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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Click here for the New York Cool April Edition!

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

From Miss Wendy to her readers: In the spirit of no good deed going unpunished, a man in Malawi has identified himself as little Mercy's father (Mercy is the four year old orphan Madonna is trying to adopt). Even thought this fine man has never met his daughter, he has declared that he will support her and raise her in Malawan culture (see People.com). Basically this man is saying that even though Mercy won the lottery, she should not accept because it would not be good for her. If this Johnny-Come-Lately does manage to jettison the adoption, he can be pretty sure that the future Mercy will have no mercy for her supposed father.

Sasha Grey in Steven Soderberg's The Girlfriend Experience

And the beat goes on: Director Steven Soderberg has a new film, The Girlfriend Experience, which is presently playing atthe 2009 Tribeca Film Festival. Girlfriend is one of Soderberg's "small' films, in the same grouping as last year's Bubble. Girlfriend is getting a lot of buzz in our Spitzerized world because of Soderberg's decision to cast a real porn star, Sasha Grey, as his call girl lead. So if you are a "I read Playboy for the articles" voyeur, here is a chance to check out a hot young porn star in a "respectable" setting. Click here for Soderberg and Grey at Tribeca Talks.

Hugh Jackman
PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Miss Wendy saw this photo of Hugh Jackman arriving to the premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine in Tempe, Arizona on April 27, 2009 and I could not help smiling. Any day you can see a photo of Hugh Jackman is a good day and a day when you see Hugh Jackman on a huge motorbike is an even better day. Miss Wendy does not normally watch films about mutants, but she is going to make an exception to her silly rule and watch Wolverine. X-Men Origins: Wolverine opens Friday May 1, 2009.

The Beat Goes On: According to an article on MSNBC.com, the voters in a small hamlet in Switzerland have voted to outlaw nude hiking. Violators will be fined the equivalent of $176.00. So if your idea of a fun vacation is to stomp up and down the mountains and valleys of Switzerland au natural, you will simply have to cut that s**t out. Unless of course, your idea of a fun vacation is some fantasy about interacting with the local constabulary while you are both buffed and in the buff.

But this is not Miss Wendy's first rodeo and she highly suspects that the people who are hiking-in-the-nude-in-Switzerland are not the kind of people you would want to see hiking-in-the-nude-in-Switzerland. And Miss Wendy suspects that this lack of comeliness is most likely the reason the upstanding citizens of Switzerland decided to change their laws in the first place.

Hot Tip: There is an article in the New York Times about how Cafe Bustelo, the cheap Cuban espresso stacked in all New York bodegas, is attempting to brand itself by sponsoring events like Coachella. Well....if you follow this espresso recipe from Miss Wendy's good friend Miss Brooke Touchstone, you will realize that Cafe Bustelo really does not need to try that hard.

Recipe: Pour a can of Bustelo into a large Sun Tea jar. Fill with water and let sit overnight. The next day, pour the coffee from the jar into another container, straining out the grounds by using cheese cloth and a huge tight rubber band. Store in the refrigerator. This will be the best espresso you have ever tasted cold or heated; it literally tastes like liquid chocolate.

Jeffrey and Liz Peek
Photographed by Scott Rudd

The beat goes on: There is minor brouhaha in the world of New York Society. Some woman wrote an anonymous column for Portfolio Magazine about the difficulties of being married to the CEO of an institution that has taken TARP money i.e. the perils and pleasures of being a TARP wife. This article was filled with laments about having purchases delivered from Bergdorfs rather than take the risk being photographed leaving the store with Bergdorf bags. And how difficult it is to have to sneak into society benefits late, after the photographers have left. All New York magazines (the Post got there first) quickly and gleefully unmasked the writer as Liz Peek, the wife of CIT CEO Jeffrey Peek (see New York Magazine for one such spanking).

Well Miss Wendy has two things to say about that:

First, no matter how cute and nice your husband is (see New York Cool's coverage of a Valentine's Day party at the Peek's), it isn't easy being Nancy Reagan. So bravo to Mrs. Peek (if she actually was the writer) for (in the words of Bruce Spingsteen), "getting a little something for herself" by writing. (The non-anonymous Liz Peek is actually a writer for the New York Sun.)

Second, if we are every going to get out of this depression, someone has to go to Bergdorfs and spend some money. Bergdorf's sales clerks, delivery people, designers, seamstresses etc. etc. all need money to pay their bills and feed their children.

