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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

The Beat Goes On: A fifty-one-year-old Indiana man has been arrested for visiting his in laws' grave in the nude (MSNBC.com). He told the arresting officer that he took off his clothes in his truck because his underwear was wet after "golfing all day" and he then got out of his truck at the cemetery because he did not have his glasses with him and could not see the flowers on his in laws' grave. Sigmund Freud died too soon.

Oh My Oh My: According to MSNBC.com, five "other" runners have been gored by bulls during the "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona, Italy (one runner died two days ago). Now I have always said that a walking-talking-grown-up-man is a miracle of nature - you are looking at a boy who did not die from riding his bicycle off the side of a cliff or some other such shenanigans. But running with bulls! You never see any WOMEN running with the bulls other than the human ones in the workplaces and bars of life.

Hot tip for women: If you meet a man who tells you that he just got back from the "Running of the Bulls" and he asks you out, say no. Tell him that it is better for the future of mankind if he never breeds and you are going to do your part to ensure that never happens. So there.

Jessica Szohr
Gossip Girl Filming in Soho, New York on July 9, 2009
Janet Mayer / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is a shout out to the fashion designers for Gossip Girl who picked the perfect purse to go with Jessica Szohr's legs. Bravo for your victory in the fashion wars!

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
Sean "Diddy" Combs, Ashton Kutcher and Malaria No More
Host the Annual White Party
Beverly Hills, CA, USA
July 4, 2009
Chris Hatcher / PR Photos

Here is a You Got It Going Girl Award to Miss Demi Moore (AKA Mrs. Ashton Kutcher). Demi is simply amazing at being amazing. And being married to Ashton Kucher is the cherry topping that tarts up her life.

Look at the dress, look at the husband. Could life get any better?

The Beat Goes On: Here is a I Gotta Pile On I Just Gotta Pile On Award to New York Congressman Peter King for calling Michael Jackson a "low-life" (See Huffingtonpost.com) when the guy just died and isn't even in the ground yet. It's official Congressman King: your bottom is on top of the pile and in a perfect position to be spanked by those in your constituency who don't believe in speaking ill of the dead.

Governor Sarah Palin Campaigning in 2008
PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Today is designated a National Day of Thankgiving so Senator Ensign of Nevada and Governor Sanford of South Carolina can sincerely thank Sarah Palin for becoming their decoy dog by resigning and therefore bumping their sorry-assed-tales off the 24 hour news channels.

The Beat Goes On: Today Sarah Palin announced to an utterly speechless nation that she is resigning from her job as Governor of Alaska. Immediately all the political wags started to wag; what is she doing and why? Well the simplest explanation is that she got a better offer, perhaps a talk show on h'm......Fox And Palin has three school age children who need to be enrolled in schools this fall, so if she is going to move, she needs to do it in the summer.

The likely impetus for the resignation (and the possible Fox job) is that Palin was exposed to the glamour of the Republican world (the rich kid's playground) during the Presidential campaign and now she wants to see more. Alaska most have been a real let down after the rush of the campaign with its stays in four star hotels, trips to Neimans and Saks, make up artists, hair stylists and hot-and-cold-running-millionaires.

Being governor of Alaska pays $125,000 and Palin is a lady with five kids who now has a Saks habit. You do the math.

Johnny Depp
Public Enemies UK Premiere / London, UK
June 29,2009
Solarpix / PR Photos

Here is one of Miss Wendy's You Got it Going Girl (Guy) Awards to Mr. Johnny Depp who is just about the coolest dude walking this planet. Depp is starring in the newly opened Public Enemies, the story of John Dillinger.

The Beat Goes On: Okay! Okay! Governor Mark Sanford needs to resign and no, it is not because he was unfaithful to his wife, that would be silly; he need to resign because he is terminally stupid. In press interviews, Sanford has stated that he has crossed the line with more women but has only had an affair with his Argentine love - I guess he means water cooler groping at work or perhaps lap dances while supposedly on hunting trips with the boys. But that is NOT why he needs to resign (although, the good citizens of South Carolina should feel free to disagree). This terminally stupid (or brain-tumored) man said this in an interview (see MSNBC.com): "During more than three hours of interviews over two days at his Statehouse office, Sanford said he is trying to fall back in love with his wife, Jenny, even as he grapples with his deep feelings for Chapur." Anyone who would tell the press that he is "trying to fall back in love with his wife" (the mother of his four children) is "too dumb to come in from the rain" and beyond redemption.

