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Ask Miss Wendy - Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice to New York's Sexually Challenged

Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo Credit: Stephen Mosher

February 28, 2010 (I am going to be dating my posts from now on):

Please help alleviate the suffering caused by the horrific earthquakes in Haiti and Chile. Please log onto the Red Cross and do what you can. Every little bit can make a difference.

Agyness Deyn
ELLE Style Awards 2010
Grand Connought Rooms, Covent Garden / London, UK
February 22, 2010
ESolarpix / PR Photos

Here is another blast from across the pond: London events are style contests, unlike events in New York City where the mantra "less is more" still resonates. Now not everyone can wear this look, you need to be tall and slim. But if you can, you should.

Lady Gaga
The Brit Awards 2010 - Arrivals
Earls Court / London, UK
October 16, 2010
Solarpix / PR Photos

Here's another You Got It Going Girl Awards for Lady Gaga- Miss Modern Art on the Hoof!

The Beat Goes On (Redux): Tiger Woods apologized to the nation yesterday and he did a pretty good job. Most notably he stated that he had felt entitled to do the things he did because of his fame - a pretty big admission. He also apologized to his wife, Elin, and stated that at no time had she hit him (the story about the golf club).

The only beef the talking heads have with him is that he did not apologize to the "mistresses" (which would have given the tabloids some column and talk show fodder for at least another week). Hello! Are any of these women stating that they did not know Tiger was a married man or that he did not pick them up in a bar? Any woman who gets all dolled up and hits the clubs to "hook up" with a celebrity knows exactly what she is in for. There are no victims in that posse and reading about how porn star Jocylyn James thinks Tiger owes her an apology is laughable.

It goes the other way HOS. If you want to participate in the apology game, open your mouth and apologize.

The Beat Goes On: Today Tiger Woods is going to apologize to the nation. Why? Because he ran around on his wife (a lot) and it appears that the man is a sleaze. But the news media (including this column) could not be happier. There are stories to write and talk to talk before the deed: Will it do any good? Will Elin be by his side?. Then there will be the apology and afterwards nights of: "Was it enough?" Should WE forgive him?

Wake up world! The only reason he is apologizing to us is the man wants his career back. But he never really lost it. Tiger is now one of the most famous men in the world. Memories are short and there are a million products he can plug. So he may never again be the SUV guy, but he'll be the Jaguar guy.

And as for the bevy of undulating harlots that came rushing forward to grab their fifteen minutes of fame. Someone needs to write a book about just where they are two years from now. It will be an updated version of the Scarlet Letter told through the prism of our supposedly "anything goes" society. But we are also a "googlelized" society and these ladies resumes will follow them for the rest of their lives. Sure there is always porn and some forms of reality tv - The Flavor of Love and Celebrity Rehab - but those fringe opportunities are not be enough to support a platoon of former nightclub hostesses (they won't be able to get THAT job anymore because they TALK!). Sure Rachel Uchitel got a job on Extra, but she is the one who did not TALK.

Here are some fun tips for a Valentine's Day with a twist of lime:

1. Those heart shaped red Russell Stover candy boxes are so tacky they're campy. So give away.

Times Square
Photo Credit Melinda Maclean

2. Red lingerie is only fun when it is trashy, think Times Square Street, not La Perla.

Photo Credit Evan Sung

3. For more camp, make plans to attend a burlesque show. Burlesque shows are not the strip shows you see in so-called "Gentlemen's Clubs." They are in the spirit of the musical Gypsy, not the nightly strutting on the stage at Scores.

www.brooklyngirl.com/littlebrooklyn/links.html

www.newyorkcool.com/archives/December2004/abouttown_3.html

Sweet and Nasty Burlesque

The Beat Goes On: The National Enquirer is reporting that John Edwards has asked Rielle Hunter (the mother of his two year old daughter) to marry him and is puchasing a three million dollar home for his new family. I really hope this story is not true. Edwards is married to a woman who has terminal breast cancer and he has three children from this marriage who are bound to read about this.

Yuck.

As they say in the slaughter house, "Raise your feet pardner, the shit is starting to flow."

"O would some power the gift to give us to see ourselves as others see us." Robert Burns.

Here is a reprint from my February 2009 Column:

Dear Miss Wendy,

It is Fashion Week! Please tell us: Is there sex during fashion week?

