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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

Click here for Miss Wendy's Latest Column

Michael Jackson
Solarpix / PR Photos

Here is one of Miss Wendy's "You Got it Going Girl Awards" for Mr. Michael Jackson (and yes, I know that he is a he, but do you?). Michael was holding a press conference in London for his "This Is It!" 10 Show Concert Tour. There is so much to be said about this but I think I will just stick with, "Nice duds and shades."

Dear Miss Wendy,

The Dow dropped below 7000 today. Are we doomed?

Sincerely,

Political Maven

Dear Mavis,

No. Though it does feel like we are bungy jumping in the dark with no clue when we will be through falling. President Barack Obama has assured us that the government is willing to do whatever it takes to help the economy and I believe he will succeed. But one other thing will save us. Despite the craziness of the Republican Governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, giving his speech-after-the speech and stating that Republicans believe in the American people and the American people can fix the mess our former Republican administration made with little or no help from the government (as in, "We broke it, you fix it."), people are resilient. All over our country people are looking at this mess with the idea of what can they do to fix their own personal situation and some of this "fixing of a personal situation" will spill over and help our country. Granted, many will be just forced to just suffer, but some will have new ideas like the one Steve Jobs had when he revamped Apple or the idea that the creators of Ebay and Amazon had when they changed the way America shopped. When Jobs returned to Apple to create Ipod, Iphone and Ibook, the conventional wisdom was that Apple was down for the count. And when the entrepreneurs of internet shopping created their fiefdoms, no one thought anyone would be willing to shop on the internet. The conventional wisdom always states that new ideas won't work. But new ideas are boiling away in a million "cauldrons of creativity" because adversity always lights a fire.

And I bet if you asked a lot of people who have lived in large homes and drive SUV's, if they would now be willing to live in smaller, greener, sexier homes and live in a community which only allowed small electric cars to be driven inside the community with car parks and car rental agencies on the outskirts to house bigger cars for highway travel (or perhaps high-speed trains), the answer might well be yes. And that is not an answer they would have given even a year ago.

And one last thought, when you feel down for the count, just think about how Ireland thrived as soon as the "troubles" were over and how quickly the countries from the former Soviet bloc recreated their nations after the Berlin Wall fell. These countries had all been "down for the count" but quickly arose like the mythical Phoenix. And we will too.

Rihanna
Photo Credit Adam Bielawski / PR Photos

Dear Miss Wendy,

Did you hear the news - Rihanna is back with her no-good battering boyfriend, Chris Brown?

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Yup. And all I can say is that I've heard this story before and I don't like the ending. Oh well, perhaps they can become country music singers. And if they want some lyrics, I will be happy to help.

"You stuck your face in my fist and I didn't know what to do
But believe me honey baby, I still love yooooooooo"

Yuck!

CoCo Marie and Husband Ice-T
Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Fall 2009
Richie Rich "Blondes Have More Fun" Fashion Show
Waldorf-Astoria Hotel / New York City, NY, USA
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is one of Miss Wendy's You Got It Going Girl Awards to Ice-T (Law & Order) and his wife, Coco Marie (I know Ice's a guy, but he still gets the award). Now here is a couple who has resisted the urge to move to Connecticut and blend in. And to all you middle aged children who have never managed to reconcile with your families, wouldn't they be a fun couple to bring along to the next family reunion? And if you are still resentful over your childhood, you could always walk in with this very stylish couple and say, "This is Ice T and Coco - we're dating.")

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Spring is just around the corner with the resulting influx of tourists on spring break (we hope, we hope) so now is the time to set some new rules for how to walk in New York City.

Tourist come to New York (and God bless them) and, hey, they are on vacation (many thanks, we need your money). But many a tourist who would not dream of blocking traffic by pulling a hay wagon down a country lane back in Missouri (or wherever they are from), thinks nothing of blocking traffic on the sidewalks of New York City. Message to our beloved tourists, despite what has happened in Times Square, New York City is not Disneyland. I know you are on vacation, but New Yorkers are walkers by necessity and if you block the sidewalk, you are making someone late for their doctor appointment or late to pick up their child from school. The sidewalks are New York City's roads.

Here are Miss Wendy's Walking Rules for Tourists:

1. Do not walk three abreast on the sidewalk. Especially if you and your friends have lived long enough to be able to pay for a trip to New York City and sport the derriere spread that comes with age and prosperity. You won't fit and people will be forced to push by you to get by.

2. If you walk up a flight of stairs and are a little winded, do not stop at the top of the stairs to get your breath. Move away from the top of the stairs to stop and pant.

3. If you are walking down the sidewalk and see something interesting that you want to point out to your friends, pull them to the side clearing the sidewalk, and then look up and point.

4. And never, never meander.

5. And one last thing, please to not wear sun visors. It upsets me.

Now, here are some walking rules just for New Yorkers:

1. Do not walk while you are talking on your cell phone unless you are saying something like, "Please don't pull the plug until I get there." You don't look important and you will inevitably start to meander (Do Not Meander), making it impossible to pass you. Every other person on the sidewalks of New York is jawing away on a cell phone. Unfocussed jawers look silly, walk slowly and block sidewalk traffic.

