New York Cool Drinks
Recapping the Fifth Season of
HBO's True Blood
(Recaps in Chronological Descending Order
Most Recent First)
Written by Wendy R. Williams
Season V Episode 12
Bon Temps Gang with Sookie, Jason, Eric, Nora, Tara,
Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin:
The episode begins where we left off last week -
Russell has drained the Elder Fairy and he can now
see Hot Wings with its menu of tasty fairies. The
fairies collectively zap him, he advances, they
continue to zap him, he continues to advance, chortling
with glee that their light only tickles him. Well,
it doesn't tickle him for long, because Eric swoops
in, grabs Russell from behind and stakes him. Russell
dissolves into goo, but as he is goo-ifying we see
the fairy light inside him crackle and disintegrate.
So that what a lit-up vamp looks like when he dies.
Steven Newlin sees Eric with Russell, screeches
and high-tails it out of there. Reverend Newlin
is now officially living in the wind and I doubt
Sarah will take him back.
Sookie runs out of the club to check on the unconscious
Jason, against the wishes of her fellow fairies
who see the other vampires in the field.
Nora vamp speeds to Eric and is immediately enchanted
by the fairy smell in the field. She chases after
Sookie, only to be restrained by Eric. Nora asks
Eric just what Sookie is and Eric hysterically replies
that, "She's a waitress, a waitress who's saved
my life more than once and whose fear vibe very
graciously brought me here tonight, allowing me
to settle an ancient debt. And thank you for that."
Eric looks at Sookie with such a sweet look and
she smiles right back at him and then turns her
back on the vamps to tend to Jason. This was such
a wonderful moment for Eric and Sookie; they had
a lot to celebrate now that, "Ding Dong! The
vamp/witch is dead." Also, Sookie is obviously
not at all worried about her safety now that Eric
is there, thus the turning her back on Nora.
Nora strains at her Eric/leash, saying that she
wants Sookie. But Eric prevails, making Nora promise
on Godric that she will not harm Sookie.
Eric and Nora arrive at Fangtasia (Nora is still
carrying on about how she never knew there were
fairies) and Tara tells them that Pam has been arrested
and taken to The Authority (she must have mentioned
Jessica too, but we don't hear that). The three
of them go to the dungeon and pull out some portable
coffins and Eric digs into the wall and takes out
a huge amount of cash which he plans on stashing
someplace safe. (Eric must not trust the banking
system, wonder why?) Tara does not think the plastic
coffins look light tight but she is assured that
they are. Tara still thinks they look like Tupperware.
(Hey, Tara. Tupperware has a magic seal.)
Nora says they are insane to go back into The Authority
and Eric replies that Pam is my progeny, she's family.
Nora is unimpressed because she says Pam was a former
prostitute? Huh? Nora has a moral code? Who knew?
Eric also tells Nora to be nice to Tara as she is
family too. This brother/sister bickering looks
like it is going to be fun.
We are at Sookie's house and it is the preview scene.
Jason is sitting in the chair facing Sookie who
is on the couch. Jason sees Sookie but he also sees
his ghost parents sitting on each side of his sister.
It appears that Jason's ghost parents are now vampire
haters (they do have a reason). Sookie thinks Jason
is acting very strangely since he was zapped by
the Fairy Elder's light and she wonders if he can
even hear her. But she is not going to get an answer
to that question, because Eric vamp speeds into
her house accompanied by Nora and Tara. Sookie is
pleased to see Tara; Tara not so much. This home
invasion reminds Sookie that Eric never signed her
house back into her name, so she asks him about
it and he promises to do so the first thing tomorrow
night, if they survive the night. Sookie is like,
Eric tells Sookie
that The Authority has Bill, Jessica and Pam and
he wants her to go to there with him to get them
out. Jason says something along the line of "no
way Jose" and tells Sookie that she needs to
tell these fangers to go back to hell where they
came from. Eric, who remembers being told just that
at the end of Season III, starts to laugh. Jason
takes offense and he and Eric start a verbal bitch
slapping session. Sookie tells them to quit acting
like children. Nora is standing next to Eric, she
is sniffing Sookie's scent and has a rapturous look
on her face. Nora tells Sookie that she smells like
something she once dreamed of and Sookie matter-of-factly
asks Eric to tell his sister to not look at her
like that. This was utterly hysterical and perhaps
a set-up for a new Season VI love triangle? What
to do when your bi sister who likes to sleep with
you also wants to sleep with your girl friend? This
should be fun for the entire family.
Sookie then tells
Eric that she knows that vampires are behind the
true blood factory bombings and Eric tells her that
Bill was responsible and that Bill wanted vampires
to be forced to feed on humans. Sookie and Jason
are both devastated to hear that their former neighbor
is a war criminal. Well? Sookie agrees to go with
Eric and Jason insists that he will go with her
(the ghost of his father encourages him by telling
him to just think about how many vampires he will
be able to kill). Eric tells Jason to not be a fool
and Jason gets in his face and says that he is an
American and he has a right to be a fool. I just
love Jason and I think Eric is starting to like
Jason and Sookie are at the back entrance of the
Bon Temp Stake House, which is locked and covered
with crime tape. Jason and Sookie are tying a tarp
over the back of Jason's truck bed which is transporting
three coffins. Sookie tells him to be careful with
his cargo, but Jason just does not care. Sookie
keeps arguing with him that the vampires in those
coffins are on their side. Jason breaks into the
Stake House and they load up on stakes, guns, wooden
bullets, cross bows and wooden arrows. His ghost
parents are also at the Stake House and egg him
on telling him that his baby sister is deluded.
These ghost parents seem more and more scripted
by what is going on in Jason's head.
It is night and Jason is driving his truck to New
Orleans with Sookie riding shot gun. They have a
philosophical discussion about life, Jason saying
he has always fallen for women that are unavailable.
He think that maybe Sook and he just don't think
they deserve something good and they would be better
off if they expect the worse. Sook, naturally does
not agree with this gloom and doom, but before she
is able to uplift the conversation, Eric interrupts.
He is now on the roof of the truck cab and sticks
his upside down head in the window and tells them
to pull over.
Eric drives Jason's truck into The Authority compound
with Nora riding shot gun. Jason, Sookie and Tara
are tied up and gagged in the truck bed (I would
have loved to have heard the conversation when Eric
explained to them that their being trussed up in
the back of the truck was a good idea). A guard
stops them and calls ahead to get permission for
them to enter. The guard asks about their cargo
and Eric replies that the vampire is a mainstreaming
spy and the humans are lunch. The guard remarks
that the blonde smells amazing to which Eric replies
that she is pretty amazing and she is his. Nora
glowers. Bill is on his laptop and he gives permission
for them to enter and as Bill watches the truck
drive by, he sees Sookie in the back.
We will catch up with this
gang right after I recap what was going on at The
The Authority with Bill,
Salome, Sam, Nora, Emma/Pup and a Bunch of Disposable
It's lunch time at The Authority. The guards bring
naked Sam to Bill. Sam's hands are tied and strategically
placed over his privates. Bill tells the guards
that they have brought him a shifter and don't they
know the difference? Bill asks them to ungag Sam,
who then tells Bill that Steve Newlin kidnapped
his girlfriend's eight year old daughter and that
all they want to do is get her and get out. But
A**hole Bill says that Sam knows too much and fangs
up to kill him as Sam bugs out. Bill hysterically
flies around the room, landing on the chandelier,
trying to catch a fly, but all to no avail as Sam
has flown into the ventilation shaft. P. S. This
is another lie Bill told Sookie: he obviously can
fly, not just levitate like he did with Sophie Anne.
Bill assembles the guards and lectures them about
how they have had a breach and tells them to scour
The Authority for rats, bugs, mice etc. They are
to kill anything they find and if it does not shift
back into a human when it dies, they are to continue
Salome is sitting in the room watching little Adolf
instruct the troops. After they leave, she asks
Bill if he has seen Kwebe. Bills tells her he killed
Kwebe because Kwebe said that he was the chosen
one and Kwebe was going to drink all the blood,
but that Lilith had appeared to Bill and told him
that Salome was the chosen one - the prophet for
the new age. Salome buys this load of Billsh*t.
We see The Authority jail, which is filled with
naked humans who are crying in fear. Naked Luna
is sitting in the corner of the cell, next to the
cell which has Emma/Pup in her crate. Bug Sam flies
into the cell, shifts back and tells Luna that he
has looked around the place and it is huge and filled
with surveillance cameras. He tells Luna that if
they come for her, she is to shift and hide in the
ventilation ducts. Luna says she will not leave
Emma, but Sam reassures her that they will come
back for Emma and then Sam is off to buzz around
The Authority some more.
Pam and Jessica are locked in the vamp part of The
Authority jail. Jessica tells Pam that Eric and
Bill had a religious conversion and she has seen
it all before in her human life; one of her uncles
told his small children there was no Santa Claus
so Jesus would have no competition. She also cannot
believe that Eric and Bill would allow Russell to
leave to kill Sookie without trying to help her
just because the Vampyr Bible says that fairies
are an abomination. Pam sees some redeeming aspect
to the Vampyr Bible.
Sam is buzzing around The Authority and he see Bill
in bed with Salome. There was nothing really interesting
here as Bill still needs to order some sexual technique
books off the internet. Next he visits Steve Newlin's
empty room where he see his Authority suit and his
badge. AHA! An idea.
"Steve Newlin" arrives in the cell block
to pick up his pup who he cuddles just like he was
her mother. Steve and pup go to reception area where
they try to exit and are thwarted by Chelsea, the
receptionist, who first wants to chat about acing
a statistics test and then wonders what happened
to Steve's Southern accent (Hey, what kind of accent
does Luna have?). But Stevie and Emma Pup never
make it out, because they are accosted by Rosalyn
who is utterly furious with Steve for being so foolish
as to be taped while eating frat boys. Rosalyn tells
Steve that he needs to go to the media room, get
on air and deny this ever happened, right now. And
off they go.
Rosalyn is holding Emma/Pup and bullying Steve/Luna.
There is a teleprompter in place. We see the television
station announcer on TV talking about the tape of
Steve and Russell enjoying a pot luck supper at
the frat house and then the announcer pans to "Steve"
for comment. But amazingly enough, this Steve is
tongue-tied and cannot follow the teleprompter and
it gets worse. Steve suddenly vomits on camera and
then turns into Luna and announces to the world
that vampires are holding humans in an underground
bunker somewhere in New Orleans. And that is a big
Ut Oh because there must be almost no basements
in New Orleans since New Orleans is below sea level.
I wonder how long it will take the real authorities
to figure out just where the vampires are hiding
and doesn't the army know where they are anyway?
Rosalyn opens her mouth to flash fang and kill Luna,
but my oh my, "She swallows a fly. Perhaps
she'll die." And she does. Sam shifts back
inside Rosalyn, exploding and killing her which
was just wonderful. Next we see a bloody Sam watch
Luna collapse but guess what, Sam just happens to
be covered in healing vampire blood.
The Authority with Everyone
Who Made it to New Orleans Plus Those Who Were Already
Eric, Nora, Sookie, Jason and Tara are in the elevator
(Sookie, Jason and Tara have been untied and armed).
When the elevator door opens, Jason immediately
kills poor Chelsea who has time to set off the alarm
before she dies. Jason jumps behind her desk and
proceeds to Rambo all the vampires who come to the
rescue and there is are a lot of resulting goo.
The rest of the rescue squad runs into The Authority.
Next we see Eric and Nora hovering on the ceiling
of The Authority chamber as the Vampire Storm troopers
march through in lock step. Eric gives the signal
and they kill all the storm troopers. I bet it is
going to be hard to recruit new storm troopers next
Eric and Nora run to the control room and start
bickering over how to use the lap top, but Nora
finally convinces him that she knows how to disable
a system she designed.
Sookie and Tara find Jessica and Pam in the Vampire
jail. As soon as the system is disabled, Sookie
opens Jessica's cell door and Tara pulls open Pam's
silver door (ouch) and runs in and kisses Pam. Sookie
and Jessica stare. Sook says, "Well, okay."
And Jessica whoops, "I knew it."
Salome is in her room dressed in a white gown and
holding the vial of blood. Bill enters and remarks
that she looks ready to put on quite a ceremony.
Salome says that she knows Bill wishes Lilith had
chosen him, but God chose the strongest one. Bill
asks her if she is sure she wants to go ahead, as
drinking the blood may change her. Salome says she
is ready for the rapture so she drinks the blood
and immediately becomes ill - there was silver in
the blood. Now we see again what a sadistic piece
of sh*t Bill can be (remember how he enjoyed killing
Sophie Anne) as he watches Salome writhing on the
floor and makes fun of how she was so impatient
for her rapture that she drank the blood without
smelling it. He says that she is a victim of her
monumental narcissism (pot and kettle time here,
Bill). Bill has a stake in his hand, but he drags
out the moment, enjoying Salome's suffering. Salome
can't believe Bill poured silver into Lilith's blood,
but Bill shows her another vial where the real blood
is contained. He straddles her and prepares to stake
her. Salome says that Lilith chose well and that
is the end of Salome. Bill would be a good candidate
for a Survivor TV show.
Jason is still in the reception room when Sookie,
Tara, Pam, Eric, Nora and Jessica arrive. Jessica
runs to Jason and hugs him, telling him how sorry
she is and that she loves him. Jason replies that
he can never love a vampire. This was very sad;
Jessica is having a very bad week. Everyone gets
on the elevator except Eric and Sookie. Eric tells
them to re-arm, that guards will be waiting for
them when they exit. Jason and Pam realize that
Eric and Sookie are not going with them and protest,
but to no avail as the E & S team are determined
to save Bill.
Eric and Sookie arrive in Salome's bed chamber just
as Bill is about to drink the blood. Bill assumes
that Eric has come for the blood so Eric can be
the chosen one, but Eric begs Bill to throw the
blood in the fire. Sookie pleads with Bill not to
drink the blood, saying that this is not the man
she knew and loved. She tells Bill that he was unique
among all the vampires she's met and that he had
the capacity to be generous and kind. Bill replies,
“What the f*ck do you know about me? For all
you know, everything I did while with you was an
act, calculated to elicit a particular response.
(Sookie tells him that she knows that is not true)
Why because of the light you bear? Have you ever
considered the possibility that it is a handicap?
One that blinds you to the most obvious of truths:
that you are an abomination, just like the vampire
bible states." Bill continues ranting, quoting
scripture about how vampires are superior to all
other creatures, who only exist to nurture them.
Sookie persists: she pleads with him, saying that
if he ever cared about her, he would not drink the
blood. Bill then sticks in the final dagger saying
that "I told you the first night we met that
vampires often turn on those they love the most."
He proceeds to drink the blood and Sookie runs behind
Eric. But then something very strange happens, Bill
starts to bleed all over his body and disintegrates
into a bloody mess. Sookie runs to Eric and buries
her head in his chest and starts to sob. Eric seems
both horrified by Bill's apparent death and elated
that Sookie turned to him for comfort. But there
is not much time for any kind of realizations because
just then Bilith arises from the blood. It is Bill
covered in blood and he has extremely long fangs.
Eric yells run and they are off and the season is
Bonus Scene: The
other vampires plus Jason are in the elevator, getting
ready to fight their way out of the compound. Jason's
ghost parents are also with him and his Dad tells
him that there are four more vamps in the elevator
that he can kill to avenge his parent's deaths at
the hands of Warlow. But Jason does not take him
up on the bait so there is some hope for Jason's
heart. The door opens and Jason/Rambo kills one
vamp and is racing up the stairs yelling, "I'm
coming for you, Warlow!" when Nora stops him
and asks, "How do you know Warlow?" That
was wonderful and a real teaser for Season VI.
Here are the other episode
Alcide, his Dad, Martha,
Ricki and JD:
Alcide and his Dad are still at Dad's trailer. They
have killed a deer and are barbecuing and talking
when Martha pulls up with a crazed Terri in the
back seat. Alcide pulls Terri out of the car and
Martha tells him that they forced Terri to drink
vampire blood and that she, Martha, is afraid that
Terri has overdosed. Alcide carries Terri into the
trailer and his father feeds her a V antidote (colloidal
silver) which makes her sweat out the blood. In
the background, the TV is playing a tape of Russell,
Steve and the twelve frat boys. That sounds like
a gay porn, but it wasn't. Terri tells Alcide that
JD called a pack meeting and when she got there,
they held all the "no blood drinking"
vamps down and force fed them V. Alcide asks if
anything else happened. Terri is too mad at Alcide
about the fact that he left town and never called
her to tell her where he was, that she refuses to
tell him what happened next. But Alcide persists
and she finally says that it was "all"
for her, but not for some of the younger girls.
Alcide is thoroughly disgusted and says if JD was
not on V, he would kick his ass. But because JD
is on V, the last time Alcide tried to kill him,
he (Alcide) nearly died. His father tells him that
he needs to fight fire with fire and Dad has a vial
of really good V which he uses from time to time
when someone wants to kill him, which I imagine
comes up now and again.
Alcide and his Dad arrive at the clearing where
JD has strung up a screaming baby vampire by silver
chains and is cutting him and drinking the vamp
blood. (It was a former middle-aged man, but a baby
vamp since he was just turned.) Alcide attacks JD
while Dad and Martha hold off the other werewolves.
Alcide has JD on the ground and he is pummeling
the hell out of him when his Dad tells him he won
the fight. But Alcide does not think so; he reaches
down and breaks JD's neck. (Methinks Alcide drank
Dad's potion). All the other wolves bow down and
Alcide tells them that it ends right now. From now
on we will respect ourselves. No more V, no more
taking advantage of the weak (gesturing to the baby
vamp hanging in the trees) and if anyone does not
like that, they have 24 hours to get out or they
can fight him right now. "Tonight, we chose
Merlotte's with Lafayette,
Holly, Arlene, Andy, Murella and Jane Bodehouse:
Lafayette has created some pretty potent drinks
for himself, Arlene and Holly. Arlene is nervous
because it is close to sundown (I guess all businesses
are closing at sundown), but she decides to stay
and party a bit. Andy arrives with a very pregnant
Murella. He asks Murella to sit in a booth while
he talks to his friend. Murella says that will be
fine, but would he give her some salt, so Andy gives
her a container of salt which Murella proceeds to
pour down her throat. No one pays attention. Jane
Boathouse is seated at the bar and she is drunk
as usual; she tells Andy that they have slept together
which Andy denies. Holly says it better not be true
because they shared something special and if he
slept with Jane, it would not be special anymore.
Andy asks Holly to go with him so they can talk
privately. Holly gets an "oh no" look
on her face. They walk over to the "nooner"
pool table and the first thing Holly asks Andy is
who and how many times. Andy confesses to twice,
once before they were together and once after the
Facebutt incident. And now Murella is pregnant and
she refuses to go to the hospital because she says
fairies don't give birth in a hospital. Holly is
incensed and is about to take Andy to task when
suddenly she sees Murella standing in the middle
of the room announcing that her light broke and
sure enough her baby making machine is all lit up.
Murella is lying on the pool table and Holly is
delivering her baby. Murella is going strong and
it looks like it will be over soon. Holly remarks
that this must not be Murella's first pregnancy
and it's not. According to Murella, she has done
this 73 times since she learned how. There were
so many hysterical lines in this scene, like Arlene
asking, "Who knew watching an alien give birth
could be so comforting?" And Lafayette replying,
"You kidding me? It's always the weird stuff
that is the best." But the funniest part to
watch was Lafayette, Jane Bodehouse and Arlene perched
on bar stools, watching and enjoying the show. And
what a show it was. Fairies giving birth is obviously
an orgasmic experience and Murella is one multi-orgasmic
girl. She hit her high four times, birthing four
daughters, none with umbilical cords and we will
find out what that means in just a moment. Once
Murella screamed so loud (in ecstasy) that she broke
a beer bottle. But as soon as Murella is done with
her baby birthing business, she hops off the table,
pulls down her dress and tells the totally baffled
Andy that the quadruplets are his and with a "Goodbye,
Andy Bellefleur," she is off. See, no umbilical
cord. Holly looks Andy in the eye and tells him
that he is a dick (he most certainly has one). But
something tells me that Holly will reconsider her
sentiments because she just helped bring into the
world four beautiful baby girls who don't have a
mother. And just how much help do you think Andy's
sister Portia or Arlene's daughter Lisa can or will
It certainly looks like Sookie and Eric will be
back together next season regardless of how anti-vamp
Jason has become. Nothing was said about their reunion
in this episode, it was just obvious that they are
now a couple.
I have been anti-Bill since the end of Season III
when all of my previous niggling doubts about his
character were explained by the Ratray reveal. But
Stephen Moyer did such a brilliant job of portraying
Bill's downfall that now I actually feel sorry for
him. Bill is so obviously totally devoid of character;
he can only pretend to be someone else because there
is nothing inside him, no true identity. Before,
when he was with Sookie, he seemed to have adopted
a moral code the way a tourist who spends three
months in a foreign land would pick up some of the
language. But now he thinks he has found a religion
that tells him that God wants him to be a monster
and he has become a true believer. And since this
is True Blood, we know this belief will
last about 30 minutes into Episode 1 of Season VI
and then Bill will be lost again and he will be
really lost this time, because he now has no maker
(big loss there), no progeny and no friends. Plus
he will be a hunted man.
Two small notes about
Bill and whether all of his "borrowed"
humanity is really gone: Bill did not attack Sookie
when she was pleading with him and he misquoted
himself when he said that the night he met he had
told her that, "Vampires sometimes turn on
those they love the most." The actual quote
from the night they met was, "Vampires sometimes
turn on those who trust them." This was one
I really hope they develop the story of the four
half fairy babies, but have no idea how they will
do so. But what a fun idea.
I really hope Nora
survives into next season. Her relationship with
Eric, Pam, Tara and Sookie is comedy gold.
So over and out and
see you next season.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V Episode 11
Episode 11 drove the
True Blood roller coaster to the pinnacle.
Here is what happened to all our happy campers in
the next-to-last-episode of Season V.
The Authority with Bill,
Eric, Salome, Eric, Kwebe, Rosalyn, General Cavanaugh,
Jessica, Jason, Sam/Mouse, Luna/Mouse and Emma/Pup:
Bill is creeping about the
Authority Chamber when suddenly he hears a siren's
song; Mamma Lilith is summoning her darling baby
boy Bill. The doors to the inner sanctum open and
there she is - naked Lilith with her blood-soaked
you-know-what. Lilith tells Bill that, "Only
one can lead us. I choose you. Drink the blood,
drink all of it." And then she is gone and
there is a bloody hand print on the glass case.
Nora is sitting on a couch in the Council room,
thinking about what Godric told her. Salome arrives
to tell her that General Cavanaugh is coming to
talk to them. Salome notices something different
about Nora and asks if she has doubts. Nora just
says no, she is just worried about Russell. Salome
reassures Nora that Russell is insignificant and
that the plan that she and Nora made to take over
the world has come to fruition and in the darkness
they will rejoice. Nora kisses Salome (Judas kiss,
anyone?) and says that she will alert the others
about the meeting with General Cavanaugh.
Jessica enters Salome's rooom,
looking for Bill's phone (her phone is not working
underground), but she is quickly discovered by Bill.
Jessica asks if she can use the phone and when Bill
asks why, she tells him that Russell and Steve are
loose and she had to pull Steve off Jason twice
and she needs to call Jason and warn him that he
and Sookie are in danger. Bill refuses to let her
use the phone and explains that humans are only
food and that he made himself miserable worrying
about human's feeling and their problems. Jessica
replies that you don't mean that, but Bill does
mean just that. Jessica then offers to make Jason
a vampire. Bill sarcastically asks “Do you
think I’m an idiot? Do you think you can manipulate
me with your foolish lies?” But then he tells
her she has to make Jason a vampire as sometime
soon he may need their blood line. He then sends
two vampires with her with instructions that they
are to be sure his progeny turns one Jason Stackhouse.
Eric is pacing in his room like a caged lion, frantic
with worry. Nora enters and they embrace. They quickly
have sad, intense sex - two damaged people/vampires
who desperately need to connect. Nora begs Eric
to forgive her and asks what are they going to do?
Eric assures her that he will get them out of here.
General Cavanaugh arrives at The Authority with
a caravan of vehicles and an entourage of guards.
He enters the sanctuary and demands to see Roman.
The chancellors tell him that Roman is not available.
but the General is not buying it. He says he has
been trying to reach Roman for days and that he
knows that vampires bombed the True Blood factories.
Rosalyn denies that and he tells her to not bull
sh*t a bull sh*tter. The General is furious and
tells them that he had an agreement with Roman and
that agreement was mainstreaming and they should
know that the military has plans to take them (the
vampires) out. He threatens them, saying that the
government has weapons they cannot even imagine
and humans own the day. Bill then tells him that
Roman is no longer with us and Eric sarcastically
says that Roman could not get with the program so
he had to go. Nora tells him that they are a sanguinista
regime now and Bill suggests that since the General
seems to be a practical man, he had better get on
board with their new agenda. (That's eating humans,
Bill! Are you serious?). The General then pulls
his trump card - he has a video of Russell and Steve
eating twelve members of a fraternity and if anything
happens to him, the video goes viral. He reminds
them that Roman promised the President of the United
States that Russell Edgington was dead and if the
video is seen, all humans will rise up against them.
Suddenly they are listening, but still arrogant.
The General turns to leave and just as he is about
to reach the door, Eric is in front of him. The
General says, "Oh, God." To which Eric
replies, "God is a vampire," and kills
Afterwards, there is chaos in The Authority room.
Salome and Kwebe are furious that Eric killed the
General, but Rosalyn is pleased. Eric just says
that the General was a dick. But they all know that
a lot has to be done to contain what just happened.
Nora says she can fix this - she knows the General's
second in command and she and Eric will reach him
and obtain the tapes before they can be distributed.
Salome tells them to do it, but Bill, suspecting
something else may be going on, tells them to take
a security detail, as they might need the backup.
Eric agrees and Bill says he will glamour the General's
entourage. It is very obvious that Bill realizes
that Eric and Nora are leaving for good and there
is very little he can do about it.
Jason arrives home and sees Jessica and her two
vampire guards. Jessica tells Jason to trust her
and Jason looks confused as usual. The vampire guards
just want her to hurry up as they need to get them
in the ground. Jessica looks Jason in the eye and
tells him one more time to trust her and then she
bites him while he screams. Later we see Jessica
and Jason in a grave. Jessica has her arms wrapped
around Jason and she is telling him that she is
so sorry. The guards are throwing dirt on them,
but they look away for a moment to converse about
stopping for a snack (I guess seeing Jessica eat
made them hungry) which was a bad time to be distracted
from the task at hand because Jessica tells Jason,
"Now," and Jason shoots the guards with
wooden bullets and they explode. Well I guess that
settles the argument about whether or not Bill's
releasing Jessica ever took. It sure did because
she just disobeyed his direct order and good for
Jessica tells a furious Jason that she tried to
not take too much blood and then she tells him that,
"I know this wasn't real, but if I was going
to have to spend eternity with someone, you would
be the one. I wasn't faking that part."
But Jason isn't interested in Jessica's romantic
declaration; he has other concerns. He quickly leaves
to warn Sookie that Russell is out and Bill and
Eric are now crazy. My heart just broke for Jessica
in this episode.
Eric and Nora are in the backseat of a limousine,
supposedly heading to the airport and I guess Washington
D.C. The usual Steven Newlin's nonsense is braying
from the radio. The car stops at a red light and
Eric asks if he can change the station. He reaches
forward to the front seat, breaks off the steering
wheel and stakes the two front seat vamps. Eric
and Nora climb out of the car. There is a symphony
playing in the background - I think Mozart's "Requiem."
They smile at each other, Norah pulls off her Authority
necklace and they fly away.
Back at The Authority, we see two mice scurry about
Bill sees Lilith again with her
life affirming message of how only one can lead
us and he is the chosen one and for him to drink
the blood, all of it. He resists a little less this
time and Lilith puts some of her blood on his lips.
Bill opens his arms and rejoices.
Sam and Luna find The Authority jail, which is filled
with naked humans plus Emma Pup, all locked in cells.
Sam and Luna shift back to naked humans. Luna quickly
tells Emma not to shift. Just then the guards arrive
to see two naked prisoners who have somehow escaped
their cell. The guards are putting Sam and Luna
"back in their cell" when one of the guards
announces that Mr. Compton wants his breakfast and
Sam volunteers to go, telling Luna to do what she
has to do. On the way to be Mr. Compton's breakfast,
Sam see Pam being dragged into the prison and they
both do a "What the f*ck are you doing here?"
Sam tells Pam to help Luna to which Pam replies,
"Who the hell is Luna?"
Bill enters the Vampyr holy of holies and finds
Kwebe on his knees worshipping the vial of blood.
Kwebe announces that Lilith appeared to him and
that he, Kwebe, is the chosen one. Bill disagrees,
so he rips off Kwebe's head and hides his goo in
the reflecting pool surrounding the glass case.
Bill hears that Jessica is back and he confronts
her about killing the two vampires and letting Jason
go. Jessica replies that he did the same thing for
Sookie. And Bill tells her that he was wrong to
chose a human over a vampire. Jessica tells him
that Pam says that you are in a nest and it is making
you crazy. Bill viciously knocks Jessica across
the room telling her "Who are you to defy me?
I am the chosen one."
Lilith appears to Salome with the same song and
dance she just sold Bill and Kwebe. And now that
Rosalyn is back at The Authority, I bet she is just
about to be annointed Lilith Queen for the Day too.
