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What's Up For Today?

Ask Miss Wendy -  Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher



Carriages in Central Park
Photo Credit Angelo Rivera

Merry XMAS from Miss Wendy to her loyal readers. Wherever you are for the Holidays, remember to Ho, Ho, Ho and Beat Your Drums!



Ruminations On Our National Fixation with the Saga of Tiger Woods: The world has come together at the global village square to gossip about Mr. Woods and his bevy of undulating mistresses. And a good time has been had by all except Woods and his wife, Elin. Even the mistresses are having a good time because they are to stupid to realize that they have exposed themselves to the entire world with the scarlet letter S (for slut) hung round their necks.

Why do we do this?

Years ago when we lives in villages, we were acquainted with the other villagers and could stand in the village square and gossip about the local sluts and a good time would be had by all. But city dwellers are rarely in a group when everyone else knows someone who is not present. Our work friends do not know our friend friends and no one knows our family. But we all can participate in celebrity roasts: Britney and her squad of paparazzi; Sarah and Levi; Tiger and the dancing harlots; etc. etc.

And when our friends tell us what they think about these tabloid stories, we learn very little about the disgraced celebrity (most of the stories are fiction) but we lean a lot about our friends. Do they think the situation is funny or are they sanctimonious and pontificate on and on about what a bad influence all these carryings on are "on the children?" Do they expose themselves to be snobs when they state that they "refuse to lower their standards to read the tabloids." That is the real benefit of gossip - it is a way for all of us to become better acquainted.

And it does not matter if what we are reading in the tabloids is true. We could just as easily be talking about what we thought about the new DVD release - The Hangover.

And how much of what we read in the tabloids is really true anyway. Does anyone really believe that Elin Nordegren is going to get on a plane to Sweden with a two year old and a baby just so she can fly home for Christmas? And don't chime in about how with all her money she could afford a private jet. I have flown on private jets and unless the private jet is named Air Force One, they are just a little less grueling than flying first class - the kids still scream.


Miss Wendy's Guide to Non-Passive-Aggressive Holiday Shopping
( Reprint from December 2007)

1. Do not give work-out clothing, exercise bikes, gym memberships or Zone Diet subscriptions to chubby people unless they specifically ask for these items.

2. Do not give "Days of Beauty" gift certificates to frumpy people. Do not give one to me; I will "get" your subtext and bitch-slap you. However, massage gift certificates are always acceptable.

3. Do not buy clothing for anyone unless you ask them about it first. Stick to gift certificates. Do not ever buy anyone anything that is a size to small so you can inspire them to lose weight. They will get even by not attending your funeral, an event which may occur sooner than you expect.

4. Do not give any home decor items to anyone anytime unless you KNOW they want them. The holidays are not the time to sneak a few tasteful items into your daughter-in-law's home.

5. Do not give leather-bound sets of classic books to children who don't like to read (stick to Harry Potter).

6. Do not give power tools to your slobby-good-for-nothing-husband-who-never- fixes-anything-anyway. He will just leave it in the middle of the garage floor to be run over when you try to park his SUV.

7. Ditto on the fancy Williams Sonoma pans for a woman who has not cooked in six months. She may just rearrange your brains with that Le Creuset frying pan.

Hey, the holidays are fraught, so graciously buy gifts certificates for everyone who does not specifically ask for something and then enroll yourself in a kick boxing class so you can work off your frustration about not getting to remake your friends and family. (And see how passive aggressive I am being by sending you off to kick boxing instead of suggesting that you drown your frustrations in a box of Godiva chocolates.)

The Beat Goes On: The OJ Simpson trial and the internet created our 24 hour news cycle. Before the white Bronco ride, the "assumption" was that the news "occurred" and the media reported. But with 24 hours to fill, the world does not create enough scandalous news to feed the cable monsters or the TMZ's and Radaronlines. So here come the news "producers."

