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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Click here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column

Kim Cattrall
© Robin Wong / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I would like to present my very first (this may happen again) You Got It Going Girl Award to Miss Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City fame. According to IMDB.com and Wikepedia, Miss Cattrall was born on August 21, 1956 which means that she has passed the great 50. And to utilize the Saturday Night Live catch phrase (which may have been quoting Truman Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's), "She looks marvelous, darling, simply marvelous."
So here's to you Miss Cattrall, You Got it Going Girl.

(Read Frank J. Avella's review of the Sex and the City Movie.

M.A.C. Spokesperson Dita Von Teese
© Wild1 / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a quick make-up tip. I visited the M.A.C. make-up store today at 148 Columbus Avenue, New York, NY 10023 (212) 769-0725. I was with a friend who needed a new eyebrow pencil, but we both made a totally cool discovery. We were there about 5:30 and since the store opens to the sidewalk, it is bathed in wonderful natural light so we were able to see the make up on our faces just like it would look outside on the street, not like it would look under the flourescent lights of a department stores. It was a major AHA moment for both my friend and myself as in, "Well, why did we not think of this before? Huh? Huh?" We were assisted in our "AHA" make-up moment by a marvelous make up artist, Mary Cadmus, who just happens to be the resident trainer for a group of M.A.C. stores.

And if you are reading this and thiking, "Hey, Miss Wendy, men read your colunn too and just what does this have to do with them? Huh? Huh?" Well, I am sure Mary and her crew will be only too happy to assist New York's metrosexual men in their search for the perfect foundation and eyebrow pencil.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is an interesting article in CNN.com about how city dwellers use less carbon. Hmmm? I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that most New Yorkers live in apartments the size of a Midwest
walk-in-closet. We also have 1950's wiring, so we get to decide which activity we want to indulge in, sitting in front of the air conditioner OR using the computer. And since parking a car is impossibility, we walk to busses and subways and carry our groceries and cleaning home. And if the rest of the country wants to know how they will be living twenty years from now, they can just come for a visit. But stingy carbons or not, we do love New York.

Model at the Mercedes Benz Fall 2008
Phillip Lim Show
Photo Credit Cindy Ord

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a kudo to the Japanese women who brighten New York with their superb fashion sense. Every time I see one, she is dressed in something unique, modern and fashion forward. And they look great anyway because they have naturally straight hair and don't have to worry about the New York summer frizz.

I wonder if there is some kind of style test that Japanese women have to pass before being granted a travel visa to come to the United States. Perhaps they undergo something similar to the clothing checks conducted by establishments like Union Square's Coffee Shop restaurant or the Ralph Lauren Store. All the employees of these establishments must bring in all the clothes they plan to wear and have their outfits pre-approved.

Oh well, just wondering. Here's to Japan!

Dear Miss Wendy,

Summer has here and with summer came New York's wretched humidity. Does Miss Wendy have any solution for frizzy hair?

Sincerely,

Channeling Betty Friedan

Dear Betty,

A baseball cap. Wear it until mid September.

Ali Lohan, Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Dina Lohan's show, Living Lohan, debuts on the E Network tonight at 10:30PM. This is the show where Dina shows the world that she can do for her younger (fourteen-year-old) daughter Ali, just what she did for her older daughter, Lindsay. And this is also the show about which Dina's former husband, Michael, is in such a snit because HE ("Just wait till I get custody") wanted to be the one to have the reality show and be famous. It would be nice to say I won't watch, but I know I will. After all, I watched The Real Housewives of New York City.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I was truly offended when you told the supposed covens of the Lower East Side to quit ingesting toad venom. First, all the LES covens (Wican or not) have been forced to leave the neighborhood because of the sky high rents plus I have never met a Wican who would ingest toad venom in the first place. Wicans can read and it’s called toad VENOM!!!

Sincerely,

The Last of the Counterculture

Dear Counter,

Oh, very well - Okay! Okay!

But I do think that people benefit if they live their lives with some thought to the idea of - If I should die doing this, just what will people say "happened to me" at my funeral? After all, you don't want people sniggering at you when you are in no condition to get up and slap them.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: According to MSNBC.com, people should no longer use toad venom as an aphrodisiac because it is poisonous (that's why the toads named it venom in the first place). So, would everyone please march into their bathroom, go through their medicine cabinet and toss their supply. And yes, I am talking to you, the residents/covens on the Lower East Side: you are not just Wicans, you are also just plain wierd. And for heaven's sake, please don't make the New York City Health Department, MSNBC.com or me waste anymore of our precious time on such a bizarre public service announcement.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Isn't Project Runway winner Christian Siriano the coolest kid in school?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Christian Siriano
Photo Credit Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Dear Tilly,

He most certainly is. In one quick explosion Christian has moved to the top of the fashion icon swag heap. He has quickly joined Isaac Mizrahi, Stella McCartney, Karl Lagerfeld and Alexander McQueen in the constellation of fashion rock stars who as smokin' as their designs. And since Christian is only twelve years old, there should be lots more to come from this enfant célèbre.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: New York Cool photographer Amy Davidson sent me this joke. We are both Southerners, so we can get away with this sh*t:

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is another whacky photo from across the pond. Director Vicky Jewson staged a Lady Godiva-Style Naked Charity Horse Ride in London's Hyde Park on May 19, 2008 to celebrate the DVD release of her new film, Lady Godiva.