Sookie, The Fairies, Jason,
The Fairy Elder, Russell and Steve:
Sookie and Jason are seated in the fairy club while
Sookie waits to talk to the Fairy Elder. She tells
Jason about "rude ectoplasm Warlow's"
trip to her bathroom which Jason and all the viewers
agree was creepy. But Jason has to leave because
of all the vampire problems and the other cops calling
in sick (I wonder why?).
Sookie is standing with a group of fairies, just
about to meet with the Fairy Elder. Murella advises
her that the Fairy Elder has lived a long time and
her brain is basically full, so it skips around
her various frequencies. (Murella just described
the average New Yorker.) The fairies surrounding
Sookie make some kind of gesture and the Fairy Elder
appears. Claude and his sister bow and Sookie attempts
an awkward curtsy which was incredibly cute (she
was dressed in a pretty pink party dress).
Sookie wants information about the pact, but the
Fairy Elder is only interested in discussing the
issue of our times: Ke$ha
- for or against? Is she a singer or just a poet
who cannot spell? Sookie replies that she is not
familiar with Ke$ha (the mostly play country and
western on the local Bon Temp AM station) and she
tries to bring the Elder's attention to the matter
at hand - the agreement between her ancestor John
Stackhouse and M. Warlow. The Fairy Elder dances
around and between twirls and pop culture references
(John Cougar Mellancamp? Boys II Men?), she tells
Sookie that she did know Johnny Stackhouse and he
was a landowner and a bit of a creep, which does
not offend Sookie who obviously agrees that anyone
who would sign a pack to give away a female descendent
is pretty creepy.
(P. S. The Fairy Elder was a lot of fun in a fruit-loop-granola-bar-and-Yoga
Sookie tries to get the Fairy Elder to focus again
and suddenly there is a moment of reason:
Fairy Elder: "Look, there
is a reason you find vampires irresistible. A reason
you slut your heart out to every cute guy out there
Sookie: "I beg your pardon?"
Fairy Elder: "You. Me. Warlow. Our destinies
Sookie: "Yes. Okay. But what is that supposed
Fairy Elder: "A dark time is coming. You will
be tested. Hold on to your light. As long as we
fairies control the light, we will be free."
And off she goes, dancing, spewing pop culture references
and finally a last bit about Warlow, "Warlow
But before she can finish her phrase, Jason arrives.
He is frantic to get inside the club so Claude and
another fairy run out, grab him and pull him in
and that ends the Q & A time with the Fairy
Jason tells everyone that Russell Edgington is loose
and looking for Sookie and that there will be no
help from Bill and Eric, who have gone crazy on
some kind of blood. Sookie tells everyone that she
is tired of running and they have to fight. This
call-to-arms does not please everyone in the club.
The Fairy Elder recognizes the name Russell Edgington.
It obviously means something to her and she declares
that the Fairy Clan of Bon Temp will fight with
Miss Sookie Stackhouse. Murella gets a "Not
in my lifetime" look on her face. Hey, the
gal is pregnant.
Later Jason and Sookie are talking outside (it is
daytime). They have obviously formulated a plan
for Jason to draw Russell and Steve to the fairy
club. They are very sweet together, Sookie telling
Jason that he does not have to do this and Jason
saying the one thing he learned as QB1 is the best
defense is a good offense. Jason and Sookie both
say, "I love you," and Jason leaves. Jason
and Sookie are just wonderful together this season.
Russell arrives at Sookie's house to see Jason standing
on the porch guarding the door holding a rifle.
He kidnaps him and glamours him into telling him
where Sookie is and Jason says she is with the fairies
(hearing there are more fairies surprises and delights
Russell) and he will take Russell to them. (Russell
takes the rifle with them, which is a big clue for
next week's show.)
Jason, Russell and Steve arrive at the fairy club
field. Steve is hysterically locked in the back
of the cop car and has to bang to be let out (Jason
drove and Russell sat up front).
Steve and Russell are totally enchanted with the
smell and they run wild around the field before
Russell finally settles down and grabs Jason and
threatens to tear him limb from limb if Sookie does
not show herself.
Sookie is watching from inside the club. She is
panicked and says they have to fight. Claude says
they are ready and why doesn't the Fairy Elder start
the battle. But there has been a change of plans:
The Fairy Elder steps outside with an "I got
this." She throw Steve Newlin about a foot
ball field away and is about to do the same thing
to Russell when he puts Jason in front of him. Jason
receives the blast and is thrown into a tree and
Russell attacks, drains and kills the Fairy Elder
who quickly disintegrates. (This really depressed
me - first Doug, then Molly, then this eccentric
fairy? Can't the writers keep some of the fun characters?
They didn't kill Lafayette at the end of Season
I, so why not keep at least one of these new characters?)
Russell can now see Hot Wings; we can also see it
and it is beautiful. And standing in the doorway
is a group of very upset and worried fairies looking
right at their arch nemesis, Mr. Russell Edgington,
who really does need to die soon.
Fangtasia with Pam, Tara,
Jessica, Rosalyn and the Storm Troopers:
Pam is in fretting around the office (the scene
of Elijah's beheading) and Tara is reassuring her
that she has cleaned every bit of exploded dead
Elijah from the office. Pam is not convinced and
looks under all the desk mat etc.
Jessica arrives at Fangtasia, looking like hell
or like she was just buried. Pam asks what happened
to her and Jessica pleads for Pam to hide her. Pam
says she is not a halfway house for wayward vamps.
Jessica says she knows where Eric is and if Pam
will hide her she will tell her. Pam throws Jessica
up against the wall and threatens her, but Jessica
just piteously pleads, "Hide me." Pam
relents and tells Tara to get Jessica's coffin out
Pam, Jessica and Tara are hanging in the basement
of Fangtasia. Jessica has obviously just filled
them in on what is going on at The Authority. Pam
tells them that is nest behavior; that when vampires
live in nests, they egg each other on and become
more evil and this sounds like nest behavior on
steroids. Jessica asks is she in Eric ever lived
in a nest and Pam says no, that she finds most vampires
as irritating as most humans. After Pam leaves,
Jessica asks Tara if she likes Pam (meaning sexually).
Tara is highly offended making me believe the lady
"doth protest too much." Jessica is incredibly
sad and says she just really needs a friend and
even if Tara beats her up, she (Jessica) is a vampire
and she will heal. Tara says she will find her a
fangbanger for tonight. Such a sweet Fangtasia moment.
Rosalyn arrives at Fangtasia. It seems that Elijah
was one of her 240 progenies and she knows he is
dead. She smells his blood and attack Tara asking
if she killed him. Pam says she did it and Rosalyn
has the Storm Troopers arrest her and on the way
out she grabs Jessica to take her back to The Authority.
Merlottes's with Andy, Holly,
Holly's Boys, Terry, Arlene and Murella:
There is a sweet scene with Holly
and Andy's boys. The boys are eating lunch at Merlottes's
and Holly brings Andy over to talk to them. The
younger one is pretty nice and he readily apologies
for putting Andy's butt on Facebook. The older one
is more of a dick and says he cannot get that image
out of his mind (well, most of us can't). But Andy's
good graces prevail and he make his first attempt
to get to know Holly's boys.
Later Andy is sitting at the bar with Terry and
Arlene. Arlene is sitting in Terry's lap and they
look blissfully happy (I guess if you have PTSD,
another killing does not make that much difference
in your mood). Arlene says something along the lines
that everyone should embrace their happiness, because
you never know when an Iraqi ghost lady will curse
your entire family. Andy admires their relationship
and is asking if they have any tips when a very
pregnant Murella arrives and announces to all that
it is Andy's baby.
Andy takes Murella into Sam's office. He is incredulous
that this could be his kid or that she could be
pregnant as he only "saw" her twice and
once was a week ago. Andy says that regardless of
what people might think he is not stupid. Murella
replies that a week ago is when she conceived and
she is right on schedule. But pregnant or not, Andy
says he has a good thing going on with Holly and
he wants that to continue and he thinks he will
be happier with someone of his own species. Murella
reminds him that he promised on the light and that
if he does not honor that, it is the same as declaring
war. Oh hell!
Alcide's Dad's Trailer with
Alcide, Dad and a bunch of baby vamps with no good
Alcide is still staying with his Dad and they are
outside digging totally illogical holes in the front
yard of the trailer (perhaps this was an excuse
for Alcide to take off his shirt). The Mississippi
pack master come by to warn them about marauding
groups of baby vamps who are attacking people. Alcide's
Dad says he will be fine as his property has a silver
plated fence. Afterwards, Alcide and his father
have words. Alcide reminds his father that the reason
he is no longer pack master of the Mississippi pack
is that he stole money from the pack. Dad, of course,
is not pleased to have his son point out the error
of his ways. Alcide responds with, "Whatever
happened with pack first?"
It is night and Alcide is at still at his Dad's
home. Alcide is microwaving a cardboard container
of Campbell's soup when he hears some baby vamps
outside. The baby vamps cannot attack them or their
trailer because of the silver plated fence. He then
hears the pack of delinquent vamps go to the trailer
next door to attack the old lady who lives there.
Alcide leaves to go help her as his Dad tells him
that he cannot save the world, but Alcide replies
that he is a man and this is what men do.
Alcide's gun has wooden bullets and he kills several
of the vamps. One of them looks at the goo and hysterically
remarks, "So that is what happens when we die."
Alcide kills a few more and it looks like one of
them is going to kill Alcide but no, Dad is standing
on the roof of his trailer and he shoots the second
to last vamp. The very last vampire hooligan, who
looks like she used to be a teenage girl, does the
math and vamp speeds away.
Bill has obviously turned so dark
and in such a 180 degree fashion, it makes me wonder
what is really going on in the writer's room. His
character is now a crazy loony-tunes V Addict just
like Debbie Pelt in Season III. He also has a completely
different personality and is now an Adolf Hitler
Here is a crazy theory about why this might be happening
on the show: Anna and Stephen are having twins this
fall and True Blood starts filming right
after Thanksgiving, which means that the real star
of the show, Anna Paquin, is going to have to get
back into her fighting shape and go back to work
about two months after she has her babies. And hey,
you can say they can hire a lot of help, but that
help needs to be supervised. No one who did not
have to (a lot of people have to), would leave two
small babies with hired help. Even if they have
two nannies, they would still want a family member
to be present. So is it possible that this dark
turn of Bill's is a prelude to him being blown up
and buried at The Authority, which would mean that
Stephen could have a lighter work schedule for the
first few episode of Season VI while Bill is being
excavated and revived. Alternate theory, there is
a French Chancellor in the last Episode. Could Bill
have to go to France to "handle" the mess
that the vampires made in the US? Or he could just
have to "go on the lam" to keep from being
arrested and tried for mass murder. Or are they
just going to kill off Bill and have Stephen (who
everyone loves) stay with the show as a director,
which is my most unlikely theory.
But there has to be some reason
the writers and show runners have turned Bill into
an arch villain, other than an attempt to save money
by not having to hire a guest star to terrorize
Bon Temps on Season VI.
for next week:
Eric will kill Russell and Jason may kill Steve
Newlin (the producers might want to keep Steve around
- he is incredibly funny). Alternate theory: Jason
wakes up and retrieves the rifle that Russell foolishly
took along on their little escapade. He then he
shoots Russell, killing him with a wooden bullet.
Salome and Rosalyn will either kill each other or
Bill will kill them. But before Lilith is through
with her Machiavellian plot, only one of them will
be left and my money is on Bill.
Sookie will either be captured by Authority goons
or she will voluntarily go to the Authority to save
Bill. I think it is the latter because of the spoiler
video of Sookie dressed in a black tank top while
aiming a rifle. We have not seen that scene yet
and it probably takes place when they arm themselves
to breach The Authority.
Luna and Sam (Sam will just fly away from Bill)
will free Emma and the prisoners with Pam's help,
and all will escape taking Jessica with them (Luna
may skin walk again which makes my inner fan very
nervous because she almost died last time). But
as soon as the guards leave the cell block, Luna
can become a bug and get out of the cell, and then
as a person, hopefully find the keys.
Jason will either shoot Bill or blow up The Authority.
And if Jason does not blow up The Authority, the
army just might.
Sookie will be reunited with Eric and she will "adopt"
the now homeless Jessica much to Eric's chagrin.
I don't know about Nora's survival,
but she could have an interesting character arch
for Season VI. After all this mess is cleaned up,
someone will need to run The Authority again and
a "reformed to mainstreaming" Nora would
be the logical choice.
So over and out and
see you next week.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V Episode 10
Gone, Gone, Gone
This was a great episode; lots happened and the
pace was intense.
So here we
Sookie, Mike, Andy, Jason,
Jessica, Hoyt, Maxine and the Fairies:
The episode opens to a TV screen; an announcer is
covering the bombing of (all) five of the True Blood
factories. The factory owners are quoted as saying
that they will rebuild, but in the meantime, according
to the announcer, there has been a 50% rise in vampire
attacks. Steve Newlin is seen spinning the tale
on TV, saying that vampires are working closely
with Homeland Security. And there is more Newlin
fun to come as tomorrow night he will return to
debate Lafayette's old John, Representative David
The camera pans back and we see Miss Sookie Stackhouse
watching this nonsense. Sookie exasperatedly turns
off the TV and sits down to go through a box of
papers labeled "Vampire Crimes" and eat
some Chinese (food not people). Who knew you could
get Chinese takeout in Bon Temp? You obviously can
because Miss Stackhouse takes containers of Egg
Foo Young or Mu Shi Pork or something else out of
a brown paper bag. But we never do find out what
she ordered because there is a knock at the door,
Sookie answers and it is Mike Spencer. Sookie quickly
invites him in because it is not safe outside, but
it quickly becomes clear that it is also not safe
inside, because Mike has turned into a vampire and
he attacks Sookie, biting her inner thigh through
her cute pink flower print flannel pajamas. But
creepy Mike's vampire life is short lived because
Sookie quickly stakes him with a chopstick - very
campy, fun and kick *ss. But I imagine it did ruin
her appetite for the Chinese food, even though it
did not look like any Mike goo got inside the cardboard
Andy has arrived at Sookie's without a coroner because,
well, the coroner is already there - splattered
all over the living room floor. Sookie has changed
out of her cute little pajamas (Sookie and Emma
must shop at the same dry goods emporium). Andy
is bagging the chop sticks and Sookie does not think
he is being very careful about the forensics, but
Andy reassures her that no one is interested in
this type of crime anymore. He also remarks with
a touch of sadness, that this is exactly the kind
of crime scene Mike Spencer would have enjoyed.
But then we get to see Andy and Sookie's developing
friendship when they immediately start gossiping
about the not-so-dearly departed Mike. Sookie tells
him that Mike wanted to suck on her toes and Andy
says that Mike kept his autopsy photos on his computer
right next to his porn. Andy sure has changed since
Later, Jason is at Sookie's helping her pack to
move to Jason's home (Eric owns her house so any
vampire can enter). Sookie wants to pack up Bud
Dearborn's old files (the ones she was going through
when Mike arrived), but Jason says that there is
nothing there. Sookie says that she also found no
clues in the boxes under the bed. Jason asks what
was under there and when Sookie replies, he decides
that Sookie did not do a thorough investigation.
He then asks her exactly what Gran said and Sookie
says that the answer was "under the bed,"
not "in a box under the bed." Jason finds
a loose floor board and opens it and there is a
box and inside the box is a scroll filled with scribbles.
Maxine is driving her "baby boy" Hoyt
home from the hospital. She tells Hoyt that she
has ordered a California King bed and cleared out
some dolls so there is room for him and his new
bed. Maxine may have bought a bed but Hoyt is not
buying her. He tells his Mom that he is not coming
back home, instead he has signed on to work on a
rig in Alaska. Hoyt asks Maxine what she wants -
a successful happy son or an invalid? As soon as
he asks the question, Hoyt knows the answer.
Jason are at Professor Kamal's office at the University
of Northern Louisiana. They have brought their scroll.
Professor Kamal suspects a hoax. The velum is hundreds
of years old, but the markings are not in any recognizable
language as all languages repeat symbols and every
symbol on this scroll is unique. He is pretty sure
of one thing - it is not a human language. Sookie
and Jason exchange knowing looks. Clue alert!
evening, Jessica enters Merlotte's and is greeted
by two rednecks who want to shoot her. Sam and Lafayette
pull guns on the "necks" and disarm them.
Sam then tells Jessica that he is out of True Blood,
but she is welcome to eat those two guys. Jessica
flashes fang but then decides that they are too
stringy for her tastes.
ask if they can leave and Sam tells them to get
out of his bar. Lafayette tells one of them to take
his fries. The idiot grabs the fries and promptly
spills them on Jason who is entering the door. Jason
grabs a fry in mid air, eats it and then he sees
Jessica and asks why she is there. She tells him
that she is meeting someone to which he replies,
"So am I." Jason wants to know where her
guards are and Jessica replies that they left as
soon as Bill quit paying them and it was probably
a good thing because they were beginning to look
very tasty. This blood shortage seems to be creating
problems everywhere. (Remember what I said last
week about how The Authority guards might be less
than pleased to work for a bunch of feral vampires
and could easily decide to betray them.)
Hoyt enters Merlotte's.
and Jason are sitting in a booth - Jason and Jessica
sit together facing Hoyt. Hoyt tells them about
his plans to go to Alaska. J and J do not want Hoyt
to go and Jessica asks him how can he be sure that
things will be better in Alaska? Hoyt then gets
around to the Agatha Christiesque part about, "You
must be wondering why I asked you gather here today."
He wants Jessica to glamour him so he will forget
he even knew her and even more painfully, he wants
her to help him forget that he ever knew Jason.
He tells Jessica that he wants to be able to go
to sleep at night without dreaming about her. Jessica
is heartbroken, but she lovingly glamours Hoyt telling
that he will meet someone wonderful and that the
women he meets will be his first love. And he should
close his eyes and count to ten and when he opens
them, they will be gone forever and he will be relaxed
and hungry. Hoyt closes his eyes and a devastated
Jason and Jessica leave. This was one of the saddest
scenes in True Blood history.
Later that evening, Sookie and Jason are driving
down a darkened road when Jason see Hoyt's truck
driving in the opposite direction. Jason does a
quick 180, turns on his sirens and pulls him over.
But when Jason tries to talk to Hoyt, it is obvious
that Hoyt does not know him - Hoyt sees Jason's
name tag and asks if he is related to Sookie. This
is a bitterly sweet scene - Jason has obviously
loved his friendship with Hoyt and now it is gone
- completely and totally gone and it is pretty much
his fault. Jason send Hoyt on his way after pleading
on more time for this stranger to not leave town.
Jason gets back in his cop car starts to sob and
Sookie wraps her arms around him.
Sookie and Jason visit their fairy friends at Hot
Wings. They show the scroll to Claude and his sisters
who tell them that the scroll is much older than
they are as they are only 130 years old. Jason is
incredulous at the idea that there could be fairies
who are 130 years old and Claude replies that some
are much older, "How do you think they learned
to dance that well?" He then asks one of the
older fairies to help. But this older fairy is a
very pregnant Murella (Ut Oh!). Murella lights up
the scroll (much to Sookie's amazement) and translates
that it is an agreement written in fairy blood in
1702 between a John William Stackhouse and a M Warlow
where John William promised to give M Warlow his
first fae bearing female heir. Jason asks Claude
who was the first fae bearing female heir and Claude
replies that there were none until Sookie. (Not
necessarily - see notes below)
The Authority with
Molly, Bill, Salome, Nora, Russell and Steve:
Cute little Molly has been brought before the council.
She is wearing her invention - the Istake. The hypocritical
*itch Salome says they will give her one more chance
to accept Lilith. Molly replies that it would not
matter if she did, they would stake her anyway so
F*ck them as they are, "Destroying the world
based on a book that is thousands of years old,
You call that evolved. It's the absolute opposite
of evolved." Kwebe says that they could still
convert her to Lilith, but she is not worth the
trouble. Rosalyn has no sympathy, and just wants
them to get it over with, but Steve Newlin and Russell
are thrilled to be able to attend an execution.
Bill sanctimoniously says she has betrayed them
and the council has decided she is to meet the true
death. Bill then actives Molly's stake with an Iphone.
Molly explodes into goo and Steve squeals in delight
only to be admonished by Salome who then gives a
blessing to Lilith.
Here is my revised list of vampires
who need to meet the true death this season: Salome,
Kwebe, Rosalyn, Russell, Steve and Bill. Yes Bill
and I used to like him and think he was the best
choice for Sookie. Now yuck! According to the episode
guides, Eric tries to save Bill's humanity in the
last episode, but by now IMHO it is not a life worth
saving. And Steven and Russell might be cute and
funny together, but eating the bridal party, stealing
Emma, cheering on the death of Molly, and "something
you don't know about yet unless you saw the episode,"
means it is time for them to take their bows and
leave the stage. I know this is a vampire show and
vampires are intrinsically evil but part of the
fun of watching a good versus evil story is seeing
the "evils" get theirs. And almost everyone
at The Authority is past their "sell by"
Russell then declares that the excitement of the
staking has made him hungry and asks who would like
to go out for dinner. Steve most certainly does,
but Mother Salome admonishes that Steve has an important
TV appearance tomorrow. Russell replies that he
thought, "The book of Lilith wanted us to hunt
or is there some chapter I missed which wants us
to sit around memorizing index cards?" The
old sugar daddy vamp and his vampy boy toy exit
to find a Greek restaurant.
Bill is in the vampire "Holy of Holies"
drawing some blood into the little gizmo that Roman
used to serve communion. Then we see Eric being
dragged in by two guards accompanied by his "loving"
sister Nora. Eric is incredibly weak and according
to the extras on HBO GO, Nora has been torturing
him by keeping him awake for the last few days and
filling him with silver. Now you may ask, why Nora
was not on my list of "Vampires to be Staked."
Well I will tell you but you need to read the rest
of the recap.
Priggish, sanctimonious Bill tells Eric that Bill
and Eric's sister cannot keep him alive much longer
if he does not accept Lilith, "The true death
will come soon." Eric replies, "So be
it." But Bill says he is not ready to give
up on Eric and Eric has saved his life and he has
saved Eric's in the past. (Why of why isn't Bill
wearing an Istake? All of fandom wants to punch
his code. Please just let us text it in.). Bill
with Nora's help forces Eric to take Lilith's blood.
Nora wants to trip with him and takes some too.
Bill leaves them alone and goes into another chamber
where he can watch them on a monitor. Soon an apparition
of fire appears to the tripping Eric and Nora and
it is Godric. Nora is incredulous and angry with
Godric for deserting her centuries ago. Godric replies
that she is his blood but Nora is not buying it
and says her blood is now the blood of Lilith. Godric
replies that Lilith is a false God. Eric tells Godric
that he tried to save Nora but he failed. Godric
tells Nora that he did something she is afraid to
do, "He evolved." Lilith then appears
and wraps her arms around Godric. Nora becomes hysterical
and begs Lilith to save Godric. Eric cries to Godric
to "Fight her." But Godric tells him that
he is not the one who needs to fight her. Lilith
then decapitates Godric in front of his screaming
progeny. Bill has watched all of this but he only
sees Eric and Nora and their reactions. Lilith can
obviously only be seen when high on blood but after
he see Eric and Nora's utter devastation, Bill is
pleased and says "Praise Lilith."
Steve and Russell are dancing to a Katy Perry song.
Their mouths are covered in blood. Russell tells
Steve that they do not need to live their lives
in the dark and the answer to day walking is tantalizingly
close. Steve asks Russell to take him to which Russell
replies, "I thought you would never ask."
The camera then pans away to show they are dancing
in a fraternity house surrounded by dead bodies.
There is a clicking noise that sounds like a camera
has been activated.
Jessica is at home alone at Bill's house when a
group of Authority guards arrive to take her to
New Orleans. She tells them to buzz off but the
she-guard show her Bill on the Iphone commanding
her to go with the guards so she does.
Jessica arrives at The Authority and is greeted
by Bill who tells her that she had to come to New
Orleans as it was not safe in Bon Temps anymore.
Bill tells her she will have her own quarters and
will be safe all day and all of her needs will be
taken care of at night. Bill proudly takes Jess
on a tour of her new home, telling her that the
columns and brick were moved to New Orleans from
the original headquarters in Byzantium. He then
gives Jessica a copy of the Vampyr Bible and asks
her to read it with an open mind. According to Bill,
there was a copy of the Vampyr Bible in the house
in Bon Temps. Before Bill had dismissed it, but
now it has changed his life. Jessica says this sounds
an awful lot like Bible Study and Bill agrees that
it is, but with the right Bible.
Eric and Nora enter the council room to announce
that Eric has seen the light and is now a Lilith
worshipper. Eric then thanks Russell for sparing
him and says he forgives him for his parents and
they are all now born anew and are one in her blood.
He kisses Russell's ring but it is easy to see that
Russell if not really buying it as he has been there
with Eric before. He hisses that Eric is getting
the better end of this deal.
The vampires are now sitting around the table in
The Authority Council Room, having another of their
endless boring meeting where they pontificate and
use laptops. Nora says that she has ordered translations
of the Vampyr Bible into 70 different languages
and that it should be required reading for all new
vampires. Eric innocently asks shouldn't all old
vampires be required to read it also? (This is reminiscent
of the subtle dig when Russell asked Eric to say
Grace.) Russell derisively says he cannot believe
they are sitting around discussing education reform
and are they vampires or school marms. Russell then
reveals his big plan to walk in the sun saying the
legend about the blood of the fey allowing vampires
to walk in the sun is true and that both Eric and
Bill have experienced it by drinking the blood of
a half fey. Eric says yes, but it is only for a
few minutes and then you fry. Russell replies that
the Wright Brothers only flew a few minutes the
first time and they need to harvest this half fae's
blood and study it and perhaps capture another fey
as there are bound to be more. If they can develop
True Blood, they can develop a blood that will allow
them to walk in the sun. Bill and Eric look utterly
appalled and frightened. But then Salome and the
other Chancellors pooh pooh this idea because as
Salome says, fairies are an abomination and vampires
are creatures of the night and should not be out
during the day. Russell has a hissy fit, throwing
Salome to the ceiling and telling everyone else
that he has had it with their sanctimonious religion
and that he is 3000 years old and can kill them
all and he will not let their small mindedness keep
him from the sun. He cries, "I am 3.000 years
old! I am stronger than all of you combined. How
long did you think I would be your lapdog? I offered
you the opportunity to share in the greatest advancement
in the history of our race. And the small-mindedness
of your religion has literally kept you in the dark!
You can have your Lilith. I will not be constrained
by your god or anyone else’s. I will have
the sun." It's Trojan horse time baby.
Fangtasia with Elijah, Pam,
Tara and Ginger:
Elijah is sitting in Eric's office with his feet
on the desk counting the night's take. He complains
that there is only $600 which he divides evenly
between Pam, Tara and himself. Pam explains that
business if off because they have nothing to offer
vampire customers (due to the True Blood shortage)
and humans are certainly not interested in partying
at Fangtasia now that they know they are vampires
only source for food. Elijah suggests that they
install a peep show where vamps pay for 30 seconds
of time sucking on a human and supposedly another
bar that has done so has brought in 2000 dollars
an hour. As Elijah/sociopath leaves, he tell Pam
and Tara that they are directed to create 30 new
vampires this year or Pam will lose her bar and
Pam and Tara talk. Tara says that she cannot procreate
as she was just turned and has no idea what she
is going. Pam says that they should procreate because
they want to, not because of some mandate. So what
will they do? Pam is willing to give up Fangtasia
and tells Tara that they will live on the wind like
she and Eric used to do (at least she is planning
on taking Tara with her).
Later, Elijah rushes into Fangtasia and is greeted
by an hysterical Tara who tells him that she needs
his help. She tried to turn Ginger and she thinks
she killed her. Tara hysterically says that "I
don't know nothing about birthing any baby vamps,"
an hysterical Gone with the Wind quote.
Elijah approaches Ginger who is lying unconscious
on a table in Eric's office and contemptuously replies
that she has a pulse. Tara cries, "But is she
breathing?" Elijah bends over to check and
Ginger stabs him with a knife. Elijah is looking
in horror at the knife as Tara beheads him with
Eric's sword. Pam enters with a "You are f*cking
kidding me." To which Tara replies that, "We
are not running. No one f*cks with us in our house."
Would Miss Tara please take her victory lap around
the ring because that was awesome.
Sam and Luna, Steve and
We are at Merlotte's and
Sam is on the phone calling the AVL saying he is
from Dog Monthly and would like a photo
op with the Reverend Steve Newlin and his new dog.
He is unsuccessful. A very distraught Luna enters
his office. She has been unsuccessful in getting
any help from TV stations or the police. Luna threatens
to go public with everything about werewolves and
shifters. Sam tells her she will only get herself
locked up, but there is something he wants to show
her on the TV, but she has to remain calm. Luna
watches the announcement of Newlin's planned appearance
in New Orleans in five hours. And Sam and Luna are
off to use his frequent flyer miles.
Reverend Newlin and Lafayette's old customer Representative
David Finch are debating on television as Rosalyn
supervises. Finch remarks that Newlin is positively
rosy for someone who has supposedly not eaten. (Hmm,
I wonder if there is a photo out there somewhere?)
Newlin replies that he has a supply of True Blood
and has been rationing. Finch sneers. While this
stimulating debate is taking place, we see two white
mice scurrying about. They enter Newlin's dressing
room and it is Sam and Luna, but unfortunately there
is no Emma Pup waiting for Steve. But find Sam does
find Emma's photo on Newlin's Iphone. Newlin returns
to the now "empty" dressing room with
his chaperone Rosalyn who asks if he needs anything
to which Steve replies, "Only my briefcase."