This is how producers "produced" the Tiger Woods scandal. Part I is the solicitous interview of one of the myriad mistresses. Miss Mistress gets the velvet glove treatment on interview day - hair and make up and a solicitous kind interviewer. But as soon as she is out of the studio, here comes Chapter II - the mud slinging. Newscasters from the same outlet review the interview stating that the mistress is a harlot. Other media outlets criticize the channel that conducted the original interview for being too solicitous and then they cover the mistress in tabloid mud. Every little thing the "mistress" has done hits the news: receiving a 1099 from an Escort service; cavorting with another woman in a nightclub; sending naughty text messages.

It is hard to feel sorry for these idiot mistresses, but their lives have been ruined. They will never have a Chapter III. They won't be able to work as a hostess for an upscale club again; all the big sports figures would boycott the club fearing that they will be the next celebrity to be exposed. They cannot translate their skills for "looking good and fawning over celebrities" to another field other than prostitution and even in that field, there will be a "she kisses and tells" stigma. If they should go back to college and try to get a corporate job, their internet history will follow them and no one will hire them. And this may be the most sexist part of my diatribe - no decent man will marry them. No one wants their friends to snicker when they introduce their wife.

None of what I am saying is rocket science and I bet for every idiot "hostess with the mostest" who has allowed herself to be interviewed and labeled as one of Tiger's women, there is another woman who had the brains to see the "and then what's" and is hiding far from the cameras. These hidden women read Hansel and Gretel as children and know that the media witch only wants to fatten them up so she can eat them afterwards.

Oh My Oh My:
Houston, Texas has elected a gay mayor - openly gay controller Annise Parker (New York Times). As Tip O'Neill famously said, "All politics are local" - the city is broke and she is a good accountant. Congratulations to the citizens of Houston for proving that there is more to Texas than conservative Bush Republicans.


Ruminations: Sarah Palin must be incredibly annoyed by the carryings-on of Tiger Woods and the Thousand Dancing Harlots and the "I'll take the Fifth" Salahis. Their shenanigans have bumped Palin from the first page of the tabloids since before Thanksgiving! Nothing Palin does gets traction - not telling the world that it is "fair game" to ask Barack Obama if he was born in the United States or posing in shorts and panty hose for a magazine (not Newsweek, however, which gleefully appropriated that photo). What's a girl to do to get a little action? Oh the fleetingness of tabloid fame!


The Beat Goes On: Women are climbing out of the shrubs (accompanied by lawyers) to yell "Me Too, Me Too" hoping to cash in on the Tiger Wood's philandering scandal. It is hard to imagine what they think they will gain. This story has a news cycle that will last about two more weeks and then it will be gone. These ladies may be able to sell an article to a tabloid, but this is a case of "first out of the gates wins." The other ladies will have labeled themselves as harlots and seriously impaired their ability to ever work at another VIP club and for what?

Tiger has dealt some serious blows to his brand. He had a terrific image - the beautiful wife, the adorable daughter and his loyal mother always by his side. It worked and now it won't. It is the oldest story in the world, throwing away the Garden of Eden for a taste of the forbidden fruit.

The next question is will Elin decide that she an indispensable part of a marketing machine or will she act like the devastated wife she is and kick out her philandering cad.


The Beat Goes On: It seems that Michaele Salahi was not only not invited to the State Dinner, she was also not invited to the reunion of the Washington Redskins cheerleaders, because (and you'll love this).... she was never a cheerleader (New York Post). But, never mind that small detail, our darling Michaele simply attended the reunion anyway and performed with the squad. Now this is one lady with balls.

If I were a member of the Washington press corp, I would do a quick check for birth certificates and a wedding license. We know they had a wedding ceremony (we saw the video)...but..


Ruminations on Miss Rachel Uchitel aka Tiger Woods (maybe) paramour:
All the tabloids (and the dignified news outlets) have been all atwitter about Miss Uchitel and Miss Uchitel has played right along, leaking and denying the story, hiring Gloria Allred. Miss Uchitel, by all reports, is a part of that class of society known as "the party girls," the girls whose sole function in life is to hang out in nightclubs, getting paid to both bring in celebrities and to "party" with celebrities.