Fergie
2009 MuchMusic Video Awards / Toronto, Canada
June 21, 2009
Robin Wong / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Miss Wendy does not do "Whatever Was She Thinking?" bits but nevertheless - "Whatever Was Fergie Thinking - Did She Dress In the Dark?" Such a pretty woman, such a horrid dress!

Ruminations: If you take a photograph of someone, you change them. When aborigines stopped to pose for a camera, they were different afterwards; they knew something they did not know before - people like to watch.

Michael Jackson and Britney Spears are both examples of celebrities who were/have been looked at their entire lives, starting when they were so young they did not have the capacity to consent. And their lives played out much differently than that of Madonna, who made the decision to dive into the bowl as a young woman.

We all have different personas for different situations - we act differently when we are at work then we do at home for one example. So imagine what is must be like to live your life in a fishbowl with the the constant pressure to be "worth looking at." It is crazy making.

Like child stars, the wives and children of politicians are also dumped into a fish bowl without without their "informed consent." In the first act of their new fish-bowl-lives, they are expected to behave themselves as though they were members of the British royal family and needed to model proper behavior for the masses. And then if the person who dumped them into the fish bowl in the first place misbehaves, they are left to act out Nathaniel Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter, becoming little Pearls (Hester Prynne's illegitimate daughter) for a tabloid feast.

It is widely reported that George Bush's daughters begged him to not run for President because they were about to start college and did not want to be in the public eye. But he did and then when the girls had the usual college craziness of underage drinking (something every college freshman does), they were always reported to the law because it made fodder for the tabloids. Two obviously nice young ladies were now playing unpaid roles as Girls Gone Wild. A college freshman has a fake ID. Shocking! Shocking!

And that brings me to Governor Mark Sanford and his recent shenanigans. Now Sanford is a man who climbed on up on a pedestal and pontificated about the then President Clinton, “The bottom line is that he lied under a different oath -the oath to his wife.” — Republican Congressman Marshall Clement “Mark” Sanford on politics and the sanctity of marriage, 1998. Sanford has four sons and a wife who have now been humiliated publicly through no fault of their own. They were hostages in his "pride cometh before a fall" drama. His four sons will now have to navigate life as the sons of an eccentric hypocritical fool. But many hurrahs go out to Mrs. Sanford for not standing next to her hound dog husband while he held his "mea culpa" press conference.

Farah Fawcett Pinup 1976

Michael Jackson
March 5, 2009

The Beat Goes On: The heaven of our minds and hearts is a little brighter today with the arrival of two iconic stars - Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson who both died on Thursday, June 25, 2009. We who are still walking on the earth are grateful for the incredible show you gave us. Rest in peace!

The Beat Goes On: Shakespeare is alive and well and living in the Governor's mansion in South Carolina. Governor Mark Sanford had seemingly just "disappeared" after fighting a losing battle to prevent his state from taking Federal stimulus funds, a fight that made both the Democrats and Republicans lawmakers of South Carolina utterly furious with him. So...it turns out that Sanford (the married father of four) had gone to Buenos Aires in search of a personal stimulus, a visit with his Argentinean mistress. And someone has managed to hack his salacious emails to "Maria;" they are all over the news for everyone to enjoy. All these shenanigans come from a man who, when he was a United States congressman, self righteously voted to impeach Clinton. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

The real problem with hypocritical hound dogs like Governor Sanford, Senator Ensign and former Governor Spitzer, is that they take hostages - their families. When people run for public office, they dump their families into a fish bowl, with our without their informed consent. And when men f**K up, as alpha males tend to do (so far none of these stories have been about female politicians), from then on your wronged wife and embarrassed children are forced to navigate their lives accompanied by a Greek chorus of sniggers.

Political Talk: There is almost nothing we can do to help the people of Iran except watch in horror as peaceful demonstrators are met with brutality. But we can wear green scarves (and no I don't mean around your head) or green wrist bands. Pass it on.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Is it harder to find a mate in Manhattan than in other cities in the US?