Well, this certainly redefines bare-back riding.

Lady Godiva-Style Naked Charity Horse Ride
© Solarpix / PR Photos

Dear Miss Wendy,

Spring is finally here and I have pulled out all my sandals and started getting weekly pedicures. But every year when I first start wearing my sandals, I worry that the local foot fetishists will stalk my feet. Am I being reasonable?

Sincerely,

Mootsie Tootsies

Dear Tootsie,

Actually not. A New York woman running down the street in her sandals will simply remind a foot fetishist to go practice his fetish the same way a Victoria's Secret bill board reminds a man to..... True foot fetishists: (1) hang out in shoe stores (check out the excessively-polite, nattilly-attired gentlemen skulking about Bergdorf Goodman's Fifth Floor Shoe Salon); (2) sit at the bar at strip clubs (for an up-close-and-personal-look at the stripper's feet); (3) practice yoga.

P. S. If you are into the shoes themselves, as opposed to the feet inside the shoes, log onto missmeghan.com and read about all the shoe orgasms that are being sparked by Friday, May 22, 2008 debut of the Sex And the City movie.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: My dear sister Eugenia Riley (the romance novelist) has just emailed me from Houston, Texas to say that:

" On Tuesday night, 5-13-8, we had the distinct pleasure of listening to the Jubilee Banjo Band and "All Stars" Youth Banjo Band at Lone Star College here in Cypress, Texas. The event was sponsored by the Academy for Life-long Learning, and there were many silver heads in attendance.

The live banjo music was spectacular, as were the hosting and directing skills of band leader Buddy Griffin. Buddy kept us entertained all evening with his humorous anecdotes. Here is one of his funniest (I am paraphrasing here).

Buddy related that he has worked as both a youth minister and a seniors minister. He related to the seniors in the audience that they are far better to work with for four reasons:

1. You're never late.
2. You don't have any parents.
3. You don't get pregnant.
4. You're supposed to be on drugs."

Dear Miss Wendy,

I have been reading your Fashion Week Articles and in some of them, you "spank" the PR Companies for their bad behavior (see G Star Raw). Most of the time you are very nice, but then - out comes the wooden spoon. Aren't you afraid they will think you are rude too?

Sincerely,

Fashion Slut

Dear Slut,

Not at all; I never worry that rude PR people will think I am rude. I mean, how ever would they know? They certainly cannot be expected to recognize rude behavior all by themselves and who is going to tell them? I doubt very seriously that the other teenagers in their gang are being raised in homes where manners are taught.

P. S. The vast majority of PR people (even the fashion ones) have exquisite manners. They are also smart enough to know better than to piss off the journalists who are about to write about their clients.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am new to New York and I am overwhelmed by the many new and wonderful sights. But every day I see something that I know nothing about. Do you know anything about the lives of Ultra Orthodox Jews?

Just Curious

Dear Curious,

No, and I am curious too. I see the the Chabad Lubacitchers driving down Fifth Avenue in a long caravan of motor homes (called Mitzvah Vans) and I always wonder where they are going.

Kopporet Ceremony
Photo Credit Angelo Rivera

Occasionally New York Cool gets a small glimpse of the Orthodox world; one of our photographers, Angelo Rivera attended a Kopporet Ceremony (see photo above).

Simchat Torah
Photo Credit Mary Blanco

And another New York Cool photographer, Mary Blanco, covered a Simchat Torah Celebration on a street in the East Village.

But for a peek into the lives of the Orthodox in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, rent a copy of Sidney Lumet's A Stranger Among Us (the DVD is available on Netflix.com). NOW, you will simply have to tune out Melanie Griffith's baby doll voice (she is supposed to be a COP, for God's sake) and do your best to ignore her horrid brown wig and, well, I guess you have to ignore the contrived plot, too. But the film's scenes set in the Ultra Orthodox world give a rare and beautiful glimpse into a secret society.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I disagree with your advice to the lady who was "stressed out." You told her to go to Takashimaya. Well, shopping is only a quick fix. If you really wanted to help her, you should have told her to take a hot yoga class at the Bikram Studio in Soho.

Sincerely,

Yogi Prince

Dear Prince,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yoga does reduce stress but when you are really stressed, you will only be irritated about how hot it is (105!) in that class and get distracted by what everyone else is wearing and just where did they buy those floral covers for their mats anyway? Shopping always works.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I live in New York and I am totally stressed out. Even my commute is horrifying; everyday I have to dodge the kamikaze commuters running across The
Great Hall at Grand Central Station, talking on their cell phones and whacking passers-by with their roller-bags. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Frazzled

Dear Frazzled,

Jennifer Seass , Candle Designer Christopher Ong and Choreographer Juan Borona
At Takashimaya
Photo Credit Edward Lepoulin

Visit Japanese department store Takashimaya at 693 Fifth Avenue at 56th Street. You don't have to spend a lot of money; simply stop by The Tea Box Restaurant (afternoon tea everyday from 3:00 PM - 5:30 PM) and then buy some speciality soap or one of Christopher Ong's candles. And from then on, everytime you feel stressed, use the memory.