But all these party girls age every day just like the rest of the world's population, making me wonder - where do the see themselves in twenty years? What is their career path? Wealthy classy men rarely marry party girls; they are actually looking for someone who looks both gorgeous and classy, like Tiger's wife, Elin. So as party girls and their crowd age, do they begin promoting events at piano bars? Do they host events in Palm Springs? Just where do old party girls go to die?

2009 American Music Awards -
Nokia Theater / Los Angeles, CA, USA
November 22, 2009
David Gabber / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy: Here is one of my "You Got It Going Girl" Awards for Rihanna. Rihanna totally gets the concept of "If you want to be in the show, put on a show." The lady is a walking/talking billboard for her career.


The Beat Goes On: Thanksgiving weekend has been filled with exciting stories that have the nation's media outlets all agaga. First, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, Virginia publicity hounds, managed to gate crash the White House state dinner for the prime minister of India, having their photos taken with the likes of Rahm Emanuel and Vice President Joe Biden. That was the "pride" part of, "Pride cometh before a fall." And here (also through the media outlets) comes news of the fall: Mr. Salahi's family firm is bankrupt; the neighbors are telling anyone who will listen that trailers keep pulling up to the Salahi home, supposedly with the purpose of repossessing a variety of unpaid items; and the Secret Service will not rule out the possibility that there may be criminal charges - trespassing anyone?. It seems that the Salahi free publicity stunt will continue to play out in the courts of our nation's capital. The Salahi's have obviously never heard that, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

Then, Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and his neighbor's tree as he drove away from his home at 2AM in the morning. And all the media outlets want him to explain why he was leaving his home at that hour, just as though TMZ and Eonline were his parents. Did he have a fight with this wife about the article in the National Enquirer that said Woods was having an affair? Enquiring minds simply have to know. And there is all this breathless talk about how the police want to talk to Woods even though "alcohol was not a factor." Of course, the police want to talk to him; they have to fill out an accident report. But since no one was injured except Tiger and Tiger is perfectly capable of reimbursing the fire department for the fire hydrant and his neighbors for the tree, this is one story that should go away all by itself if Woods and his wife Elin simply refuse to speak to the media. There will be no Chapter II unless they write it.


From Miss Wendy to Her Readers: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and here are two helpful recipes you can use if any one is foolish enough to ask you to contribute a dish for the festivities:

Miss Wendy's White Trash Fruit Salad

1 large can of fruit cocktail (drained)
1 large bag of colored miniature marshmellows
1 large container of Cool Whip

Mix ingredients in a bowl and enjoy

Miss Wendy's Queso

One package of Velvetta cheese, sliced
One jar of salsa
16 ounces of half and half

Put all ingredients into the crock pot, heat and serve with chips.

Happy Thanksgiving!

From Miss Wendy to Her Readers: The flying season is upon us again. And just in time to remind us of the perils of flying, there is an article on about the Phoenix couple who was just charged with stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the Phoenix airport. There should be severe punishment for these thieves who have forced over 1,000 members of the traveling public to spend their business trip/vacation in their coffee stained travel clothes.

Hint: It is still best to pack all your dirty underwear in your carryon so airport security can continue to enjoy it.

Just in time for the traveling season, here is a reprint of a letter from my November 2007, which is unfortunately still relevant today.

Dear Miss Wendy,

It's Thanksgiving week. Does Miss Wendy have any advice to the air traveling public?


Down Home Turkey

Dear Turkey,

The airport police will be on high alert. Not for terrorists, silly, but for any hint of bad behavior from the flying public who are being thoroughly mistreated by our overbooked airlines and the under trained, underpaid airport security guards. Airports have grown to resemble subway tunnels with filthy restrooms and travelers forced to sleep on the floor; the situation is become so bad that many Jet Blue travelers plan ahead and pack mats so they don't have to lie on the dirty floor! So no matter how upset you become, please stay calm so you don't become the next Larry Craig (arrested for twitching in the men's room), Jonathan Rhys Meyers (arrested for public drunkenness after years of sobriety) or worse yet as agitated and depressed as Carol Gotbaum, the lady who died while in police custody. Save your whining for someplace safe - the visit with your family.