Sincerely,

Lovelorn

Dear Love,

Yes.

Dear Miss Wendy Again,

Okay. So...why is it so hard to find a mate in Manhattan?

Dear Love,

Most of the people you meet in Manhattan are not natives. They deliberate moved here with a purpose (why would you live in an East Village starter apartment without a burning desire for something) and very few of these purposes involve getting married and settling down. So all the alpha males and alpha women and the actors, models and gurus are intersted in sex, but unless you can help their careers (you are rich man with little class and she is a model or you are a wall street giant and she is classy Princeton educated arm candy), they are not interested in anyone other than the "royal me" for the long term.

Sacha Baron Cohen and Posse
Bruno Paris Premiere
Publicis Champs Elysees / Paris, France
June 15, 2009
Pixplanete / PR Photos

Sacha Baron Cohen and Posse
Bruno United Kingdom Premiere
Empire Leicester Square / London, UK
June 17, 2009
Solarpix / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: We are about to be Bruno-tized when Sasha Baron Cohen's new film, Bruno opens in New York City on July 10, 2009. If Cohen's last film Borat is an indicator, this film promises to be totally offensive and incredibly funny. But the real question I have is - just how painful was Cohen's wax job (he was incredibly hairy in Borat) and did he have the courage to go all the way and have a full body wax? If the nudity level of Bruno is the same as it was for Borat, we may soon find out.

P. S. There are stories in the news about how gays in Hollywood are finding even the idea of Cohen playing a gay character to be offensive. We will know that gay rights have finally been accepted as mainstream when anyone (including gays) can play flamers and have it be perceived as the the outrageous fun that flaming can be. After all, why should gays be the only ones who are allowed to have fun being gay?

Political Talk: Here is a heart felt endorsement of the Iranian people as they stand up for their rights and protest their recent Presidential election. Watching the videos of the silent march of hundreds of thousand of protestors in Tehran touches my heart. But even though we are all hoping for another "tearing down of the Berlin wall," I completely endorse President Obama's hands-off approach of stating (paraphrasing) that we support the rights of people to have free and fair elections but choosing not to meddle in Iran's political affairs. This situation is similar to one where a relative and spouse decide to divorce. If you pick a side, they will undoubtedly reconcile and then be mad at you for "those things you said." So here is a toast to the Iranian people - Good Luck and Go With God! We wish you the best.

Political Talk: Conservative Republican Senator Ensign of Nevada (with the required hand-wringing and gnashing-of-teeth) has admitted to an extra-marital affair. Now here is some fresh meat for the tabloids now that Letterman has apologized to Palin. (Reality check, I am writing about it). But regardless of how much fun this is, the affair is really no one's business except Senator Ensign's wife who has been publicly humiliated by her hound dog of a husband. When will we realize that the majority of married men stray and that is doubly true for the alpha males in our Senate, even (perhaps especially) the hypocritical ones who make a point of pontificating when others are embarrassed in public - Ensign "figuratively" piled on when Senator Larry Craig was ambushed by that silly cop in the Minneapolis airport restroom.

We act so shocked, but we are hypocrites too. Every woman I know has a least two friends whose husbands have strayed even if her own husband's hunting dog instincts have been quashed. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce so just what do people think happened to Daddy and/or Mommy? Doesn't anyone listen to the lyrics of country songs?

Senator Ensign must be very grateful for the Iran's election mess which will hopefully (for him) seriously limit the time the 24 hour news channels can spend spanking him.

P. S. Does anyone in their right mind believe that 63.2% of Iran's voters would choose a nut job like Ahmadinejad? This smells so funny no one will eat it.

Quick Note to David Letterman (6/16/2009): Sarah Palin did not really want you to deliver a heart felt apology last night. This mishegas would have been worth at least another two weeks of free publicity or it most certainly would would have played until some else happened. (The media tiger is always hungry for fresh meat.)

And hey, if anyone wants to feud with me - Bring It One!

