Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy
R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher
Carriages in Central Park
Photo Credit Angelo Rivera
Merry XMAS from Miss Wendy
to her loyal readers. Wherever you are for the Holidays,
remember to Ho, Ho, Ho and Beat Your Drums!
Ruminations On Our
National Fixation with the Saga of Tiger Woods:
The world has come together
at the global village square to gossip about Mr.
Woods and his bevy of undulating mistresses. And
a good time has been had by all except Woods and
his wife, Elin. Even the mistresses are having a
good time because they are to stupid to realize
that they have exposed themselves to the entire
world with the scarlet letter S (for slut) hung
round their necks.
Why do we do this?
Years ago when we
lives in villages, we were acquainted with the other
villagers and could stand in the village square
and gossip about the local sluts and a good time
would be had by all. But city dwellers are rarely
in a group when everyone else knows someone who
is not present. Our work friends do not know our
friend friends and no one knows our family. But
we all can participate in celebrity roasts: Britney
and her squad of paparazzi; Sarah and Levi; Tiger
and the dancing harlots; etc. etc.
And when our friends
tell us what they think about these tabloid stories,
we learn very little about the disgraced celebrity
(most of the stories are fiction) but we lean a
lot about our friends. Do they think the situation
is funny or are they sanctimonious and pontificate
on and on about what a bad influence all these carryings
on are "on the children?" Do they expose
themselves to be snobs when they state that they
"refuse to lower their standards to read the
tabloids." That is the real benefit of gossip
- it is a way for all of us to become better acquainted.
And it does not matter
if what we are reading in the tabloids is true.
We could just as easily be talking about what we
thought about the new DVD release - The Hangover.
And how much of what
we read in the tabloids is really true anyway. Does
anyone really believe that Elin Nordegren is going
to get on a plane to Sweden with a two year old
and a baby just so she can fly home for Christmas?
And don't chime in about how with all her money
she could afford a private jet. I have flown on
private jets and unless the private jet is named
Air Force One, they are just a little less grueling
than flying first class - the kids still scream.
Miss Wendy's Guide to Non-Passive-Aggressive
( Reprint from December 2007)
1. Do not give work-out clothing,
exercise bikes, gym memberships or Zone Diet subscriptions
to chubby people unless they specifically ask for
2. Do not give "Days of Beauty"
gift certificates to frumpy people. Do not give
one to me; I will "get" your subtext and
bitch-slap you. However, massage gift certificates
are always acceptable.
3. Do not buy clothing for anyone
unless you ask them about it first. Stick to gift
certificates. Do not ever buy anyone anything that
is a size to small so you can inspire them to lose
weight. They will get even by not attending your
funeral, an event which may occur sooner than you
4. Do not give any home decor
items to anyone anytime unless you KNOW they want
them. The holidays are not the time to sneak a few
tasteful items into your daughter-in-law's home.
5. Do not give leather-bound sets
of classic books to children who don't like to read
(stick to Harry Potter).
6. Do not give power tools to
fixes-anything-anyway. He will just leave it in
the middle of the garage floor to be run over when
you try to park his SUV.
7. Ditto on the fancy Williams
Sonoma pans for a woman who has not cooked in six
months. She may just rearrange your brains with
that Le Creuset frying pan.
holidays are fraught, so graciously buy gifts certificates
for everyone who does not specifically ask for something
and then enroll yourself in a kick boxing class
so you can work off your frustration about not getting
to remake your friends and family. (And see how
passive aggressive I am being by sending you off
to kick boxing instead of suggesting that you drown
your frustrations in a box of Godiva chocolates.)
Beat Goes On: The OJ Simpson trial and the
internet created our 24 hour news cycle. Before
the white Bronco ride, the "assumption"
was that the news "occurred" and the media
reported. But with 24 hours to fill, the world does
not create enough scandalous news to feed the cable
monsters or the TMZ's and Radaronlines. So here
come the news "producers."