This mishegas reminds me of something that happened a few days after 9/11. I was sitting alone in my apartment in New York talking to my aunt in Texas. I told her that I felt horribly guilty because I was unable to help. I also said, "The only thing I need to do right now is get my nails done, but I can't do that after what just happened." And my aunt told me, "Oh honey, you have to get your nails done. If you don't it will be the ruination of us all. That lady needs her money."

So if you have two dimes left to rub together, please go to Bergdorf Goodman and help the nation spend its way out of this depression. It's the patriotic thing to do.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: The FDA has decided that seventeen-year-olds can buy the morning after pill without parental permission or a doctor's prescription. This has upset the religious right who argue that just being able to buy the morning after pill will encourage teenagers to have sex.

Say what? If teenagers are encouraged to have sex by the availability of contraceptives, why isn't the availability of contraceptives also encouraging teenagers to use the durn things and thus negate the need for a morning after pill?

In Miss Wendy's humble opinion, any teenager should be able to obtain the morning after pill quickly and certainly not for the present cost of $30-60. The morning after pill only works during the first 72 hours after unprotected sex so all women need to be able to get the pills quickly without having to locate $60 and a friend who has a driver's license showing she is seventeen who is not too embarrassed to walk into a pharmacy and buy the pill.

So there.

Susan Boyle
Photo Courtesy of Britain's Got Talent

Here is one of Miss Wendy's You Go It Going Girl Awards to Britain's Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle. This forty-eight year old talented singer has fascinated the world because she is an amazing singer and well....she is frumpy. But her singing isn't at all frumpy and in this day of "I heard it in my Ipod," why anyone would care about a singer's frumpiness puzzles me. If you want to be turned on while you listen to music, there is always porn (try Show Girls with the sound turned off and Boyle turned on).

Goddesses walk the earth in many different forms.

Lady Gaga Performing in Milan
PR Photos

Here is another one of Miss Wendy's You Got It Going Girl Awards to glam pop rocker Lady Ga Ga (aka Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta). GaGa/Stefani was born in Yonkers, New York. And like another Italian bottle blonde, Madonna, she has totally invented herself and in the process levitated from Yonkers to super stardom. ladygaga.com & myspace.com/ladygaga

Hey, supernovas are fun to watch.

Drew Barrymore in HBO's Grey Gardens

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I just saw HBO's Grey Gardens, the story of Little Edie and Big Edie Beale and the beautiful East Hampton home, Grey Gardens, that they allowed to rot around their heads. The film is a wonderful depiction of an elegant era in American life and also a cautionary tale about what can happen if a person does absolutely nothing to deal with life on life's terms. The Beales were marvelous eccentrics; they had no career training or common sense, they only existed to entertain while someone else cared for them. And when there was no one and no money, their world and their house fell apart. Everyone should watch Grey Gardens because it is a great film. But there is another reason to watch the show: if you have ever wondered just what would happen if you did not do your housework, you will now know.

And the beat goes on: All-hat-no-head Texas Governor Rick Perry has just made a very thinly veiled suggestion that if the United States continues the bank bail out with the inevitable taxes, Texas just might secede from the Union (see CNN.com).

Perry attended a tea-party (an anti-tax rally inspired by the original Boston tea party) where (quoted from CNN.com) "while crowds yelled "Secede! Secede!," Perry — 60 but telegenic and youthful — thought out loud that secession might be the outcome if Washington does not mend its "oppressive" high-spending, dictatorial ways."

Now Miss Wendy (like Queen Elizabeth, I enjoy speaking about myself in the third person) left Texas just before Texas passed a law permitting concealed hand guns. But this nonsensical idea of seceding tops drunks-with-pistols any day. If Texas isolates itself and becomes a country populated only by Texans, life in the Lone Star State would become a virtual 24/7 360-day-a-year family reunion with the resulting inbreeding creating even more ex-President George Bushes or even more Governor Rick Perrys.

If Texas had only upped its education system and encouraged the study of history, Perry might recall that the United States government bailed out everyone one of Texas' banks when they ALL failed in the 80's and then turned right around and bailed out the savings and loans (many of whom were located in Texas) at a cost of over 124 billion.

But Miss Wendy does love her hypocrites, without them she would not have a column.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: I received this chain email this morning and although I rarely pass these on, this one is incredibly funny:

Seminar - How to Be a Man

Registration must be completed by Friday, April 24, 2009

Note: Due to the complexity and difficult of their contents, class sizes will be limited to a maximum of eight participants.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting
The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby
Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right
Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're
Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

P. S. You can't enroll your guy-around-he-house. Even though these courses sound wonderful and much needed, the email was a spoof.