Katie Perry
Solarpix / PR Photos

Here is one of Miss Wendy's You Got It Going Girl Awards to Miss Katie Perry. Perry manages to rock the world while looking both funny and fun.
katyperry.com

Ed Helms in The Hangover

Political Talk: I just saw The Hangover (director Todd Phillips). The film is totally gross (think American Pie) and incredibly fun. The film boasts a clever well written script (Jon Lucas and Scott Moore). According to media reports, The Hangover had the third highest opening weekend receipt for an R rated comedy.

Looking at all the people in my "front-row-is-filled" audience, all of whom were busting their guts laughing, I thought: Just what has happened to the so-called middle America, the home of Republican values and Sara Palin lovers? Do they exist are or we actually more like the French with their anything-goes view of morality.

Well.... yes.

The "moral majority" fringe group is joined in their no-longer-majority voting bloc by a quickly shrinking group of hypocrites (who love films like The Hangover) but vote Republican because they believe a Republican administration won't force them to pay the nation's bills. (They were right. We are deeply in debt after the last "pass the bill down the table" Republican administration. We are so heavily in debt to the Chinese, they practically own us).

When will we acknowledge that most Americans are in the middle on almost everything and that is why Barack Obama (a centrist Democrat) was elected and Republicans like former-Republican-now-independent Mayor Mike Bloomberg or former-Republican Governor Pataki are squarely in the middle of our national psyche. Both Bloomberg and Pataki are New Yorkers who espouse liberal social values, but who also implemented strong fiscal policies; they believe in keeping the trains running on time. Good responsible government and liberal social values - this is where most Americans live and laugh uproariously at movies like The Hangover.

Governor Sarah Palin
© Janet Mayer / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Congratulations are in order for both Dave Letterman and Sarah Palin for creating a new feud which is generating sh*tload of free publicity for both of them (see MSNBC.com). Hey, that joke was really tasteless but both of Palin's daughters survived childhood's boot camp, Junior High, and I bet they can both take it and dish it out, as can their Mama. As Donald and Rosie and Perez and Carrie Prejean have amply demonstrated, why pay a publicist when staging a cat fight is free.

And thank you, thank you Governor Palin for continuing to supply fresh meat for this column.

Sophia Hyatt and Friend
Polo in the Park World Polo Series - Day 1
The Hurlingham Club / Fulham, Central London, UK
June 5, 2009
Solarpix / PR Photos

Here is a fun photo that just flew across the pond: Miss Sophia Hyatt (she is a Paris-Hilton-type London socialite) went all out (and up and sideways) with her hat selection when she attended Polo in the Park. Just what is it with the English and their hats? This creation could very well have scared the horses.

Oh my oh my: Blouder, Colorado has a problem with two nudists (MSNBC.com). A couple in their late fifties insist on gardening in the nude (except for a thong for him and a thong and pasties for her). Double yuck and enough is enough! If either of those gardeners is a member of Congress, they should be censured immediately. And just where are those Catholic school nuns when you really need them?

And the beat goes on: Actor David Carradine has died under mysterious and embarrassing circumstances. He was discovered in a hotel room closet in Thailand with a rope around his neck and genitals - circumstances similar to what happened to INXS's Michael Hutchence. Carradine is dead and gone and may he rest in peace, but he left a lot of friends and family on this earth. Who knows what really happened and I certainly hope for his family's sake that there was no one else involved and this story (if not Carradine) will die a natural death. But we can all use this sad tale to remind ourselves to think ahead before "tying one on." No one wants people sniggering at his or her funeral. Just thought I would mention it.

But what are they going to tell the little Baptist children in Waco, Texas? There is a story on MSNBC.com titled "Gay penguin pair raising chick - Males incubated abandoned egg for a month and continue to care for chick." So two penguins in Berlin, Germany have "chosen the homosexual lifestyle" and are not only living together but have adopted a foundling. If anyone still thinks that being homosexual is a choice and not just another variation of mankind like blue eyed blondes, I suggest a trip to the Berlin Zoo.

And I don't want to hear any snide jokes about penguins looking gay anyway. Anyone who watched Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan knows that it is the giraffes who look gay.

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at wendy@newyorkcool.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/April/ask.html

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http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/February/ask.html

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http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/September/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/August/ask.html

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http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2008/April/ask.html