This is how producers "produced" the Tiger
Woods scandal. Part I is the solicitous interview
of one of the myriad mistresses. Miss Mistress gets
the velvet glove treatment on interview day - hair
and make up and a solicitous kind interviewer. But
as soon as she is out of the studio, here comes
Chapter II - the mud slinging. Newscasters from
the same outlet review the interview stating that
the mistress is a harlot. Other media outlets criticize
the channel that conducted the original interview
for being too solicitous and then they cover the
mistress in tabloid mud. Every little thing the
"mistress" has done hits the news: receiving
a 1099 from an Escort service; cavorting with another
woman in a nightclub; sending naughty text messages.
It is hard to feel sorry for these idiot mistresses,
but their lives have been ruined. They will never
have a Chapter III. They won't be able to work as
a hostess for an upscale club again; all the big
sports figures would boycott the club fearing that
they will be the next celebrity to be exposed. They
cannot translate their skills for "looking
good and fawning over celebrities" to another
field other than prostitution and even in that field,
there will be a "she kisses and tells"
stigma. If they should go back to college and try
to get a corporate job, their internet history will
follow them and no one will hire them. And this
may be the most sexist part of my diatribe - no
decent man will marry them. No one wants their friends
to snicker when they introduce their wife.
None of what I am saying is rocket science and I
bet for every idiot "hostess with the mostest"
who has allowed herself to be interviewed and labeled
as one of Tiger's women, there is another woman
who had the brains to see the "and then what's"
and is hiding far from the cameras. These hidden
women read Hansel and Gretel as children
and know that the media witch only wants to fatten
them up so she can eat them afterwards.
Oh My Oh My: Houston, Texas has elected a
gay mayor - openly gay controller Annise Parker
York Times). As Tip O'Neill famously said, "All
politics are local" - the city is broke and
she is a good accountant. Congratulations to the
citizens of Houston for proving that there is more
to Texas than conservative Bush Republicans.
Sarah Palin must be incredibly annoyed by the carryings-on
of Tiger Woods and the Thousand Dancing Harlots
and the "I'll take the Fifth" Salahis.
Their shenanigans have bumped Palin from the first
page of the tabloids since before Thanksgiving!
Nothing Palin does gets traction - not telling the
world that it is "fair game" to ask Barack
Obama if he was born in the United States or posing
in shorts and panty hose for a magazine (not Newsweek,
however, which gleefully appropriated that photo).
What's a girl to do to get a little action? Oh the
fleetingness of tabloid fame!
Beat Goes On: Women are climbing out of the
shrubs (accompanied by lawyers) to yell "Me
Too, Me Too" hoping to cash in on the Tiger
Wood's philandering scandal. It is hard to imagine
what they think they will gain. This story has a
news cycle that will last about two more weeks and
then it will be gone. These ladies may be able to
sell an article to a tabloid, but this is a case
of "first out of the gates wins." The
other ladies will have labeled themselves as harlots
and seriously impaired their ability to ever work
at another VIP club and for what?
Tiger has dealt
some serious blows to his brand. He had a terrific
image - the beautiful wife, the adorable daughter
and his loyal mother always by his side. It worked
and now it won't. It is the oldest story in the
world, throwing away the Garden of Eden for a taste
of the forbidden fruit.
The next question is will Elin decide that she an
indispensable part of a marketing machine or will
she act like the devastated wife she is and kick
out her philandering cad.
Beat Goes On: It seems that Michaele Salahi
was not only not invited to the State Dinner, she
was also not invited to the reunion of the Washington
Redskins cheerleaders, because (and you'll love
this).... she was never a cheerleader (New
York Post). But, never mind that small detail,
our darling Michaele simply attended the reunion
anyway and performed with the squad. Now this is
one lady with balls.
If I were a member of the Washington press corp,
I would do a quick check for birth certificates
and a wedding license. We know they had a wedding
ceremony (we saw the video)...but..
on Miss Rachel Uchitel aka Tiger Woods (maybe) paramour:
All the tabloids (and the
dignified news outlets) have been all atwitter about
Miss Uchitel and Miss Uchitel has played right along,
leaking and denying the story, hiring Gloria Allred.
Miss Uchitel, by all reports, is a part of that
class of society known as "the party girls,"
the girls whose sole function in life is to hang
out in nightclubs, getting paid to both bring in
celebrities and to "party" with celebrities.