P. P. S. I don't know the name of the author of this email or I would attribute, but whoever wrote this email is a very talented comedy writer.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: If you still have money, please resume your spending. We are being ankle-weighted into this recession by our collective money hoarding. Read this article on MSNBC.com about how even the wealthy have quite spending and this one about how even rappers are test driving cubic zirconas (MSNBC.com).

So if you name is 50 Cent or Ivanka Trump, please hit the malls of Vegas and if you are the local doctor's wife, please replace last year's frock, you look tacky and your money needs to leave your purse and resume greasing the economy.

Because if we are ever to get out of this recession, the wheels on our money car must go round and round.

And the beat goes on: New York Governor David Patterson is going to introduce a bill legalizing gay marriage. Years from now when this battle for gay civil rights is finally over, our children and grandchildren will look back and wonder, "Just what was the big deal?"

They will have grown up seeing married gay neighbors and have realized that they are no more interesting than any other family and wonder what the upset was all about? But public opinion always lags when it comes to change - remember the miscegenation laws and all the people who insisted that interracial marriage would be bad for the children. Well, is any of those worry warts are still alive, they need to visit Los Angeles.

I am reminded of an old joke.

A golfer walks into the club house looking just awful. One of his friends rushes up to him and say, "Good lord, man - what happened?"

The mussed up golfer replies: "My wife Martha had a heart attack and died just as we arrived at the ninth hole."

His friend replies: "That is horrible."

And the mussed up golfer replies: "It sure was. The rest of the round, it was hit the ball, drag Martha, hit the ball, drag Martha."

And the beat goes on again: Here is some craziness out of La La Land. Ambulance- chasing lawyer Jon J. Eardley wants Britney Spears to appear in court and state that she really did want her conservator father to get a restraining order against him (see MSNBC.com). What does he think is going to happen? Does he expect Britney to appear in court and say, "Oh Mr. Eardley, oh where oh where have you been?" Any thinking person would realize that if Miss Spears wanted to see Mr. Eardley, all she would have to do is announce it the next time she is in public and let the paparazzi tell him.

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian
David Gabber / PR Photos

Here is one of Miss Wendy's You-Got-It-Going-Girls Award to the Kardashians. Never before (well, maybe Miss Paris Hilton) has anyone been able turn doing absolutely nothing into such fame; these girls are branding geniuses. If these ladies were not so exhausted from going out every night, they could be of great help to General Motors.

Happy Easter to All!

And here is a story to warm your heart - the Obama girls finally have their new puppy (Washington Post), a Portuguese Water dog named Bo. Bo was a present from Senator Edward M. Kennedy and his wife, Victoria. The Kennedys, who have three Portuguese Water dogs, both found Bo (he had been with another family) and had him trained.

Everyone, including Miss Wendy, is giddy with relief. The suspense has been unrelenting.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Tomorrow is Easter and yesterday you featured some photos suggestions about how women should dress for the Easter Parade. Well, how about men? Aren't men going to march up Fifth Avenue too?

Sincerely,

Fashionista Fred

Dear Fred,

Very well. Nothing says Easter more than the fashions of Custo Barcelona. So why don't you be phantasmagoric and emulate one of these psychedelic bunny looks from Custo's Spring 2009 Show. (Click here for more spring looks from the show.)


Custo Barcelona Fashion Photo Credit Cindy Ord	Custo Barcelona Fashion Photo Credit Cindy Ord

Custo Barcelona Fashion Photo Credit Cindy Ord	Custo Barcelona Fashion Photo Credit Cindy Ord

Easter Parade Outfit from the
David and Phillippe Blond Show
September 2008
Photo Credit Belkis Carrasco

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Sunday, April 12th is Easter and New Yorker's will celebrate by parading up Fifth Avenue from Fifth Ave. and 47th Street near St. Patrick's Cathedral to Fifth to 57th Street. The parade officially starts at 10AM (10AM - 4Pm) but will really take off after noon. Everyone can participate. So create your own Easter fantasy and march baby march.

Here are some style tips from the English ladies at Royal Ascot:

Royal Ascot 2008
PR Photos

P. S. Please don't forget your white lace gloves (this note is for women marchers also).

Hot Tip: Read this article in the New York Times about laid-off workers who are studying to become DJ's.