2. And to all of you who run through Grand Central Station pulling a roller bag and talking on the phone, cut that sh*t out right now. If you trip me, I am going to sue. You also look ridiculous.

3. Do not stand on the subway stairs and make cell phone calls. You are blocking the stairway (and why oh why do I have to tell grownups something like this?).

4. And one last thing, New Yorkers should never wear Crocs. Why go to all the trouble to live in this great cosmopolitan city only to lose you cred to a pair of Crocs? Notice, I did not make this a rule for our beloved tourists, but more is expected of the residents of this great city. With privilege comes responsibility.

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Oh my oh my, Roseanne Barr seems to have taken Chris Brown beat-down of Rihanna very personally. See Roseanne's blog. Not that what Brown did has any excuse and his talk about taking counsel from his family certainly rings a little false (like they did not notice his bad temper and biting ways beforehand), but one wonders just why Ms. Barr is so up in arms? Well, on second thought, perhaps we don't want to know.

Dear Miss Wendy,

It is Fashion Week! Please tell us: Is there sex during fashion week?

Sincerely,

Longing Fashionista

Dear Long,

Absolutely not. Everyone involved in Fashion Week is entirely too hungry and bitchy to be interested in sex.

See this quote from my February 2007 Column about sex during Fashion Week: "Well there will be a lot of pretty little things walking down the runway (see-through blouses with no bras, thongs peeping through voile for both men and women) but realistically, there will be no sex. The female models have not eaten in about a month and if propositioned would probably say something like, “Not now sweetie, but why don’t you just talk dirty to me while I do this line?” The male models have had a little more to eat and might be a little more interested, but are still likely to say something like, “Oh that’s nice, but why don’t you just get up and act as my spotter while I lift these weights?” And the designers will brush away any amorous efforts with a, “For heavens sake, darlings! If you really want to be useful, get off your knees and make a Starbucks run! Someone is going to trip over you and break a heel!” You see, everyone at Fashion Week is an ascetic, asexual alien; things are different in their world."

Dear Miss Wendy,

You have said nothing about about what you think about the situation of Nadya Suleman, the single mother of six who gave birth to a octupulets last month, making her the single mother of fourteen.

Sincerely,

Tabloid Tilly

Dear Tilly,

Miss Wendy has said nothing because she is speechless just thinking about such craziness. Miss Wendy occasionally spend the weekend with family that has one toddler. And even though both parents are present the entire time, Miss Wendy leaves the household utterly exhausted from doing her one third share of caring for one child.

There is simply no way for one mother to adequately care for fourteen children, even with a lot of help. If you are a single mother, the buck stops with you and that means that there will always be a least one child crying inconsolably 24 hours a day. How did this woman forget one simple fact, small babies never sleep for more than an hour or two in any one stretch and they certainly never time their sleeping habits with seven other babies, even if these babies are their (beloved?) siblings. Living in the Suleman household will be like living in a firehouse where the siren never goes off - not much fun for the mother and an utterly horrifying situation for the fourteen children who will be expected to, in the words of Topsy in Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin, "Raise themselves."

And the doctors who implanted all those embryos in the single mother of six, obviously did not remember the Hippocratic oath to, "First, do not harm."

So there, that's my two cents.

P. S. Have you noticed that no one is defending this woman's "choice"? Even the right wing pro lifers aren't coming anywhere near this story.

Alex Rodriguez
PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: So here we go again, Alex Rodriguez is reported to have taken steroid five years ago. And there has been much wailing, moaning and gnashing of teeth about what a travesty this is for the shining glory of baseball not to mention what a foul example it is for the children. Well, Miss Wendy is a bit cynical and no more surprised and upset about this than I am about the fact that most Hollywood starlets have fake boobs. But then again, I am not a baseball fan.

But the story that no one is talking about is that the drug testing back in 2003 was supposed to be a confidential, no-penalty round of testing as stipulated by an agreement between the owners and the player's union.

Now, I think that any kind of "confidential" medical test should remain just that, "confidential." After all, how would you feel if you were running for public office and your confidential medical records about how you had a crabs (Again!) was made public and all anyone could talk about is how you never should have had such a problem in the first place.

Grace Jones
PR Photos

From Miss Wendy to her readers: Here is a "You Got It Going Girl" Award to Miss Grace Jones who is still rockin' it in her sixties. Grace is a Jamaican born singer/model who lived in the world of Warhol and Studio 54. Now this is a woman who has a definite goal when she gets out of bed in the morning. As Christian Siriano would say, "That girl is fierce!"

From Miss Wendy to her readers: There is a fun article on MSNBC.com titled, "10 peeks at sex in the wild." If you are sitting home feeling sorry for yourself because you are so broke you are not even interested in sex anymore, read on and be grateful you are not a penguin. And yes, it has come to this.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at wendy@newyorkcool.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/January/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/September/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/July/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/April/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/March/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/February/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/January/ask.html