passed after 9/11 and examine the consequences to our civil liberty.

Governor David Patterson, photo dated 2006
Photo Credit Mary Blanco

So now it turns out that our new governor, Governor David Patterson, is also not a saint (or a virgin). (See the Daily News and the Washington Post). Well, enough already. It's New York. We are not going to find a saint to be governor and if someone presents himself as a saint, he will just turn out to be another hypocrite like Spitzer. And hypocrisy and repression never work; nature always finds its way out. So as long as we elect humans to public office, there will be sex and the resulting sex scandals. So let's just pretend we are French and start looking bored and shrugging (we can still bathe and wash our hair). After all, what's wrong with just saying, "So?"

Dear Miss Wendy,

Whatever is going on with Silda Wall Spitzer, former Governor Elliott Spitzer's wife? Why did she stand next to her philandering husband during those news conferences?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

I saw that too and sat there wishing she would just haul off and bitch slap him; I would have liked both of them a lot more. It must have been horribly painful to stand there listening to Spitzer's mealy-mouthed comments about how he did not live up to his own standards. It was living down to what we now know were his real standards that got him into this mess in the first place.

But longtime marriages are not simply romances, especially when both money and children are involved. These marriages are more like corporations and the wife is not just a wife, she is the chief executive officer. So when the chairman of the board confesses to "irregularities in the accounting system," the chief executive officer stands by his or her side because he or she still has stock in the company.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a story out of the how-low-can-you-go category. According to MSNBC.com, former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has just confirmed a story that his estranged wife and he indulged in sexual three-somes (with another man) before he became governor.

The story contains this appalling quote from McGreevey: "In his statement, McGreevey said he and his estranged wife need to move forward for the sake of their 6-year-old daughter 'This happened, this happened in the past, and now we need to move on with our lives,” McGreevey, 50, said without being specific.'"

What's this moving-on-with-our-lives business? This story will haunt that little girl for the rest of her life. The simplest thing for an aggrieved soon-to-be-ex-husband to say about such a story about his soon-to-be-ex-wife would be, "Of course not. She was never that much fun." That way he could get in a dig and still preserve his daughter’s dignity.

It is time for one of Bill Maher's New Rules: Once you have children, you can never again discuss your sex life in public.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: If you are sitting at home dreading yet more of our rainy New York weather, feast your eyes on this article in MSNBC.com about Celebrity Owned Resorts.

From Miss Wendy to her readers:

Here is my favorite joke:

A man suspects his wife is having an affair so he sneaks home at lunch one day. As he enters the apartment, sure enough he hears someone scurrying out the bedroom window. He runs to the window and see a man running down the street. So the man picks up an old refrigerator he was storing on the fire escape and throws it on the man killing him. Later that day in a fit of remorse, the cuckolded husband kills himself.

Cut to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates:

Our recently cuckolded and suicided husband arrives.

St. Peter: "What happened to you?"

Our man: "I found out that my wife was having an affair and I killed the man and then I felt bad about it so I killed myself."

St. Peter: "Okay, go on in."

Another man approaches St. Peter; he looks terrible, just like someone who had recently been crushed by a refrigerator.

St. Peter: "What happened to you?"

Second man: "I was walking down the street minding my own business and someone threw a refrigerator on me."

St. Peter: "Yeah, right. So go on in."

A third man arrives looking just awful.

St. Peter: "My goodness, what an awful day! What ever happened to you?"

Third man: "Well, I was having a nooner with a married woman and her husband came home so I hid in this refrigerator........"

From Miss Wendy to her readers:

So now we know the name of Elliot Spitzer's paid paramour, Ashley Alexandra Dupre (see MSNBC.com). But what I want to know is if anyone has asked Judith Regan just when we will have Ashley's tell-all memoir?

Dear Miss Wendy,

Just what is going on with our governors and these sex scandals? First there was New Jersey's Governor Mcgreevey carrying on with the hot Israeli military aide and now New York's Governor Elliot Spitzer is trysting with high class call girls.

Sincerely,

Politico

Dear Politico,

Maybe they became addicted to the adrenaline rush of a political campaign. Once they were elected, the roller coaster ride is over but they still need their fix, so they start getting their highs by indulging in "risky" sexual behavior. And after all those two are/were merely governors, it's not like they can start a war.

From Miss Wendy to her Readers: In lieu of love advice or comments on popular culture, I offer two really silly blonde "Duh" jokes that my brother told me last night (we are both blondes, so we have the right to tell them).

1. Two blondes are sitting on a deck in Georgia, admiring the night sky.

First Blonde: "Which do you think is closer, Florida or the moon?"