So he leaves with his case which we now assume contains
Steve returns to The Authority and speaks with the
pretty receptionist. He asks how is his puppy and
the receptionist tells him there is a problem. She
then brings in Emma who has shifted to human and
is wearing one of Steve's shirts. Steve sternly
lectures Emma about how Daddy does not like it when
she is human and does she want Nigel to eat her?
Emma cries that she wants her mother and Steve replies
that her mother does not want her. Emma cries and
runs back to her room as Steve and two white mice
chase after her. One quick note: the pretty receptionist
looked really worried about little Emma. I hope
this bodes well.
Andy and Holly:
There is a sweet scene at an empty Merlotte's (no
one seems to want to risk going out at night). Andy
has arrived to drive Holly home but Lafayette has
prepared a scrumptious meal for them. Holly and
Andy are very sweet and talk about their future
together once this vampire problem is over. I assume
this "sweet" scene is in the show to contrast
with what is just about to happen when Andy and
Holly confront his pending fairy fatherhood.
So why is Nora not
on my list of stakable vamps? It's because I think
she hit a turning point when she saw Lilith kill
Godric while she screamed in pain. Maybe before,
all the slaughter was simply abstract to her. But
Godric was personal. And there is just something
about how Eric and Nora walked into The Authority
room after Eric supposedly converted that made me
believe she was now on his side.
And, of course, I do not believe for a moment that
Eric has converted. Godric told him to fight and
he is back to being Season III Eric, the one who
was always planning the long move. And welcome back.
As for Bill, what a horrid, vain, easily manipulated
fool he has turned out to be. I felt ao sorry for
Jess when she arrived at The Authority and found
out that her maker had signed on with the Manson
gang. The look on Jessica's face when Russell was
talking about Sookie was painful to watch. The writers
have done a magnificent job of making everyone hate
Bill. He has become the Antichrist.
You can say it's not Bill's
fault, that he was drugged but so was everyone else
in the room. And several of the first imbibers (as
opposed to Nora and Salome) seem to have immediately
figured out that it was malarkey - Eric, Russell
and Steve Newlin. Perhaps Bill was more susceptible
to the effects of whatever is in the vial (Salome
anyone?) because he is the youngest vampire in the
room, but Steve Newlin is even younger and he seems
to only be turned on by all the fresh blood. It's
hard to make excuses for Judas Iscariot.
How is Sookie a Stackhouse family fae bearing female
heir? She is an heir and half fae, true, but fae
bearing? This fae bearing business seems like a
pretty randomly inherited trait, so Sookie might
have normal human children and one of Jason's children
could be fae. Just look at Hadley. And here is the
AHA moment. The first fae bearing female heir is
not Sookie, it is Hadley. She is the first direct
heir to give birth to a half fae if what Claude
said about previous Stackhouse generations is actually
true. It cannot be Sookie's mother, because she
married into the family and is not a direct Stackhouse
descendent like her husband. So Hadley it is if
we are to actually believe what we were just told.
P. S. I still think The Authority
vampires are very foolish to trust their daytime
safety to human guards now that The Authority has
converted to being Sanguinistas. It is one thing
to work for vampires when they were supposedly "mainstreaming."
But now? Wouldn't you be afraid you might on on
the menu some night? Filet of guarde anyone?
So over and out and
see you next week.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 9
Everybody Wants to Rule the World
We are near the end
of the Season and two of the minor story lines are
finished: "Fun with Ifrits" and "The
Scary Obamas." Let's take a moment and praise
Lilith for small blessings.
So now is the time for all the characters to shower
up (some of them spent time in a pig pen) and sign
on to take down The Authority and that crazy b*tch
Here is what happened
Sadists Plus Eric and Molly at The Authority:
The episode opens to a flat screening TV, showing
a news story about a bombed True Blood factory in
Houston, Texas. The camera pans back and we are
in The Authority council room and it must be Thanksgiving
The vamps have gathered around the table preparing
to feast on a naked man who is gagged and chained
to the table. The poor man whimpers piteously. Russell
suggests that they say grace and sarcastically asks
Northman to preside. Eric replies that he is new
to religion and perhaps someone else would like
to do the honors. Newlin pipes in that he knows
a childhood grace, "There once was a cock and
a hen. Who gave lunch to a goose in a pen. 'Good
Lord,' said the goose, 'Bless this food for our
use and us to thy service, Amen." Russell is
utterly charmed with Steve's ditty. Salome is not;
she gets that pinched schoolmarm look on her face
and says a "proper" grace - in Aramaic
no less. The vampires then proceed to eat the poor
man as he screams.
We cut to Molly who is trying to exit The Authority.
She puts her finger in the blood scanner, but her
permission level is not high enough to get out.
She gets no help from the receptionist, either.
Molly then goes into the control room where Eric
accosts her and tells her to put her baby fangs
up before she pisses him off.
Molly looks at Eric and says, "Please tell
me you have a plan to get out of here."
Eric replies, "Uh, you were it."
Molly tells Eric that they can't get out because
the lock down system is DNA specific and she only
has a Level 3 permission and it takes a Level 1
to get out.
Eric replies, “I don’t speak techie.Translate.”
Molly does, "We
are totally f*cking f*cked.”
Molly then tells Eric that there is one way to get
out, but it is incredibly dangerous and bound to
fail. Eric points out that they have no options
so he is all ears.
Eric and Bill have a quick conference in what looks
like Salome's bedroom. But wherever they are, Eric
believes there are no cameras and I hope he is right.
Eric makes fun of Bill's plan to bomb the factories,
saying won't a civil war be fun? Bill says he is
totally lost and does not know who to trust and
what if God is a vampire? After all, they saw her.
Eric says they were high and they need to stay away
from that blood. He then asks Bill, "How about
Sookie? Is she just food?" Bill does not reply,
but Eric thinks he can tell by the look on his face
that Bill still cares for Sookie. Eric then declares
that Bill is more of a mainstreamer than he will
ever be, which is a big mistake on Eric's part.
Eric gives Bill a vial and tells him to get some
of Salome's blood and meet him just before dawn.
Nora is hanging around in the vampire holy of holies
- again. Eric asks her how she became so religious
after all those years of being so ambitious. Nora
says that she was working her way up at the Authority
with the idea of someday replacing Roman, but then
she found Lilith. Eric asks how that happened and
Nora tells him that Salome and she took sips of
the "sacred" blood during the day when
Roman was asleep. (AHA! Just as I suspected - at
least one of the twins is a blood head.) Eric says
that believing in Lilith requires total surrender
and surrender is not something he is good at. Nora
affectionately says he has always been such a Viking.
They are very sweet together; they kiss and hold
hands and walk out of the sanctuary.
Bill is in bed and Salome is dancing behind her
sheer curtains, entertaining him while wearing only
a red sarong tied around her waist. She comes to
the bed and tells Bill that Lilith wants him to
be her Adam and together they will create a new
world. Bill demonstrates his bedroom technique by
doing the only thing he knows how to do - go straight
to business. They are riding the wild pony when
Bill hallucinates that it is Sookie. He bites the
Sook and drinks her blood, quite a lot of it actually
and very brutally. But then Sookie turns into Lilith
and then back into Salome. The bed is soaked in
blood. Obviously Salome's blood is as toxic as the
blood in the vial. Or could it be that the blood
in the vial is and has always been Salome's?
Eric leads Nora into Molly's work room where he
quickly puts his hand over her mouth. Molly tosses
him a a tranquilizer needle which he sticks in Nora's
neck. He picks up Nora and they are about to leave
when he says they need to wait for Bill. Molly says
there is no time, but just then Bill arrives but
not so he can escape with them. Bill as brought
Salome and the guards who arrest Eric and Molly.
Eric says Bill is a traitor and Bill replied that,
"I am doing this for you. We have been chosen
It is now official. Everyone who watches True
Blood hates Bill Compton.
Jessica, Andy, Joe Bob, Kenya, Sam and Luna:
Jessica is being interrogated by Kenya who is saying
comforting things about how Hoyt kidnapped her and
put a gun to her head. Jessica insists that Hoyt
is not an Obama and that he is only in this mess
because he is still in love with her. Kenya is not
impressed. Jason arrives and incredulously asks
Kenya if Hoyt is an Obama and Jessica frustratedly
cries, "No." Kenya then gives Jason a
litany of Hoyt's bad behavior and Jessica says that
at least Hoyt did not shoot her in the head, an
obvious dig at Jason that completely flies over
We see an unconscious Hoyt being dragged into a
pig farm. We know it is a pig farm because we can
hear the squeals. (There is just something about
True Blood and large pigs.)
Jason asks Jessica if she can "feel" Hoyt
(Hoyt has had Jessica's blood) and she says she
did, but then he went blank. Jessica is horribly
upset and tells Jason that if something happens
to Hoyt, it is because of her.
Sam and Luna are at Sam's arguing about whether
or not Luna should go back to the hospital or if
not, stay at Sam's and rest. Sam wants to call someone
to take care of Luna while he goes to the police
station to help the local yokel cops solve the case.
Luna is having none of this invalid cr*p, and tells
Sam he is "f*king annoying and sexist."
Sam says he is just trying to protect someone he
loves, to which Luna sarcastically (but with a note
of truth) replies that she loves him too. Aw those
Back at the police
station, two of Bill's guards have arrived to pick
up Jessica. Jason tells the guards to watch her
all the time, even when she goes to take a dump.
Jessica reminds Jason that she does not need to
take a dump. Jason replies that even though this
non-dump-taking is an advantage, she is at a real
disadvantage during the day because she can fry
in the sun, so she needs to stay at home with the
guards until the police can take care of the Obama's.
He promises Jessica that he will find Hoyt, telling
her that is what he was trained to do. I am really
glad we cleared up the the dump taking business.
Kevin, who strangely enough appears to have computer
skills, is looking at what I guess we are supposed
to think is Joe Bob's laptop. It seems that Joe
Bob has made 500 visits to a website called, "Keep
America Human." The website has a video of
a bunch of Obama masked people dancing around a
cross where a vampire has obviously just met the
sun. There is some mention of a Dragon and Andy
remarks that the last Ku Klux Klan Dragon was "so
and so" and Jason says that "so and so"
drowned in his bathtub twenty years ago so who is
this new Dragon?
Jason then proceeds to demonstrate the professional
training he mentioned to Jessica by beating the
hell out of Joe Bob, to get him to tell just who
is the Dragon and just where is Hoyt? Andy holds
back from the beating and admonishes Jason a bit,
but then joins in kicking the hell out of Joe Bob.
But hey, no one cares except Joe Bob's stunt double.
We are still at the police station and a dumb blonde
reporter has stuck her mike in Andy's face and is
asking if it is true that President Obama has been
in Bon Temp, killing and kidnapping supernatural's.
Andy replies that, “No, the President of the
United States is not actually in Renard Parish right
now, shooting and kidnapping victims!
Sam and Luna arrived at the Sheriff's department
and they want to help again, but after conducting
his last police investigation hauling along two
Sam's (one of whom was really whiny and walked funny),
he just wants them to go home. They tell Andy that
they went back to the basement where they were holding
Jessica and they smelled pigs, to be specific, pig
sh*t. But even this bit of investigative reporting
does not change Andy's mind. He still tells Sam
and Luna to go home. They don't. They shift into
Andy is talking to Jason and felling remorse about
how they kicked the beejeezus out of Joe Bob. He
says that he is the worse Sheriff this town has
ever had. He is so remorseful, he does not notice
that his police station is infested with flies.
But then Andy and Jason get a break. They look at
the hater website some more and recognize Bud's
boots in the "website video Obama dance"
and conclude that Bud Dearborn is the Dragon.
go to Bud's house with sirens blazing and find no
one. Jason sees a photo of Bud's wife on a shelf
- she was Jason's sixth grade teacher. He remembers
that the Dearborn's had a pig farm down the road.
So off they go again, heading to the pig farm, where
their story intersects with the Sookie etc. recap
Sookie, Lafayette, Bud,
Sweetie, Sam and Andy:
After last week's episode's scare with Mr. Zorro
Vamp Ectoplasm, Sookie has called Lafayette and
asked him to come over and help investigate the
supernatural infestation in her bathroom. Laffy
is now investigating the ectoplasmic disturbance,
but getting nowhere. Instead, Laffy primps in Sookie's
bathroom mirror and tells her that all he sees is
his own fabulous self and whereas he is not Whoopi
Goldberg in Ghost, he is hotter. Lafayette
then gives up on this spiritual stuff, but he tells
her she still owes him the $100 and she tells him
to put it on her tab. Good luck with that Laffy.
Laffy and Sookie are now in her bedroom, talking
while sitting on her bed which used to be Gran's
bed. Sookie asks Laffy if he has heard from Tara
and he says he has - once. He did receive an answer
to one of his multiple texts and it was, "Bitch,
stop texting me or I will eat you." Sookie
mouths a platitude about how Tara will get over
it, but at least she is alive. So much for that.
Suddenly Layette does hear voices from the beyond
- a lot of voices - and one of them is Mrs. Stackhouse.
He tries to quiet the other voices saying, "I
ain't Gmail for dead b*tches." Gran tells Lafayette
to tell Sookie that she is glad that the strip tease
fairies are looking after her (I am too) and that
Sookie is sleeping on the answer to her question
about who killed her parents. Sookie is perplexed,
but then she pulls a pretty pink box out from under
Sookie and Lafayette look through the box of Gran's
memorabilia. Sookie finds Jason's sixth grade report
card. He got a B and Gran was so proud of that B
that she crocheted a frame for it. It also seems
that Bud Dearborn's wife was Jason's sixth grade
teacher. Sookie says that Jason just coasted through
school because he was every teacher's favorite.
She then finds a news clipping that says that Deputy
Bud Dearborn found her parents bodies. Sookie concludes
that maybe that was what Gran was trying to tell
her - that Bud Dearborn knows something.
Sookie is now at Bud's house. Bud is playing host
and he has just brought her a ginger ale. She asks
how he is and he says his cancer is in remission.
She asks him about her parents and if there was
anything unusual about their bodies. He tells her
that yes there was and it looks like it was a vampire.
At the time they did not know about vampires, so
they assumed a gator bit them. Sookie grimaces at
that news. Bud tells her that she must feel terrible
since she has befriended vampires and vampires killed
her parents and her grandmother. Sookie reminds
Bud that Rene Lanier or Drew Marshal or whomever
he was killed her parents. And Bud reminds Sookie
that Rene targeted her grandmother because Sookie
associated with vampires. Sookie is not amused.
Sookie "accidentally" spills (tosses)
her drink on Bud and uses that as an excuse to touch
him and listens to his thoughts. She hears that
he is hiding something, but that he knows nothing
more about the vampire who killed her parents but
he really wants her to drink her ginger ale. Bud's
new "hottie," Sweetie, sneaks up from
behind and hits Sookie over the head with a frying
Sookie wakes up.
She is at a pig farm and her hands and feet are
tied. She see Hoyt tied up in another pen and tries
to talk to him, but gets no response. She then reads
Hoyt's mind and realizes that he is unconscious
and high as a kite, making her wonder what they
gave him. She tries to use her light to get loose
from the ropes, but her hands are tied in the wrong
The Obama's and Bud enter the pen. Bud tells Sookie
that when he was Sheriff he had a stack of unsolved
cases and they were all unsolved because the crimes
were committed by supernatural's. Bud's new flame,
a very large Sweetie Des Arts of book fame, enters
the barn dressed in a short red kimono with a dragon
appliquéd on the back. She is also wearing
a pair of pink fluffy bedroom slippers to visit
a pig pen. Sweetie is utterly bizarre.
Sweetie spills her venom about how World War IV
will be humans against supernatural's and they will
be famous for what they have done. Sookie remarks
that Sweetie does not look like a Sweetie and then
Sookie reads her mind and sees Sweetie dressed in
a bedazzled square dance costume crying her eyes
out because her beau left her for a shifter. Sweetie
realizes that Sookie read her mind and she is furious.
Sweetie says people like Sookie will be aborted
or shot on sight. She then makes Bud force the ginger
ale down Sookie. Bud tells Sookie that it is just
laced with his left over Oxycotin.
Sookie is now unconscious and one of the Obama's
is videotaping. Another Obama asks why they don't
just shoot Hoyt and Sookie and Sweetie tells them
that they are going to ritualistically feed them
to the pigs as a political statement and film it.
They let the pigs into the pen where Hoyt is lying
unconscious and one of them picks up Sookie and
tosses her into the same pen, but she is caught
mid air by Sam who obviously has just been one of
the pigs. A fight ensues with naked Sam, Bud Dearborn
and the Obama's. It's a great fight and Sam kicks
a**. The haters might be getting the upper hand,
but just then the Bon Temps Sheriff department arrives
in all their glory. Bud, however, is not ready to
throw in the towel or should I say, the mask? He
yells "Humans Rule" and attempts to attack
Sam with a shovel and Andy shoots him.
Jason see Sookie and he is totally shocked that
she is there. She druggedly tells him that Hoyt
is there too. Jason runs to Hoyt who is in really
bad shape. Jason is beside himself, seeing the man
who was always his best friend, at death's door.
Luna, who must have flown to the pig farm with Sam,
is now a vicious dog chasing Sweetie across the
field. She catches Sweetie, shifts back into her
human (and naked) form and proceeds to beat the
sh*t out of Sweetie, hitting her for shooting her,
again for shooting Sam and then socking her for
shooting at Emma. It wasn't enough.
Afterwards, Andy tells Sookie he will give her a
ride home (we don't know how Sookie got to Bud's
with her car all banged up). Sam walks over to Andy.
Andy thinks Sam is going to thank him for saving
his life so he tells him he needn't bother as they
are now "even" in the life saving business.
But Sam just wants to tell Andy that he is is not
the worse Sheriff Renard parish ever had, as Bud
Dearborn has him beat by a mile. Andy looks perplexed
because he thought his previous conversation about
being a bad Sheriff was just between him in Jason.
He obviously was engrossed at the time and did not
notice his fly problem (on the wall not his pants).
Luna then tells Sam that they need to go get Emma.
I would have loved to see Kenya and Kevin's reaction
to seeing naked Sam and Luna smack dab in the middle
of their pig farm investigation.
Sookie is now at home, lying on the couch, watching
a news report on television about the bombing of
a True Blood factory in Kuwait (Kuwait? Really?
There are "out" vampires in Kuwait?).
When suddenly who should appear but her new fairy
friends/cousins Claude, Claudette and I think Claudegina.
They just walked into her house without knocking,
just like they live there. Claude did bring Sook
some soup so maybe it's okay? The fairy-friends-and-family
tell Sook not to believe a word she is hearing on
TV and that vampires are behind the bombings because
vampires want to take over the world.
Arlene, Patrick, Safira and The Ifrit:
Terry and Arlene are at Terry's grandmother's house
having a fight about Terry wanting to fight Patrick
until one of them dies. He says that is what Patrick
deserves - a fair fight. Arlene is understandably
upset and reminds him about what she, Mikey, and
her children deserve. She tells Terry that Patrick
is a terrible person (I agree). Terry states that
survival brings out the ugly in all of us.
The next morning, Arlene pulls up to Merlotte's
to open the restaurant for breakfast. Patrick grabs
her and puts a gun to her head and tells her to
call Lafayette and tell him that the restaurant
is closed for the day.
Terry has obviously received a call from Patrick
and he goes to Merlotte's to rescue Arlene. He tells
Patrick he is willing to give him a fair fight,
but Patrick isn't interested, he just wants to kill
Terry so he can go home to his pregnant wife. He
makes Terry kneel and is about to kill him when
Arlene stabs Patrick in the neck with a fork. Terry
and Patrick fight on the floor until Arlene picks
up the gun Patrick dropped, points it to Patrick's
head and tells him she will kill him if he moves.
The next thing we see is that Terry has the drop
on Patrick. Patrick tells Terry that Arlene got
an artery when she stabbed him and either he should
shoot him or take him to a hospital, but he needs
to make the right choice. Suddenly Safira appears
and it seems that she has some advice about just
what that right choice should be. Terry takes her
advice and kills Patrick. Wow! Safira declares that,
"Blood has been paid with blood." Safira
then calls on the Ifrit to take care of the body
disposal problem. The Ifrit swoops in and burns
up the body and then they are all gone - Safira,
Patrick and the Ifrit, leaving behind only a pool
of blood. You know, between Merlotte's and Sookie's
kitchen, Bon Temps is one dangerous place to visit.
Pam, Tara and Elijah:
Pam is in the storeroom
watching a TV news show about the bombing of the
True Blood factories. Tara comes in carrying about
five boxes full of True Blood (vampire strength
comes in handy). Pam asks her what she is doing
and she says that because of the bombing, there
will be a shortage, so she is hoarding their supply.
Pam tells her that if they quit serving True Blood,
their vampire customers will eat their human customers
and they will be out of business. She then has a
really cute line about politics. “There are
two things I try to stay away from: humans who eat
too much fish and politics.” So according
to Pam, it will be, "Heads up, t*ts out and
True Blood flowing," As Tara is leaving the
office to take the True Blood back to the bar, she
pauses and tells Pam that she can tell she is worried
about Eric. This attempted sympathy does not please
Pam who tells her that just because they shared
a human (wonder what happened to Tracy the blood
slave?), they are not Gayle and Oprah. To which
Tara replies, “Suck me, Vampire Barbie!”
Hey, they are working on it.
Later that evening,
Pam sees an ugly a** vamp sitting on Eric's throne,
drinking form a human. She tells him that feeding
is not allowed in Fangtasia and that he better get
off Eric's throne or she will nail him to it. The
horrid vamp says that the Monarch's have lifted
the ban on public feeding and he, Elijah, is the
new Sheriff in town and he throws Pam across the
room. Tara rushes to her to aid and they both stare
at Elijah and so do we. I really think it was either
Marilyn Manson's drag queen brother or his drag
Alcide is driving his truck and remembering his
pack induction. He is fourteen and he and a very
young pretty Debbie are standing in the woods with
a group of other young werewolves, a dead bear and
his father. It seems Alcide's father is Pack Master
and Dad makes a pretty speech about how humans only
care for themselves, but a pack is loyal to the
pack. He asks Alcide to choose and he chooses pack.
Debbie looks to Alcide for guidance and she chooses
pack. Alcide's Dad then anoints their foreheads
with the blood of a bear that they have just killed.
This was meant to be sweet and life affirming, but
Alcide arrives at his father's trailer which is
stuck out in the middle of a field. Everything on
the premises, including Alcide's father looks down-in-the-mouth.
Alcide greets his father. Dad has hit hard times
(and the bottle) and is now on disability and betting
his check on the dog races which he is presently
watching on the TV. There is something so intrinsically
low class about trailers and dog races, especially
in the same sentence. Dad does not want any advice
and offers Alcide a beer. Alcide tells his Dad he
lost the Pack Master contest and has been abjured.
Dad says that make Alcide just like him and Alcide
says he will never be like him. Well that is good
The Wolf Pack, JD, Martha,
Puppy Emma, Russell and Steve:
Guess who has come calling on Emma's grandma's pack?
It's wolf lover Russell Edgington and his new boy
toy, Steve Newlin. Russell is telling Steve how
he has always liked having wolves around and Steve
says that he never had a pet. They go inside the
wolf barn and Russell congratulates the new Pack
Master and offers his blood. Everyone rushes to
partake except Martha who is holding Emma in her
pup form. Russell notices that Martha is holding
back from the vampire blood ceremony, so he punishes
her by stealing Emma and giving her to Steve as
a pet. JD tries to stand up for Emma who he says
is a member of his pack and Mr. Edgington cannot
take her, but Russell almost chokes him to death
or maybe he does. Russell and Steve leave with puppy
Emma, while Martha and we all wail.
Oh my oh my - Bill!
When Bill betrayed Eric AGAIN it wasn't much of
a surprise. Since Season I, Bill has tried desperately
to reinvent himself every time he is faced with
a new situation. Just look at the way Bill acted
when Sookie first rescued him - he was slithery
and seductive and a perfect fourth to the terrible
three of Diane, Liam and Malcolm. When nasty vampire
charm did not work on Sookie, he became Southern
and charming. Then when he was at Russell's he reverted
to being devious, cunning and uncaring about humans
(Tara, the stripper). But because he was at Russell's
and Russell was into appearances, he covered it
with a touch of class. When he became King, he played
at being a good King, but in all of his roles, there
does not seem to have been a "him," just
a hole to be filled by whatever the situation demanded.
He is like tofu, he absorbs the flavors of whatever
surrounds him. Now he is at the Authority and Salome
and her craziness is filling his emptiness and turning
him into a crazed Lilith loving maniacal murdering
Sanguinista. No surprise, but still sad.
And how about Salome? It is clear now that she is
the Season V villain joining notorious Hall of Famers
Rene, Marianne, Russell and Marnie. So the season
will end when she is taken down.
P. S. We were given a powerful clue this week when
Bill bit Salome and went into that crazed trance.
Methinks the blood in that vial has never been Lilith's,
it's Salome's and it is totally toxic.
I wrote last week about how crazy it was for Salome
to trust the human guards not to kill her while
she is "in the ground" since these guards
are the kind of men who would procure half a dozen
humans plus a baby so the vampires could feast.
And supposedly the guards are so degenerate they
were fine with that task.
But now I am wondering again about those human guards.
Originally, they signed on to work for Roman and
Roman was a mainstreamer. Yes, the guards are immoral
- they gooified the "rescue vamps" at
the shipyard without blinking - but how happy could
they be with the present regime and having to listen
to constant screams as their fellow humans are being
eaten alive? Would it be unreasonable for them to
worry that perhaps some night, there might be a
shortage of humans in the pens and one of them will
end up as dinner? Or that there might be real human
world consequences for them from the slaughter of
the wedding party to which they must have become
accomplices (who cleaned it up?). And maybe that
is how Eric and Molly get out of The Authority.
It is not implausible that some of the guards like
Molly (we do) and I am pretty sure Molly would take
Eric with her, if for no other reason then she is
small, young and weak and Eric is big, old and strong.
And they both know how to recognize a crazy bitch
when they see one.
So over and out and see you next week.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 8
Somebody I Used to Know
Episode 8 was directed
by Stephen Moyer and he did a smashing good job.
He has a great visual eye and created some really
fun scenes, especially the vampire "after-glow"
and the Easter candy fairy walk to the bridge. And
he filmed Alcide and Terri's exhibition quality
So here is a look at what happened
Sookie, Jason and a bevy
Sookie is flashing away and still a hazard for Shreveport
air traffic, when Jason arrives. Sook accidentally
flashes Jason, knocking him to the ground. But not
to worry; all is well since as Jason reassures Sookie,
"You only got my head.
Jason then talks Sookie out of her misguided attempt
to empty her fairy tank, even though Sookie tells
him how tired she is of being different - having
the responsibility for her parents death and also
overhearing things like coroner Mike Spencer wanting
to suck her toes. Jason tells her that her specialness
came from their parents (I'm not too sure about
that) and she is part of her parents. And without
her specialness she never would have fallen in love
with Bill (all fandom groans). To which Sookie replies,
"Yea, big loss there." (Fandom applauds.)
And Jason replies "But you loved him, you have
your ups and downs, but you loved him. Some people
never have that." (Fandom groans again.) But
more importantly, Sookie has special gifts that
can help them find out what happened to their parents.
Sookie and Jason visit Claude and Company at Hot
Wings, saying they want to know which vampire killed
their parents. Claude is at first unwilling to help
them because as he says, "When we came to this
plane, we promised to stay out of these affairs
(meaning vampires' affairs)." But then cute
little Claudette pipes in and says she know something
that might help. First Claude tries to hush "the
Dette" but then agrees. (I wonder if they rehearse
these little manipulations beforehand or just improv.)
Claude tells Jason and Sookie to meet them at the
bridge at noon and perhaps there is something they
The next day, we see them in a field near the bridge.
Claude is holding Sookie's hand and leading her.
Claudia and Claudette make up the rear with Jason
in the middle. The two fairies are also holding
Jason's hands; the entire group paid attention in
kindergarten. Everyone looks very pretty.
When they arrive under the bridge, there are a few
more fairies waiting for them. They all hold hands
and send their energy to Sookie who goes back in
time and inhabits her mother. She says she smells
her mother's perfume and then the vampire attacks
and Sookie inhabits the vampire and talks about
how good the band aid smells. Sookie then passes
Sookie is now at home with Claude and Jason. Claude
is freaking out because Sookie psychically connected
with a vampire and that seems to be a big "No,
no." Jason is furious because as he says, his
sister went through a horrible experience and they
are no closer to knowing who killed their parents.
Claude points out that obviously Claudine recognized
Zorro Vamp but they will never know who it was because
Claudine is dead. Sookie remembers that Claudine
said, "Leave the girl alone, Warlow or Wardo."
Sookie perfectly imitates Claudine's voice and it
is very funny.
Later, Sookie is in her bathroom having just taken
a shower (she is wearing her bathrobe) when Zorro
Vamp suddenly appears in ectoplasm form and bellows
that she is his. To which all fandom replies, "Get
in line, buddy."
P. S. Strangely enough, Sookie does not look that
afraid when Zorro Vamp Ectoplasm and all his bad
manners invaded her bathroom. Surprised, scared
but not terrified. Nor did she look afraid when
she psychically bonded with Zorro Vamp during the
fairy ring séance when he was supposedly
planning to eat her. She actually looked like she
was getting off on the scent of her own blood. Very
The Authority with Eric and Bill
and the sadists:
The fun loving vampires spill
out of the elevator in slow motion. They are still
flying high except for Eric who holds back with
a perplexed look on his face. Eric asks Bill what
happened and Bill replies that they saw God. This
scene totally reminded me of what Queen Sophie said
in Season II, "Along comes this religion which
encourages you to get hammered, run naked through
the woods, have sex with whoever - whatever - and
it’s all part of getting closer to God.”