But all these party girls age every day just like
the rest of the world's population, making me wonder
- where do the see themselves in twenty years? What
is their career path? Wealthy classy men rarely
marry party girls; they are actually looking for
someone who looks both gorgeous and classy, like
Tiger's wife, Elin. So as party girls and their
crowd age, do they begin promoting events at piano
bars? Do they host events in Palm Springs? Just
where do old party girls go to die?
2009 American Music Awards -
Nokia Theater / Los Angeles, CA, USA
November 22, 2009
David Gabber / PR Photos
Miss Wendy: Here is
one of my "You Got It Going Girl" Awards
for Rihanna. Rihanna totally gets the concept of
"If you want to be in the show, put on a show."
The lady is a walking/talking billboard for her
Beat Goes On: Thanksgiving weekend has been
filled with exciting stories that have the nation's
media outlets all agaga. First, Michaele and Tareq
Salahi, Virginia publicity hounds, managed to gate
crash the White House state dinner for the prime
minister of India, having their photos taken with
the likes of Rahm Emanuel and Vice President Joe
Biden. That was the "pride" part of, "Pride
cometh before a fall." And here (also through
the media outlets) comes news of the fall: Mr. Salahi's
family firm is bankrupt; the neighbors are telling
anyone who will listen that trailers keep pulling
up to the Salahi home, supposedly with the purpose
of repossessing a variety of unpaid items; and the
Secret Service will not rule out the possibility
that there may be criminal charges - trespassing
anyone?. It seems that the Salahi free publicity
stunt will continue to play out in the courts of
our nation's capital. The Salahi's have obviously
never heard that, "People who live in glass
houses shouldn't throw stones."
Then, Tiger Woods
hit a fire hydrant and his neighbor's tree as he
drove away from his home at 2AM in the morning.
And all the media outlets want him to explain why
he was leaving his home at that hour, just as though
TMZ and Eonline were his parents. Did he have a
fight with this wife about the article in the National
Enquirer that said Woods was having an affair?
Enquiring minds simply have to know. And there is
all this breathless talk about how the police want
to talk to Woods even though "alcohol was not
a factor." Of course, the police want to talk
to him; they have to fill out an accident report.
But since no one was injured except Tiger and Tiger
is perfectly capable of reimbursing the fire department
for the fire hydrant and his neighbors for the tree,
this is one story that should go away all by itself
if Woods and his wife Elin simply refuse to speak
to the media. There will be no Chapter II unless
they write it.
Miss Wendy to Her Readers: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving
and here are two helpful recipes you can use if
any one is foolish enough to ask you to contribute
a dish for the festivities:
Miss Wendy's White
Trash Fruit Salad
1 large can of fruit
1 large bag of colored miniature marshmellows
1 large container of Cool Whip
Mix ingredients in
a bowl and enjoy
Miss Wendy's Queso
One package of Velvetta
One jar of salsa
16 ounces of half and half
Put all ingredients
into the crock pot, heat and serve with chips.
Wendy to Her Readers: The
flying season is upon us again. And just in time
to remind us of the perils of flying, there is an
article on MSNBC.com
about the Phoenix couple who was just charged with
stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the Phoenix
airport. There should be severe punishment for these
thieves who have forced over 1,000 members of the
traveling public to spend their business trip/vacation
in their coffee stained travel clothes.
It is still best to pack all your dirty underwear
in your carryon so airport security can continue
to enjoy it.
Just in time for
the traveling season, here is a reprint of a letter
from my November 2007, which is unfortunately still
Dear Miss Wendy,
It's Thanksgiving week. Does Miss
Wendy have any advice to the air traveling public?
Down Home Turkey
The airport police will
be on high alert. Not for terrorists, silly, but
for any hint of bad behavior from the flying public
who are being thoroughly mistreated by our overbooked
airlines and the under trained, underpaid airport
security guards. Airports have grown to resemble
subway tunnels with filthy restrooms and travelers
forced to sleep on the floor; the situation is become
so bad that many Jet Blue travelers plan ahead and
pack mats so they don't have to lie on the dirty
floor! So no matter how upset you become, please
stay calm so you don't become the next Larry
Craig (arrested for twitching in the men's room),
Rhys Meyers (arrested for public drunkenness
after years of sobriety) or worse yet as agitated
and depressed as Carol
Gotbaum, the lady who died while in police custody.