Second Blonde: "Well, DUH! Can you SEE Florida from here?"

2. A blonde accidentally set her kitchen stove on fire. She hysterically calls the fire department and insists that they come over immediately.

Fire Department: "Would you please calm down and tell us how to get there?"

Blonde: "In your big red fire truck! DUH!"

Happy Monday!

Dear Miss Wendy,

I wrote you asking how I could meet someone and you said the Road Runners club. Well, I hate to run and I hate talking to runners - they are all obsessed and have an other-worldly look about them. Do you have any other suggestions?

Lonely from Norman

Dear Lonely,

Well I have said it before and I will say it again: The best way to meet someone nice in New York (or anywhere) is to do the kind of volunteer work where you get your hands dirty. If you are nicely dressed and handing out name tags at some formal charity event, you will meet no one. (It's New York. If you dawdle, you will be arrested by the line police and thrown in the "pokey.") But if you are building houses for an organization like Habitat for Humanity, you will get to know everyone else who is working with your crew. There is nothing like saying, "Please pass the claw hammer," to break the ice.

Here is information for the New York Habitat affiliate:

New York, New York:
New York City, HFH
111 John St
New York, NY 10038-3101

Phone: (212) 991-4000
Fax: (212) 991-3990
Web site | Email

Dear Miss Wendy,

I moved here nine months ago just after I graduated from the University of Oklahoma. I am having a hard time meeting someone special. I have tried your other suggestions - sports bars, volunteer work - and so far nothing.

Sincerely,

Lonely from Norman

Dear Lonely,

Well since all else seems to have failed, try joining the New York Road Runners. In addition to races, they sponsor classes, clinics and parties. And if you don't meet someone through the Road Runners, at least you will be in better shape to catch a civilian.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I was searching for the opening date for the film The Bank Job (it opens on Friday, March 7, 2008) on Fandango.com. The Bank Job tells the story of a notorious bank robbery complete with guns and explosives. But in a hysterically funny message from our brave new Google-ad-populated-world, the page was covered with bank teller job ads. Nothing for coffins, however.

Check our film section late tonight (March 6, 2008) for a review of The Bank Job and Celebrities Out and About in New York City for photos of the star- studded screening.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a heart warming story on MSNBC.com. It seems that American Idol contestant David Hernandez formerly worked as a male stripper at a club with a predominently male clientele. And American Idol has decide to not disqualify him from the competetion. What a relief! I was so worried.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am graduating from college this spring and will be moving to New York to intern with an ad agency. I will have almost no money to spend on rent. Where should I live?

Sincerely,

Ohio U

Dear Ohio,

If there is anyway you can swing it, you should live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (with several roomates so you can afford the rent, unfortunately). Brooklyn is where all the young hipsters live. And even though it will cost you plenty, the social pressure and money pressure will be a lot less than living anywhere in Manhattan. And no one will ask you if you are going to buy into a share in the Hamptons this summer or be shocked that you shop at Ikea.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I have to move from one apartment to another this month. Is there any advice you can give me?

Sincerely,

Dreading the Dreadful

Dear Dreadful,

No. Moving is the ultimate obscenity. No one can be happy when life messes with their stuff. I have always thought that moving would be a creative sentence for those who are convicted of white collar crime. Instead of putting the Martha Stewarts of the world in prison, they could be sentenced to take everything out of their homes and put it on the front lawn (or sidewalk) and then pick it up and move it back in. The number of times they would have to do that, would depend on the severity of the crime. It would take only one move to get my attention and reform me from my life of petty crime. Whatever I had done, I would never do it again.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I just met someone special and have invited him home for dinner for the first time. What should I do (besides not burning dinner) to make the evening special?

Sincerely,

Finally Dating

Dear Dating,

Burn candles (it will cut down on the amount of time you have to spend cleaning). Use a bunch of unscented ones and add one expensive scented candle like those made by Karen Klein. But blow out the scented one just as he arrives. Fragrance is one of those few areas in life where too much is actually too much.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: As I am sure you know by now, every Starbucks in the United States closed for three hours Tuesday, Feb 26, 2008. Well, this event did not warrant flying the flag at half mast, but our hospitals will certainly need to prepare for a spike in the birth rate nine months from now.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do you have any out-of-the-way suggestions for meeting someone in New York?