The fun kids are reminiscing about their amazing
experience saying things like, "We witnessed
a miracle." Russell comments about what a great
rack Lilith had which was a bit strange considering
his proclivities, but there is something about gay
men and boobs. Rosalyn says she was never a believer
before, but now she is. Russell is thrilled that
he was able to eat the bride. Cute little Nigel
rejoices that for the first time in six years he
was able to eat a child.
Nora declares that what happened tonight shows they
are on the right path and Roman's death was justified.
Salome agrees that they can move forward with a
clear conscience and then she says they need food
and asks Steve Newlin to tell the guards to find
a couple dozen humans and put them in the holding
cells and by the way, bring a baby for Nigel since
Nigel said that Lilith wants him to have a baby.
Steve happily runs off to comply.
Eric and the viewers are totally disgusted. Eric
says he has had enough fun for one night and asks
Bill if he is leaving. But Bill has been given an
opportunity to hang with the cool kids, and he is
not about to leave. Eric is now very alone. The
only sane man (well vampire) in a blood stained
Later Eric meets with Nora in the inner sanctum.
Nora runs into his arms and hugs him. Eric tells
her that he has loved her for over 600 years and
that all of this (Eric gestures around the room
) has clouded your mind. None of this exists; Lilith
does not exists and Salome chose this path for you.
Nora replies with the party litany that they have
just seen Lilith and Eric replies that he too saw
something, but he also saw Godric and Godric was
sickened by what they did. He then tells Nora that,
"Six hundred years ago, on the night Godric
turned you, I swore to him that I would always protect
you." Nora mouths some platitudes about Godric,
but then she said Godric lost his way and became
a perversion, a blaspheme and a weak disgusting
apologist that Lilith would happily stake. She then
says,"F*ck Godric." Eric becomes very
angry and pushes Nora down on a pedestal, but then
he lets her up with an incredibly sad look on his
face. Nora leaves with, "Lilith will show you
the way." Methinks that Salome and Nora have
been sneaking sips of Lili-blood for a while now
and are totally bonked-out bloodheads. Eric is truly
Salome invites Bill to her bedroom where she has
a young mother handcuffed to her bed. She offers
said mother to Bill as a midnight snack. The women
pleads for her life, saying she has a four month
old baby. Bill first refuses, saying that he had
children and he cannot do this and he will not be
bullied. Salome tells him that it is blasphemous
to refuse God's gift and that if he really loved
his children, why did he not make them vampire?
Bill has a flashback to when his daughter was dying
of cancer. He visited her and she begged him to
turn her, but he refused. He suddenly realized that
being a vampire is the right thing (really Bill,
you just realized that now?), and he should have
turned his daughter so he bites the screaming woman
whom I am pretty sure he is going not to turn but
simply murder. And I hope her four month old baby
is not in the holding cell downstairs, but I am
afraid he or she is.
The vampires have had their fun, so now it is back
to what they do best - hold committee meetings.
Getting rid of Roman has seemingly not rid them
of their obligation to be bored. All are present
except cute little Molly and we are still wondering
where she is and if she is okay. Salome starts the
meeting saying that they have proof they are on
the right path and they need to stamp out the mainstreamers.
Russell and Steve (who are too selfish to let themselves
be bored to true death) are busy flirting, talking
about taking a trip to Hong Kong with Steve remarking
that loves Kung Pao chicken (Um, not anymore, Steve).
Salome me reminds Russell that they have important
business to attend to. Russell reassures her that
he is "All ears, sugar lumps." Salome
is not pleased to be called sugar lumps. Kwebe suggests
assassination squads to stake mainstreamers, but
Bill has a better idea. Why not bomb all the True
Blood factories? There are only five of them and
if they dry up the source of True Blood, all vampires
will be forced to feed on humans like they were
meant to do. Salome is utterly delighted with this
brilliant idea. Eric is obviously appalled and asks
Bill what he is doing, to which Bill replies - evolving.
Sam, Luna/Sam, Andy, Kevin,
Jessica and Hoyt:
We are at the hospital. Andy has just arrested Joe
Bob. Sam talks to Luna who is freaking out that
she is expected to stay in her hospital bed and
rest when there is a gang out there trying to kill
shifters and one of them just came to the hospital
to kill her. Sam assures her that he is on it and
convinces her to stay at the hospital while he goes
down to the police station to take care of business.
Luna agrees, but as soon as Sam leaves (Kevin is
sitting outside her room as a guard) she falls into
a rage, gets up, looks at herself in the mirror
and turns into Sam. Yes another Sam. That's what
skinwalker Luna does - she becomes Sam - an hysterical
effeminate Sam filled with Luna's turbulent emotions,
but still Sam.
Sam/Luna immediately leaves her hospital room, flashing
poor Kevin with the open back of her gown (it was
Sam's butt so there was nothing in it for Kevin
or maybe not), steals some clothes and hightails
it out of there.
Meanwhile at Fangtasia, some random hot looking
goth guy picks up Jessica telling her that his blood
tastes like a milk shake. Jessica likes this idea
and takes his hand to lead him away. Bad move Jessica.
Hoyt's new "friends" take him to a house
way out in the country where they say they have
a surprise for him. They take him into a room where
he sees his present - a silvered Jessica. Hoyt's
new "friends" give him a gun with wooden
bullets with a silver core and lock him in the room
with Jessica saying he can come out when he kills
her. When they leave, Jessica piteously asks Hoyt
to remove the silver. He first refuses telling her
that she broke his heart and she slept with his
best friend. He then asks her why she cannot love
him? She tells him that she wanted to love him and
she prayed for her love to come back, but it never
did. Hoyt puts the gun to her head saying "F*ck
you Jessica" and we are supposed to believe
he shot her.
Andy is interrogating worthless Joe Bob and getting
nowhere when Sam volunteers to use some unusual
interrogation techniques. Andy mouths something
about this not being regulation, but then decides
that now is the time to make a pot of coffee. Andy
leaves, Sam then takes off his shirt and Joe Bob
yells that he is not gay. Sam says he is not either
and it turns out that he is actually not turning
gay, but into a COBRA.
A few minutes later Sam is telling Andy that he
knows where the "hate gang" is and that
they have Jessica Hamby when Sam Number 2 (AKA Luna)
arrives at the police station making Andy just roll
his eyes and totally confusing Kevin.
We are back at the cabin in the woods and gun has
just gone off and the only guard left in the cabin
opens the door and Jessica kills him. Hoyt says,
"Come on," to Jessica, but Jessica cannot
leave because it is light outside. Hoyt says his
cell does not work out in the country, but he will
send help. Jessica thanks him, but his only reply
is, "F*ck you Jessica." He leaves on foot.
Andy and Sam I and Sam II arrive at the cabin to
find Jessica and the dead "hater." It
show how far Andy has come during five seasons of
True Blood, that he does not even attempt to make
a fuss about finding the dead man. Sam II starts
sniffing and asks Jessica if there was a woman here
and Jessica says no, only that one man. Sam II aka
Luna says she smells a large woman with a bad diet
and lots of cigarettes - menthols. Sweetie anyone?
Hoyt is walking home when he hails a truck. He is
pleased to recognize a familiar face but not so
pleased when said familiar face pulls a gun on him.
Would anyone like a Bud?
Later, Sam/Luna is lying on the couch with her head
in real Sam's lap. She tells him that she has tried
to shift back, but she cannot and she is afraid
she will die. She whines a bit and reminds Sam that
he called her a psycho, but Sam just laughs it off
and tells her how handsome she is. Real Sam moves
in to kiss Sam/Luna but Luna shifts back to Luna/Luna
and immediately vomits into the waste can which
Sam (who must have been a boy scout), had placed
next to the couch.
Lafayette, Arlene, Holly,
Terry, Patrick and Safira:
Lafayette is driving home from Mexico in an old
gold Volvo. (We still don't know what happened to
the car Eric gave him.) He pulls a first aid kit
out from under the seat. It has Jesus' name on it,
so I suppose the gold Volvo is Jesus' car. There
is a vial of vampire blood in the kit and Lafayette
uses it to heal the stitch wounds on his mouth.
He thanks Jesus who then appears sitting in the
passenger seat looking straight ahead. They hold
hands. It is a sweet surreal moment.
Lafayette arrives home to find Arlene and Holly
waiting for him, wanting his help with the Terry
situation. They tell Lafayette how Terry thinks
he has been cursed and is being chase by a fire
monster. They want Lafayette to pretend to remove
the curse because as long as Terry believes the
curse is gone, he will be okay. But Lafayette has
had it and says "I'm about to slip my *ss into
this tub and get as high as a mother f*cker. Enjoys
your day." Arlene offers $50 and Lafayette
settles for $300.
We are now at a séance at the Belleflower
home. Holly, Lafayette and Arlene are present when
Terry and Patrick come running in. Arlene has obviously
phoned Terry and told him that there was a fire.
Patrick insists that they blow out the ritualistic
candles in the middle of the table. They then sit
and hold hands except for Lafayette who has obviously
decided to phone in this little exorcism. But Lafayette's
la-di-da attitude is to no avail because the candles
flare up and the Iraqi woman, Safira, inhabits Lafayette's
body long enough to tell him the she is furious
and either Terry kills Patrick or Arlene has to
kill Terry. Someone has to die. Patrick, figuring
he is low man on this totem pole, takes off running.
Fangtasia with Tara, Pam
and Tracy from Tracy's Togs:
We are at Fangtasia and Tracy from Tracy's Togs
(the shopkeeper Jessica verbally bitch slapped the
night she smelled Claude) has come in for a drink.
She sits down at the bar and lo and behold, Tara
is her bartender. Tara and Tracy apparently attended
high school together and Tracy was obviously one
of the mean girls then and still is. She starts
putting Tara down, at one points calling her uppity
and remarking that Tara is now a member of two minorities.
Tara becomes very angry, but Pam walks over to apologize
to Tracy and tell her that her drink is on the house.
Later Pam tells Tara that they need to step aside
for a talk about anger management. Tara tells her
she will as soon as she finishes fixing a Margarita
for her customer. But Pam points out that the customer
really just wants someone else's left over beer.
Pam looks into his eyes and it turns out she was
Pam has the trash-talking-but-now-gagged Tracy tied
to the torture wheel in the basement. Tracy is terrified
but it is hard to feel sorry for her since she is
both mean and stupid (trash talking a vampire in
a vampire bar?). Tara tells Pam that she thought
she was mad at her and Pam replies that her mad
face and her happy face are the same. Pam glamours
Tracy telling her that she is now Tara's blood slave
and happy about it. And it turns out that Pam was
Alcide, Ricki, JD and Martha:
Alcide and Ricki are having rambunctious werewolf
sex. This was a very hot, but also one of the most
aerobic sex scenes ever aired on True Blood.
If that's what werewolves like to do in the bedroom,
they definitely should stick with their own kind.
Any human would need a trainer (and a choreographer)
before they could participate.
Alcide is now at the Packmaster contest. JD has
kidnapped a track star from the local college and
says that Alcide and he will chase and kill him
as part of the contest. Alcide refuses to compete
under these circumstances. JD calls a forfeit but
then decides to chase the college student to death
Alcide chases after them. Alcide tells the college
kid to run home and then he fights JD. JD is hopped
up on vampire blood and nearly kills Alcide, but
Martha and Terri intervene so Alcide survives to
fight another day. This was a little hokey because
even though we are supposed to believe that JD has
magical strength because he drinks vampire blood,
Alcide is half his age and twice his size. But the
plot needs JD to be Packmaster so Russell can infiltrate
their pack, so Alcide loses this battle.
Notes: Salome has
certainly blind folded her vampire tribe and led
them out onto the plank. There is no way vampires
can survive an all out war with humans. Roman knew
this and Bill knew it before he lost his mind.
Vampires are incredibly strong,
but in a "rock, paper, scissors" style
stackup, wooden bullets trump fangs. The minute
vampires came "out of the coffin" they
needed the cooperation and friendship of humans
- thus the attempted Vampire Rights Amendment. An
"out" vampire is incredibly vulnerable
because they are helpless during the day and are
forced to trust humans to protect them. So even
though Salome seems to have triumphed momentarily,
all of the odds are stacked against her and her
kind. Every day when she goes to ground she is trusting
her undead life to a group of guards who think nothing
of procuring two dozen humans to be slaughtered.
They are obviously a group of very fine gentlemen
who should be trusted to protect her undeadness.
And as insane as The Authority
vamps appear right now, some of them must realize
they can't win so there is bound to be a huge body
count at The Authority before this season is over.
I predict that Salome, Kwebe, Rosalyn, Nigel and
Russell will all meet the true death. Russell will
probably kill everyone on that list except himself
and then Eric will kill Russell. I hope for Eric's
sake that he is able to save his sister, but somehow
I doubt it. We have twice seen Nora admonishing
Russell and Russell does not take kindly to being
admonished. I am only confident that Eric and Bill
will walk out of The Authority still undead as they
are the stars of the show. And maybe Molly.
True Blood paints "brilliant"
shades of gray. Now that we see what is really going
on at The Authority, out natural sympathies should
be with any vigilante group that tries to take them
down. But the only vigilante group in town is made
up of those horrid red necks who are attacking people
we love like Sam, Luna and Jessica. Hell, those
rednecks shot at darling little Emma so they all
need to die and quickly.
So I guess it is going to be left to the usual suspects
- Sookie, Jason and perhaps Andy, Sam, Luna, Alcide
and Lafayette - to help Eric (and maybe Bill) right
So over and out and
see you next week.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 7
In the Beginning
The Sadists plus Eric at
Russell just staked Roman and Surprise! Surprise!!
Roman is a pile of goo (red gunk mixed with blue
golf shirt). It just took him a while; the man did
not explode immediately. But hey, it happens; Season's
I Long Shadow took his sweet time to gooify. Russell
grabs Eric and I guess we are supposed to think
Eric is in danger of the true death too, but then
there is chaos as an alarm start to ring and the
lights go out (the guards have night vision goggles).
Dieter yells something about protocol and everyone
falls to the floor except Russell and Bill who missed
the mandatory fire drill and Eric who is missing.
Salome yells "Don't kill him" but she
is not being specific about just who is "him."
The guards storm the room and throw a silver net
on Russell. The lights come on and Bill looks for
Eric only to find him pinned high on a column, but
very much alive. Eric quips, "The view from
here is spectacular."
The credits roll.
Bill and Eric are back in their cell. They are convinced
they were pawns and Nora set them up. Cute little
Molly is sitting outside their cell doing research
on her Mac, trying to figure out why the Istake
did not work (well, duh, Salome disabled it). They
ask her if she supports mainstreaming and she says
"Of course." I hope Eric will take her
with him when he leaves The Authority. Things are
about to get really messy and supposedly mainstreaming
Molly is a neat gal.
That charming mass
murderer Kwebe arrives to tell Bill and Eric that
they have been invited to visit with Chancellor
Agrippa (Salome). From then on, The Authority nerds
do lots and lots of talking. So here goes.
When they arrive
in Salome's room, they find Salome and a refreshed
pretty Nora who obviously is no longer a prisoner.
Eric is furious with Nora for setting them up and
when Nora calls him brother, he tells her that she
can go "f*ck herself." Then Russell makes
a huge entrance, diving through Salome's curtains.
Russell is out of his pajamas and fuzzy slippers
and nattily attired in a suit. Bill and Eric are
severely displeased to see Russell in any form,
nice duds or not. Russell says he wants bygones
to be bygones and he is willing to overlook Eric
killing Talbot. Eric hisses that Russell slaughtered
his entire family. Salome says "We are all
friends here," to which Bill, who remembers
that Russell ordered Lorena to kill him replies,
"The f*ck we are." Boy do they have tough
vampire fraternity rush in Nola.
Bill asks why they
needed to involve them in their plots when if they
wanted to take down Roman, they had hundreds of
years of opportunities. Salome says that the Vampyr
Bible is very specific about how such a thing should
be done. And then she says something that surprises
no one; she is the one who dug up Russell Edgington
as he was the only vampire strong enough to take
out Roman. Salome mouths some platitudes about her
deep regrets about the demise of Roman to which
Bill replies that "You cannot play the grieving
widow and take over at the same time."
Eric wants to know
how she knew where Russell was buried and Salome
replies that, “The night you were ordered
to show him to true death, I followed you.”
(Hmm, Eric buried him a couple days later, not the
night he was given the order so how did she really
find out?) Russell declares that he is now a big
Lilith fan. Russell is so totally playing those
two quasi lipstick-lesbians that he can barely contain
Salome tries to
be a peacemaker and talk Bill and Eric into the
worship of Lilith, but it is a hard sale. Salome
and Nora ask Eric to join them to which he replies,
"Never you Bible banging c*nts." Bill
confirms that he thinks that mainstreaming is the
only way their species can survive. Nora becomes
visibly nervous when Eric refuses to climb on board,
but Salome invites them to a ceremoney that will
take place the following night and Bill and Eric
agree to attend. Nora thanks Salome for her generosity
and Salome replies that all thanks go to Lilith.
I severely dislike this Lilib*tch and I have yet
to see her.
A very sulky Bill and Eric attend the next night's
party at the Vampire inner sanctum. All the fun
loving vampires are there: Salome, Nora, Kwebe,
Dieter, Rosalyn and Steve Newlin. Nora tells the
room that Roman always said that they evolved from
humans and the blood in the vial was symbolic, but
they did not evolve from humans and the blood in
the vial is not symbolic at all,"This blood
which Salome holds in her hands right now, it is
the blood of Lilith. Nothing could be less symbolic.
Whatever doubts any of us have will be erased.”
Salome then announces that they are all going to
drink some of Lilith's blood tonight. Dieter is
unconvinced and points out that what they are about
to do is blasphemous and Russell replies to that
statement by ripping off Dieter's head and then
asking Lilith to forgive him. Nora gives Russell
a huge smile (she did not like Dieter, who burned
her with UV rays the entire time she was a prisoner)
and replies that "She (Lilith) does."
Rosalyn's looks at Dieter's goo and she's instantly
on board with whatever the cool kids with no curfew
want to do. Steve Newlin states that, "I'm
like a tree in the wind, I'm just so happy to be
included." Bill asks Eric if they are going
to participate and Eric says basically why not,
it is just vampire blood and they are vampires.
Well so much for the "why not" business
because two seconds later the entire crew including
the vampire baby eater are on the streets of New
Orleans, fanged out and drunk as skunks on Lilith's
supposed blood. A cab driver makes the mistake of
honking at them and is utterly terrified when the
vampires attack his cab. But then it is on to the
real fun. Russell crashes a wedding rehearsal party
at a karaoke bar. The bride-to-be is singing "You
Light Up My Life" to her fiancé while
her proud parents watch. Russell joins the singing,
totally terrifying the partygoers who recognize
him as Russell something or the other. But then
the rest of the vampires arrive, attack, and proceed
to eat everyone in the room including a six year
old boy who is dinner for the baby-eating vampire.
While they are in this feeding frenzy, they have
a collective vision. A totally naked fanged out
woman covered in blood arises from the mist, hissing
like a Jurassic Park raptor (no wonder
Adam asked God to go back to the drawing board.)
Every vampire in the room is entranced except Eric,
who looks up from his meal to see ghost Godric admonishing
him that Eric knows this is wrong, but his sister
does not and that Eric needs to save Nora. Before
Eric sees Godric, he also sees the vision of Lilith,
but after Godric appears, he is no longer able to
see her and he looks utterly stricken by what he
has just done.
all the Fairies you could
want, Jason and Jessica:
Sookie is lying unconscious on a couch in a back
room at Hot Wings (I guess that is the name of the
fairy club). A pretty blond fairy is lighting up
her legs while Claude lights her head. Jason wants
to know what is going on. "I've never been
to medical school or fairy school or nothing,"
says Jason, "So if you could put it into words
a laid man could understand?"
The fairy replies that they are testing Sookie's
luminescence which confuses Jason even more because
Sookie is still unconscious and would they please
wake her up as he thinks "Her head lit up real
good." The pretty blond fairy wakes Sookie
up and Sookie is pissed because they zapped her.
They try to say they are her friends, but she wants
no part of these new friends. Claude tells Sookie
that his family has been watching out for her family
for hundreds of years. They both tell Sookie that
there is a lot more they can tell her and that she
can do and Sookie is still unimpressed. But then
the pretty blond fairy insists that Sookie answer
some questions: she asks her if Sookie has experienced
any disturbances in her abilities. Sookie replies
that she has been a bit off her game lately (uh,
since when?). Pretty blonde fairy and Claude explain
that Sookie is dwindling. Since Sookie is only half
fairy she needs to be careful about how often she
uses her magic or she will use it up. Sookie asks
if she would die or better yet, would she be human?
Claude replies she would no longer be fae. Sookie
seems very interested in this development. It is
a good thing they did not have any Brooklyn Bridge
deeds lying around in the fairy storeroom or she
would have bought those too.
Two comments on the
fairy scene: NO ONE asked about the half fairy calculation.
Do the math: if Grandpa Stackhouse was only part
fae, how did Miss Sookie end up being half? Also,
did you see the look on Claude's face when he was
supposedly testing Sookie's luminiscence. He looked
like he had just discovered something quite astounding,
not a leaky fairy tank.
Sookie is at home, waking up at noon (she had a
hard night), when Jason brings her a breakfast tray.
Sookie is sleeping in her pink bed and she is wearing
some wonderful pink flannel pajamas which make her
look very pretty and incredibly innocent. If the
creators of True Blood wanted to visually contrast
Sookie's goodness with the venality of vampires
at The Authority, they nailed it.
Jason talks to Sookie about what the fairies told
them about their parent's death - how their parents
were killed by a vampire who smelled Sookie's blood
on a Band-Aid in their car. He tells her that when
they used to think that their parent's death was
his fault, she never blamed him. (The story was
that Jason was so irresponsible, his parents could
not count on him to babysit Sookie and had to make
a stop to take her to Gran's and thus were on the
bridge just as the flood occurred.) And he Jason
is not going to let Sookie take on the blame now.
They have a sweet brother and sister moment and
then Sookie tells Jason that "And yes, you
can eat my bacon." So much for her abilities
It is now nighttime and across the cemetery at Bill's
mansion, Jessica is feeding on the femoral artery
of some random man when Jason arrives to tell her
how he found out that vampires killed his parents.
Jessica is very sympathetic and sits down to talk
to him about it. They kiss and he tastes the guy's
blood and then they get into a fight about how she
is feeding from some man she does not even know
to which Jessica replies, "Do you know the
name of every cow you have eaten?" To which
Jason replies that he has never "F*cked a cow,"
and Jessica is back with, "It's a metaphor,
idiot." The argument heats up more and Jessica
bites Jason and Jason fires his gun hitting Jessica
in the head (she will heal, she's a vampire). The
guards arrive to protect Jessica, but Jessica just
tells Jason to leave.
Sookie is at home, remembering all the people who
asked or commented on how different she was (her
mother, Bill, Marianne and Russell) and all the
problems her difference has caused. She walks outside
and starts firing her hands in an attempt to deplete
her fae reserve.
As Jason is leaving Jessica's, he sees either a
Fourth of July celebration or the Northern Lights
emanating from Sookie's house. He sets off running.
Sam, Andy and Luna:
We lost Doug, but we still have the wonderful Bon
Temp Sheriff's department. Kevin is interrogating
Andy about what happened when Sam shot the shifter
terrorist. "Just where was Andy looking at
that time?" Kevin feels vastly superior when
Andy tells him he was obviously looking the other
way which Kevin points out is contrary to their
training. Meanwhile, Sam is sniffing the store room
while a very skeptical Kenya watches. Sam tells
her to take down a specific box on the top of one
shelf and sure enough, it is filled with Obama masks.
Sam then starts rolling around sniffing the floor.
"I'm picking up five men, maybe six. I'm smelling
bad diets, hate and envy." Kenya asks if there
is something Mr. Merlotte needs to tell her to which
Sam replies, "No."
Andy goes to Bud's
house to ask for help with the shifter killers,
but he gets no help or sympathy from Bud who is
otherwise engaged. It seems that Bud's wife is off
gambling on a riverboat, he is entertaining a hefty
lady friend named Sweetie (hint: there was a shifter
killer named Sweetie in the books), his hot tub
is hot and he has a new male enhancement ointment
he wants to try. So what's up with Bud? He certainly
is not acting like the Bud we knew.
Sam visits Luna at the hospital where he seems to
live these days when he is not sniffing crime scenes.
Sookie drops by, bringing magazines and junk food
for Luna. Sookie offers to buy Sam a cup of coffee.
They drink coffee and a very sad Sookie asks Sam
if he had the choice to give away everything that
makes him special and just be human, would he? Sam
hedges saying that a lot of people would still be
alive if her were human, but he is not sure. Even
if they were human they would still see all the
hate and want to do something about it. Sam leaves
it with "We can what if all we like, but in
the end we are what we are."
Hoyt and the Rednecks (this
is not a new band):
Hoyt is meeting with
his new friends, the multi-racial redneck terrorists.
These guys are unintentionally funny talking about
being in a hate group and saying, "If they
were called love groups, no one would want to be
Hoyt has hit rock bottom after having a red neck
he knew from middle school (Joe Bob) rescue him
from being eaten by a vampire. He declares that
he hates Jessica Hamby and that "Right now
I feel more love and acceptance in this hate group,
than I ever did in church or basketball."
The haters get a phone call telling them that Junior
is dead and they are enraged. They mention someone
called "The Dragon" but we don't know
who that is. (Bud? Bud's new gal Sweetie? The Judge?
They all, including Hoyt, get in the truck to go
do more harm. Hoyt asks about Joe Bob and it told
he is doing something else. We quickly find out
what that "something else" is. Sam is
still visiting Luna and the nurse insists that he
leave. He reluctantly starts to leave the hospital,
but as he is walking out he smells hate on an orderly
who turns out to be Joe Bob dressed an orderly.
Sam attacks him and says that he killed his friends
and Joe Bob replies that Sam killed his friend (Junior).
Yeah, but we all know who started it, Joe Bob.
Alcide, Ricci, Martha, Emma
Alcide is practicing fighting with the hot werewolf
chick and quickly becoming aroused. Ricki suggests
he take some vampire blood so he can win the fight
with JD for Pack Master, but Alcide refuses saying
that vampire blood makes were wolves dead inside.
Martha arrives to try to talk Alcide out of his
challenge. Alcide says that JD is on vampire blood
and Martha swears on her son's grave that is not
true to which Alcide replies that Marcus does not
have a grave because Martha ate him. Martha tells
Alcide to "Don't get literal on me Rambo."
Then cute little Emma runs into the barn in her
wolf form and Martha leaves to find her something
JD is speaking to the pack, telling them that there
is going to be a war between vamps and humans and
they need to ally with the vamps and to do so they
need drink vampire blood so this vamp he knows (Russell
anyone?) will know they can be trusted. He takes
a swig form a vial and starts passing the blood
around. He offers some to Emma who has come into
the room. Martha arrives and grabs Emma and takes
her away telling JD that she does not know him anymore.
I like Martha, but boy is this an unsafe place for
Arlene, Holly, Terry, Patrick
and the Ifrit:
Arlene is watching her wedding video in Sam's office
at Merlotte's. There are poignant scenes of Terry
kissing her pregnant belly, Hoyt and Jessica being
happy together and Jason saying how much he wished
Sookie was there (the wedding took place while Sookie
was in Fairyland). Holly joins her and Arlene says
that she had everything and did not even know it,
but now Terry is off his meds and crazy. Holly says
he just has PTSD. But oh no, Arlene tells her about
the smoke monster and doesn't that prove Terry is
crazy. Holly says not necessarily (Holly, unlike
Arlene, remembers where they live and which show
they are on) and Arlene will feel horrible is there
actually is a smoke monster and she did not fight
for her man. Right now would be a good time to hear
from Tammy Wynette.
Terry and Patrick are sitting in a field, freezing
in the cold. Patrick tries to crack a joke about
how it would be ironic if they froze to death while
trying to hide from a fire monster. Terry is not
appreciative of Patrick's attempts at irony because
he is so sad about how he had to leave a wonderful
family. Then the Ifrit arrives and blows huge clouds
of smoke, laughs at them and leaves. Terry has had
it and grabs Patrick's gun so he can commit suicide,
but Patrick talks him down saying that "Suicide
is for Muslims" and reminding Terry about Coby,
Lisa and Mikey. Patrick apologies and says he wishes
he had never given the order to shoot that woman
to which Terry replies, "But you did."
This is a problem that is not going away and what's
up with this Muslim dissing? Both Terry and I are
very down on Patrick.
Lafayette arrives in Mexico to find Jesus' head,
with its sewn up mouth, sitting on a pop-art blue
hand chair in Don Bartolo's living room. Don Bartolo
is furious that Lafayette stole Jesus' magic so
he attacks Lafayette, ties him up and sews his mouth
closed too. Don Bartolo is just about to cut open
Lafayette's head so he can feed the blood to his
pregnant wife which will (he says) send the magic
Lafayette stole from Jesus to Don Bartolo's unborn
child. But this is a no go, because said pregnant
wife grabs a knife and stabs Don Bartolo about a
dozen times. Good for her; that man was loathsome.