Sincerely,

Longing Fashionista

Dear Long,

Absolutely not. Everyone involved in Fashion Week is entirely too hungry and bitchy to be interested in sex.

See this quote from my February 2007 Column about sex during Fashion Week: "Well there will be a lot of pretty little things walking down the runway (see-through blouses with no bras, thongs peeping through voile for both men and women) but realistically, there will be no sex. The female models have not eaten in about a month and if propositioned would probably say something like, “Not now sweetie, but why don’t you just talk dirty to me while I do this line?” The male models have had a little more to eat and might be a little more interested, but are still likely to say something like, “Oh that’s nice, but why don’t you just get up and act as my spotter while I lift these weights?” And the designers will brush away any amorous efforts with a, “For heavens sake, darlings! If you really want to be useful, get off your knees and make a Starbucks run! Someone is going to trip over you and break a heel!” You see, everyone at Fashion Week is an ascetic, asexual alien; things are different in their world."

Here is a reprint from my February 2008 column:

Dear Miss Wendy,

I live in New York and my fiancée and I want to get married this spring. We both work but our families don't have any money to contribute to our wedding so we have been delaying our marriage for a couple of years now. The average (low scale) New York wedding costs $25,000 and I hate the idea of starting our married life in debt when we need to save for a house and put aside some money so we can have children.

Sincerely,

June Bride

Dear June,

Spending $25,000 on a wedding in New York is a complete waste of money and a total no-win game. All the snobs who are into that "kind of thing" will be noticing all the things you did not do as in: "Only four courses?" "The desert was the wedding cake?"

Having a charming wedding is more about taste than money. One of the most delightful weddings I have seen lately was in the film In Her Shoes and the wedding was held in a funky Jamaican restaurant with a garden in the back. So feel free to use your imagination, not your money. There are scads of charming little restaurants with backyard gardens in the East Village and Brooklyn. Find one and create your own fantasy with white Christmas lights, votive candles and huge vases of white flowers from the Farmers Market. Or funk it up in purple (purple dress, purple flowers, Prince singing "Purple Rain", Tinky Winky as ring bearer/flower girl), I don't care. Just make it your day, not the caterers and the florists.

After all, you live in New York so the hardest part was finding someone to marry. The wedding should be the easy part.

God Bless Sarah Palin: Dear ex-Governor Palin has jumped into the politically correct hay wagon professing to be profoundly offended that Rahm Emanuel said a group of liberal Democrats were fucking retarded. Now Palin has a baby who has Downs Syndrome, but I sincerely doubt he is liberal or a Democrat.

Periodically we gang up on certain words and decide that they no longer deserve to be words. And as soon as we hear that someone is offended by a word, nice people decide to quit using it because, why not? Someone is offended so quit. The Special Olympics has declared retarded to be a bad word, so off with its verbal head. But whenever we make this collective decision, we do need a bit of time for a learning curve. After all, it is not like the word retarded started out as a description of the mentally disabled and then moved to other connotations; it went the other way. The word began with a meaning of "make slow or hinder" and moved to be a description of of the mentally disabled. All of this information is in the dictionary or a thesaurus if Ms. Palin had deigned to open one.

All of this supposed outrage (rumor has it that Palin uses the R word herself when referring to her son) is Palin's latest attempt to feed the media sharks. Why pay a publicist when you can get loads of free press simply by portraying yourself as a victim - AGAIN!

But in the spirit of "She who lives in a glass house, should not throw stones," Ms. Palin should consider the practicality of setting herself up as a spokesperson for politically correct dialogue or for that matter, any kind of correct dialogue. Every time darling Sarah opens her mouth, out comes a word salad that would take a UN quality translator to unravel (does anyone else speak Palinese?)

This over rush of political correctness is exhausting. Should be now also banish the words imbecilic and moronic from the English language? Yeah, probably; they are much more closely attached to mental disability than the word retarded.


Rihanna PR Photos	Lady Gaga PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Rihanna and Lady Gaga have done it again. These two twenty-something divas channeled the spirit of Cher and Elton John to rock last night's Grammy Awards. MoMA simply must open a Costume Institute. Why should the Metropolitan Museum of Art have all the fun?