Save your whining for someplace safe - the visit
with your family.
Bless Sarah Palin: Former governor Palin's
shenanigans will gas up this column and keep it
rolling from now until Christmas. Palin's latest
doozy is declaring to Oprah that before Bristol
told her she was pregnant, she had no idea Bristol
was sexually active. This one really does not pass
the smell test. I grew up in a small town, but I
moved away the day after graduation. When I received
my invitation to my high school's twentieth reunion,
half the girls I graduated with were now were grandmothers.
So you figure out what happens on Prom night. There
is a reason that small towns are home to shot-gun-toting
daddies who are constantly on the prowl for just
a whiff of a fox in their daughter's hen house.
The Beat Goes
On: The news lines
are spilling the leaked story that Levi Johnson
(Sarah Palin's NOT son-in-law) has posed for Playgirl
with nothing but a hockey stick. Inquiring minds
simply must know: Just how did they place the hockey
stock? We are all atwitter.
P. S. Many kudos
to ex-Governor Palin for telling Oprah that Levi
would be welcome for Thanksgiving dinner. That was
both a publicity coup (Palin appears magnanimous)
and a marvelously evil dig.
Rumination on Pretty
Girls Looking Bad: I
have been walking the streets
of New York City, viewing the fashion-disaster-behind
screated by the new/old legging craze. Leggings
were "the thing" in the 80's, but by the
90's they had disappeared because too many thunderous
thighs were being stuffed into leggings and sausage
casings have never been fashionable. But now I am
talking about tall pretty women who should look
good in almost anything, who have created a "background"
problem for themselves by wearing their leggings
with skimpy knit dresses that stop at the top of
their thighs and cling to their bottoms, thus creating
a "rounded" image that I am sure these
women would be appalled to see in a three- way mirror.
Some are even exacerbating the problem by wearing
jackets that stop at the waist, emphasizing their
basketball-in-a-baby-blanket look. It does not matter
how thin the girl is; thin girls end up with "unfilled"
rolls of legging material bunched at the top of
their thighs. Two more inches of skirt fabric (denim,
not knit) in a skirt that flared out, not in, and
these women would look fabulous. Hey, if looking
good were easy, we would all do it.
Jon Hamm of Mad Men
Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos
Last night was the season's
final for Mad Men, one of television's
finest shows. It was brilliant, starting in the
the morass of the failing Draper marriage and ending
with the birth of a new Sterling Cooper, the return
of Joan (how does anyone manage without a Joan in
their life?) and Don beginning his new life in Manhattan
(how long before the school teacher appears?). Mad
Men is available on demand, so don't wait.
Everyone needs a little Madness.
S. Does anyone besides me think Betty is
terminally stupid to run off with the next alpha-male-with-good-hair
who becomes smitten with her cool Grace Kelly looks.
No investigation, only "you'll do" and
out the door she goes. Here's my spoiler: The Henry
Francis gig won't last; fairy tales don't exist.
Wendy to her readers: It
is starting to get cold in New York so check out
this article on Budget Travel.com titled World's
Best Affordable Hotels - We scoured the globe until
we found the 31 best new hotels for under $150.
If you can't afford to physically travel, let your
mind take a trip.
Dear Miss Wendy,
Is it possible to
purchase a sexy winter hat?
Tip: We are just about to go into the holiday
flying season so here is a "word to the wise."
There is a horrifying article on MSNBC.com
about a couple in Phoenix who were arrested for
stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the airport
carousel. Now, this problem could be easily avoided
if the airports would resume checking luggage tags
before allowing passengers to leave with "their"
luggage. Instead they advise people to go quickly
to the carousel after getting off the plane. But
this advise is meaningless to people who are traveling
with young children and have to wait to have their
gate-checked strollers brought up from the hold
or for the elderly infirm who need to wait for a
wheel chair or even for Miss Wendy who needs to
visit the ladies. Unfortunately, I have no advice
except to suggest that you give everyone gift cards
and pack your black, no-muss, rollable knit outfits
in a carry-on. But please, please, don't wear that
awful "travel dress." I might be on the
plane with you and I simply can't stand it.