She then cuts the stitches on Lafayette's mouth
and after the camera cuts away, I bet she unties
Tara, Pam and Lettie Mae
Tara is wearing a skimpy black leather outfit and
dancing on a pole when Lettie Mae arrives to spread
her usual gloom and doom. Lettie Mae's outfit, however,
is wonderfully cheerful. She walks into the vampire
bar wearing a flowery spring frock, spectator pumps
and white gloves. She asks Tara how she could do
this to her, Lettie Mae? To which Tara replies something
on the lines of "Doing what to whom?"
Lettie Mae then says that Tara is dead to her now
because she (Lettie Mae) is a minister's wife and
cannot have a vampire daughter. Tara menacingly
says that Lettie Mae will be seeing her.
Afterwards, Tara breaks down in front of Pam who
says she will forget all about this in a hundred
years which I guess was supposed to be comforting.
Tara hugs Pam who is quite nonplussed, but does
not push her away immediately. Then she does push
her away and says it is time for Tara to get back
on the pole. Give them time: these two are still
working at defining their relationship.
So where are we? Salome and Nora really opened Pandora's
box when they invited Russell into The Authority.
How could anyone see him kill Roman and Dieter and
not worry that they might be next? There is an old
theater adage that you don't bring a gun onto the
stage without firing it and the Russell gun has
a lot more bullets.
The True Blood writers love to create parallel
structures. In Season III, Russell brought havoc
down on his own head when he invited Bill and Eric
into his home and then kidnapped Sookie. They were
not nice house guests: Eric killed Talbot, Sookie
killed his old friend Lorena and escaped with his
prisoner Bill, and Sookie's friend Alcide killed
a bunch of Russell's werewolves. Russell certainly
got what he deserved, but I am pondering this parallel
and wondering if when The Authority kidnaps Sookie
(you know they will) if she won't pull a Sookie
version of Russell Edgington's Trojan horse and
take down The Authority from the inside. She always
looks so innocent and helpless, but sh*t just seems
to rain when she is around.
The other parallel
that comes to mind is Patrick and Terry killing
the family in Iraq, vampires killing Eric's human
family, vampires killing Sookie's parents and vampires
killing an entire family plus their friends at the
karaoke bar. For Eric and Sookie's relationship
ever to progress, they will need to deal with what
happened to her parents. And they will be doing
this "dealing" just after Eric participated
in the slaughter of a random human family in a manner
quite similar to the way his own family was slaughtered.
As Dieter said, "This is heady stuff."
P. S. Anyone who believes that Sookie was actually
depleting her powers when she almost hit the space
station with the light from her little microwave
fingers has not been watching the same show. Those
devious fairies manipulated Miss Sookie by telling
her exactly what she wanted to hear so she would
go out and do what all of fandom has been wanting
her to do since she first discovered her light -
practice and learn how to use her power. If she
figures out how to concentrate when she wants to
get rid of her light, she will know how to concentrate
when she needs to fire her light.
So over and out and
see you next week.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 6
This was quite the
episode so put on your seat belts, we are in for
a ride. Here is what happened to our (all unhappy)
campers this week.
Party at the Asylum and Its Aftermath with Sookie,
Eric, Bill, Alcide and Kwebe:
Episode 6 begins where the Episode 5 ended. We are
in the dark, scary asylum and pandemonium with wolves
has broken loose. A wolf is pulling Alcide down
the hall and Sookie is chasing after him yelling
"Alcide, Alcide" as Bill chases after
her yelling "Sookie, Sookie." More wolves
jump out of the morgue's metal body cabinets. The
fight is on and soon there are two dead werewolves
turned back into human form lying on the morgue
floor. Russell who is obviously not as sick as he
first appeared, jumps from bed and tries to take
a bite from what he calls his "Twe Fairy Vixen."
But before he can sink his fangs, little Miss Twe
blasts him into the wall, something that delights
Russell even though he says he loathes that aspect
of the little fairy. Eric pins Russell to the wall
and is about to stake him when Bill talks him out
of if saying that if they take him in alive, they
might live too. Eric says he doubts that and he
would rather go out in a blaze of glory, but Bill
says that he has no right to make that decision
for him. So Eric stands down.
Then, just as though we were not having enough fun,
Kwebe arrives with his storm troopers and their
red dots that signal wooden bullets. He takes Russell
prisoner, slapping him when he disses what he calls
Kwebe's absurd magical thinking and worship of Lilith
by saying, "‘You may as well be praying
to Leprechauns or Unicorns or the motherf*cking
Kardashians!" (When Eric hears Russell disrespecting
Lilith, he actually smiles; I guess Eric recognizes
bull crap when he hears it.) Kwebe notices Sookie
and Alcide and Eric explains that they are just
random people who they found by the side of the
road "humping like livestock" and they
used them and their van to transport Doug to the
asylum. This is a poor story, but pretty good for
spur of the moment. Kwebe then points out the Sookie
and Alcide know too much and Bill replies that it's
nothing that a little glamouring won't take care
of. Kwebe seems unconvinced for a moment then he
agrees, probably because he has a more pressing
matter on his mind. So he asks one of the storm
troopers (I wonder if these storm troopers are gay
too) to make sure that Sookie and Alcide are glamoured.
Sookie sneaks a quick look at Eric who gives her
an almost imperceptible nod and touches his ear
to indicate that the guards can hear. Bill pretend-glamours
Sookie, telling her that she will forget both him
and Eric and live her life as a human in the light.
This was supposed to be sad and it was, but Bill
sure does love the sound of his own voice. Eric
first tells Alcide that they owe him and then he
heals Alcide's head wound. Eric glamours Alcide,
telling him that he will forget everything that
happened tonight from the time Bill and Eric arrived
at Sookie's, and that he will protect Sookie with
his life, but he will also keep his paws off of
her because Sookie actually disgusts him. Oh that
Kwebe locks Eric and Bill in the back of a van;
they still seem to be prisoners. Eric asks if this
means that their death sentence has been lifted
and Kwebe says that is up to Lilith and Bill agrees.
Once in the van, Eric asks Bill what's up with all
this religious Bill sh*t and Bill replies that he
is covering his ass. Eric says that Lilith can blow
Kwebe is now ready to take care of some serious
business - the humans in the asylum plus my new
favorite character Doug. The humans tell him that
they can identify the woman who rescued Russell
Edgington, that they will never forget her. And
would Kwebe please glamour them so they can forget
the entire nightmare. Kwebe tells them he will glamour
them, apologies to them for what vampires did to
them and then kills them all including my Doug who
I will mourn for the rest of the season. Clue time:
Kwebe is not on board with the mainstreaming agenda.
Now that Doug is dead, Eric is back to being my
favorite character. The "would someone please
stick a nail in my eye" look he gets on his
face whenever Kwebe or Roman pontificate about religion
is a Master Card priceless moment.
Alcide and Sookie drive home. Sookie is crying because
she suspects that something bad is about to happen
to Bill and Eric. Alcide has no idea where they
are or how they got there.
The next morning Alcide wakes up at Sookie's. He
has slept in her upstairs bedroom and it is an absolutely
hysterical scene. He is lying alone in her bed covered
by her ultra feminine fluffy pink comforter. His
feet poke out at the end of the bed and when he
sits up, he looks like "Ballerina Wolf Drag
Alcide stumbles down stairs to find Sookie sitting
in the kitchen drinking coffee. They both have hangovers
and Sookie tells him to help himself to coffee,
but if he wants food, he is on his own. Alcide has
sporadic memories of making out with Sookie so he
asks her, "Did we?" Sookie says "No,"
with the same irritation she would have had for
that question before she got drunk on peach schnapps.
So much for the question of whether their almost
hookup would have occured if she had not been drinking.
Alcide says he cannot remember anything, so Sookie
matter-of-factly grabs his hand to help him remember
and he recoils from her. But Sookie is growing a
brain; she immediately realizes that Eric added
a few phrases to Alcide's glamour. She says f*cking
Eric, but she is not mad, just exasperated. (She
also did not get mad when Eric made his remark about
Sookie and Alcide humping like livestock - she got
it.) She then grabs Alcide's hand again and restores
his memories of the night before. Alcide immediately
remembers seeing JD from the Shreveport pack at
the asylum and deduces that some of the Shreveport
werewolves are now on V and it is Jackson all over
again. Alcide is not having any of that nonsense,
so he storms out of the house to go take care of
it. As he is leaving Sookie assures him that he
should not mind about her, she will just stay home
and slip into a coma.
Eric and Bill are now back at The Authority. And
guess what? There is a party in their honor. It
is a dull party, but everything the chancellors
do in this room (except staking) plays like hedonism
brought to you by the Baptist Church. Everyone is
celebrating, including little Molly who cheerfully
removes the boy's Istakes. Roman enters the room
wearing a blue golf shirt and carrying a bottle
of vintage Austrian hemophiliac blood which he says
was incredibly expensive. He is thrilled to see
the boys. Salome says that she has been interrogating
Russell and has filled his veins with silver, so
he is no danger to anyone. Eric asks Salome if he
can speak to Chancellor Gainsborough and Salome
says that Nora has confessed to being Sanguinista.
Roman works the room
like a football coach after a Super Bowl victory.
Roman says he is happy because by bringing Russell
in, Eric and Bill have proved their support of mainstreaming.
Bill confirms that this is true, but Eric artfully
dodges the question by saying he has felt protective
of some humans in the past and "I was never
very religious, but as long as the affairs of humans
do no personally impact me, I remain a pacifist."
Eric says this with the same snarky grin he used
to convince Russell Edgington he had no interest
in Sookie in Season III. When Eric speaks about
caring for some humans in the past, Roman gives
him a look that makes me think that he knows just
how soon in the past this "caring" was.
By not mouthing the platitudes Roman wants to hear,
Eric is being clever. I suspect he smells the smoke
of revolutionary fire in the room and does not want
to ally with a particular side. He then asks Roman
if he can see Nora and when Roman asks why, he tells
him the Nora is his sister. Bill is displeased by
Eric's revelation, but I suspect Eric has figured
out that quite a few people in the room already
know about his relationship with Nora, so it does
Salome wants to leave the party to continue interrogating
Russell (and to keep from being bored to tears),
but Roman tells her not to bother because he is
going to execute him tonight. Salome demurs that
Russell knows too much and they should keep him
around a while longer. But Roman is not interested
in Salome's advice (AGAIN). Roman asks if Russell
is silvered. Salome replies that he is and suggests
that she put more silver in Russell and bring him
to Roman. Roman tells her to put an Istake on Russell
so he, Roman, won't get messy when he executes him
because he wants to hit the links tonight (there
is an all night golf course nearby???). Salome reluctantly
Eric is standing outside Nora's prison cell trying
to talk to her while Nora frantically prays to Lilith.
(It's never any fun to find out that your sister
is a raving lunatic.) Salome walks past them with
the guards and Russell who is supposedly on his
way to his execution. Salome tells Nora that Russell
will be executed tonight. Nora is thrilled and says,
"It's finally happening." Eric inquires
just what is happening? And then with a sense of
foreboding, he vamp speeds back to The Authority
Russell is on his knees, wearing an Istake while
he and Roman have a bitch fest. Russell says he
wants to gorge on human blood because he likes it;
it makes his dick hard. Russell tells Roman that
he is a hypocrite and this is all about Roman's
ego. Roman is incensed and yells that it is about
order and he then pushes the code on his Iphone
to autostake Russell and guess what? Nothing happens.
The autostake has obviously been disabled by one
or more Judas Iscariots. We are back to pandemonium
as Russell jumps up, grabs Roman, pushes him down
on the table and stakes him yelling that "Peace
is for pussies". Salome cries a single tear
over the death of her longtime lover and Bill and
Eric are totally shocked, probably for the first
time in their hundreds of years of existence.
Sookie and Jason and their
Jason has a dream where he is sitting on his couch
and talking with his father. Jason promises his
father that he will find the vampires who killed
them and make them pay. His father says, "The
only thing you have to worry about is.." and
his father is gone as Jason wakes up.
We are now at Merlotte's and Arlene and Holly are
talking about how concerned Arlene is about Terry
when Sookie walks up to post her customer's order.
Sookie is in a foul mood; she is hung over and her
customer just gave her his entire order while looking
straight at her chest. Arlene says that men are
just dogs except for Terry of course and Holly chimes
in and says except for Andy too. Sookie snorts at
that and says men are good for just one thing. Arlene
and Holly get happy expectant looks on their faces
because they think Sookie is about to share some
juicy tidbits about vampire sex, but no such luck.
According to our newly jaded Miss Stackhouse, men
are dogs and only good for bringing trouble into
Jason comes to Merlotte's to see Sookie. He tells
her that their parents were killed by vampires.
Sookie pooh poohs this theory and asks Jason if
he is on V. She says that everyone knows that their
parents died in a flash flood. Jason reminds Sookie
about how Bill made it look like the Ratrays died
in a tornado (foreshadowing, foreshadowing!). Jason
then tells Sookie about the fairy night club and
how he saw Hadley there. Sookie wants to know where
the Fairy night club is and will Jason take her
there? Jason says it is at the Thibodeaux farm and
off they go. So much for Sookie working at Merlotte's
Sookie and Jason arrive at the field. They run into
the middle and Sookie can hear the nightclub. Suddenly
she enters the portal and is gone. Jason is running
around the field yelling, "Hey, that's my sister
you fairy f*ckers. Bring her back, " when Sookie
suddenly reappears, grabs his arm says "Come
on Jason," and voila they are both in that
utterly amazing fairy burlesque club. I would be
happy if the rest of the season took place in the
Jason immediately see that one of the male waiters
is wearing his tie from his previous visit to the
club (the one where he ended up home naked) and
attempts to retrieve it. The male waiter mistakenly
thinks that Jason wants him along with the tie and
Jason has to disabuse him of that notion. Sookie
see Hadley and asks about Hunter. She is telling
Hadley not to trust fairies that they are not what
they seem when suddenly a much better looking Claude
from Episode I of Season IV appears and says something
to the effect of, "Who is?" and grabs
and hugs Sookie. Sookie is taken aback because she
does not recognize Claude (we don't either because
it is a different actor), but he patiently explains
that he was the one who saved her from Queen Mab's
harvesting experiment. To which Sookie replies,
"No way, that guy had meth teeth and bat ears."
But nothing fazes Claude who cheerfully explains
that fairies change appearance depending on the
frequency. Okay if you say so.
Sookie is worried about Hunter and asks Hadley if
he ate the light fruit. Claude tells her that they
are not part of Queen Mab's group - they don't serve
light fruit and they especially don't like Mab's
Disneyland uniforms (the club costumes are spectacular
but sort of Disneyesque too but not quite so Maxwell
Parrishish). Claude says that Hadley can leave anytime
she wants to, but Hadley wants no part of this "leaving
anytime she wants to" as she and Hunter could
become Happy Meals for a vampire. Sookie tells Claude
she is sorry about Claudine and Claude mutters some
platitude about how Claudine chose her own path.
Besides he has lots of sisters and four of them
are here tonight. Sookie asks him if what Hadley
says is true, did vampires kill her parents? Claude
says that he only knows what Claudine told him -
a vampire stopped her parents car on the bridge
because he smelled some blood, Sookie's blood, on
a band aid on the back seat. Sookie is devastated
and her hand (involuntarily I hope) lights up to
blast Claude and this time it looks like she has
a fire ball. Four fairies also light up and we are
out of that scene.
Jessica, Tara, Hoyt and
Jessica and Tara get into a girl fight over the
fact that Tara was helping Hoyt commit suicide-by-vampire.
The fight is awesome, but then they stop for a second
and Jessica says, "I guess that whole friendship
thing is on hold," To which charming Tara replies,
"What do you expect when you come into my house
and f*ck with me." Pam has been enjoying the
fight but she has now had enough. She grabs her
progeny by the hair and marches her into her office
for a lecture on who owns the bar and who works
there. But then Pammy tosses her progeny a bone.
She tells Tara that she did good and she is proud
of her the way a human would be proud of a well
trained dog. This little relationship is going to
take a while to develop.
Hoyt talks to Jessica. He misinterpreted Jessica
saving him from Tara to mean that Jessica still
loves him. He says he is willing to do anything
she wants, he just wants to be the one she does
it with. Jessica is hurt also, but she tells him
it is over. So Hoyt leaves to find someone else
to kill him.
Hoyt is out behind Fangtasia letting a male vampire
drink his blood. The vampire says he thinks they
need to stop, that Hoyt's heart is slowing down
and Hoyt says he does not care. The vamp proceeds
to drink away when suddenly the Obama masked terrorists
are back, but this time in a van. They shoot the
vampire who immediately explodes, yell "Yes,
we can" and pull Hoyt (who they recognize)
into the van and speed off.
Sam, Luna, Emma, Martha
Sam and Luna are both alive, strapped into gurneys
and being wheeled through the halls of the emergency
room while they scream at the top of their lungs.
They are not screaming in pain, but about how they
have to find Emma.
Later Luna is in her hospital bed and Sam unhooks
his IV and comes to visit her. The nurse acts like
a nurse and object to his visit. But then something
wonderful happens, Martha arrives with Emma and
tells the nurse that "You need to get away
from me before I hurt you." She then tells
Luna and Sam that Emma came to her last night as
a wolf, running through some really bad parts of
town. Luna tells Martha that just because Emma is
a wolf (are we really sure about this - well I guess
so unless there was another wolf around both times
she shifted for imprint purposes), that she, Martha,
cannot have her. Martha says that she understands
and she just wants to be part of Emma's life. Luna
finally relents because she realizes that with someone
running around town killing shifters, Emma might
be safer with Martha for the time being.
Andy arrives at the hospital to investigate the
shooting. He talks to Sam and after a lot of unnecessary
hemming and hawing, Andy agrees to let Sam and his
heightened senses go with him to look for the shifter
killers. Sam seems to have recovered very quickly
from his bullet wound. Must be a shifter thing.
Andy and Sam go the Stake House and Andy is interrogating
a man named Junior who seems to run the place. Sam
asks him about the wooden bullets with silvers cores
and Junior says that he is selling about 1500 a
month which Andy remarks is enough to kill the entire
town. Junior asks Andy why they are not doing anything
about the other supernatural creatures in Bon Temp.
Junior is also eyeing Sam who is looking at crossbows
and it is obvious that Junior knows that Sam is
not entirely human and that fact does not please
Junior. Junior says he is going to get some of the
bullets from under the counter to show Andy, but
he comes up with a gun and Sam shoots him with a
crossbow. Junior gets off one shot which hits the
defaced cardboard Steve Newlin. Sam tells the dying
Junior that the arrow was for Suzanne and Emory.
Good for Sam!
Lafayette and Ruby Jean:
Lafayette calls on his mother, Ruby Jean, who is
always a delight even if the nursing home thinks
she is in a coma. She tells him she heard from Jesus
and she knows why he has not been to work. Lafayette
replies that yes, Jesus is dead (we are talking
about Alcide's supposedly dead boyfriend, not the
diety). Ruby says that Jesus is in trouble - someone
sewed up his mouth, but even so he needs to talk
to Lafayette. And the man who caused all of this
trouble for Jesus is the man who made him drink
goat's blood. Lafayette asks his Mama how she knows
that and she replies that "I ain't go no f*cking
clue. The electricity just runs through me."
Lafayette remembers the fun trip that he and Jesus
had visiting Don Bartolo in Mexico during Season
IV and decides to go on a sentimental journey. As
he leaves, Ruby Jeans tells him that "Jesus
loves the little faggots." This is good to
Terry, Patrick, The Ifrit
We are still at Eller's bunker in South Dakota.
Patrick manages to get Eller killed by tying him
to a chair in his bunker and then leaving him for
the Ifrit to burn to death. This is supposedly an
accident, but Terry is very displeased with Patrick's
continuing poor judgment. Speaking of angels of
death - I nominate Patrick.
Terry and Patrick are driving back to Louisiana
when Terry realizes that he has had more than he
can bear. He bails out of the car while it is still
moving. Patrick chases him and they have a fight.
Patrick still thinks he can order Terry around because
he was a Sergeant and Terry was a Private, but Terry
has had it with that sorry Patrick who gave him
the order to kill the woman who conjured up the
Ifrit who chased him all the way to Bon Temp, Louisianna.
He tells Patrick that he ordered him to do something
evil and wrong. Then Terry heartbrokenly says that
he knew that the situation with Arlene, the kids
and Mikey (his voice breaks here) was too good to
Terry goes to see Arlene at Merlotte's and tell
her that if he stays with her she will die. He also
tells her exactly what happened in Iraq, about how
he killed that women and how he is cursed. Arlene
says there is no such thing as a curse. Really Arlene?
Don't you live in Bon Temps where super naturals
and all their shenanigans run amok? Terry finally
convinces Arlene that he has to go, but we all know
that is not the end of this. There are too many
people for Arlene to ask for help, starting with
her witch friend Holly who just happens to be working
the same shift today. And then there is Lafayette.
Oh wait, Layette is visiting fun loving Don Bartolo
in Mexico, so Arlene will just have to wait until
Lala gets back to town with or without Jesus or
Alcide and the Werewolves:
The werewolves have gathered in the torture barn.
JD seems to be Pack Master now and he is making
out with one of the women while the rest of the
werewolves sit around and watch. According to the
room chatter, this seems to be a pattern for JD
- moving from were woman to were woman This is is
bad news for the pack's were women because JD is
totally gross. Alcide arrives and confronts JD about
how he (JD) is sucking vampire blood. We also find
out that JD is supposed to be Martha's partner,
which is most definitely not a good thing for Emma
guardian to be that close to a pack of wolves that
is serving Russell Edgington. Alcide, in a plan
to save the pack from V addiction, says that he
accepts the position of Pack Master (he killed the
last Pack Master so he is entitled). J D says not
so fast, I'm Pack Master now, not you. They both
take off their gloves and use them to bitch slap
each other across the face several times and then
agree to meet to fight it out. JD thinks he has
a way out of this "fighting it out." Alcide
must have a second and JD is sure no one will volunteer.
But wait, in a totally unexpected development, the
hot naked werewolf chick from Episode I (Rikki)
agrees to be Alcide's second.
This was quite some episode. It's a real shame about
Roman - talk about killing your darlings. For all
his excesses of ego and extreme dogmatism, Roman
was a Vampire Dutch boy whose finger in the dam
prevented totally anarchy. And since I assume most
True Blood viewers are human, Roman was
the only true advocate for our kind. Plus, he was
a lot of fun to watch.
We don't know who
the new guardian will be, but my money is on Salome
or Kwebe. It certainly won't be Dieter or Rosalyn
who looked totally shocked when Russell staked Roman.
And speaking of Russell, IMHO it is unlikely that
b*t sh*t crazy Russell was Trojan-horsed into The
Authority to assume a real position of power. Someone
else is calling the shots and implemented the long
range convoluted plan to bring down Roman. Russell
in all his glory is most likely another pawn in
the chess game - just like Bill and Eric.
The previews show us Sookie supposedly trying to
use up her fairy powers after one of the club fairies
told her that she only had so much magic and she
should be careful. Methinks it is much more likely
that the fairy is acting like a fairy and if Sookie
tries to become human by draining her fairy gas
tank, she will only become more powerful. At least
this is what I hope is true. That girl needs to
get her fire- balling skills down, since I am pretty
sure that The Authority knows all about Miss Sookie's
multi talents and her delicious fairy blood with
its sixty-seconds-of- vampire-sunlight attribute.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 5
Let's Boot and Rally
Episode 5 is one
of the best episodes of True Blood ever.
It was written by new writer, Angela Robinson, who
knocked it out of the park. She gave us a Sookie
who is brave, fun and kick-ass and a plot that raced
through the hour (well 50 minutes). Hell, she even
made the Terry story interesting.
So what happened this week:
Sookie, Alcide, Eric and Bill:
Episode 5 opens with Sookie and Alcide going at
it on her couch. Sookie has some wonderfully obnoxious
pink socks on her feet which she has wrapped around
Alcide's back. Sookie tells Alcide that she does
not want to talk anymore (they actually weren't).
Alcide picks her up, she attaches to him like a
monkey, and he carries her upstairs to her bedroom
where they begin doffing their clothes. Sookie is
in her pink bra and Alcide says he's waited so long
for this. But Alcide should have been a bit more
specific about exactly what "this" means,
because Sookie gives him a longing look and VOMITS
up her peach schnapps. (Pronouns are always a bitch.)
Cut away our favorite cock blockers, Eric and Bill,
who are standing in the doorway taking in the action
and I am sure the smell. Eric quips, "Alcide,
you sure do know how to treat a lady."
All fandom screams in laughter.
Sookie has changed into a red shirt and is sitting
at the table drinking coffee and talking to Bill
and Eric about how she does not know if she can
read the mind of someone who has been glamoured
the way she read Tara's mind during the Marianne
situation. Sookie asks them where they were and
says that we have been worried about you and Eric
replies, "Clearly," a snide reference
to her recent attempt to hump the local dog. Sookie
is not mad; she just stares at Eric with a sad pondering
looking on her face. Alcide, Bill and Eric start
fighting about whether or not Alcide should bring
his employee Doug into the situation. Sookie starts
to cry with her hands over her eyes. She sees the
quarreling boys through her fingers as snapping
dogs and then her crying turns to hysterical laughter.
Eric looks very concerned for a moment when he sees
Sookie begin to lose it. But Sookie rallies to explain
that she thought all of this would be over, she
said goodbye but she now realizes that things will
never be normal. Here she is a few days later -
they are back in her house and a 3000 year old vampire
wants to suck her blood so all she can say is, "It
must be Thursday."
Sookie then asks them what they are waiting for.
She puts on her jacket and says something to the
affect of "Let's go find Russell. Onward to
the jaws of death. Let's boot and rally." Sookie
then climbs through her screen less back door and
says, "Thanks Tara," and off they go.
Sookie was really amazing this entire scene.
Sookie, Alcide, Bill and Eric are now at Alcide's
parking garage talking to Alcide's foreman, Doug.
Sookie asks if Doug minds if she takes a peek into
his brain. (Doug is utterly hysterical and I would
love to see him as a series regular. Perhaps he
could take Tara's place bartending at Merlotte's
or he could be Emma's babysitter while Luna [hopefully]
recovers.) Sookie holds Doug's hand and asks him
to think about that night. Sookie enters Doug's
brain and sees a woman digging up Russell with her
hands. She cannot see the woman's face which is
hidden by her hat (Sookie can only see what Doug
saw), but she is wearing a bat emblem necklace which
after Sookie describes it, Bill and Eric recognize
as the Authority symbol. So we are now down to three
Russell-busting-out-of-concrete suspects: Salome,
Nora and Rosalyn. My money is on Salome.
Our four happy campers plus Doug are now riding
in Alcide's van. Sookie is sitting up front between
Alcide and Doug. She is holding Doug's hand, reading
his mind and giving Alcide directions (Doug obviously
helped someone move Russell). Sookie asks Alcide
if they are ever going to talk about how she puked
on his shoes and Alcide says nope. That was actually
a smart response from Alcide because that would
be a truly weird conversation. Alcide should ask
Bill or Eric to glamour that memory away. I bet
they wish they could glamour away their own memories
of that scene.
Bill and Eric are in the back of the van (the same
place where Bill attacked and drained Sookie in
Season 3). They are bickering; the bromance has
run its course. Bill is sure Eric told Nora and
Eric is just as adamant that he did not. They fang
up but just then the phone rings. It is the cute
little Authority troll Molly telling them that they
have until dawn or their autostakes will go off.
And if they don't make it, it has been rad knowing
them. So much for Salome promising Nora that they
would be safe.
Sookie and company are now in front of a very scary
deserted asylum. Bill tries to order Sookie to wait
outside with Alcide and Doug while he and Eric split
up and search. Eric says she should not go with
them because they don't have time to worry about
her. Sookie says that is crazy because she has watched
enough horror movies to know that you don't split
up when you are in a big scary asylum and there
is a crazed killer on the loose, and besides, since
sun and her microwave fingers are the only things
that work against Russell, she would be protecting
them instead of the other way around. Plus she has
a headache and needs to pee something fierce so
she just wants to get this over with. Go Miss Stackhouse.
You tell them!
So our party of five enters the asylum with Sookie
and Doug in the lead. Sook is still holding Doug's
hand, using his erased memory as a GPS. She "hears"
which direction Doug carried the body. Alcide takes
a sniff and says that wolves have been here and
Bill replies that Russell comes with wolves.
My new favorite character, Doug, is very nervous
and remarks that if he dies, he will do so never
having seen New York City. Eric replies that New
York City smells like pee and the people are rude.
Doug is not comforted.
It is now getting fun in the fun house. There are
rats and a severed hand in the hallway. And if that
wasn't scary enough, the next stop is a room filled
with more rats and corpses.
Sookie/Doug then lead them into the asylum morgue.
This is too much for Doug who bolts and runs away
only to enter a room filled with people hanging
from the ceiling in bags - Russell's food supply.
Eric remarks that they are on the right track. They
ask one of the suspended humans which way the humans
are taken when they are sent to feed Russell and
the hysterical human tells them. They leave as the
human scream to not leave him.
Bill asks Sookie if she is ready and she says yes.
They walk into the room and find Russell in a hospital
bed. Russell makes snarky remarks about how it took
them long enough and they have been making a terrible
racket. But Russell is thrilled that Miss Stackhouse
has come calling. Eric flashes fang and says that
he is there to finish what they started. Russell
tells him to take his best shot and suddenly a wolf
attacks Alcide and we are out.