The Beat Goes On: There is bad news from the teen pregnancy front - a 3% rise in pregnancies over the last year (Washington Post). And there are recriminations and knashing of teeth about whether or not the Bush era mandated "abstinence only" sex education is at fault. Now all right thinking people would agree that delaying sexual activity (especially activity that results in pregnancy or STD's) is good for teens and for society. Non-pregnant girls and non-child-support-paying boys have more time to concentrate on their school work and after school activities that will help them progress with their lives. But as all writers and comedians are taught - know your audience. If you are teaching sex education to a group of poverty stricken teens who have no upwardly bound role models and little to look forward to in their lives other than "that baby looks awfully cute," you have to have Plan B. Yes, tell them it is better to delay sexual activity, but if you are not going to do that, here is the phone number of a nice lady at Planned Parenthood and here is how to use the kind or birth control you can purchase at the drug store (or truck stop). So there.

Hell Hath no Fury: In a sign that there is hope for the future of traditional media, YaVaughnie Wilkins, the jilted mistress of Oracle exec Charles Phillips, resorted to an old fashioned Times Square billboard in an attempt to embarrass her former married lover (it probably worked). But, she did include a link to her website, so there.

Ms. Wilkins website seems to be down (as are the bill boards), but if you are curious, The Daily Mail has kindly published most of the contents.

Amy Winehouse attends a July 2009 Court Appearance
PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Once again at a court appearance January 20, 2009 in Milton Keynes Magistrates' Court in Buckinghamshire, England, darling Amy Winehouse has avoided jail time for drunken and disorderly conduct (see People.com). But the really bizarre element from this story is that Miss Winehouse had consumed five vodka and cokes when she became involved in an altercation over whether or not she could have a sixth. Vodka and coke? Miss Winehouse and her beloved beehive are circling the drain.

Lady GaGa
2010 International Consumer Electronics Show
"Monster and Beats" by Dr. Dre Announce
"Heart Beats by Lady GaGa" Headphones
Las Vegas, NV, USA
January 7, 2010
PRN / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is a You Got It Going Girl Award to Lady Gaga. Now Gaga is one gal who knows how to keep the excess in success and the show in show business.

Photo Courtesy of the American Red Cross

Appeal for Haiti: Please text the word Haiti to 90999 to give $10 to the American Red Cross. You can also log onto the Red Cross and give money online by credit card: american.redcross.org. Both methods, giving by text or credit card, delivers the money to the relief effort immediately. Please do what you can. If everyone who reads this appeal makes a donation, we can make a difference and help relieve their suffering.

Call to Arms: Please help the citizens of Haiti whose lives have been devastated by a massive earthquake. They are homeless, thirsty and hungry and the injured are in make shift hospitals with inadequate personnel and supplies. And they are the lucky ones; others are still trapped under buildings, including small children (kindergartens, nurseries and orphanages collapsed). Please can log onto the Red Cross and give money online: american.redcross.org

Please do what you can. If everyone who reads this appeal makes a donation, we can make a difference and help relieve their suffering.

The Beat Goes On: Sarah Palin has accepted a job as a political commentator for Fox News. Check out her utterly hilarious quote about her new gig: "“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,’’ Palin said in a statement posted yesterday on the Fox News website. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.’’

And in the spirit of "I told you so," here is an entry from my column back in July regarding her resignation: "Today Sarah Palin announced to an utterly speechless nation that she is resigning from her job as Governor of Alaska. Immediately all the political wags started to wag; what is she doing and why? Well the simplest explanation is that she got a better offer, perhaps a talk show on h'm......Fox And Palin has three school age children who need to be enrolled in schools this fall, so if she is going to move, she needs to do it in the summer.

The likely impetus for the resignation (and the possible Fox job) is that Palin was exposed to the glamour of the Republican world (the rich kid's playground) during the Presidential campaign and now she wants to see more. Alaska most have been a real let down after the rush of the campaign with its stays in four star hotels, trips to Neimans and Saks, make up artists, hair stylists and hot-and-cold-running-millionaires.

Being governor of Alaska pays $125,000 and Palin is a lady with five kids who now has a Saks habit. You do the math."