God Bless Sarah Palin: Former governor Palin's shenanigans will gas up this column and keep it rolling from now until Christmas. Palin's latest doozy is declaring to Oprah that before Bristol told her she was pregnant, she had no idea Bristol was sexually active. This one really does not pass the smell test. I grew up in a small town, but I moved away the day after graduation. When I received my invitation to my high school's twentieth reunion, half the girls I graduated with were now were grandmothers. So you figure out what happens on Prom night. There is a reason that small towns are home to shot-gun-toting daddies who are constantly on the prowl for just a whiff of a fox in their daughter's hen house.


The Beat Goes On: The news lines are spilling the leaked story that Levi Johnson (Sarah Palin's NOT son-in-law) has posed for Playgirl with nothing but a hockey stick. Inquiring minds simply must know: Just how did they place the hockey stock? We are all atwitter.

P. S. Many kudos to ex-Governor Palin for telling Oprah that Levi would be welcome for Thanksgiving dinner. That was both a publicity coup (Palin appears magnanimous) and a marvelously evil dig.


Rumination on Pretty Girls Looking Bad: I have been walking the streets of New York City, viewing the fashion-disaster-behind screated by the new/old legging craze. Leggings were "the thing" in the 80's, but by the 90's they had disappeared because too many thunderous thighs were being stuffed into leggings and sausage casings have never been fashionable. But now I am talking about tall pretty women who should look good in almost anything, who have created a "background" problem for themselves by wearing their leggings with skimpy knit dresses that stop at the top of their thighs and cling to their bottoms, thus creating a "rounded" image that I am sure these women would be appalled to see in a three- way mirror. Some are even exacerbating the problem by wearing jackets that stop at the waist, emphasizing their basketball-in-a-baby-blanket look. It does not matter how thin the girl is; thin girls end up with "unfilled" rolls of legging material bunched at the top of their thighs. Two more inches of skirt fabric (denim, not knit) in a skirt that flared out, not in, and these women would look fabulous. Hey, if looking good were easy, we would all do it.


Jon Hamm of Mad Men
Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos

Ruminations: Last night was the season's final for Mad Men, one of television's finest shows. It was brilliant, starting in the the morass of the failing Draper marriage and ending with the birth of a new Sterling Cooper, the return of Joan (how does anyone manage without a Joan in their life?) and Don beginning his new life in Manhattan (how long before the school teacher appears?). Mad Men is available on demand, so don't wait. Everyone needs a little Madness.

P. S. Does anyone besides me think Betty is terminally stupid to run off with the next alpha-male-with-good-hair who becomes smitten with her cool Grace Kelly looks. No investigation, only "you'll do" and out the door she goes. Here's my spoiler: The Henry Francis gig won't last; fairy tales don't exist.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: It is starting to get cold in New York so check out this article on Budget titled World's Best Affordable Hotels - We scoured the globe until we found the 31 best new hotels for under $150. If you can't afford to physically travel, let your mind take a trip.


Dear Miss Wendy,

Is it possible to purchase a sexy winter hat?


Shivering Fashionista

Dear Shivers,



Hot Tip: We are just about to go into the holiday flying season so here is a "word to the wise." There is a horrifying article on about a couple in Phoenix who were arrested for stealing over 1,000 pieces of luggage from the airport carousel. Now, this problem could be easily avoided if the airports would resume checking luggage tags before allowing passengers to leave with "their" luggage. Instead they advise people to go quickly to the carousel after getting off the plane. But this advise is meaningless to people who are traveling with young children and have to wait to have their gate-checked strollers brought up from the hold or for the elderly infirm who need to wait for a wheel chair or even for Miss Wendy who needs to visit the ladies. Unfortunately, I have no advice except to suggest that you give everyone gift cards and pack your black, no-muss, rollable knit outfits in a carry-on. But please, please, don't wear that awful "travel dress." I might be on the plane with you and I simply can't stand it.