Jason, Andy, Sam and Luna:
Jason is back from the fairy club and he is having
a dream. In it, he is wearing his super hero pajamas
(with feet) and it is Christmas morning. There is
a tree with presents. His mother and father are
sitting at the kitchen table and ask him if he would
like some breakfast, so he joins them and his cute
little sister Sookie. Jason is eating his breakfast
when he notices that both his parents have vampire
bites on their necks and the blood from their wounds
is dripping into their bowls of porridge. Jason
tries to point this out to his parents and his mother
attempts to comfort him by asking if he wants sex
or how about BJ? Hey, this is Jason's dream, but
that was really Freudian.
Jason wakes up as his phone rings. He is stark naked.
It is Rosie from the station and the first thing
Jason does is ask what year it is, not wanting to
lose time with the fairies like his sister Sookie
did. Hearing that he has not time travelled, he
tells Rosie that he will take care of whatever it
is that she called about.
Andy is asleep on the couch at his grandmother's
home. His phone is also ringing and Arlene comes
running in to tell him to answer it before he wakes
up the baby. Andy is also stark naked and Arlene
yells at him to put on some clothes and answer the
phone. Andy answers the phone, but it is too late.
The baby is awake and Arlene has seen the upside
of Andy, but fortunately she did not have her camera
in hand. Andy also agrees to go to wherever the
person on the phone wants him to go. Which turns
out to be Suzanne's house to investigate the murder
of Suzanne and her friend Emory.
Andy are at Suzanne's and the dead bodies remind
Jason of his dream about his parents and the vampire
bites. Jason and Andy step aside for a quick conversation
and Jason asks Andy if he remembers how they got
home from the fairies. Andy does not. Jason also
tells Andy that he woke up naked and Andy acknowledges
having the same problem. Jason says that everyone
at that club was a fairy like Tinker Ball (that's
what he said - Tinker Ball) and they were all supes.
Andy asked if he (Andy) f*cked a fairy and Jason
replies that if he got it on with one of those ladies,
that is what he did. Andy says that he does not
care they were fairies or leprechauns, he does not
want Murella (Andy's fairy fbuddy) interfering with
what he has going on with Holly. Fat chance of that
Andy - this is True Blood.
Andy then questions Sam who says that he was supposed
to join Suzanne and Emory for dinner and he found
them shot dead. Andy asks if they had any enemies
and Sam says, no they were good people. Andy then
asks if there was anything hinky going on and Sam
says there were all shifters. Andy just grunts;
he is learning to accept his new world.
Sam and Andy see that a bullet that hit a tree is
wooden with a silver core. Jason asks Andy if he
knows what is fucked up and Andy replies that he
has a pretty long list. Jason is down on vamps after
hearing what Hadley said and we can tell he is not
going to let it go until he knows.
Sam goes to see Luna to tell her about Suzanne and
Emory and she is sad to hear it but tells him that
he has to leave (who knows what Emma is up to in
her room (I hope Luna put the Barbie's on a top
shelf). Sam does leave but as he walks outside,
he is shot by a truck load of masked rednecks. Luna
runs out and is also shot and looks dead. Emma comes
out of the house and Sam tells her to run and Emma
shifts and runs as the red necks shoot at her little
wolf. These guys need to die soon, really soon.
And none of us will think it is gratuitous violence
when we watch.
Pam, Tara, Jessica
We are at Fangtasia and Pam has lent Tara a really
pretty navy blue top to wear with her jeans. Tara
is wondering around Fangtasia when Pam tells her
she needs to tend bar. Tara protests the fact that
Pam can make her work anytime she wants to and carries
on about how nothing ever changes which is a slave
reference that is pretty apt for a change.
Tara is tending bar when a pretty young girl starts
to talk to her. Tara attacks her, but Pam grabs
Tara in time and tells her that she is never to
feed on anyone in public or she will silver her
and put her in a coffin for a millennium. Mommy
Pam believes in tough love.
Jessica comes to the bar and asks Tara for a drink
of her personal mixture of True Blood which Tara
pours with skill. Jessica asks her how it is going
and Tara says that she would trade makers and Jessica
says that Pam is not that bad that at least she
will let Tara feed on humans - Bill only let her
have True Blood when she was first turned. Then
in a salute to the ad campaign, Jessica tells Tara
that it gets better even though she is lonely. Tara
says she is fresh out of friends and Jessica tells
her that she can hang with her. Tara talks about
how she is hungry all the time and has all the strange
feelings. Jessica says that they are not bad feelings,
they are awesome. Jessica asks Tara if she has fed
on a human and Tara says she has and she liked it
and Jessica says just wait until you feed and f*ck
at the same time. Jessica then goes into the spoiler
spiel of how they will live forever, be young forever
and the whole world is open to them. Tara smiles.
They are really cute together, but we all know that
will last about two minutes.
Tara goes outside to smoke and ever times she takes
a drag, half the cigarette burns. Hoyt approaches
to get a little feeding action on and Tara tells
him to go home to his Mama. Hoyt whines about what
is wrong with him. A few minutes later, we find
that Tara has obviously changed her mind. She is
feeding on Hoyt in a restroom stall while Jessica
feeds on the fangbanger who offered herself to Tara
earlier tonight in the next stall. Jessica hears
Hoyt ask Tara to stop and she opens the door and
throws Tara off of Hoyt. Tara and Jessica then start
a girl fight which is a lot of fun.
The Sadists at the
Nora is still praying in her cell saying that we
will rise up and Dieter is torturing her with the
light. Salome is standing next to Dieter and she
reacts ever so slightly to Nora being burned. But
when Dieter tells her that the boys have collected
Sookie and are at the parking garage, she tells
him to tell the boys that they have until dawn to
locate Russell. Salome says that this is the Guardian's
decree, but somehow I doubt it. Methinks she does
not want darling Russell to be found.
Salome then joins Roman in the Vampyr "holy
of holy" where there is vial of blood in a
glass case. Roman says that some think the blood
in the vial is actually the blood of Lilith. Roman
doubts that it is, but somehow I don't think Salome
shares his reservations. Roman is reminiscing about
what a great vampire Chancellor Drew was and how
he helped him draft the Vampire Rights Amendment.
He says that Drew was totally committed to mainstreaming
and I guess he means that Drew was committed until
he wasn't. Salome murmurs platitudes about moderation
which Roman totally ignores.
The episode ends with a marvelous scene. Roman preaches
to an assembled group of vampires about living in
harmony with humans and atoning for past transgressions.
He says, "There are traitors in our midst.
Those who seek to tear down all that we have built
together. Now, as Guardian, I am tasked with not
only our political future, but the spiritual salvation
of vampires everywhere. The question before us is:
Are we willing to share this world? As vampires,
we have committed crimes against humanity, crimes
for which we must now atone. The Sanguinistas want
to turn the clock backwards, want to murder with
impunity. They think of humans as nothing but sustenance.
So the choice is ours. Do we return to a time where
we skulked in the dark, hiding in the shadows? Or
are we willing to extend the promise of Lilith and
her bountiful mercy to all of humanity and live
as equals? The Sanguinistas say we are going against
our nature, and Lilith command us to feed. [That
we are] the pinnacle of the food chain. But they
are wrong. For if we let our sins flourish, we are
slaves to our blood lust. If we let our hunger for
power surpass our common decency, we doom our souls
to damnation. So let it be known; we will not cede
the floor to the depraved and desperate tyranny
of madmen and fanatics, we will not stand by while
zealots hijack the righteousness of our cause. We
will fight. And let the night cleanse us of our
sins and lead us to victory.”
But while he is pontificating
away we see a montage ala the end of Godfather
I of: Tara and Jessica feeding and then fighting
in the men's room, Jason standing at his parent's
grave vowing to avenge their deaths, the redneck
terrorists shooting Sam and Luna; and Sookie and
Company finding Russell in the asylum. All of these
story lines are supposed to come together in the
end and I, for one, would love to watch Russell
eat the rednecks. Just a suggestion.
Now on to
this week's minor stories:
Lafayette runs into his home totally freaking out
over how he almost killed Sookie. He looks in the
mirror and lo and behold, "Hi, demon."
Lafayette lights some sort of wick like the one
used by Lettie Mae and Reverend Daniels in Season
4 and tries to use it to pray to some goddess figurines
that he obviously thinks can do something about
his demon. Well, the figurines do "do something."
They begin to sing and dance and make fun of Lafayette.
Lafayette freaks some more and tosses his dolls
on the floor and stomps on them. Lafayette then
prays to Jesus (as in his former boyfriend, not
Jesus Christ) asking him for help and for him to
give a sign. This turns out to be a bad idea.
Lafayette is exhausted and lies down to take a nap
but as soon as he is asleep, he is awakened by a
noise. It is Jesus' head with the mouth sewn shut.
We skip to Lafayette's mother Ruby Jean's room at
the nursing home. She has the same new table decoration,
but instead of screaming, she just says "Jesus,
where have you been?" Well Lafayette did ask
Jesus for a sign and two severed heads does qualify.
Patrick, Terry and
We are back in the bunker with Patrick, Terry and
Eller. Eller still has a gun pointed at them and
he makes them tie each other up (this is unclear
in the episode just like it is unclear when I write
it) while he talks about killing them to appease
the demon that is causing all the fires. Eller says
he was couch surfing at the home of another one
of the soldiers and his wife and there was a fire,
but it was not an ordinary fire. The fire chased
his friends and he heard them screaming as they
died. Terry's has another flashback of when they
killed the family in Iraq. The mother was still
alive and Patrick commanded him to kill her but
before he did (unclear - Terry says he killed her
on the commentary but I clearly saw Patrick take
the shot), the mother cursed them calling on an
Ifrit (Middle Eastern fire demon) to kill them and
anyone they love. Terry tells Patrick and Eller
that as they burned the bodies, he saw a spirit
rise out of the flames. How do these boys know the
spirit is called an Ifrit? Well Eller googled it
Terry talks Eller into releasing them so they can
run; he convinces Eller that the demon is just waiting
until the three of them are together to strike.
Eller tells them that his bunker is fire proof,
but then he changes his mind and releases them so
they can all go stay with a friend of his who has
a house boat. Patrick hits Eller on the head and
ties him up. Terry wants no part of this and runs
outside. Patrick joins him and tell him that Eller
is crazy, they were all hyped up on drugs that night
in Iraq and there is no Ifrit and he is going to
turn Eller over to the local authorities. But that
is not going to happen because Heller's bunker catches
fire with Heller and the Ifrit inside.
The previews show The Authority goons coming to
the asylum where they presumably capture Russell
and take Eric and Bill back to headquarters. We
see Roman questioning Russell and we also see Eric
in the cell next to Nora. We don't know what happens
to Sookie, Alcide and Doug, but I am going to presume
that they go back home even though I am 100% positive
that Sookie will end up as a prisoner/ guest of
The Authority before the season is over. There have
been too many hints like the TV Guide photos of
Sookie posing with Roman while she is wearing evening
dresses plus the TV guide cover photo of Sookie
dressed in red velvet lying on a chase lounge in
some opulent setting. Also, Anna Paquin was interviewed
about her costumes and she said something about
how Sookie steps it up this season and wears more
sophisticated clothes. Well we are through five
episodes and so far it's been jeans and shirts,
so something is about to change.
Also, even though Eric has been trying to pretend
that he no longer cares for Sookie, he is having
a hard time keeping up that facade when he is around
her. He can't stop staring at her and gets a quickly
hidden look of concern on his face every time he
thinks she is upset. It looks like the writers are
slowly building to a Sookie/Eric reunion which will
make most of fandom, including this writer, happy.
Third thought is
that maybe there are no real mainstreamers because
no vampire can live on True Blood alone. So Roman's
dream of a mainstreaming coexistence may be just
that - a dream. Perhaps vampires cannot drink only
true blood anymore than Rick Santorum's Catholic
base can only have sex for the purpose of procreation.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 4
We'll Meet Again
So this is the episode to blame Sookie for everything.
No matter what sh*t people pulled beforehand to
get Sookie into whatever mess she is in today, it's
all her fault and everyone knows it. She killed
poor innocent Debbie Pelt and caused Tara to be
turned. Everyone has conveniently forgot about the
"prior" chain of events but here is a
* Bill Compton comes to Bon Temp to procure Sookie
for the vampire Queen of Louisiana
* After a lick of Soookie's part fairy blood, Compton
decides to keep this delicious morsel for himself
* Bill foolishly takes Sookie to Fantasia where
Eric gets a whiff of her scent and is quickly besotted
*Eric insists that Sookie go to Dallas to help him
search for Godric
* To keep Bill occupied and away from Sookie in
Dallas, Eric invites Bill's psychopathic maker Lorena
to Dallas too
* Lorena immediately wants Bill back and Sookie
* Lorena tries to kill Sookie
* Lorena has another psychopath, Russell Edgington,
kidnap Bill and take him to Mississippi where she
plans to kill Sookie and make Bill watch
*Russell send werewolves to kidnap Sookie unsuccessfully
(Eric kills one)
* Sookie "hears" from one of the werewolves
that he is from Jackson and resolves to go to Jackson,
Mississippi to save Bill
* Eric asks another werewolf, Alcide Herveaux, to
accompany and take care of Sookie
* Alcide's ex, Debbie Pelt, sees Sookie with Alcide
and is immediately jealous
*Debbie tries to kill Sookie, twice - once at Russell's
and later when she invades her home
* Russell kidnaps Sookie
* Sookie kills Lorena and saves Bill
* Bill nearly kills Sookie by draining her in the
back of Alcide's van
* Sookie unwillingly helps Eric capture Russell
(Eric used her as bait) and Eric then buries Russell
* Sookie finds out that Bill is a psychopath - well
* Sookie spends a year in fairy land
* Sookie returns to find a newly sober Debbie living
* Amongst many other events in Season IV, Debbie
figures out that Alcide is in love with Sookie
* Debbie tries to kill Sookie for the third time
and gets Tara instead and then Sookie kills Debbie
* Lafayette (not Sookie) asks Pam to turn Tara as
she lies dying in Sookie's arms.
So why you may ask, is everything Sookie's fault.
Debbie would have never been in Sookie's kitchen
if Eric had not coveted what Bill had and set in
place one of his Machiavellian plots to take Sookie
away from Bill. As in no Lorena, no Russell, no
Alcide, no Debbie. Plus there is copious blame to
heap on the head of the "mendacious Mr. Compton"
for coming to Bon Temp to procure Sookie in the
first place. But who's complaining? If all of these
events did not occur, there would be no show and
besides, Eric is really hot so it is fun to see
him play alpha-male-with -blowback. And Bill has
evolved into a twisted dark character who casts
a magnificently malevolent shadow on what already
was a f'ckedup world.
on to Episode IV.
We open on French fried Tara bravely offing herself
via tanning Bed. Pam vamp speeds to her rescue.
She opens the bed to find gooey Tara and reaches
out to help her out and gets vamp crud on her hand.
Pam has a moment of amazing sympathy (for Pam) and
then she focuses on her dirty hand. Pam tells Tara
not to do that (frying herself) again and Tara gives
her favorite response of "F*ck you" and
turns the bed back on. A fed up Pam commands her
as her maker to never do that again and Tara turns
off the tanning light.
The credits roll.
Here is what happened this
week to our happy campers:
Sookie, Lafayette and Alcide:
We are now back at Merlotte's and Sookie is standing
forlornly in the parking lot as Alcide furiously
speeds off in his truck. Lafayette comes out and
asks Sookie if she told Alcide and she says he already
knew. Lafayette freaks out; he is furious. He asked
Sookie to do one thing and that was to zip it. Sookie
is crying and she tells him that they have to do
what is right from now on and she wants to be the
girl that Gran raised. Lafayette then goes into
his preview/spoiler spiel about how Sookie will
survive, she always does - but she is the Angel
of Death who leaves a trail of bodies behind her.
Sookie is rightfully upset and you can tell she
A distraught Sookie goes to Jason's house to turn
herself in. Jason immediately inquires, "Into
what?" You just gotta love Jason and considering
the world he lives in, it was a logical question.
Sookie says that she killed Debbie Pelt and Alcide
knows and he will be at the station tomorrow so
she just wants to get it over with. Jason asks if
anyone else knows and Sookie says yes - Lafayette
and Tara. Debbie tried to kill her and Tara took
the bullet for her and she had Pam turn Tara into
a vampire. Jason goes ballistic on hearing that
Tara is a vamp (no mention of Debbie almost killing
Sookie but it is officially "Sh*t on Sookie"
week in Bon Temps). Sookie cries and says that she
ruins people's lives. Jason tells her that there
is no way he is putting her in jail and for her
to go about her business and he will think of something.
He will try to find out what Andy knows. Just then
Jessica comes in from the back bedroom and says,
"Tara's a vampire?"
The next day, Sookie is trying to be a waitress
and every mind she reads is criticizing her for
having Tara turned into a vampire. Everyone has
turned against her, even Holly and Arlene. No one
wants to know why. I guess they assume Sookie and
Tara had a spat over who was going to take out the
garbage or who used whose hairbrush and Sookie got
pissed and asked one of her vampire friends for
Then Lafayette drives up to Merlotte's in a strange
car (what happened to the sports car Eric gave him?).
He sees Sookie's car, his demon emerges and the
demon curses Sookie's car.
Alcide goes to see the Pelt's who must be staying
in Shreveport because their motel room is Super
8 quality. He tells them that Marcus Bozeman killed
their daughter. I certainly hope he gave Luna and
Sam a heads-up, but I doubt it - we need more plot
twists. Alcide cries and says he loved Debbie, but
they were no good together. The Pelts are angry
but they believe him.
Sookie is trying to drive home when her car goes
out of control and speeds up - the brakes don't
work and she bails at 80 miles an hour. Now jumping
out of a moving car at 80 miles an hour would kill
just about anyone, but Sookie just rolls out and
gets up. Hmm? Did the writers forget to Google "impact
speeds and death" or does Miss Stackhouse have
another new property/skill from her fairy heritage
or did all the vamp blood she drank turn her into
But special powers or not, our girl has had enough
and she goes home and takes out every liquor bottle
in the house and gets started on a well deserved
Sookie is getting drunk to elevator music singing
"Pina Colada" with made up lyrics about
making love at midnight in a cemetery. And in honor
of dream Sookie telling Eric that she could not
"carry a tune in a bucket," the girl really
cannot sing. But she is a fun drunk.
Sookie's phone rings - it is Lafayette who has discovered
her car and is very upset and wants to come over
to talk to her about something (he just realized
he almost killed one of his few remaining live friends)
but drunken Sookie has had enough drama from her
so-called friends for one day and tell him she is
fine and would he please have her car towed. I certainly
hope Miss Stackhouse gets a new car because that
yellow Datsun looks done-in to me. (One of the ways
I could tell that both book Bill and True Blood
Bill really did not care about Sookie [I know
he is besotted in a blood/sexual way] is that he
never offered to do anything about that horrid car.
A man who is madly in love does not drive a Mercedes
while the love of his life drives a tin can.) But
just as Sookie is getting off the phone with Lafayette,
Alcide arrives and tells her that she smells like
peaches and mint and she tells him that he smells
like Aqua Velva (aquavelvausa.com/).
Alcide then proceeds to tell her that he "cleaned
up her mess" by lying to the Pelts. I yell
at the TV, "Her mess? How about your mess buddy?
You're the one who brought that V addicted loony
tunes to the barbeque!" But Sookie, who never
holds grudges, is grateful for the help and offers
him a drink.
Sookie is making drinks and giggling.
She serves Alcide some awful concoction of Tara's
called Orange Marzipan. She says anyone who does
not like her can bite her if they have not already.
Sookie is finally having some fun. She tries to
encourage Alcide to drink. He does not want to.
She climbs in his lap and tells him that he will
do anything for her and that he is in love with
her. Alcide demurs and says "Is that what you
think?" Well, yeah. We all do. Sookie kisses
him which is something Alcide has probably been
dreaming about for a long time.
But ut oh! Who should be standing outside watching
through the lace curtains but Sookie's other boys.
Bill has come to see if Sookie is okay and Eric
joins him and remarks that this is awkward time
to drop by. Bill says that Jessica said Sookie was
having a rough time (there is a joke there) and
Eric says that Sookie seems to be recovering nicely
and why don't they go about their business of finding
Russell. The both have a pretty good idea what is
going to happen next having been in similar situations
themselves recently - Eric with Nora and Salome
and Bill with just Salome. Bill says that Sookie
could be useful and Eric sadly says that she does
not want anything to do with them anymore and then
Bills says, "I don't think we give her the
choice." So I guess Alcide is about to be cockblocked
by not one but two irritated, hypocritical vampires.
Bill, Eric, Pam and Tara
The Authority (we are back at the beginning of the
show) drops Bill and Eric off on the side of the
road and the guards throw a set of car keys on the
ground. Bill picks them up and clicks the clicker
and voila - there is a car in the woods. Bill says
he will drive and off they go.
Pam arrives at Fangtasia with her new kid in tow
only to find the place locked up. Pam enters to
give Ginger a piece of her mind about closing early
and finds Eric on his throne. Pam is thrilled and
says that Sookie has come through for her. Pam becomes
nervously flippant about how she does not need an
apology and they should let "bygones be bygones
and bi girls be bi girls." Eric asks what "she"
is doing there and Pam says Tara is hers - she made
her and he is a grandfather. Pam then sees Bill
which is always a thrill for Pam. Eric asks Bill
to leave them and Bill takes Tara to a back room
where Tara finally gets out of her nasty blood clothes
and puts on a Fangtasia tee shirt (I hope she changed
in the bathroom). Bill asks if Sookie knows and
Tara responds, "What do you think?" Bill
wants to know if Sookie is okay and Tara responds
that she will always okay. Someone will always take
a bullet for Sookie as in just look at me. Tara
then tries to give Bill advice about how he cannot
always be trying to save Sookie. This is a total
WTF. Bill and Tara are talking like old friends
and we all know that Tara rightfully despises Bill.
But maybe now that they have so much in common???
Eric has Pam pinned to the table accusing her of
letting Russell out. Pam protests that if after
everything they have been together he cannot trust
her, he should just release her. Eric replies that
he trust no one and she should not either.
Eric walks back into his office (Tara quickly leaves)
to fret with Bill about just who knew about Russell.
Bill asks if Nora knew and Eric incredulously says,
are you asking me if I told my sister, the one that
is in the Authority? Eric explains that he is not
suicidal, but you could have fooled me. That boy
looks really blue.
We are now in the Fantasia basement which is filled
with coffins (do the vamps sleep in the basement
when they have prisoners???) Pam wakes up and checks
on Tara who is still asleep. Pam and Eric then have
a beautiful scene in which he tells her that the
end is near - either Russell or the Authority will
kill him. Pam wants to help but Eric lovingly releases
her so she can live on and continue his blood line.
He tells her she is his only progeny and she was
born to greatness. They embrace and we all cry.
Pam wakes up Tara. She has brought a fang banger
for Tara's breakfast. Tara says she was human three
days ago and cannot look at another person like
she is food even though the fang banger points out
that she (the fang banger) is delicious. Pam starts
to command Tara to feed and Tara puts her hands
over her ears to drown out the sound but it does
not work. Pam commands her to bite and she does.
Pam then goes into a strangely erotic spiel about
how Tara has this human's life in her hands and
she can bring her to the point of death. She says
that the human's heart is beating so fast from fear
that Tara does not have to suck, the blood is coming
to her. She tells Tara that she is now on the top
of the food chain and humans can never hurt her
again. I guess we know where Pam stands on the subject
of mainstreaming and true blood.
Bill is at home and he and Jessica are searching
his office for bugs. Hmm? Jessica asks if Bill is
still King and he says he is. Hmm again. They don't
find a bug, but Bill does find a joint and shows
it to Jessica. Jessica is embarrassed but says she
had a few friends over and there was no people draining.
Bill acts the cool Dad and just says that the weed
is cheap and that she can handle herself. Jessica
tells him he needs to go see Sookie who is having
a real hard time with what happened with Debbie
and Tara. Bill remarks that Jessica took care of
Sookie's problem with Andy but that she should not
do that too often as Sookie will suck you in. (Are
we being prepared for Bill to be weaned of his Sookie
obsession or is this just more of the episode theme
of "Sookie is bad"? Or does Bill conveniently
have no memory of the fact that the only reason
Sookie even knew Debbie [the she wolf that fed on
the then dying Bill] is that she (Sookie) went to
Mississippi to rescue his *ss.) Jessica basically
says that she knows Sookie can be a pain, but that
this time it is different and that Sookie and Bill
are different than Sookie and anyone else. Bill
has a tender moment with Jessica where he tells
her to take care of herself and says that he thinks
he has done well.
There is a lot of contrast in these two maker/progeny
scenes. Eric levels with Pam about The Authority
and Russell and then releases her to protect her.
Bill characteristically tells Jessica nothing about
what is going on, leaving her to be very surprised
if either Russell or The Authority decide to come
The sadists at The Authority:
We are in Salome's bedroom at The Authority. Salome
has finally put on some clothes and Roman is relaxing
in bed watching a livestream of Nora being tortured
on his Apple computer (lots of Apple product placement
this season). Roman asks Salome how they can find
out who Nora is conspiring with to bring him down.
Salome advises him to continue torturing Nora (you
have to love Salome - she is truly the devil in
a Sunday hat). Roman says if Nora does not give
up her co-conspirators, she will be publicly executed
as an example to other Sanguinistas. But first he
wants Salome to talk to her. (Could Salome have
been waiting to go to Nora's aid until she convinced
Roman that it was his idea for her to talk to Nora?)
Back to our cute chancellors who are sitting around
the table, keeping track of Bill and Eric via the
GPS on their Auto-Stakes. The sadistic Dieter clicks
on a different web cam stream and sees Nora praying
so he turns on the UV rays (Kwebe reacts imperceptibly
when this happens) and then Dieter states that the
Vampyr Bible was written by a friend of his who
was high at the time. Rosalyn chides him, telling
him that Roman does not like them to disparage the
Salome and Roman go to talk to Nora who is quite
willing to be staked by now. Salome says she is
her sister and she will not accept it (she has no
problem with them continuously burning her, however).
Roman says if you don't care about yourself, how
about Eric and Bill? She says kill them, they are
practically dead right now. But when Roman pulls
out his Iphone to do just that, she relents and
asks what assurances can they give her that they
will be allowed to live. Salome bites her wrist
and puts her blood on Nora's chest promising with
her blood that they will be safe. Nora then whispers
a name to Salome or maybe not.
Back at the Authority table. Roman is walking around
talking about how his stake was made from the tree
that Judas Iscariot used to hang himself. Everyone
is nervous (who wouldn't be?). Dieter suggest that
they adjourn as they all have pressing matters to
attend to. Roman says they cannot leave because
their quarters are being searched and lo and behold,
the guards come back with yet another Apple computer
- one that belongs to the mouthy kid - Chancellor
Drew. It seems that Chancellor Drew has a vampire
version of a YouTube video on his computer showing
the cute little Drew sadistically killing a screaming
woman. Drew says it is just a souvenir of his past
and they all have fed from humans. But Roman says
this little souvenir has been sent all over the
world to the rebels with a message of solidarity.
Roman stakes the runt, and he, Dieter and Rosalyn
are all bathed in vamp goo (this was wonderful).
Roman then goes into a diatribe telling Drew's goo
to tell his constituents "You will…fall
in line. Am I understood?." The goo did not
Kwebe looks very nervous during this melee making
me wonder if Nora and maybe Salome are not in cahoots
with Kwebe and either Salome or Nora threw the mouthy
kid in the fire to appease Roman's search for a
traitor. If I were Rosalyn, I would be really nervous
because I somehow doubt Salome has any affection
for her. She supposedly has affection for Nora and
just look at how much fun Nora has had in the last
Jason and Andy:
The "fix my son's ticket" Judge comes
by to see Andy. He first teases Andy about his Facebook
fame, but then he invites his now-fellow-pervert
Andy and the famously-perverted Jason to a private
party. He tells them they need to get dressed up
for the event and he will pick them up at seven.
That evening, a "dressed up" Jason walks
into Andy's office and Andy tells him that the Pelts
have gone back to Jackson, saying they found out
what they needed to know. Andy is still suspicious
and is going to ask his new judge friend for a search
warrant to search all the homes nearby including
Sookie's. This must really upset Jason, because
Jessica (feeling Jason's fear) vamp speeds to the
station to supposedly discuss the Debbie Pelt case
with Andy. She glamours Andy out of his search plan
and tells him that he has no more interest in the
Debbie Pelt case and cannot even remember her name,
her parents or her car. Jason says Jessica is a
good friend. Jessica, a bit remorseful about glamouring
a human, agrees that she is.
So it is off to the party. Andy and Jason and the
Judge climb into the back of a limousine filled
with beautiful women. These beautiful women fasten
the guy's seat belts and then put hoods over their
heads. The limousine arrives at Claude's meadow
and the fairies walk our partygoers to the middle
of the field where they knock on an invisible portal
and then voila, they enter a circus themed magical
burlesque club which is part whorehouse and part
Cirque du Soleil. Jason is taken in hand by a beautiful
blonde named Leda and Andy sees Murella again who
is happy to see him and kisses him.