Ruminations on Senator Harry Reid: The talk shows are all atwitter about Senator Reid's remarks about the then Senator Obama's chances to be elected President. According to the about to be published book, John Heilemann and Mark Halperin's Game Change (see New York Times review), Reid said regarding Obama that: “the country was ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama — a 'light-skinned’ African American ‘with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."

No one will ever have truly equal rights in this country until talking about who and what we are is not considered a dirty word. There is so much condescension and paternalism in all this criticism. There is an unspoken standard in America that the only correct way to be, look and talk is "white newscaster." And since all other forms of being are assumed to be inferior, any mention of such differences is considered to be rude and degrading. In the words of the Mary Mitchell in the Chicago Sun Times, "Reid's conversation about Obama was not racist. It was racial.Too often we confuse the two. When we do, we make it even more difficult for reasonable people to have a civil conversation about race. A racial comment is about race. A racist comment is a negative comment about race."

It is highly insulting to assume the the dialect and appearance of any group is so inferior to the dialect and appearance of white newscasters, that even mentioning the difference is reason for someone to resign from their job.

The Beat Goes On: People Magazine is reporting that Jon Goselin has a new girlfriend. Now if you go to any mall in America and take a look around, you can easily conclude that anyone can get married. And if you follow Jon Goselin's love life, you can also conclude that almost anyone can get a date.In the words of P. T. Barnum, "There's a sucker born every minute."

Bette Midler
The Saga of Baby Divine Book Signing
Caesars Palace in Las Vegas
January 6, 2010
PRN / PR Photos

The Beat Goes On: Here is one of Miss Wendy's "You Got It Going Girl Awards" for Miss Bette Midler who was recently in Las Vegas's Caesars Palace, plugging a children's book she wrote back in 1983, The Saga of Baby Divine.

The campiness of this bit is overwhelming - The Divine Miss M, a children's book, Caesar's Palace. So here's one for all you retro hip parents - click and buy.

The Beat Goes On: Elton John just announced that he has been helping Eminen fight his drug addiction. They say addiction makes for strange bedfellow and the same must go for recovery. But many kudos to Eminen for thinking "outside the box" and getting the job done.

The tabloids are also in a twitter over whether that was Elin Woods they saw skiing in Switzerland or her twin sister Josefina (you could only see a nose and mouth with all the ski gear). And was that a wedding ring on her hand (where were the ski gloves?) or not? The Tiger Woods scandal is fun for the entire family and the world is breathlessly waiting for the latest development.

And that fun-loving couple Charlie Sheen and his embattled wife, Brooke Mueller, have petitioned the court to remove the restraining order so they can move back in together. The courts said no. Hmm! Well, even if they are not living together, this story should have a shelf life of few more weeks.

Happy New Year!

Here is wish for a happy and prosperous (it's about time) 2010!

Miss Wendy's gratitude list for 2009!

1. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan give thanks to the many politicians and other celebrities who graciously dropped trou in 2009 and kicked Young Hollywood off the front page of the Enquirer (or maybe not).

2. Former Presidential candidate John Edwards gives thanks to Nevada Senator John Ensign for supplying the media with a sordid affair/scandal that supplanted the story of Edward's affair and "possible" love child.

2. Senator Ensign graciously thanks South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford for making an ass of himself with his silly emoting about his passion for his "soul mate" and "trying to fall back in love" with the mother of his four children.

3. Governor Mark Sanford gives thanks to Tiger Woods for burning his billion dollar endorsement business on a pyre of bimbos, putting Sanford's "hound dogging" in perspective.

4. Tiger Woods gives thanks to Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller for getting drunk and calling the cops on Christmas Day (while their nine month old twins slept in the next room), kicking Tiger's scandal off the front pages.

5. Former Governor Sarah Palin gives thanks to everyone else who made an ass of themselves this year and gave her a momentary respite from the media so she could deal with her everyday craziness - beating up on Levi, resigning from her job, developing her own language, etc. etc.

6. Miss Wendy graciously thanks all of the above for supplying her with fodder for her column. What would I do without you?

Happy New Year!

Do you have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at wendy@newyorkcool.com

All of Miss Wendy's old columns are in the New York Cool Archive Section:

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/December/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/November/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/October/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/September/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/August/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/July /ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/June/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/May/ask.html

http://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/April/ask.html

htttp://www.newyorkcool.com/archives/2009/March/ask.html