P. S. If you have a black bag and simply must check it, tie a yarn bow on the handle. You may look a little silly while carrying the bag, but nowhere near as silly as you will look spending your vacation in your traveling outfit because your bag made one more trip around the carousel and was snatched. No one should be forced to vacation without their fabulosity kit.


Lady Bunny
"Can It!" Charity Event to Mark the 70th Anniversary
of VIPP Waste Cans
Design Within Reach in New York City
October 28, 2009
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: New York really deserves an award for Best Drag Queens. Manhattan boasts downtown denizens like Lady Bunny and the drag queen muses - The Upper East Side Ladies Who Lunch. And since I am from Texas, the home of blonde hair and pasty pearls, I can rightfully appreciate both.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Is it possible to purchase a a sexy-looking down coat?


New York Shivers

Dear Shivers,



Betsey Johnson
Betsey Johnson Store at Planet Hollywood Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
October 24, 2009
PRN / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is one of Miss Wendy's You Got It Going Girl Awards for Miss Betsey Johnson. Johnson is a sixty-plus grandmother who rocks the runway, cart wheeling down the aisle and then dancing back up while carrying her adorable granddaughter. Johnson is a Rock Princess who keeps on sparkling.


The Beat Goes On: Oh my, oh my, oh my. The camera addicted Jon Gosselin has now decided that he is Jewish. And all over the world, Jews are asking (in the words of The Godfather's Don Corleone, "Why come to me? What have I done to deserve such generosity?"

Ruminations: What do Jon Gosselin, his bff Michael Lohan (Lindsey's father) and the helium balloon family have in common? They were all bitten by the celebrity bug and have become addicted. They are modern day Norma Desmonds (Billy Wilders' Sunset Boulevard) constantly crying "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." These camera chasing buffoons have never learned one vital fact: When the media Gods shine their cameras on you, you should always look for the jar of mustard they are carrying in their other hand.


Bai Ling
PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Kudos once again to starlet Miss Bai Ling for making herself into a rolling piece of pop art. Whether you like her look or not, you have to admit, "That girl's got style."

Hey, what did you wear to work today?


Where the Wild Things Are: Congratulations to Miss Madonna for maintaining her rocker chic mystique. The fifty-year-old Material Girl's neighbors are attempting to evict her from her Central Park West apartment for playing loud music and jumping up and down on the floor (the bed?). And these whiny neighbors did not once consider that it could have been the Pop Queen's children, either the little ones or the twenty-something one she is dating. Oh no, these complaining Manhatannites immediately knew which kid was yelling, "Let the wild rumpus start," and it was our darling Madonna.


Dear Miss Wendy:

Which neighborhood is the coolest neighborhood in New York?


Manhattan Bound

Dear Manhattan,

It is the one where where you are you when you are there.

Great Advise I Recently Overheard: Take time to construct your happy times because the bad times will create themselves.

Pixplanete / PR Photos

Pixplanete / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is a bit to make your smile - Prince and Rihanna gilding their lillies to attend the Paris Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 Chanel Show on October 6, 2009. In the (non-abusive) words of Kanye West, they "believe in their flyness."


Ruminations on wearing black: I walk the streets of our city surrounded by a sea of black. Black and black, black and gray - New York City is the only city where wearing a khaki rain coat counts as a "splash of color." A fashion loving friend of mine recently moved to New York from the south. When I told her that she needed to buy only black clothes, she pooh-poohed me. But now, one year later, she is suitably attired to be a stage burglar (scene changer) for a Broadway show. New York does that to you. I have three sets of clothes, one I use in NYC and the clothes I wear in LA and Austin. They really don't mix - the Austin wardrobe is grounded by a palette of khaki green; the LA clothes colored like an psychedelic Easter basket. New Yorkers are like the women flying into Saudi Arabia who they don their burkas the minute they enter Saudi air space.

Hey, we have a uniform and we wear it cruz it won't show what you just sat in on the subway.


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