Leda is making out with Jason when she reads his
mind that he is thinking about a vampire girl. Jason
quickly catches on that this is some kind of fairy
club and then he sees Hadley who is working as a
cigarette girl. Hadley is slightly askew; she looks
like smushed marzipan. Hadley is thrilled to see
Jason and even more thrilled to find out that Sookie
is alive, but tells Jason that he has to go get
Sookie and bring her here. Hadley asks if Jason
is a refugee from the vampires who she says will
kill anyone who has even a drop of fairy blood just
like they killed Jason's parents. Hadley sees Leda
approaching and tells Jason that she has said too
much. Leda tells Hadley to go away. Jason tries
to follow up and is stopped by two fairy bouncers
who throw him and Andy (who tried to come to Jason's
resuce) out of the club and then they fairy zap
them as they lie in the field.
Hint: The fairies are probably not the good guys
in this story and are most likely "lying liars
And now for our minor story
Sam is working at Merlottes's when Arlene tells
him that Barack and Hillary are there and they are
asking for him. Don't get too excited. It is just
Suzanne and Emory from the beginning of Season IV,
but they are always delightful, so why not? But
Sam is less than pleased because the agreement at
his shifter support group is that they stay out
of each other's lives (just like Sam and Luna have?).
Suzanne and Emory know about Sam and Luna's little
spat but they say that Sam needs to spend time with
his friends and doesn't he want to go on a run?
Sam says he does and he will meet them later, but
in the meantime, they need to pay for their lunch
and nothing is particularly good at his restaurant.
I don't get the churlishness. Suzanne and Emory
are a lot of fun and add a bit of glamour to the
show whenever they appear.
Or I should say "added a bit of glamour' because
when Sam arrives ay Suzanne's beautiful home that
night he finds Suzanne and Emory outside waiting
for him with a nice spread of food and holes in
their heads. So much for the upscale residents of
the Bon Temp/Shreveport area.
Patrick and Terry:
Patrick and Terry are driving to South Dakota when
Patrick falls asleep and dreams of a night in Iraq.
It was the fourth of July and a squadron of Marines
are getting drunk in a prayer tower so they can
see the fireworks. They leave one sentry below on
watch. When a young boy arrives to protest the use
of the prayer tower as a den of debauchery, the
drugged-up sentry shoots the kid. His distraught
family arrives to protest the death of their son
and some random sniper starts to fire and in the
end, the boy's entire family is lying dead on the
street. No wonder Terry can't sleep.
Patrick and Terry arrive at their
destination in South Dakota and enter a shed to
find a trap door under a tarp. They go downstairs
and find a bunker decorated with images of the fire
(I assume the Marines started a fire to cover up
the crime) and occupied by a crazed man with a gun
Notes: The vampire
plot this season is supposed to be between the main-streaming
Authority and the Sanguinistas who only regard humans
as food. But just like in real life where Baptist
mothers and their daughters dance in the aisles
at Mamma Mia (plot: woman does not know
which of three men fathered her daughter) and Christian
right teenagers love The Hangover, the
vampire world does not neatly divide into two extremes.
Most vampires seem to be in the middle like Jessica
who is a very kind girl who regularly feeds on humans
without killing them and Pam who is not a very kind
woman, but who also regularly feeds on humans without
killing them. Even mean girl Pam is not a sadist
like little Drew. And Roman, our supposed main stream
icon is as sadistic as they get. But hey, True
Blood is gumbo not black and white cookies
and that is why we like it. Nothing is ever as it
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 3
Whatever I Am, You Made Me
Season V Episode 2 ended with
the image of Russell, crackled by rivulets of blood,
moaning and lying on a filthy hospital bed. But
hey, vamps can't get infections, right?
happens to our happy (and unhappy campers) this
Sookie, Lafayette, Tara
and Alcide: Tara is in the woods, watching
the silver burns heal on her hands. She looks up
and the night sky is utterly stunning viewed with
her now heightened vampire senses. But her reverie
is quickly broken when she hears pesky Sookie and
Lafayette clomping through the bushes, calling out
"We only want to help." Miss Tara has
had enough of their help, thank you very much, so
she vamp speeds off and runs across a young girl
changing a tire by the side of the road. The young
lady asks Tara for help, Tara flashes fang, the
young lady says she is a vampire rights supporter,
Tara attacks and we have opening credits.
When we next see Tara, she has our unfortunate motorist
pinned to the hood of the car and is about to take
a big bite. She sees a cross hanging on the car
mirror, and has a moment of reason and lets her
victim go with an apology. Next she is off to Merlottes's
where she hides in the bushes, waiting for Sam to
Desperate to find her missing friend, Sookie visits
Pam at Fangtasia to ask her to "call"
Tara. Sookie tells Pam that if she will just get
Tara to come to Fangtasia, she and Lafayette will
take her home and not bother Pam anymore. Pam is
busy speed-texting Eric and tells Tinker Belle to
get lost. She, Pam has more important things on
her mind since Eric is missing and so is Bill even
though Jessica thinks he is out of town on business.
Pam says that only time Eric and Bill do anything
together, it is to risk their lives to save Sookie.
Sookie is upset to hear that Eric is missing but
she tells Pam that she and Eric and Bill are not
together anymore. Pam gives a "If only!"
Sookie gets in Pam's face and yells at her to call
her progeny, Tara. Pam shoves the Sook across the
room and Sookie retaliates for Pam's bad manners
and irresponsible parenting by fairy blasting her
into the ceiling. Totally bad ass and one down for
Sookie returns home where she and Lafayette try
to clean up the kitchen while worrying out loud
about where Tara is, what she is doing, what she
might tell people happened to her (there is that
nasty business of the dead Debbie Pelt) and most
importantly, does Tara know she has to go to ground
when the sun comes up? These two will make great
At Merlottes's, Tara is guzzling down a six pack
of True Blood (thank the Goddesses that Tara does
not turn up her nose at True Blood like the newly
turned Jessica did) while Sam tries to get her to
tell him what happened. Sam wants to call Sookie
and Lafayette, but Tara makes him promise not to.
But before they can have much of a conversation,
Tara simply passes out (the sun is coming up) and
is caught by Sam before she falls off her bar stool.
It appears that bar owner Sam has performed this
particular move before.
Sam puts Tara in the walk-in freezer and tapes a
big sign to the door stating that the freezer is
out of order and no one is to open the door. That's
right, he put her in the freezer.
Terry and Arlene are in the kitchen
arguing (hardly anything happens with these love
birds in this episode so they don't get their own
recap section and will have to share Sookie and
Co's). Terry tells Arlene that he does not want
to lie to her, but he and Patrick are going somewhere
and he cannot tell her where, what or how long.
Arlene is not pleased and she tells Terry that she
won't be there waiting when he returns. Terry looks
sad and leaves anyway. I hope he doesn't believe
her. We certainly don't.
Sookie and Lafayette come to Merlottes's to report
to work (and it does not make the local news). Sookie
goes into Sam's office to ask if he has heard from
Tara. Sam, knowing that Sookie can read his mind,
starts frantically thinking about her boobs and
her smell and Sookie gets the funniest look on her
face. But it is to no avail, even the thought of
Sookie's boobs does not prevent the random thought
about Tara in the freezer from flitting across Sam's
brain. Sookie asks Sam why he did not call her and
Sam tells her that Tara made him promise not to
and he asks Sookie to please tell him what happened.
Sookie tells him that Tara was dead and they had
to do something and the less Sam knows about why
Tara was dead, the better for everyone. Sam tells
her he understands and he wishes he had done more
to save Tommy (Tommy as a vampire? I don't think
so especially since the Fabulous Three are no longer
around to mentor him.) Sookie and Sam hug it out,
boob thoughts or not.
Alcide is shopping at a lumber yard when Debbie
Pelt's parents approach him and ask him if he knows
where their daughter is. They tell him that the
Sheriff told them that Debbie's car was found on
Hummingbird Road (Sookie lives on Hummingbird Road).
Mrs. Pelt tells Alcide that she knows that he and
Debbie had a fight and that Debbie had called to
say she was coming home to Jackson but she never
made it. Alcide tells him it wasn't just a fight,
he abjured her because she was a V addict and was
sleeping with the packmaster. The Pelts are not
Back at Merlottes's, the sun has gone down and Lafayette
wakes up Tara with a True Blood. She is still furious.
Just then, Alcide comes to Merlottes's to warn Sookie
that Debbie's car was found close to her home. Sookie
blows him off and says everything is fine and she
has to get back to work. Alcide tells her that this
is crazy: he tells her that Russell Edgington is
loose and now Debbie and she just acts like nothing
is going on. Just then a blood-soaked and newly
vampirized Tara explodes into the room, shocking
everyone especially Arlene and tells Alcide that
Sookie does not want him to know about the terrible
thing she did because then he won't think she is
so special. Tara does not linger to explain whether
this terrible thing is having Pam turn Tara or Sookie
shooting Debbie, although I doubt Tara saw that
saw the latter or comprehended it if she did since
she was missing half her brain at the time. Tara
is off again.
Alcide grabs Sookie's arm and marches her outside
and makes Sookie tell him what happened. She does.
He is furious because she did not tell him before
and was going to let him to search for Debbie. He
tells her that he has always had Sookie's back since
he met her. Sookie is crying as she explains that
she could not tell him because he loved Debbie and
forgave her for everything she did. Alcide hits
a random truck in rage and walks off as Sookie call
after him that she has to know if he is going to
tell anyone. This is the last we see of Alcide this
episode so we are supposed to wonder if Alcide will
betray Sookie's confidence. To which I say, "As
Back in the kitchen of Merlottes's, a stressed out
Lafayette is being berated by Arlene for turning
Tara. Arlene is also upset because the gumbo is
not ready. A furious Lafayette pours a bottle of
bleach into the gumbo and then looks in the mirror
to see his demon mask has appeared. He totally freaks
and pours the gumbo down the disposal.
The last we see of newly vamped Tara is when she
breaks into a tanning salon, climbs into one of
the beds and turns it and begins screaming and sizzling.
Pam who is connected to this progeny even though
she does not want to be, looks up from speed calculating
the night's receipts and says, "Stupid bitch."
Will she rescue her? Well, duh, yes. Tara has been
signed on for the entire season.
Eric, Bill and The Authority:
Bill and Eric are on their knees, still playing
cat-and-mouse with the rabid lions of The Authority.
It gets worse. Roman, Salome, Kwebe, Alex, Rosalyn
and Dieter hold a COMMITTEE Meeting. Whatever happened
to hedonism? You would think being a vampire would
spare you such aggravation but I guess no; mainstream
vampires participate in religious ceremonies and
serve on committees. No wonder Russell went feral.
Anyway the committee is divided with Kwebe and Salome
supporting letting Bill and Eric try to put Russell
back in the ground. Alex, Rosalyn and Dieter are
pissed because these boys were not blindly obedient
and want them staked. Roman dismisses the committee
and then tells the boys that the only thing worse
rose than a 3000 year old pissed off vampire is
a 3000 year old pissed off vampire that has been
starved for a year. Roman then send the boys away.
Roman sends for the new Nan Flanigan
- Steve Newlin - who look extremely pleased to be
brought to the seat of vampire power. Roman explains
to Steve that he might need his services because
it appears that even though Nan Flanigan went on
national television to say that Russell Edgington
was dead, he is not. Steve, who has some crazy idea
that he is on equal footing with Roman, pooh-poohs
Russell's supposed return as conjecture, stating
that humans are incredibly gullible and still think
they see Elvis. Roman practically hisses at his
uppity new servant. He then teaches Steve a lesson
in groveling, explaining in sneering tones that
humans are our ancestors and should not be disrespected
and this council is the only thing preventing civil
war. He grabs Newlin by the face and picks him up
from the ground. I really wanted Roman to bitch
slap him even though Newlin is probably into that
sort of thing. Newlin assures Roman that if he needs
to "public relationize" a Russell sighting,
he won't let him down. Roman dismisses Newlin like
the fly he is. Salome then give us the exposition
that Newlin he was recruited because of his influence
with the religious right. See - vampires are not
Deep in the bowels of the Authority, Eric and Bill
are being fitted with Auto Stakes by Tina Majorino
(Heather on Big Love). Tina/Heather explains
to Bill and Eric that these stakes are basically
court ordered ankle bracelets with a twist - they
look like S & M harnesses and are controlled
by an Iphone. And if the boys make a wrong move
or attempt to remove them, they will be staked.
Tina/Heather then tells them that they are "Too
cute to be goo." Agreed.
Then it is on to Salome, the most complex character
in True Blood history. Salome channels
the snake in the Garden of Eden. She slithers about
and talks a lot, but all the while her hidden agendas
(that's right - agendas) ooze out from under her
veil (sorry, could not resist).
Salome meets Bill in the basement and tells him
a sad story about how she was a sexually abused
child. According to Bill's new friend, Salome, that
business about John The Baptist's head was just
politics and the story told about her in the Bible
was just a fable. She explains that the human Bible
is just a little better than US Weekly. She also
says that the humans of her youth were far more
savage than vampires, making this writer wonder
just how committed is she to mainstreaming. Exposition
over, it's on to the seduction. Salome tells Bill
that she has been following his political career
and when he demurs that he is just a small town
monarch, she tells him that humility is for humans.
Salome soldiers on, telling Bill he still has a
heart (right!) and Bill then does what he does best
- skips the preliminaries and slams her up against
a wall and has at it.
Next Salome invites Eric to her absolutely stunning
bedroom - no nasty basement for our Sheriff. She
asks why Eric has not tried to save Nora. He says
what choice does he have and she replies that there
are always choices (telling people who don't seem
to have choices that there are always choices is
a Salome theme). Salome tells him she sponsored
Nora for her chancellorship and she knew Godric
and she knew about when Eric was made and that Godric
loved him best. Then off with her clothes because
as she tells Eric, she wants to be his friend. And
Rosalyn is enjoying torturing Nora with the silver
drip. Rosalyn tells Nora that she thinks she betrayed
the authority for love, but which one was it - the
Sheriff or the King or perhaps both? When Rosalyn
threatens to activate the boy's autostakes, Nora
admits to being Sanguinista and says that Lilith
will rip Rosalyn's f*cking head off. After watching
Rosalyn torture Nora, I would love to watch the
mythical Lilith rip off Rosalyn's head. Because
bizarrely enough, my sympathy was totally with Nora
even though if she was actually telling the truth,
she would think nothing of killing humans. But somehow
I don't think that is all to the story since Nora
is Godric's progeny and Eric's sister vamp. Rosalyn
is now added to my list of expendable vampires along
with the coldly sadistic Dieter and that mouthy
Bill and Eric conveniently meet in the elevator,
a conveyance known by all to be surveillance camera
free, so they feel free to talk. Eric reports that
he had a visit from a certain Chancellor and Bill
says me too, but that a gentleman does not brag
about sloppy seconds. They both think this is grin
worthy, but this remark of Bill's will be fodder
for all the anti-Bill message boards because the
subtext is that the last time Eric enjoyed sloppy
seconds, it was Miss Sookie Stackhouse herself.
Roman visits Salome to find her still bare-assed
naked, but up for her third sexual encounter of
the night. He asks if she had fun and she replies
that they boys are not Sanguinista, which certainly
does not answer his question. Roman then tells her
that Nora confessed to being Sanguinista. Salome
tells him that he should think about modifying his
agenda that there are assassination attempts, uprising
in the Middle East and revolt in Estonia. She then
says she is worried about him and he replies that
he has nothing to fear with her as his secret weapon.
Right Roman. Yes Roman, you should feel very safe
walking through the funhouse mirrors of The Authority
with Salome as your Captain America.
Jason and Andy: Andy
is at the police station and he discovers Rosie
and Kevin admiring the Facebook photo of his bare
butt. He is yelling at them about spending the tax
payers dollars surfing porn just as Debbie Pelt's
parents arrive to ask about their daughter. Andy
has obviously called them to tell them about finding
Jason goes grocery shopping and runs into Miss Steeler,
his teacher from 15 years ago. This is a teacher
that Jason obviously liked a lot and she liked him.
Miss Steeler attempts to apologize to Jason for
liking him as much as she did, but he shushes her
and asks which pickles does she like - crunchy or
Jason goes home with Miss Steeler who serves him
a cup of tea. Miss Steeler's cat does not like Jason
and hisses at him (ut oh - foreshadowing). Miss
Steeler asks him if he is married and Jason says
that relationships have not worked out for him and
then he lists the ones where they girls were murdered
and the one who was married to a gay preacher and
then on to his present situation of being f*ck buddies
with the love of his best friend's life who just
happens to be a teenage vampire. And he tells Miss
Steeler that she taught him about the only thing
he has ever been good at - sex.
Jason and Miss Steeler have at it on the floor and
afterwards, Miss Steeler is happy and Jason is not.
Out of the clear blue, he now says he realizes she
was right about their school relationship being
wrong, so he gets up and leave. That was a real
Andy goes to Merlottes's to ask Sookie about Debbie
Pelt since Debbie Pelt's car was found on the road
to Sookie's house and Jason told Andy that Sookie
said Debbie was batshit crazy. Sookie says that
Debbie was the girlfriend of a friend of hers and
that Debbie was on V and behaved in an erratic manner.
Andy picks on the fact that Debbie probably was
not pleased that her boyfriend was friendly with
Sookie and then says that V addicts deserve justice
too. Sookie tells him that unless not liking someone
is a crime, she is going back to work. Sookie is
always good at bitch slapping Andy.
Andy then asks Holly to step outside where he first
shows her the photo of Debbie which she does not
recognize and then the photo of his butt which she
does. Holly is furious with her boys for posting
that photo on Facebook and says she will make them
take it down. Andy tells her that Facebook already
took it down, but it does not matter - he now has
the most recognizable butt in town. Andy asks Holly
to go steady. He actually said, "Take this
thing to the next level," but go steady is
what Holly assumes he meant. She replies that she
is a witch, has two juvenile delinquent sons and
a lives in a motel. He tells her that he lives with
his grandmother (and Terry, Arlene and the kids),
is an alcoholic, a recovered V addict and everyone
in town has seen his butt. She replies, "How
did I get so lucky?"
Lafayette is freaked out that Andy was asking about
Debbie, but Sookie says it is no big deal as all
of Andy's thoughts were about his butt being on
Facebook, not Debbie. I don't blame Andy. That visual
is a hard one to shake.
Pam: Pam is in her
coffin and dreams she is back in San Francisco.
Eric comes to her whore house where she offers him
a choice of her ladies-of-the-night. He says he
does not want the merchandise, he wants her. We
are seeing the first glimpses of Eric and Pam's
later platonic relationship, because Pam is not
that interested in jumping his bones. Pam agrees
anyway, but first she has him deal with two nasty
vamps who are draining her merchandise. And guess
what? The two vamps are those fun loving kids -
Lorena and Bill. Lorena has glamoured the whore
to ask to be drained as Bill chomps down on said
whore's femoral artery. Eric throw Lorena against
the wall and Bill tries to intervene and protect
Lorena. Eric finds this highly amusing, but Lorena
is panicked that Eric will kill her progeny. Eric
decides not to kill Bill because it is not Bill's
fault that Lorena never trained him to respect his
elders. He tells Lorena to get Bill in check. Lorena
thanks Eric and apologizes. Eric tells her to apologize
to Pam and then Pam being Pam asks for $500 per
drained hooker. Eric approves.
Afterwards they are in bed together and Pam asks
Eric to turn her. He says she does not know what
he she is asking. She tells him she will end up
a pariah with syphilis and TB. He says that being
a maker is a huge responsibility and one he is unwilling
to undertake. Pam asks him to just turn her and
leave her and Eric says that doing so would be like
throwing a baby into a dumpster (Pam are you listening
to your dreams?). Pam slits her wrists. Eric looks
at her for a moment, fangs out and rushes to the
is trying on clothes at Tracy's Togs and trash talking
back at the proprietor who is making disparaging
remarks about Jason. Faerie Claude comes in to pick
up an order for his sixteen sisters - yes that is
what he said. Jessica smells him and is entranced.
Claude flees in his blue Volkswagen beetle. Jessica
chases the car and finds it empty in the middle
of a field. Claude has disappeared and Jessica runs
around the field, smelling his scent and looking
Old f'upped Hoyt arrives at Fangtasia. He is gothed
up in black mesh and eyeliner. Pam recognizes him
and in a moment of random kindness tells him that
they eyeliner is too much and they will eat him
alive. He says that is what he wants. It does not
look like Hoyt is going to make it through the season,
especially if his purpose at Fangtasia is to act
as bait for a staking party.
A very horny Jessica, hyped up by the smell of Claude,
arrives at Jason's, prepared to jump his bones.
Jason goes along with it at first, but then pulls
back and says that he is not a mechanical bull to
be mounted anytime she feels like it. Jessica, sensing
something is quite different, asks what happened
today and Jason tells her a bit about running into
the teacher and how she seduced him when he was
young and it felt so good that it was all he wanted
from then on and that he uses sex to fill a hole
inside him. Jessica says she will stay and they
can just talk. Jason replies that he cannot be friends
with a girl and Jessica tells him he already is
and she will go put on some of his sweats and then
she will listen and she might give advice and she
might not, but she will listen. I just loved Jessica
in this scene.
Notes: So what did
we find out? Tara is a very angry vamp, but the
oldl Tara is still inside (she has not bitten anyone
except Sookie when she first exploded out of the
ground), so there is hope. Sookie and Lafayette
are a pretty terrific caretaking team. They get
knocked down, but they pick themselves up and keep
trying to do the right thing by their friend. Alcide
is moving in on Sookie is fast as he can. The Authority
is one f'cked up mess where no one is who they say
they are. Everyone wears multiple masks except for
Salome who is simply a chameleon. It looks like
Eric and Bill will live to fight another day and
I am just dying to find out what Eric is planning
to do to help Nora. Nothing shows on his surface,
but the man is a chess player and a good chess player
never signal his moves.
P. S. There were some subtle hints that Salome knew
about Sookie. She told Bill he still had a heart
and she told Eric that he had been recently hurt.
Telling Bill that he has a heart could have just
been flattery and telling Eric that he had been
hurt could have just been a good guess, but I do
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 2
Authority Always Wins
Episode 2 of Season V opens
with an explosion. Tara vamp speeds out of her grave
and attacks Sookie and Lafayette. Lafayette cries
to Pam to do something and Pam replies, "I
am, I'm laughing." But then when Tara bites
Sookie, Pam pulls her off and commands Tara "as
her maker" to not bite these two humans. Pam
then throws Tara into the house and tells her she
has to stay there and then "sweet" Pam
leaves saying she has a business to run. She does
wish them luck. And to think we were mad at Bill
in Season I for being such a dick maker. But before
she leaves, Sookie asks Pam to heal her fang marks
on her neck and Pam does even though that extra,
prick healing, was not part of their deal. This
was one of the oddest things that happened the entire
episode. Perhaps Pam and Sookie will become friends
in Season VI or VII of VIII. Or maybe not. Maybe
this is just a skillfully buried plot point establishing
that Tara's first taste of blood was Sookie's Top
Roll the credits.
Here is what happened to each of our happy
campers in Episode 2:
Sookie, Lafayette and Tara:
After Pam leaves, things do not improve (they never
do when she leaves). Tara royally trashes the house
that Eric beautifully restored for Sookie in Season
IV. She is like a wild animal, a bull in a china
shop. When Tara stops her rampage for a moment,
perching on top of the sink like a cat, Sookie tells
Lafayette to grab her. "How?" Lafayette
hysterically replies. Sookie tells him to offer
her a True Blood and Lafayette covers his neck with
his sweater collar and gets a True Blood out of
the cabinet. But this is to no avail. Tara attacks
Lafayette, but she is "maker commanded"
to not bite him so she throws her head back and
wails and then continues on her rampage. On to Plan
B. Lafayette follows her upstairs and cuts his arm
to offer her blood. When Tara rushes to drink from
him, Sookie throws silver chains around her neck
and they drag her to Eric's cubby just before the
sun comes up.
The most wonderful part of these scenes was seeing
how much the characters of Sookie and Lafayette
love Tara. Their only concern was taking care of
their friend. Sookie's house was exploding yet again
and all she and Lafayette did was worry about Tara.
I really liked them in these scenes.
It is now daylight and Tara is safely asleep in
the cubby. So having a few moments to deal with
the impending return of Russell, Sookie goes shopping
at the anti-vamp store and purchases a colloidal
silver dispenser to put over her door. She hears
the clerk's thoughts about he is part of an anti
vamp movement so she warns him that staking humans
or vamps is a Federal offense. I just love Sookie
in her Sunday School teacher mode. But before they
have that exchange, the clerk asks her if she wants
something else and I certainly hope she said yes
and bought a gun (she already has a shotgun and
a pistol, but the more the merrier where Russell
is concerned) with wooden bullets.
While Sookie is shopping, the TV is on at the store
and we see Steve Newlin who is continuing the Nan
and Steve show that played twenty-four seven in
the previous Seasons. Only this time Nan has gone
and Steve has switched sides and is now proudly
telling the world that Jesus loves vamps.
After Sookie's excursion, she is arrives home and
is installing her colloidal silver dispenser above
her front door when she overhears Lafayette thinking
about staking Tara as she sleeps. Lafayette is overcome
with grief believing he had no right to do this
to Tara just because he was lonely. Sookie rushes
into the cubby and tells Lafayette that the Tara
they know and love is inside this rabid animal and
they just need to give her time. Nelsan Ellis and
Anna Paquin really knocked it out of the park in
this scene. Their faces were filled with love and
grief over the loss of their best friend/cousin.
But their hopes for Tara are to no avail because
when sun goes down, a Tara emerges that looks more
like the real Tara and states that she will never
forgive either of them for doing this to her. Then
Tara vamp speeds out of the house only to be sprayed
with colloidal silver as she exits. This should
not have been funny but it was.
Bill and Eric:
A massive Humvee drives up to a nondescript warehouse
in what we assume is New Orleans. The guards take
the three prisoners (Bill, Eric and Nora) out of
the vehicle and they enter the warehouse where they
are greeted by Salome, a beautiful dark haired vampire.
Nora immediately tells Salome that she did not betray
them and that Bill and Erica are more valuable alive.
Salome tells Nora that fairy tales are for children
and she slaps her. Eric subtly reacts to this slap
and we should probably assume that Salome noticed
Then off they go into the building. Salome opens
an antique electrical switch box to find a high-tech
mechanism which pricks her finger, recognizes her
blood and opens the door to the elevator to take
them down to reception. The reception room looks
like the lobby of any large prosperous business.
But there is no time to linger. They are frog marched
through the lobby, passing an ancient painting of
Roman on their way to their cells.
When they are in their cells, a voice (we later
recognize it as Dieter Braun) interrogates them
asking why Chancellor Gainsborough chose to rescue
them. Bill vamps up and says Nora was his prisoner
and they should release Eric and Nora because they
were following his orders. He is not believed and
the ceilings of their cells douse them in UV rays.
The it is off to interrogation where Bill and Eric
are hooked up to silver IV's as a method of torture.
They are being questioned separately so their interrogators
can break them with that old Law & Order
trick of "Your partner in crime has already
betrayed you, so why are you being loyal to him?"
But this chicken is never going to fly with our
boys because everyone (including vampires or especially
vampires since they are up all night) watches Law
& Order these days. We have no choice.
L & O is like the Nan & Steve
Show; it plays twenty four seven.
Bill is being interrogated by Dieter Braun, a truly
creepy vamp. Dieter shows Bill a Bible and asks
him if he recognizes it and Bill says he does. It
is the Vampire (fancy spelling this season is Vampyr)
Bible and according to both Bill and Dieter's exposition,
it is the story of Lilith the first vampire. According
to this Bible, God was supposedly a vampire and
he created Lilith in his image and Adam and Eve
were only created as a source of food for God's
true children. Dieter asks Bill if he believes in
the literal interpretation of the Bible and Bill
says he does not. Dieter infuses him with silver
just in case.
At the party next door, Salome tells Eric that Bill
has told them everything and as a reward he has
returned to his position as King of Louisiana. When
asked if he has anything to say about that, Eric
replies "Long live the King," which earns
him a dose of silver. Salome tells Eric that Nora
has met the true death and then asks him which one
of them killed Nan Flanigan to which Eric replies,
"Nan Flanigan is dead?" Another dose of
silver for Eric.
Having withstood their torture without giving anything
up, our boys are dragged back to their cells and
later they are brought before Elliot Stabler aka
Roman, the head of the authority and his council
of cohorts. Roman proceeds to serve communion to
the members of the Authority by cutting his wrist
and giving each member a drop of his blood while
he recites a litany in Aramaic. No wonder Eric wants
no part of the Authority. What fun is it to be a
vampire if you have to attend church? Nora is there
and she is not dead (Salome is such a trickster).
Nora tries to kneel to take this communion but is
pulled up by a guard. Roman gently strokes Nora's
cheek and says that she has not told him why she
betrayed them even though she has been given many
chances. She is then dragged off screaming.
Then on to the fun. Roman tells Bill and Eric that
the Nan had always called them F*ck Up One and F*ck
Up Two (she did not use the *'s, but she did not
need to deal with internet censors). That Nan was
such a kidder. He then explains to them that he
is the Authority and basically when he gives an
order it is to be obeyed and that True Death of
Eric means True Death for Eric. Then Roman wants
to know if they are members of the Sanguinista movement
to which Bill replies "To what?" Eric
says that he tries to stay out of politics and religion.
It seems Sanguinistas are opposed to the Authority's
regime of co-existence with humans.
Roman then asks them if they have anything to say
before he pronounces sentence and Bill bargains
their lives for the life of Russell who has escaped
entombment. When Bill says that Russell is not dead
there is a lot of WTF'ing going on at the council
table as they had been assured by Nan Flanigan that
Russell met the true death. When asked why they
let Russell live, Bill replies that the true death
was too good for him. Roman is incredulous and asks
again why they would leave him alive and just entomb
him and Eric replies, that "He pissed me off
and I pissed him off. You know how these things
Roman is enraged and almost stakes Bill but pulls
back because as he sanctimoniously explains, unlike
FUI and FUII, he can put aside his desires for the
Meloni's Roman is a superb addition to the True
Blood universe. He is both sexy and terrifying,
always a good choice --- on the television screen.