Sincerely,

Lovelorn

Dear Lorn,

Here is one for which I have to credit my son - the laundromat: You can't leave because someone will steal your clothes. You can't be bitchy because you are stuck with the same people for two hours. And no one is wearing any underwear.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a bizarre commercial from my I've-been-stuck-at-home-with-what-is-going-on-and-forced-to-watch-Law-and-Order-and-commericials collection: Flomax, a treatment for male urinary dysfunction, which advertises that potential side effects include decreased semen and a runny nose.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I can't leave New York to get away from this weather. What is your next best suggestion?

Sincerely,

Depressed in Astoria

Dear Astoria,

Here are a few fun things to do:

1. Have brunch at the Paris Commune in the West Village. It is the next best thing to leaving town.

2. Visit the 7th Floor of Bergdorf Goodman and check out the home decor. Even if you apartment is so tiny (or you are so broke) that you cannot purchase another thing, it is nice to know that such things exist.

3. Visit the MoMA Store (you can enter without paying the museum entrance fee). It is filled with innovative but practical items that will brighten up even the drabbest New York apartment. They even have fun items for washing dishes in dishwasher-less apartments.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I have been stuck at home with a bad case of what's-going-around and have (as always) retreated to watch Law & Order reruns and the accompanying annoying commercials.

What's up with eHarmony? All the couples in their ads are so ordinary (if Christian only) looking. They look just like the cousins and their husbands at the family reunion. If a person is going to go to the trouble (and pay the fee) to join an online dating service, shouldn't there be some fantasy involved? After all, if you wanted to meet someone who looked like one of the happily matched couples in their ads, you could just go to the mall.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: When Britney Spears made her first trip to the psych ward, I made a decision to quit covering her story. My theory is that I would be hypocritical even complaining about how the paparazzi (and her mooching ex husband and his gold-digging lawyer [500,000 in fees so far not from Mr. Fedderline but passed on to Ms. Spears]) have contributed to her breakdown if I too was part of the gossip game.

But now I have a related story I will cover: Two TMZ.com photographers have been arrested for "blocking the sidewalk." See story and related photo on Holymoly.com. And this quote from TMZ.com: "One TMZ photog says he had just stepped off the sidewalk when he was cuffed and thrown into the back of a squad car for an hour. Another TMZ photog was hauled off to jail for 6 hours."

So now that these two of TMZ's own photographers have managed to become mini-jail-bird celebrities, I would like to ask TMZ.com to give them their full-press mean-girls-in-the-eight-grade coverage and ask:

1. Did either of these two photographers pick their nose before they were arrested? [Afterwards, they could only scratch their butts becuase their hands were handcuffed behind their backs.] Photos please.

2. Or either of the photographers' mothers fat or do their mother's look old in photographs? Or even better yet, are the photographers themselves fat or out of shape? More photos please, but be sure to make some crack about them being FAT.

3. Better yet, are there any photos of the photographers' crack hanging out of the back of their pants as they were pushed into the police car? If the photographers who were arrested are female, did you get a chance to stick your camera up her skirt as she was put in the police car? Photos! Photos! Photos!

4. Were the photographers able to make their own bail? Or are they broke? Do any of them have any outstanding parking violations, etc. that we should know about?

5. Do either of them have children? Do you have any photos of the children crying about their parent's arrest and perhaps the arrested papparazzi's children's addresses? Are the arrested photographers current on any child support payments?

Pretty mean, huh?

And yes, www.newyorkcool.com publishes loads of celebrity photos, but the difference is we ask. And if the celebrity says no, we don't take the shot.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I wrote you yesterday asking what I can do about this lousy New York weather and just how I can keep from feeling depressed. You said to leave town. Well, I am too depressed to figure out where to go.

Sincerely,

Depressed in Astoria

Dear Astoria,

Okay. So fly to Austin, Texas. Jetblue (I know, I know) flies there directly from JKF and Continental has direct flights from Newark. Check into the Driskell Hotel, downtown on Sixth Street. Be sure to rent a car because there are loads of bars and venues showcasing the Austin music scene that you won't want to miss. There are also a lot of venues on Sixth Street within walking distance of the hotel.

If you have more time (and money) then drive to San Antonio and check into the historic Menger Hotel. It is right across the street from the entrance to the Riverwalk and the Riverwalk Mall with shopping, restaurants, bars, movie theaters and the historic river. It does not actually overlook the river, but it also does not overlook a bunch of drunk falling into the river at 3AM. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

And the weather will be beautiful in both places. Not too hot and hot too cold. It's sweat shirt at night weather.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to keep from being depressed by this awful New York weather?

Sincerely,

Depressed in Astoria

Dear Astoria,

Leave town. Quickly.

Oh and buy some clothes before you leave. You will feel much better.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/January/ask.html