Hey, why not? If your life burns down, rebuild it the way you always wanted it to be.

And the Beat Goes On: The Vermont legislature has over-ridden their governor's veto and legalized gay marriage (see MSNBC.com). The governor gave this reason for his veto: "What really disappoints me is that we have spent some time on an issue during which another thousand Vermonters have lost their jobs," the governor said Tuesday. "We need to turn out attention to balancing a budget without raising taxes, growing the economy, putting more people to work."

This is truly a funny and misguided statement. By legalizing gay marriage, Vermont will be increasing its tourist income, helping the wedding industry (more two groom cake toppers please), increasing home sales to gay couples who may now move to Vermont which will also increase sales at the local hardware store and/or Home Depot. There will definitely be a spike in income for therapists and divorce lawyers (you know: if you increase the number of marriages, you increase the number of problem marriages). And there will definitely be a Frette linen shop opening in Montpelier. All of these activities increase the number of jobs and grow the economy.

For another point of view out of Vermont, here is a quote from the Democratic Speaker of Vermont's House of Representatives, Shap Smith, on the House's 95-52 approval of a bill legalizing gay marriage. "People here have seen what it looks like and realized it doesn't harm anybody." (Quoted from Newsweek)

Now it is always easy to be afraid of the unknown, but as soon as gay couples get married, buy houses in the suburbs and start complaining about the crab grass, people will recognize a universal truth: All married couples are dull, boring and not to be feared.

Miss Wendy views gay marriage the same way she views the gays in the military issue. Miss Wendy doesn't want to enroll in the military or get married (you know, the fool me once etc. etc adage). So if anyone else is interested in signing up for these ordeals, please feel free to have at it.

Stevie Nicks
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Here is one of Miss Wendy's You-Got-It-Going-Girl Awards to Miss Stevie Nicks who was in NYC on March 31, 2009 promoting her two new albums - "Live in Chicago" and "The Soundstage Sessions."

Seventies' icon Stevie proves that a rocker chick can rock it like the Stones and still look damn good; she's a gal from the seventies, who is sixty but still looks forty. As Ginger Rogers said about Fred Astaire, "I did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and in high heels.”

You go girl!

Sarah Palin
PR Photos

And the beat goes on: Sarah Palin is back in the news. Hey, I don't love her politics, but I LOVE her as a subject for my column; my posts practically write themselves.

According to People.com, Palin's sister-in-law has been arrested for burglary (twice on the same house) and this burglaring sister-in-law was accompanied on her budding crime spree by her four year old daughter. Hmm! Do you think drugs might be involved in this little mishegas? Small towns, weird people and long dark winters create a great lab for incubating both meth and meth addicts. And to add insult to injury, Palin's ex-soon-to-be son-in-law, Levi Johnston, is going on the Tyra Banks show on April 6th to discuss his sex life with his ex-fiance Bristol Palin.

Now, I am sympathetic. No one who has ever attended a family reunion would ever criticize Palin for her family's unready-for-prime-time antics (or shall I say ready-for-prime-time antics). Well, maybe not; people can be incredibly hypocritical, otherwise there would be no fodder for my column.But large families are notoriously uncontrollable and no one person (even one as energetic as Governor Palin) can make everyone behave like they were acting in a Hallmark Christmas special.

But it is still so funny. Read this quote from Palin (on MSNBC.com) as she rightfully criticizes Johnston: "Bristol did not even know Levi was going on the show. We're disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship," says the statement from the Palin family rep.

"Bristol's focus will remain on raising Tripp, completing her education, and advocating abstinence," the statement continues. "It is unfortunate that Levi finds it more appealing to exploit his previous relationship with Bristol than to contribute to the well being of the child."

Promoting abstinence, you say? Every quote I have ever read from Bristol (where her mother's handlers have not managed to schuss her) has been about promoting safe sex. See this quote from an earlier MSNBC.com article about Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren's interview with Bristol: "As governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has been an advocate of abstinence-only sex education in public schools. But her daughter said that expecting teens to eschew the pleasures of the flesh is “unrealistic.”

So much folly in life would be avoided if people had only paid more attention to the morality lesson in Hansel and Genteel. When the witches of the media make you their bitch, put you in a cage and start lavishing you with praise, they are planning on eating you later on! So whenever the media starts to chase you, you should take a quick look over your shoulder to see the barbeque spit they are preparing in your honor.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at wendy@newyorkcool.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/January/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/September/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/March/ask.html