Alcide, Sam and Luna:
We are now back at the ritualistic funeral in the
woods where Marcus's former pack are all shifting
and eating Marcus's recently entombed body (wouldn't
it be fun if it was Russell instead? Or maybe not.
Russell is an hysterical villain.). Hot naked werewolf
chick from Episode One is now dressed and asks Alcide
if he would like a bite (of Marcus, not her - perhaps
in a later episode). Alcide and the viewers want
nothing to do with this ritual. Marcus's mother
Martha approaches Alcide and says that her son deserves
respect and Alcide replies that he disagrees. Martha
also tells him that since he killed the pack master
he is now pack master according to their law. Alcide
disagrees with this too and leaves with Sam and
Luna takes Sam home and is tending to his wounds
when Martha comes calling to inquire about her grandchild.
This is the same grandchild that her pack just threatened
with torture last episode if Sam did not quit shifting
into a bird and flying away. Luna and the viewers
are less than pleased to see Martha even thought
the actress totally brought it home. Martha says
that she knows that Emma is a wolf and that she
will need a pack. Martha leaves telling Sam that
she is sorry about his injuries. Now she tells him.
After Martha leaves, Sam tries to tell Luna that
Martha had a point; if Emma is a wolf, she will
need a pack. And after all perhaps a little sympathy
is in order because Martha just lost her son to
which Luna and the viewers reply that Martha just
ate her son. Luna then loses it and throw Sam out.
Perhaps this was a bit of an overreaction on Luna's
part, but I'm really with her on the rage. No right
thinking mother would want her darling little girl
to join a nasty gang and Emma's father's pack is
But Sam's words about Emma needing a pack have a
different meaning later in the evening when Luna
hears Emma playing around in her room instead of
going to bed like she is supposed to. Luna opens
the door to her daughters room to see an absolutely
adorable wolf puppy dressed in Emma's green pajamas.
Utterly amazing and hysterical. Every time I remember
that visual, I smile.
Terry and Arlene and Patrick:
Terry is sleep walking
and terrorizing Arlene. But even when awake, Terry
is having panic attacks and acting like a jerk.
This is not good.
Arlene visits Patrick at the God forsaken motel
(Bon Temps desperately needs a Super 8) to find
out just what is going on with her husband. Patrick
gives up nothing about Terry. (P. S. Scot Foley
sure is easy on the eyes.) Terry interrupts the
meeting and asks Arlene to leave. He then tells
Patrick that he does know where they can find a
former member of their platoon that they suspect
may be nuts and might know something about the fires.
So off to see the Wizard they go!
Pam and Ginger:
Pam, still dressed in her adorably tacky yellow
sweats which are now covered in dirt, arrives at
Fangtasia to find a concerned Ginger who tells her
that she had to open the bar alone. Ginger asks
why Pam is so dirty and Pam replies that she had
to sleep in the ground and just what is Ginger's
excuse. Oh that Pam.
Pam then proceeds to put on her lipstick before
she showers and changes. The lipstick triggers a
flash back to the first time Pam met Eric - in 1905
San Francisco. Pam is working as a madam in a brothel
doing things like dispensing coke to an employee
out of a ring on her finger. Pam goes to one of
the rooms to see what is taking so long with one
of her girls and finds said employee's bloody dead
naked body. Pam then says "Goddamn them."
Them, hmm. Could it be we are about to see fun loving
Bill and Lorena again?
Later in the flashback, Pam is walking home on a
darkened street when she is accosted by a man who
tries to kill her. A very hot looking Eric dressed
in a top hat, rescues her. Eric notices that she
is not afraid and saying that a lady should be careful
being out on a night like this and Pam replies that
if she sees a lady, she will tell her. Eric is obviously
intrigued, smiles at Pam (the viewers melt), checks
out her cleavage and vamp speeds away. I hope we
have more of this next week.
Andy and Jason:
Andy and Jason are on patrol with Andy driving.
Andy tells Jason that he had sex. Jason says join
the club and Any replies that he was not saying
that he had sex for the first time. Andy complains
that now his girl is avoiding him but Jason thinks
this is good as now Andy can, "Eat the pie
without buying the cow." Yup that is what he
Andy and Jason then find Debbie Pelt's car. Jason
sees her ID in the glove box and tells Andy that
Debbie is Alcide's crazy girlfriend and wonders
why since the missing Debbie lives in Shreveport
her car is in Bon Temp. Well, we know why.
Back at the station, Jason is watching Steve Newlin
impersonate Nan Flanigan yet again when a young
man comes in an punches him out for sleeping with
his Mom and causing his parents to get a divorce.
Jason does not recognize the young man's mother
by name and has to be shown a cell phone photo to
remember her as Crazy Sharon. This totally enrages
Sharon's son. Andy pulls him off and asks Jason
if he has slept with everyone in the county and
Jason replies, "Pretty much."
Later Jason drops by Maxine's house and tries to
patch things up with Hoyt, but Hoyt is not buying
and overuses the F word much to dear Maxine's chagrin.
Jason says he is sick of messing up people's lives
and wants to make it right. Maxine tells Jason to
leave, but as he is leaving she thanks him for breaking
up her dear boy and that vamp and tells him she
is going to bake him a pie. I love Maxine. She is
pure evil but fun.
Jessica is still having her interminable "Daddy's
away, kids will play" party with all the lights
on again (this girl has obviously never attended
a kegger). Steve Newlin arrives to join in the festivities,
dancing into the house under Jessica's arm. One
of Jessica's guests says that before Newlin was
a vampire, he was a massive dick. To which Newlin
adorably replies, "I know."
Newlin then asks Jessica to meet with him privately.
Jessica takes him into Bill's office. Steve then
proceeds to offer her $10,000 in cash for Jason
Stackhouse. Jessica negotiates for a higher price,
asking if Steve has seen Jason's butt which she
says is so hard you could chip a fang on it. Steve
replies that of course he has, that is why he is
offering $10,000. Jessica gets him up to $20,000
and then tells him it is no deal that Jason is her
friend, she does not sell her friends and besides
her Dad is the King of Louisiana to which Steve
replies, "Not anymore." This royally upsets
Jessica who has a wonderful hair pulling fight with
Steve (please do that every episode). She wins and
kicks Steve and everyone else out of her house.
This scene was beautifully played and was probably
the best timed scene in the entire episode.
Bill appeared to redeem himself in this episode.
(I say appeared to redeem because it is True
Blood and nothing is ever what it seems). I
liked him for the first time since Season II. Granted
he had ulterior motives when he tried to take all
the blame upon himself (if Eric was spared he could
help Sookie and Jessica), but nevertheless, he truly
vamped up and his motives seemed pure.
I am dying to know what is really going on with
Nora. We never saw her being tortured except for
the UV rays and we really don't know if her cell
had real UV rays. This could all be a set up. She
was in remarkably good shape during the scene in
the Authority chambers. We were spoiled that she
is a double agent, but "me thinks" there
is more to the story than Nora wanting to eat humans
indiscriminately and therefore wanting to bring
Roman down. There was one wonderful clue that these
Authority members are not drinking true blood themselves
- the PA announcement about a desanguination chamber.
I doubt very seriously that chamber was being used
on vamps. So what is so awful about an existence
where you get to be a hypocrite in public and drink
as much real blood as you want in private? Isn't
that what Nan and Bill did and Republicans-in-favor-of-family-values-but-on-their-third
wife do? I know they have to participate in that
silly religious ritual and listen to Roman drone
on and on, but surely that is only part of their
day. These little irritations don't appear to be
enough to make someone "join the revolution."
Also, back at the dock, the swat team could have
taken them all out, but they only killed Nora's
supposedly dear friends, their rescuers, who we
were lead to believe are a group of fundamentalists
who consider humans to be only food. Could that
have been the entire purpose of a charade? Setting
it up so the Authority could kill a group of underground
Sanguinistas (Nora did use her cell phone which
could have been traced). Could it be that Bill and
Eric are being tortured to confirm Nora's assessment
that they are not part of the Anti-Authority group?
Hmm. I guess we will see.
P. S. If Roman is really torturing Nora in the preview
for next week. Roman is in for some nasty surprises
this season. In the world of True Blood,
everyone gets theirs.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Season V, Episode 1
Turn, Turn, Turn
Alan Ball and team knocked it
out of the park with the opening of Season V. There
were none of the usual "great I've got time
to go to the bathroom" moments during the "peripheral"
(think Mickens) stories.
So what did we learn?
1. Sookie has devised
an efficient body disposal system and should consider
opening her own Sunshine Cleaning Service.
2. Eric also has
a talent for tidying up.
3. Lingerie stores need to stock little black gloves
4. Wal-mart has already
contacted their Indonesian suppliers to order thousand
of yellow sweat suits decorated with kittens for
4. We get a good
clue why vampires (and Alcide) don't like werewolves.
They must have attended a were funeral.
5. The odd umbrella
can be used for a variety of things.
So what happened
to our happy campers:
Tara, Lafayette, Pam and (some of) Alcide:
Their story starts where it left off in Season IV.
Sookie drives her little yellow car home after rescuing
then dumping Bill and Eric to find Debbie in her
kitchen with a shotgun. Tara attempts to rescue
Sookie and loses a good portion of her head as a
thank you. Sookie then takes off Debbie's head with
the same shotgun.
We cut to the boys
on their hands and knees sucking vamp goo with a
wet vac who simultaneously say "Sookie"
as they feel her fear. Eric then says "F*ck
Sookie" and reminds Bill that they have been
dumped and they have bigger problems with the Authority
breathing down their necks and Bill's palace being
polluted with pureed vampire.
unbeknownst to Eric, Pam miraculously and instantly
arrives at Sookie's to "look for her maker."
She did not go to Bill's where Eric actually is.
HMM. Perhaps her maker-locator sonar was off that
Sookie and Lafayette
bargain with Pam to turn Tara. Pam is reluctant
because as she points out, Tara is missing a lot
of her head and could end up "f*ck-tarded."
But nevertheless, Pam is persuaded and into the
ground go both Tara and Pam. Pam is attired in one
of Sookie's yellow sweat suits which is embellished
with embroidered kittens. Yes, that's right - yellow
Sookie and Lafayette
then proceed to put on some yellow (it's the in
color this episode) rubber gloves and begins to
pick up what is left of Debbie Pelt, wrap her in
a shower curtain and supposedly (hopefully) take
her somewhere far away to bury. Before diving into
the Debbie goo, Lafayette asks Sookie why she just
doesn't go to the police and let them clean up this
mess seeing as how Debbie was in Sookie's house
uninvited and ended up getting shot with her own
shot gun and Sook is a white girl and all. Sookie
then says it wasn't self defense, that she had a
choice, she had a moment to think, she could have
turned her into the cops but she decided to shoot
her anyway. One big high five for Sookie!
Then it is off to
bury Jesus (boy did Alan Ball leave a mess in Episode
12/Season IV). Sookie drives Lafayette to his home
and volunteers to take care of this one by herself
since it will be too much for Lafayette. But Lafayette
insists that he needs to bury Jesus so he can say
goodbye. They enter Lafayette's house to find no
dead Jesus which means they can throw that shower
curtain in the back of Sook's car to have handy
for the next body.
At this point our
campers are utterly exhausted and return to Sook's
house to bathe and get ready for Tara's resurrection.
They bathe (not together) and Sookie has just gotten
dressed when Alcide arrives to tell Sookie that
Russell Edgington has escaped his concrete prison
and that he (Alcide not Russell) wants Sookie to
come live with him for her protection. Sookie protest
that she has to stay where she is (she really does
- remember what's in the backyard) and besides Alcide
would not want her to come stay with him if he knew
the reason she could not come stay with him. She
is just about to tell him what happened last night
when Lafayette explodes down the stairs (having
recovered from his Lady Macbeth moment and deciding
not to off himself with Sookie's plastic pink razor)
and tells Alcide to get the hell out and they are
through with supernatural shit except of course
for the unmentioned vamp grave in the backyard and
the missing dead brujo. Yeah, except for that stuff.
Night falls and our
catatonic hungry protagonists go outside to sit
by the grave and wait for the "rising"
with a handy six pack of True Blood. First out is
Pam complaining that she has dirt in her bra. But
no Tara. Sookie cleans the dirt off of a dead-looking
Tara's head. Sookie is crying her eyes out when
something explodes from the ground and attacks.
Welcome back Tara!
Jason, Steve Newlin
Vamp Steve Newlin
calls on Jason to hopefully win his love and sympathy.
They begin their conversation as Jason stands nude
at the door with the door edge covering his full
frontal - one hot look.
Newly vamped Newlin
finally catches Jason's eye, glamors him and gets
in the house and tells him that he is a "Proud
Gay American Vampire" and he is in love with
Jason. Jason explains to Reverend Newlin (that is
what he is still calling him) that his dog does
not bark that way. Newlin gets mad and tries to
bite Jason, but but no go because Jessica vamp speeds
into the house and kicks his ass. Jason rescinds
his invitation and Newlin leave professing his love
for Jason. Jessica then proceeds to do to Jason
just what darling Steve was dreaming of doing. Jason's
dog does bark her way.
Later Jason goes to Bill's house where Jessica is
entertaining a bunch of college kids she picked
up at Merlottes by hosting what looks like a chaperoned
sweet sixteen party. This is exactly the kind of
party that pre-vamped Jessica must have dreamed
of having. But the funny part is that these college
kids think playing guitar on the Wii with all the
lights on is fun.
Jessica is less than thrilled
to see Jason, explaining that even though she told
Newlin that Jason was hers, she still wants to remain
uncommitted. Jason says that is fine with him (it
isn't), takes off his cop uniform shirt so as not
to scare her friends and is promptly jumped by a
hot college girl.
Hey, it isn't easy being "friends with benefits"
when your friend is just as hot as you are and the
moment you turn your head will be under the table
with a new "friend with benefits."
Oh well, they will just have to
figure this out for themselves.
Sam, Luna and Alcide (again):
When we left Sam last Season,
a wolf was growling at him As the new Season opens,
it is a pack. He tells them that they will not be
able to figure this out unless one of them changes
so they can talk and one of them does and guess
what - she is a really hot naked girl. Really hot
naked girl tells Sam that she thinks he killed her
pack leader, Marcus. Sam tells them he didn't and
then strips and birds it out of there.
Sam then flies to Luna's, shifts
back and is warning her that the weres will be after
her too when the hot naked werewolf comes for him
again and threatens Emma. So good guy Sam confesses
to the murder he did not commit and walks off with
the naked were woman. There is a nice shot of their
Sam is being tortured when an
old tough looking werewolf named Martha intervenes.
She promises to not hurt Luna or her daughter if
Sam will tell her where Marcus's body is so the
pact can complete a ritual (there was no dum de
dum dum music, but there should have been). Sam
agrees and takes them to the grave where they unearth
Marcus's body. They are just about to put Sam into
the now empty grave when Alcide appears and tells
them that he killed Marcus. Then it gets strange.
Several of the pack members bow to Alcide, one old
man gets in Alcide's face and then the pack (except
for Alcide) turn into wolves and eat Marcus's newly
unearthed body starting with the intestines. I know
they are dogs but my oh my - that was the most disgusting
scene in True Blood history.
Bill, Eric and Nora:
Bill is running to Sookie's aid
with Eric behind him when they are captured with
silver nets and thrown into the back of a car. Next
we see the front seat of the car speeding down the
highway. There is a beautiful women in the front
seat, a man is driving and the radio is playing
Paul McCartney's "Silly Love Songs." This
was truly priceless.
Bill and Eric are in the trunk
of the car. They find an umbrella and puncture the
gas tank, use the wooden handle to create a spark
and blow up the car, freeing themselves in the process.
They are at a dock filled with shipping containers
and well - ships. Bill is hurt and Eric helps him,
saying he won't leave him (this is getting odder
and odder). Then the driver appears with a gun (with
wooden bullets I presume) asking who wants to die
first. That question is quickly answered when the
beautiful woman recycles the umbrella and uses it
to rip out the driver's spine.
Eric passionately kisses the woman who rescued them.
Bill asks if they know each other. It is Nora, Eric's
vampire sister, another Godric progeny. Then things
get even stranger. Nora and Eric tell Bill of all
people that Nora and Eric's relationship is a secret
and then Nora says that she would have helped Bill
even if she was not rescuing her brother because
she appreciated what Bill did with the necromancers
and that his being sentenced to the true death for
stopping the witch proves just how out of touch
the authority is. This confiding in Bill is as odd
as Eric's "F*ck Sookie" while Pam simultaneously
appeared at Sook's. Did Nora forget that Bill just
asked the Authority for a warrant to stake her "beloved"
brother? I know it was last season, but come on.
Next on the agenda is to find
an empty shipping container in which to spend the
day. But just before they go to ground, Eric and
Nora christen the shipping container with hot sex
(they are certainly not like Edward and Alice of
Twilight) while Bill stand waiting outside
like a college freshman whose roommate is always
banging the hot chicks. The look on his face was
one of the best things about this episode, right
up there with Andy's bottom.
Eric and Nora's family reunion
is interrupted when Alcide calls to give Eric the
unwelcome news that Russell has escaped.
The extraction team arrives to
pick up our boys giving them new papers - Marcellus
Clark for Bill and Ike Applebaum for Eric (imagine
Eric spending an eternity with that name). But ut
oh! More Authority goons appear, the extraction
team is turned into piles of vampire goo and our
merry threesome is taken captive by The Authority
and they are on their way to see Chris Meloni.
Holly and the Sheriff:
One of the best scenes in Episode
I is when Holly's good-for-nothing boys arrive home
early and find Andy stark naked and sound asleep
in their mother's bed. Chris Bauer said he had been
hitting the gym and he has. And those boys now have
cell phone photographic proof of the tightness of
Re Andy: There is one little tidbit in Andy's story
that we need to remember for future episodes. Andy
is eating at Merlottes when a Judge comes in and
asks Andy to fix a ticket for his son. Andy agrees
to do it, but that is not the point. After all,
this is a small town and corruption and entitlement
abound. But in the world of True Blood,
little crimes do not go unpunished. That Judge is
bound for a disastrous end and all I can say is
I hope it is not at the hand of the werewolves.
Don't know if I can stomach any more dog meat.
Arlene, Terry and Patrick:
Arlene and Terry have invited
his old friend(?)/Marine corp buddy Patrick for
dinner at Terry's grandmother's home. They are camping
out with Terry's relatives because their home was
destroyed in a fire last season. Coby and Lisa are
at the table which always makes my day. But the
tension between dear Terry and Patrick is palpable,
especially when they discuss the fire. We later
find out that several members of their old platoon
have had fires. Terry vehemently states that he
wants nothing to do with this problem, which means
that Terry will spend the entire season trying to
find out what is going on with those fires.
It is the beginning of the season
and everyone is at odds which is where they need
to be for a fun story. They are loading on the conflict
between Sookie and Eric and Jason and Jessica. Hell,
even Chris Bauer gets laid and his behind immediately
Remember, what we will never get
out of True Blood is a narrator who states
"This my little chickadees is what is happening
right now." And that is the fun, looking at
what we see the characters do and then trying to
figure out what is really going on.
It's roller coaster time and we
just got in line.
with True Blood in the subject line.
Ruminations on Seasons I -IV
The Fifth Season
of True Blood starts Sunday, June 10th
at 9PM and after much hemming and hawing, New York
Cool (I like to speak of myself in the plural) will
The cast and crew
of True Blood has spent the last eight
months cooking up their traditional blood-based
gumbo of sex and violence by tossing southern white
trash, vampires, werewolves, werepanthers and fairies
into a cast iron pot and seasoning with a twist
The result: The
best carnival ride in town. The creatives behind
Blood (Alan Ball and crew) know how to
build a roller coaster. There are quiet tender moments
and then the show hits a vertical drop and Sookie
and all the viewers in the cars behind her SCREAM!
So start checking
back on Tuesday nights as New York Cool Drinks
But before we start, here are a few comments about
Regardless of what
you read on the message boards (if you a True
Blood fanatic, you read the boards), True
Blood is not a story about good and evil told
in tones of white and black. It can't be because
no one is truly good, including our heroine, Miss
Sookie Stackhouse. The stories and the characters
in Blood are created from a palette of
Neither Eric (played by Alexander Skarsgaard) or
Bill (played by Stephen Moyer) are good vampires.
They are evil ruthless SOB's with a problem: they
are both desperately in love with a sweet southern
belle/fairy and want her to believe they are good
men/vampires, so they pretend to be gentlemen. (Well,
Eric, not so much.)
And as for this being
in love business - they did it to themselves. They
both saw her and were attracted to her (for different
reasons initially) and plotted to get her to drink
their blood so they could track both how she felt
and where she was at all times. But this ploy backfired
on them - once their blood was inside her and they
were signed up for Fairy Central twenty-four seven,
they were as hooked on her as she was to them.
(Warning to new
Season V character Roman [played by Christopher
Meloni]: Do not feed Miss Stackhouse your blood.
You have the responsibility of running The Authority
and cannot spare the time to lurk around Bon Temps
like one of Nan's love sick puppy dogs. Besides,
Miss Stackhouse's porch is already groaning under
the weight of her present suitors.)
This tracking her so they could know how she felt
and could manipulate her was initially a good idea
on the part of Bill and Eric because these two Princes
of Darkness had absolutely no social skills. Vampires
had only been out of the closet for two years when
the series started. Before that, they had been hidden
and any time they wanted to interact with a human,
they could glamour them thus getting no feedback
to help them "improve their act."
Eric Northman was particularly disadvantaged. Eric's
only interactions with women after he opened Fangtasia
consisted of pointing at the hottest fangbanger
in the club that night and saying, "Hey you,
come here." Plus he was turned thousand years
ago and Vikings were known for pillaging not manners.
So when he falls for Sookie, he has absolutely no
clue how to proceed and ends up acting like an eight
grade boy pretending he doesn't have a crush on
the prettiest cheerleader.
Bill Compton, with only a hundred and fifty years
of vampire fun under his belt, has a bit of a memory
of how a human male with good manners is supposed
to act, but even he initially had a hard time pretending
to be a Southern gentleman. And as soon as Sookie
kicked him to the curb at the end of Season III,
he reverted to being the devious, hypocritical,
blood-thirsty vampire we saw in the flashbacks of
Here is a litany
of their crimes against Sookie:
Letting the Ratray's beat Sookie within an inch
of her life so he could feed her his blood. He may
have even set the whole thing up.
Allowing the fabulous
three to terrorize Sookie so he could then proclaim
Sookie as his and she would be "grateful"
for the rescue.
Leaving fang marks on Sookie's neck when he knew
there was a serial killer loose and targeting women
who associated with vampires, even though he knew
that many of the victims were killed in the daylight
when he could not protect her.
Draining her in the back of Alcide's van even though
he was conscious enough of his actions to put his
hand over her mouth so she could not scream and
Lying to her incessantly
- not even telling her that he was able to walk
in the sun after drinking her blood.
Letting her walk
in on him and Katerina when they were not quite
dressed after having sex. Does anyone believe the
man does not have a lock on his door or a closet
where he could have glamored and stashed his paramour?
Not apologizing to
her for his numerous crimes at the end of Season
IV even after she apologized to him for lying to
him and falling in love with his arch nemesis -
Having Bill bring
Sookie to Fangtasia to ostensibly help him find
out who stole the money. Does anyone believe he
did not already know it was Long Shadow (he could
glamour the humans and inquire)? The whole situation
was such a set up (one of Eric's long term games)
- the goal being to either have Bill kill Long Shadow
(a serious Vampire crime) or Long Shadow kill Bill
(same crime so no more Long Shadow too). The first
thing out of Eric mouth after Bill asked what Eric
planned to do about his crime was "I'll take
the girl." (Pam was already attempting to dress
their new pet in an outfit that miraculously turns
out to be in Sookie's size.) Revisit this scene
and look how quietly pleased Eric looks when he
first starts his conversation with Bill after Long
Shadow's death. And then look at the shocked look
on this face when Bill says "No."
Taking Bill to be
tried by Magister for Long Shadow's death while
there was a serial killer loose in Bon Temps with
the idea that the Magister would get rid of Bill
for him, but not thinking that perhaps the serial
killer would get rid of Sookie at the same time.
Eric backtracked a bit at the magister and helped
Bill because he had seen how Sookie looked at Bill
when they left for the magister and he realized
that if he came calling after Bill disappeared,
she would never look at him that way. (This was
before Eric had either drank Sookie's blood of fed
her his. He was obviously already falling for her
so it wasn't all just the blood.).
Calling Lorena to
Dallas which set up a avalanche of woes for the
woman he supposedly wanted. Lorena kept Bill captive
so he could not come to Sookie's aid while Eric
could not seem to figure out that it does not take
forty eight hours to call on a parson (Sookie was
locked in the church basement for two nights). As
I said, you don't learn too much about how things
work in the human world when you have only been
"out of the coffin" for two years. And
let's be fair - Eric had never tried to join a church
so perhaps he did not know how long these things
take. (I am being facetious.)
Then there was the
debacle of killing Talbot and setting off Russell
Edgington. This woe was set into play by Eric calling
Lorena to Dallas. If he had never made that call,
Lorena would have made it to seventy-one years without
seeing Bill (as in out of sight, out of mind) and
she would not have gone to Mississippi to set up
Bill's kidnapping, so neither Sookie, Bill or Eric
would have ended up in Mississippi. So how does
Eric solve his mishegas? He chains our heroine in
his basement, putting a slave collar around her
neck and then invites Russell to join him in a Sookie
blood buffet while she screams in pain and terror
and then passes out from being drained. And this
was supposedly forgivable because the purpose of
her near death was so he could trick Russell into
going outside with him where the sun would presumably
kill Russell first (in True Blood rules,
the oldest vamp fries first) and hopefully save
Versus Dumb Vampire
A good part of the
trash talk on the forums is between people who think
Eric is smart and Bill is an idiot and vice versa.
Well, IMHO they are both occasionally written as
Bill agreeing to
take Sookie to Fangtasia in the first place. What
did he think would happen when Eric saw her?
Bill thinking it
was okay to glamour that cop in front of Sookie.
Eric thinking it
was okay to have your vampire associate explode
in a cloud of red gunk all over the woman you were
trying to take away from that silly Bill.
Eric not realizing
that Sookie would be furious about the way he treated
Lafayette and then trying to make amends by healing
Lafayette and giving him a sports car.
Eric chomping down
on Hadley and then hearing that she is Sookie's
cousin - that must have been one big WTF moment
in his head.
Eric staking Talbot
and THEN trying to figure out what to do about the
three thousand year old vampire who would be gunning
for him and anyone he knows.
Both of them thinking
it would be a smart idea to bury a three thousand
year old vampire in cement.
Bill thinking it
would be a good idea to bury Eric in cement and
trust that Rubin would take out Pam.
Eric starting his
courtship of Sookie at the start of Season IV by
menacing her by flashing fang and declaring that
she was his and then having to back pedal and try
Plans B, C. D and E before leaving with a promise
to fix the back door.
Bill thinking it
would be a good idea to send Eric to break up the
Wiccans by himself.
Eric thinking it
would be a good idea to break up the Wiccans by
Bill thinking for
even one moment that he could get away with staking
Eric without serious consequences from the Authority
And on and on.
Miss Sookie Herself
(IMHO) that both Bill and Eric are occasionally
idiotic villains who attempt to act human but end
up performing like dogs dancing on their hind legs,
here is the next plot point: Sookie knows and she
really doesn't care. Unlike her book counterpart,
True Blood Sookie does not hold grudges
- she just fishes her underwear out of the punch
bowl, cleans the latest dead body off her kitchen
floor and goes on with her life.
In Season IV, Sookie fell in love with a young innocent
amnesiac Eric, seeing a part of him that had been
deeply buried after years of being a Vampire. Then
after she fell in love with him, when she saw Eric
rip out one Wiccans' throat and another's heart,
her only reaction was a perplexed look on her face
- the kind of look you get when your adored German
Shepherd puppy kills a squirrel.
At the end of Season IV, Sookie also admits that
she still loves Bill making many in the fandom spit
their grits. Hey, this is not a politically correct
show and Sookie and the writers are obviously not
tuned into the latest psycho babble about how abused
women are supposed to act.
If Sookie was a truly
sensible girl (with no blood compulsion), by the
end of Season II (not III), she would have concluded
that she had obviously fallen in with bad companions
and from now on she would resolve to avoid "rough
trade" and our show would have been over.
But thank the goddesses
and whatever Lafayette worships, neither Bill or
Eric are truly good men/vampires and Sookie does
not have the good sense to stop touching their "hot
stoves" so we get to enjoy the vicarious thrill
of True Blood's gray Louisiana gumbo.
You may have noticed
that I have not written about any of the other characters
and their stories. That's cuz they come and go like
lightning off in the distance, similar to the comedians
who took to the vaudeville stage while the stage
burglars changed the set for the next act. These
characters are only truly interesting when they
interact with the main story line and none of them
are interesting enough to spin off into their own
series except for Jessica and Lafayette. Those two
could move into an Apartment B-like TV
show together and I would watch. Hell, they could
take turns reading the Fios agreement and I would
Check Back on Tuesday
night, June 12th for the recap of Season V Episode
with True Blood in the subject line.