Sincerely

Dear Miss Wendy,

President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married this weekend. What do you think about that?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Well, I am normally opposed to Republicans breeding as a matter of public policy. It is much better for everyone concerned for Republicans to occupy their time stimulating the economy and not diddle away their time stimulating each other.

But Miss Bush appears to be a particularly appealing and compassionate young Republican:

* She teaches school at an inner-city school in Washington
* She wrote a book, Ana's Story, about an HIV infected teenager who becomes pregnant
* She graduated from the University of Texas in Austin, a great school but one without a particularly elite student body
* And hey, she got arrested for underage drinking as a freshman (pretty much a rite of passage for UT students) and completed her community service and alcohol awareness classes like a trooper.

All in all, this is one well-rounded young lady.

So here's to you Jenna Bush and that guy you married: Mazel Tov!

Ali Lohan, Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Today is Mother's Day and here is an enjoyable tidbit. There is an unintentionally hysterical article on MSNBC.com about how Michael Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's father, is bashing Dina Lohan, Lindsay's mother and Michael's former wife, for being named one of the “Top 20 Long Island Mothers of Celebrities.”

This is funny on so many levels: Michael Lohan living his life loud in the tabloids by piggy-backing on his daughter's fame and then trashing his former wife for doing exactly the same thing; some yahoo coming up with an award ceremony for a dubious honor such as the "Top 20 Long Island Mothers of Celebrities;” and Dina Lohan taking out the time from her tabloid-chasing life to attend and receive such an award. But I do understand why Michael Lohan is having a jealous fit; after all, he is one of the biggest mothers of all and if anyone should be honored on Mother's Day, it should definitely be him.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I just saw an incredible film on DVD, Julian Jarrod's Kinky Boots. It is the story of an about-to-fail factory in the heartland of England that reinvents itself as a manufacturer of transgender boots. But where do real (non-movie) transvestites buy their shoes?

Julian Jarrod's Kinky Boots

Sincerely,

Just Wondering

Dear Wonder,

If you are in New York and want to take you inner trannie out for a run, you can just wonder down Bleeker Street West of Seventh Avenue. If not, log onto www.cross-dress.com. But just look at the shoes, not the supplements for heaven's sake, those things are totally untested and your new boobs could grow out your back.

P. S. In a one-hundred-and-eighty degree change of direction, Julian Jarrod also directed Becoming Jane, the story of Jane Austen's imagined youth. Here is a link to my interview with the Cast and Creative Team of Becoming Jane. Becoming Jane is also out on DVD.

Dear Miss Wendy,

What is the sexiest Manhattan neighborhood?

Sincerely,

Just Wondering

Dear Wonder,

The one you live in when you are young.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Feast your eyes on this photograph of Peaches Geldof (daughter of Bob Geldof and the late Paula Yates) and iconic clothing designer Vivienne Westwood. Geldoff and Westwood are attending a reading of Vivienne Westwood's Manifesto as part of "Design Icons" at The Design Museum in London on May 2, 2008. So now you know what to wear if you visit London in the spring. And as always, the devil is in the details. Hint: They did not buy their clothes at the Gap.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Please help the citizens of Myanmar (formerly Burma) who were devastated by a Cyclone Nargis, a deadly storm that made landfall on May 2, 2008. According to MSNBC.com, ten thousand were killed in one town alone and the death toll has reached 15,000. Log onto Red Cross.org to contribute.

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am an eighty-year-old-grandmother in a wheelchair and I am flying to Florida next month. I really resent the way the screeners in the airport insist on treating me like some kind of terrorist. I know what they are thinking - that I am so addlepated that I would allow some strangers to hand me a package of explosives or I wouldn’t notice when some Al Queda operative slipped a bomb in my carrying-on. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with these morons?

Sincerely,

Boca Bound

Dear Boca,

Miss Wendy knows how you feel. When I am being given the once over at the airport I always think that when the day comes that people who look like me start blowing up planes, we might as well hang it up. But if you have a sense of humor and a few bucks to spend, why don't you just buy a huge box of condoms and some really obnoxious sex toys and let them find THAT!!! Just throw their silly stereotypes right back in their faces!

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a quick tip for doing good while you are having fun: Go to New Orleans. Read this article on MSNBC.com about all the Festivals taking place in New Orleans this month and next. There is one caveat, according to the article, "The pungent morning-after aroma of Bourbon Street has vanished. Since January 2007, local entrepreneur Sidney Torres, president of SDT Waste and Debris, has been handling trash removal and street cleaning in the French Quarter. His smartly dressed crew employs cutting-edge cleaning methods so that Sunday strollers inhale scents of lemon and eucalyptus instead of party swill. Day and night, workers tidy the streets even when the trucks aren’t rolling."

Oh well, as the Rolling Stones sang, "You can't always get what you want," and you should still have a lot of fun as a "New Orleans Partner in Recovery."

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/January/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2007/June/ask.html