P. S. If you have
a black bag and simply must check it, tie a yarn
bow on the handle. You may look a little silly while
carrying the bag, but nowhere near as silly as you
will look spending your vacation in your traveling
outfit because your bag made one more trip around
the carousel and was snatched. No one should be
forced to vacation without their fabulosity kit.
"Can It!" Charity Event to Mark the 70th
of VIPP Waste Cans
Design Within Reach in New York City
October 28, 2009
Janet Mayer / PR Photos
Beat Goes On: New York really deserves an
award for Best Drag Queens. Manhattan boasts downtown
denizens like Lady Bunny and the drag queen muses
- The Upper East Side Ladies Who Lunch. And since
I am from Texas, the home of blonde hair and pasty
pearls, I can rightfully appreciate both.
Dear Miss Wendy,
Is it possible to
purchase a a sexy-looking down coat?
New York Shivers
Betsey Johnson Store at Planet Hollywood Hotel and
Las Vegas, Nevada
October 24, 2009
PRN / PR Photos
The Beat Goes
On: Here is one of
Miss Wendy's You Got It Going Girl Awards
for Miss Betsey Johnson. Johnson is a sixty-plus
grandmother who rocks the runway, cart wheeling
down the aisle and then dancing back up while carrying
her adorable granddaughter. Johnson is a Rock Princess
who keeps on sparkling.
Beat Goes On: Oh my, oh my, oh my. The camera
addicted Jon Gosselin has now decided that he is
Jewish. And all over the world, Jews are asking
(in the words of The Godfather's Don Corleone,
"Why come to me? What have I done to deserve
What do Jon Gosselin, his
bff Michael Lohan (Lindsey's father) and the helium
balloon family have in common? They were all bitten
by the celebrity bug and have become addicted. They
are modern day Norma Desmonds (Billy Wilders' Sunset
Boulevard) constantly crying "All right,
Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." These
camera chasing buffoons have never learned one vital
fact: When the media Gods shine their cameras on
you, you should always look for the jar of mustard
they are carrying in their other hand.
Beat Goes On: Kudos once again to starlet
Miss Bai Ling for making herself into a rolling
piece of pop art. Whether you like her look or not,
you have to admit, "That girl's got style."
Hey, what did you
wear to work today?
the Wild Things Are: Congratulations
to Miss Madonna for maintaining her rocker chic
mystique. The fifty-year-old Material Girl's neighbors
are attempting to evict her from her Central Park
West apartment for playing loud music and jumping
up and down on the floor (the bed?). And these whiny
neighbors did not once consider that it could have
been the Pop Queen's children, either the little
ones or the twenty-something one she is dating.
Oh no, these complaining Manhatannites immediately
knew which kid was yelling, "Let the wild rumpus
start," and it was our darling Madonna.
Which neighborhood is the coolest neighborhood in
It is the one where
where you are you when you are there.
Great Advise I Recently
Overheard: Take time to construct your happy
times because the bad times will create themselves.
Pixplanete / PR Photos
Pixplanete / PR Photos
The Beat Goes
On: Here is a bit
to make your smile - Prince and Rihanna gilding
their lillies to attend the Paris Fashion Week Spring/Summer
2010 Chanel Show on October 6, 2009. In the (non-abusive)
words of Kanye West, they "believe in their
on wearing black: I
walk the streets of our city surrounded by a sea
of black. Black and black, black and gray - New
York City is the only city where wearing a khaki
rain coat counts as a "splash of color."
A fashion loving friend of mine recently moved to
New York from the south. When I told her that she
needed to buy only black clothes, she pooh-poohed
me. But now, one year later, she is suitably attired
to be a stage burglar (scene changer) for a Broadway
show. New York does that to you. I have three sets
of clothes, one I use in NYC and the clothes I wear
in LA and Austin. They really don't mix - the Austin
wardrobe is grounded by a palette of khaki green;
the LA clothes colored like an psychedelic Easter
basket. New Yorkers are like the women flying into
Saudi Arabia who they don their burkas the minute
they enter Saudi air space.
Hey, we have a uniform and we wear it cruz it won't
show what you just sat in on the subway.
Do you have a Question
for Miss Wendy?
Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
All of Miss Wendy's
old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section: