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New York Cool Drinks True Blood

Recapping the Fifth Season of
HBO's True Blood
(Recaps in Chronological Descending Order i.e.
Most Recent First)


Written by Wendy R. Williams




True Blood
Season V Episode 12

Save Yourself

The Bon Temps Gang with Sookie, Jason, Eric, Nora, Tara, Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin:

The episode begins where we left off last week - Russell has drained the Elder Fairy and he can now see Hot Wings with its menu of tasty fairies. The fairies collectively zap him, he advances, they continue to zap him, he continues to advance, chortling with glee that their light only tickles him. Well, it doesn't tickle him for long, because Eric swoops in, grabs Russell from behind and stakes him. Russell dissolves into goo, but as he is goo-ifying we see the fairy light inside him crackle and disintegrate. So that what a lit-up vamp looks like when he dies.

Steven Newlin sees Eric with Russell, screeches and high-tails it out of there. Reverend Newlin is now officially living in the wind and I doubt Sarah will take him back.

Sookie runs out of the club to check on the unconscious Jason, against the wishes of her fellow fairies who see the other vampires in the field.

Nora vamp speeds to Eric and is immediately enchanted by the fairy smell in the field. She chases after Sookie, only to be restrained by Eric. Nora asks Eric just what Sookie is and Eric hysterically replies that, "She's a waitress, a waitress who's saved my life more than once and whose fear vibe very graciously brought me here tonight, allowing me to settle an ancient debt. And thank you for that." Eric looks at Sookie with such a sweet look and she smiles right back at him and then turns her back on the vamps to tend to Jason. This was such a wonderful moment for Eric and Sookie; they had a lot to celebrate now that, "Ding Dong! The vamp/witch is dead." Also, Sookie is obviously not at all worried about her safety now that Eric is there, thus the turning her back on Nora.

Nora strains at her Eric/leash, saying that she wants Sookie. But Eric prevails, making Nora promise on Godric that she will not harm Sookie.

Eric and Nora arrive at Fangtasia (Nora is still carrying on about how she never knew there were fairies) and Tara tells them that Pam has been arrested and taken to The Authority (she must have mentioned Jessica too, but we don't hear that). The three of them go to the dungeon and pull out some portable coffins and Eric digs into the wall and takes out a huge amount of cash which he plans on stashing someplace safe. (Eric must not trust the banking system, wonder why?) Tara does not think the plastic coffins look light tight but she is assured that they are. Tara still thinks they look like Tupperware. (Hey, Tara. Tupperware has a magic seal.)

Nora says they are insane to go back into The Authority and Eric replies that Pam is my progeny, she's family. Nora is unimpressed because she says Pam was a former prostitute? Huh? Nora has a moral code? Who knew?

Eric also tells Nora to be nice to Tara as she is family too. This brother/sister bickering looks like it is going to be fun.

We are at Sookie's house and it is the preview scene. Jason is sitting in the chair facing Sookie who is on the couch. Jason sees Sookie but he also sees his ghost parents sitting on each side of his sister. It appears that Jason's ghost parents are now vampire haters (they do have a reason). Sookie thinks Jason is acting very strangely since he was zapped by the Fairy Elder's light and she wonders if he can even hear her. But she is not going to get an answer to that question, because Eric vamp speeds into her house accompanied by Nora and Tara. Sookie is pleased to see Tara; Tara not so much. This home invasion reminds Sookie that Eric never signed her house back into her name, so she asks him about it and he promises to do so the first thing tomorrow night, if they survive the night. Sookie is like, "Say what?

Eric tells Sookie that The Authority has Bill, Jessica and Pam and he wants her to go to there with him to get them out. Jason says something along the line of "no way Jose" and tells Sookie that she needs to tell these fangers to go back to hell where they came from. Eric, who remembers being told just that at the end of Season III, starts to laugh. Jason takes offense and he and Eric start a verbal bitch slapping session. Sookie tells them to quit acting like children. Nora is standing next to Eric, she is sniffing Sookie's scent and has a rapturous look on her face. Nora tells Sookie that she smells like something she once dreamed of and Sookie matter-of-factly asks Eric to tell his sister to not look at her like that. This was utterly hysterical and perhaps a set-up for a new Season VI love triangle? What to do when your bi sister who likes to sleep with you also wants to sleep with your girl friend? This should be fun for the entire family.

Sookie then tells Eric that she knows that vampires are behind the true blood factory bombings and Eric tells her that Bill was responsible and that Bill wanted vampires to be forced to feed on humans. Sookie and Jason are both devastated to hear that their former neighbor is a war criminal. Well? Sookie agrees to go with Eric and Jason insists that he will go with her (the ghost of his father encourages him by telling him to just think about how many vampires he will be able to kill). Eric tells Jason to not be a fool and Jason gets in his face and says that he is an American and he has a right to be a fool. I just love Jason and I think Eric is starting to like him too.

Jason and Sookie are at the back entrance of the Bon Temp Stake House, which is locked and covered with crime tape. Jason and Sookie are tying a tarp over the back of Jason's truck bed which is transporting three coffins. Sookie tells him to be careful with his cargo, but Jason just does not care. Sookie keeps arguing with him that the vampires in those coffins are on their side. Jason breaks into the Stake House and they load up on stakes, guns, wooden bullets, cross bows and wooden arrows. His ghost parents are also at the Stake House and egg him on telling him that his baby sister is deluded. These ghost parents seem more and more scripted by what is going on in Jason's head.

It is night and Jason is driving his truck to New Orleans with Sookie riding shot gun. They have a philosophical discussion about life, Jason saying he has always fallen for women that are unavailable. He think that maybe Sook and he just don't think they deserve something good and they would be better off if they expect the worse. Sook, naturally does not agree with this gloom and doom, but before she is able to uplift the conversation, Eric interrupts. He is now on the roof of the truck cab and sticks his upside down head in the window and tells them to pull over.

Eric drives Jason's truck into The Authority compound with Nora riding shot gun. Jason, Sookie and Tara are tied up and gagged in the truck bed (I would have loved to have heard the conversation when Eric explained to them that their being trussed up in the back of the truck was a good idea). A guard stops them and calls ahead to get permission for them to enter. The guard asks about their cargo and Eric replies that the vampire is a mainstreaming spy and the humans are lunch. The guard remarks that the blonde smells amazing to which Eric replies that she is pretty amazing and she is his. Nora glowers. Bill is on his laptop and he gives permission for them to enter and as Bill watches the truck drive by, he sees Sookie in the back.

We will catch up with this gang right after I recap what was going on at The Authority.

The Authority with Bill, Salome, Sam, Nora, Emma/Pup and a Bunch of Disposable Storm Troopers:

It's lunch time at The Authority. The guards bring naked Sam to Bill. Sam's hands are tied and strategically placed over his privates. Bill tells the guards that they have brought him a shifter and don't they know the difference? Bill asks them to ungag Sam, who then tells Bill that Steve Newlin kidnapped his girlfriend's eight year old daughter and that all they want to do is get her and get out. But A**hole Bill says that Sam knows too much and fangs up to kill him as Sam bugs out. Bill hysterically flies around the room, landing on the chandelier, trying to catch a fly, but all to no avail as Sam has flown into the ventilation shaft. P. S. This is another lie Bill told Sookie: he obviously can fly, not just levitate like he did with Sophie Anne.

Bill assembles the guards and lectures them about how they have had a breach and tells them to scour The Authority for rats, bugs, mice etc. They are to kill anything they find and if it does not shift back into a human when it dies, they are to continue looking.

Salome is sitting in the room watching little Adolf instruct the troops. After they leave, she asks Bill if he has seen Kwebe. Bills tells her he killed Kwebe because Kwebe said that he was the chosen one and Kwebe was going to drink all the blood, but that Lilith had appeared to Bill and told him that Salome was the chosen one - the prophet for the new age. Salome buys this load of Billsh*t.

We see The Authority jail, which is filled with naked humans who are crying in fear. Naked Luna is sitting in the corner of the cell, next to the cell which has Emma/Pup in her crate. Bug Sam flies into the cell, shifts back and tells Luna that he has looked around the place and it is huge and filled with surveillance cameras. He tells Luna that if they come for her, she is to shift and hide in the ventilation ducts. Luna says she will not leave Emma, but Sam reassures her that they will come back for Emma and then Sam is off to buzz around The Authority some more.

Pam and Jessica are locked in the vamp part of The Authority jail. Jessica tells Pam that Eric and Bill had a religious conversion and she has seen it all before in her human life; one of her uncles told his small children there was no Santa Claus so Jesus would have no competition. She also cannot believe that Eric and Bill would allow Russell to leave to kill Sookie without trying to help her just because the Vampyr Bible says that fairies are an abomination. Pam sees some redeeming aspect to the Vampyr Bible.

Sam is buzzing around The Authority and he see Bill in bed with Salome. There was nothing really interesting here as Bill still needs to order some sexual technique books off the internet. Next he visits Steve Newlin's empty room where he see his Authority suit and his badge. AHA! An idea.

"Steve Newlin" arrives in the cell block to pick up his pup who he cuddles just like he was her mother. Steve and pup go to reception area where they try to exit and are thwarted by Chelsea, the receptionist, who first wants to chat about acing a statistics test and then wonders what happened to Steve's Southern accent (Hey, what kind of accent does Luna have?). But Stevie and Emma Pup never make it out, because they are accosted by Rosalyn who is utterly furious with Steve for being so foolish as to be taped while eating frat boys. Rosalyn tells Steve that he needs to go to the media room, get on air and deny this ever happened, right now. And off they go.

Rosalyn is holding Emma/Pup and bullying Steve/Luna. There is a teleprompter in place. We see the television station announcer on TV talking about the tape of Steve and Russell enjoying a pot luck supper at the frat house and then the announcer pans to "Steve" for comment. But amazingly enough, this Steve is tongue-tied and cannot follow the teleprompter and it gets worse. Steve suddenly vomits on camera and then turns into Luna and announces to the world that vampires are holding humans in an underground bunker somewhere in New Orleans. And that is a big Ut Oh because there must be almost no basements in New Orleans since New Orleans is below sea level. I wonder how long it will take the real authorities to figure out just where the vampires are hiding and doesn't the army know where they are anyway? Rosalyn opens her mouth to flash fang and kill Luna, but my oh my, "She swallows a fly. Perhaps she'll die." And she does. Sam shifts back inside Rosalyn, exploding and killing her which was just wonderful. Next we see a bloody Sam watch Luna collapse but guess what, Sam just happens to be covered in healing vampire blood.

The Authority with Everyone Who Made it to New Orleans Plus Those Who Were Already There:

Eric, Nora, Sookie, Jason and Tara are in the elevator (Sookie, Jason and Tara have been untied and armed). When the elevator door opens, Jason immediately kills poor Chelsea who has time to set off the alarm before she dies. Jason jumps behind her desk and proceeds to Rambo all the vampires who come to the rescue and there is are a lot of resulting goo. The rest of the rescue squad runs into The Authority. Next we see Eric and Nora hovering on the ceiling of The Authority chamber as the Vampire Storm troopers march through in lock step. Eric gives the signal and they kill all the storm troopers. I bet it is going to be hard to recruit new storm troopers next year.

Eric and Nora run to the control room and start bickering over how to use the lap top, but Nora finally convinces him that she knows how to disable a system she designed.

Sookie and Tara find Jessica and Pam in the Vampire jail. As soon as the system is disabled, Sookie opens Jessica's cell door and Tara pulls open Pam's silver door (ouch) and runs in and kisses Pam. Sookie and Jessica stare. Sook says, "Well, okay." And Jessica whoops, "I knew it."

Salome is in her room dressed in a white gown and holding the vial of blood. Bill enters and remarks that she looks ready to put on quite a ceremony. Salome says that she knows Bill wishes Lilith had chosen him, but God chose the strongest one. Bill asks her if she is sure she wants to go ahead, as drinking the blood may change her. Salome says she is ready for the rapture so she drinks the blood and immediately becomes ill - there was silver in the blood. Now we see again what a sadistic piece of sh*t Bill can be (remember how he enjoyed killing Sophie Anne) as he watches Salome writhing on the floor and makes fun of how she was so impatient for her rapture that she drank the blood without smelling it. He says that she is a victim of her monumental narcissism (pot and kettle time here, Bill). Bill has a stake in his hand, but he drags out the moment, enjoying Salome's suffering. Salome can't believe Bill poured silver into Lilith's blood, but Bill shows her another vial where the real blood is contained. He straddles her and prepares to stake her. Salome says that Lilith chose well and that is the end of Salome. Bill would be a good candidate for a Survivor TV show.

Jason is still in the reception room when Sookie, Tara, Pam, Eric, Nora and Jessica arrive. Jessica runs to Jason and hugs him, telling him how sorry she is and that she loves him. Jason replies that he can never love a vampire. This was very sad; Jessica is having a very bad week. Everyone gets on the elevator except Eric and Sookie. Eric tells them to re-arm, that guards will be waiting for them when they exit. Jason and Pam realize that Eric and Sookie are not going with them and protest, but to no avail as the E & S team are determined to save Bill.

Eric and Sookie arrive in Salome's bed chamber just as Bill is about to drink the blood. Bill assumes that Eric has come for the blood so Eric can be the chosen one, but Eric begs Bill to throw the blood in the fire. Sookie pleads with Bill not to drink the blood, saying that this is not the man she knew and loved. She tells Bill that he was unique among all the vampires she's met and that he had the capacity to be generous and kind. Bill replies, “What the f*ck do you know about me? For all you know, everything I did while with you was an act, calculated to elicit a particular response. (Sookie tells him that she knows that is not true) Why because of the light you bear? Have you ever considered the possibility that it is a handicap? One that blinds you to the most obvious of truths: that you are an abomination, just like the vampire bible states." Bill continues ranting, quoting scripture about how vampires are superior to all other creatures, who only exist to nurture them. Sookie persists: she pleads with him, saying that if he ever cared about her, he would not drink the blood. Bill then sticks in the final dagger saying that "I told you the first night we met that vampires often turn on those they love the most." He proceeds to drink the blood and Sookie runs behind Eric. But then something very strange happens, Bill starts to bleed all over his body and disintegrates into a bloody mess. Sookie runs to Eric and buries her head in his chest and starts to sob. Eric seems both horrified by Bill's apparent death and elated that Sookie turned to him for comfort. But there is not much time for any kind of realizations because just then Bilith arises from the blood. It is Bill covered in blood and he has extremely long fangs. Eric yells run and they are off and the season is over.

Bonus Scene: The other vampires plus Jason are in the elevator, getting ready to fight their way out of the compound. Jason's ghost parents are also with him and his Dad tells him that there are four more vamps in the elevator that he can kill to avenge his parent's deaths at the hands of Warlow. But Jason does not take him up on the bait so there is some hope for Jason's heart. The door opens and Jason/Rambo kills one vamp and is racing up the stairs yelling, "I'm coming for you, Warlow!" when Nora stops him and asks, "How do you know Warlow?" That was wonderful and a real teaser for Season VI.

Here are the other episode stories:

Alcide, his Dad, Martha, Ricki and JD:

Alcide and his Dad are still at Dad's trailer. They have killed a deer and are barbecuing and talking when Martha pulls up with a crazed Terri in the back seat. Alcide pulls Terri out of the car and Martha tells him that they forced Terri to drink vampire blood and that she, Martha, is afraid that Terri has overdosed. Alcide carries Terri into the trailer and his father feeds her a V antidote (colloidal silver) which makes her sweat out the blood. In the background, the TV is playing a tape of Russell, Steve and the twelve frat boys. That sounds like a gay porn, but it wasn't. Terri tells Alcide that JD called a pack meeting and when she got there, they held all the "no blood drinking" vamps down and force fed them V. Alcide asks if anything else happened. Terri is too mad at Alcide about the fact that he left town and never called her to tell her where he was, that she refuses to tell him what happened next. But Alcide persists and she finally says that it was "all" for her, but not for some of the younger girls.

Alcide is thoroughly disgusted and says if JD was not on V, he would kick his ass. But because JD is on V, the last time Alcide tried to kill him, he (Alcide) nearly died. His father tells him that he needs to fight fire with fire and Dad has a vial of really good V which he uses from time to time when someone wants to kill him, which I imagine comes up now and again.

Alcide and his Dad arrive at the clearing where JD has strung up a screaming baby vampire by silver chains and is cutting him and drinking the vamp blood. (It was a former middle-aged man, but a baby vamp since he was just turned.) Alcide attacks JD while Dad and Martha hold off the other werewolves. Alcide has JD on the ground and he is pummeling the hell out of him when his Dad tells him he won the fight. But Alcide does not think so; he reaches down and breaks JD's neck. (Methinks Alcide drank Dad's potion). All the other wolves bow down and Alcide tells them that it ends right now. From now on we will respect ourselves. No more V, no more taking advantage of the weak (gesturing to the baby vamp hanging in the trees) and if anyone does not like that, they have 24 hours to get out or they can fight him right now. "Tonight, we chose pack."

Merlotte's with Lafayette, Holly, Arlene, Andy, Murella and Jane Bodehouse:

Lafayette has created some pretty potent drinks for himself, Arlene and Holly. Arlene is nervous because it is close to sundown (I guess all businesses are closing at sundown), but she decides to stay and party a bit. Andy arrives with a very pregnant Murella. He asks Murella to sit in a booth while he talks to his friend. Murella says that will be fine, but would he give her some salt, so Andy gives her a container of salt which Murella proceeds to pour down her throat. No one pays attention. Jane Boathouse is seated at the bar and she is drunk as usual; she tells Andy that they have slept together which Andy denies. Holly says it better not be true because they shared something special and if he slept with Jane, it would not be special anymore. Andy asks Holly to go with him so they can talk privately. Holly gets an "oh no" look on her face. They walk over to the "nooner" pool table and the first thing Holly asks Andy is who and how many times. Andy confesses to twice, once before they were together and once after the Facebutt incident. And now Murella is pregnant and she refuses to go to the hospital because she says fairies don't give birth in a hospital. Holly is incensed and is about to take Andy to task when suddenly she sees Murella standing in the middle of the room announcing that her light broke and sure enough her baby making machine is all lit up.

Murella is lying on the pool table and Holly is delivering her baby. Murella is going strong and it looks like it will be over soon. Holly remarks that this must not be Murella's first pregnancy and it's not. According to Murella, she has done this 73 times since she learned how. There were so many hysterical lines in this scene, like Arlene asking, "Who knew watching an alien give birth could be so comforting?" And Lafayette replying, "You kidding me? It's always the weird stuff that is the best." But the funniest part to watch was Lafayette, Jane Bodehouse and Arlene perched on bar stools, watching and enjoying the show. And what a show it was. Fairies giving birth is obviously an orgasmic experience and Murella is one multi-orgasmic girl. She hit her high four times, birthing four daughters, none with umbilical cords and we will find out what that means in just a moment. Once Murella screamed so loud (in ecstasy) that she broke a beer bottle. But as soon as Murella is done with her baby birthing business, she hops off the table, pulls down her dress and tells the totally baffled Andy that the quadruplets are his and with a "Goodbye, Andy Bellefleur," she is off. See, no umbilical cord. Holly looks Andy in the eye and tells him that he is a dick (he most certainly has one). But something tells me that Holly will reconsider her sentiments because she just helped bring into the world four beautiful baby girls who don't have a mother. And just how much help do you think Andy's sister Portia or Arlene's daughter Lisa can or will be?


It certainly looks like Sookie and Eric will be back together next season regardless of how anti-vamp Jason has become. Nothing was said about their reunion in this episode, it was just obvious that they are now a couple.

I have been anti-Bill since the end of Season III when all of my previous niggling doubts about his character were explained by the Ratray reveal. But Stephen Moyer did such a brilliant job of portraying Bill's downfall that now I actually feel sorry for him. Bill is so obviously totally devoid of character; he can only pretend to be someone else because there is nothing inside him, no true identity. Before, when he was with Sookie, he seemed to have adopted a moral code the way a tourist who spends three months in a foreign land would pick up some of the language. But now he thinks he has found a religion that tells him that God wants him to be a monster and he has become a true believer. And since this is True Blood, we know this belief will last about 30 minutes into Episode 1 of Season VI and then Bill will be lost again and he will be really lost this time, because he now has no maker (big loss there), no progeny and no friends. Plus he will be a hunted man.

Two small notes about Bill and whether all of his "borrowed" humanity is really gone: Bill did not attack Sookie when she was pleading with him and he misquoted himself when he said that the night he met he had told her that, "Vampires sometimes turn on those they love the most." The actual quote from the night they met was, "Vampires sometimes turn on those who trust them." This was one Freudian slip.

I really hope they develop the story of the four half fairy babies, but have no idea how they will do so. But what a fun idea.

I really hope Nora survives into next season. Her relationship with Eric, Pam, Tara and Sookie is comedy gold.

So over and out and see you next season.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.

True Blood
Season V Episode 11


Episode 11 drove the True Blood roller coaster to the pinnacle.

Here is what happened to all our happy campers in the next-to-last-episode of Season V.

The Authority with Bill, Eric, Salome, Eric, Kwebe, Rosalyn, General Cavanaugh, Jessica, Jason, Sam/Mouse, Luna/Mouse and Emma/Pup:

Bill is creeping about the Authority Chamber when suddenly he hears a siren's song; Mamma Lilith is summoning her darling baby boy Bill. The doors to the inner sanctum open and there she is - naked Lilith with her blood-soaked you-know-what. Lilith tells Bill that, "Only one can lead us. I choose you. Drink the blood, drink all of it." And then she is gone and there is a bloody hand print on the glass case.

Nora is sitting on a couch in the Council room, thinking about what Godric told her. Salome arrives to tell her that General Cavanaugh is coming to talk to them. Salome notices something different about Nora and asks if she has doubts. Nora just says no, she is just worried about Russell. Salome reassures Nora that Russell is insignificant and that the plan that she and Nora made to take over the world has come to fruition and in the darkness they will rejoice. Nora kisses Salome (Judas kiss, anyone?) and says that she will alert the others about the meeting with General Cavanaugh.

Jessica enters Salome's rooom, looking for Bill's phone (her phone is not working underground), but she is quickly discovered by Bill. Jessica asks if she can use the phone and when Bill asks why, she tells him that Russell and Steve are loose and she had to pull Steve off Jason twice and she needs to call Jason and warn him that he and Sookie are in danger. Bill refuses to let her use the phone and explains that humans are only food and that he made himself miserable worrying about human's feeling and their problems. Jessica replies that you don't mean that, but Bill does mean just that. Jessica then offers to make Jason a vampire. Bill sarcastically asks “Do you think I’m an idiot? Do you think you can manipulate me with your foolish lies?” But then he tells her she has to make Jason a vampire as sometime soon he may need their blood line. He then sends two vampires with her with instructions that they are to be sure his progeny turns one Jason Stackhouse.

Eric is pacing in his room like a caged lion, frantic with worry. Nora enters and they embrace. They quickly have sad, intense sex - two damaged people/vampires who desperately need to connect. Nora begs Eric to forgive her and asks what are they going to do? Eric assures her that he will get them out of here.

General Cavanaugh arrives at The Authority with a caravan of vehicles and an entourage of guards. He enters the sanctuary and demands to see Roman. The chancellors tell him that Roman is not available. but the General is not buying it. He says he has been trying to reach Roman for days and that he knows that vampires bombed the True Blood factories. Rosalyn denies that and he tells her to not bull sh*t a bull sh*tter. The General is furious and tells them that he had an agreement with Roman and that agreement was mainstreaming and they should know that the military has plans to take them (the vampires) out. He threatens them, saying that the government has weapons they cannot even imagine and humans own the day. Bill then tells him that Roman is no longer with us and Eric sarcastically says that Roman could not get with the program so he had to go. Nora tells him that they are a sanguinista regime now and Bill suggests that since the General seems to be a practical man, he had better get on board with their new agenda. (That's eating humans, Bill! Are you serious?). The General then pulls his trump card - he has a video of Russell and Steve eating twelve members of a fraternity and if anything happens to him, the video goes viral. He reminds them that Roman promised the President of the United States that Russell Edgington was dead and if the video is seen, all humans will rise up against them. Suddenly they are listening, but still arrogant. The General turns to leave and just as he is about to reach the door, Eric is in front of him. The General says, "Oh, God." To which Eric replies, "God is a vampire," and kills him.

Afterwards, there is chaos in The Authority room. Salome and Kwebe are furious that Eric killed the General, but Rosalyn is pleased. Eric just says that the General was a dick. But they all know that a lot has to be done to contain what just happened. Nora says she can fix this - she knows the General's second in command and she and Eric will reach him and obtain the tapes before they can be distributed. Salome tells them to do it, but Bill, suspecting something else may be going on, tells them to take a security detail, as they might need the backup. Eric agrees and Bill says he will glamour the General's entourage. It is very obvious that Bill realizes that Eric and Nora are leaving for good and there is very little he can do about it.

Jason arrives home and sees Jessica and her two vampire guards. Jessica tells Jason to trust her and Jason looks confused as usual. The vampire guards just want her to hurry up as they need to get them in the ground. Jessica looks Jason in the eye and tells him one more time to trust her and then she bites him while he screams. Later we see Jessica and Jason in a grave. Jessica has her arms wrapped around Jason and she is telling him that she is so sorry. The guards are throwing dirt on them, but they look away for a moment to converse about stopping for a snack (I guess seeing Jessica eat made them hungry) which was a bad time to be distracted from the task at hand because Jessica tells Jason, "Now," and Jason shoots the guards with wooden bullets and they explode. Well I guess that settles the argument about whether or not Bill's releasing Jessica ever took. It sure did because she just disobeyed his direct order and good for Jessica.

Jessica tells a furious Jason that she tried to not take too much blood and then she tells him that, "I know this wasn't real, but if I was going to have to spend eternity with someone, you would be the one. I wasn't faking that part."

But Jason isn't interested in Jessica's romantic declaration; he has other concerns. He quickly leaves to warn Sookie that Russell is out and Bill and Eric are now crazy. My heart just broke for Jessica in this episode.

Eric and Nora are in the backseat of a limousine, supposedly heading to the airport and I guess Washington D.C. The usual Steven Newlin's nonsense is braying from the radio. The car stops at a red light and Eric asks if he can change the station. He reaches forward to the front seat, breaks off the steering wheel and stakes the two front seat vamps. Eric and Nora climb out of the car. There is a symphony playing in the background - I think Mozart's "Requiem." They smile at each other, Norah pulls off her Authority necklace and they fly away.

Back at The Authority, we see two mice scurry about

Bill sees Lilith again with her life affirming message of how only one can lead us and he is the chosen one and for him to drink the blood, all of it. He resists a little less this time and Lilith puts some of her blood on his lips. Bill opens his arms and rejoices.

Sam and Luna find The Authority jail, which is filled with naked humans plus Emma Pup, all locked in cells. Sam and Luna shift back to naked humans. Luna quickly tells Emma not to shift. Just then the guards arrive to see two naked prisoners who have somehow escaped their cell. The guards are putting Sam and Luna "back in their cell" when one of the guards announces that Mr. Compton wants his breakfast and Sam volunteers to go, telling Luna to do what she has to do. On the way to be Mr. Compton's breakfast, Sam see Pam being dragged into the prison and they both do a "What the f*ck are you doing here?" Sam tells Pam to help Luna to which Pam replies, "Who the hell is Luna?"

Bill enters the Vampyr holy of holies and finds Kwebe on his knees worshipping the vial of blood. Kwebe announces that Lilith appeared to him and that he, Kwebe, is the chosen one. Bill disagrees, so he rips off Kwebe's head and hides his goo in the reflecting pool surrounding the glass case.

Bill hears that Jessica is back and he confronts her about killing the two vampires and letting Jason go. Jessica replies that he did the same thing for Sookie. And Bill tells her that he was wrong to chose a human over a vampire. Jessica tells him that Pam says that you are in a nest and it is making you crazy. Bill viciously knocks Jessica across the room telling her "Who are you to defy me? I am the chosen one."

Lilith appears to Salome with the same song and dance she just sold Bill and Kwebe. And now that Rosalyn is back at The Authority, I bet she is just about to be annointed Lilith Queen for the Day too.

Sookie, The Fairies, Jason, The Fairy Elder, Russell and Steve:

Sookie and Jason are seated in the fairy club while Sookie waits to talk to the Fairy Elder. She tells Jason about "rude ectoplasm Warlow's" trip to her bathroom which Jason and all the viewers agree was creepy. But Jason has to leave because of all the vampire problems and the other cops calling in sick (I wonder why?).

Sookie is standing with a group of fairies, just about to meet with the Fairy Elder. Murella advises her that the Fairy Elder has lived a long time and her brain is basically full, so it skips around her various frequencies. (Murella just described the average New Yorker.) The fairies surrounding Sookie make some kind of gesture and the Fairy Elder appears. Claude and his sister bow and Sookie attempts an awkward curtsy which was incredibly cute (she was dressed in a pretty pink party dress).

Sookie wants information about the pact, but the Fairy Elder is only interested in discussing the issue of our times: Ke$ha - for or against? Is she a singer or just a poet who cannot spell? Sookie replies that she is not familiar with Ke$ha (the mostly play country and western on the local Bon Temp AM station) and she tries to bring the Elder's attention to the matter at hand - the agreement between her ancestor John Stackhouse and M. Warlow. The Fairy Elder dances around and between twirls and pop culture references (John Cougar Mellancamp? Boys II Men?), she tells Sookie that she did know Johnny Stackhouse and he was a landowner and a bit of a creep, which does not offend Sookie who obviously agrees that anyone who would sign a pack to give away a female descendent is pretty creepy.

(P. S. The Fairy Elder was a lot of fun in a fruit-loop-granola-bar-and-Yoga kinda way.)

Sookie tries to get the Fairy Elder to focus again and suddenly there is a moment of reason:

Fairy Elder: "Look, there is a reason you find vampires irresistible. A reason you slut your heart out to every cute guy out there with fangs."

Sookie: "I beg your pardon?"

Fairy Elder: "You. Me. Warlow. Our destinies are entwined."

Sookie: "Yes. Okay. But what is that supposed to mean?"

Fairy Elder: "A dark time is coming. You will be tested. Hold on to your light. As long as we fairies control the light, we will be free."

And off she goes, dancing, spewing pop culture references and finally a last bit about Warlow, "Warlow is Vi..."

But before she can finish her phrase, Jason arrives. He is frantic to get inside the club so Claude and another fairy run out, grab him and pull him in and that ends the Q & A time with the Fairy Elder.

Jason tells everyone that Russell Edgington is loose and looking for Sookie and that there will be no help from Bill and Eric, who have gone crazy on some kind of blood. Sookie tells everyone that she is tired of running and they have to fight. This call-to-arms does not please everyone in the club.

The Fairy Elder recognizes the name Russell Edgington. It obviously means something to her and she declares that the Fairy Clan of Bon Temp will fight with Miss Sookie Stackhouse. Murella gets a "Not in my lifetime" look on her face. Hey, the gal is pregnant.

Later Jason and Sookie are talking outside (it is daytime). They have obviously formulated a plan for Jason to draw Russell and Steve to the fairy club. They are very sweet together, Sookie telling Jason that he does not have to do this and Jason saying the one thing he learned as QB1 is the best defense is a good offense. Jason and Sookie both say, "I love you," and Jason leaves. Jason and Sookie are just wonderful together this season.

Russell arrives at Sookie's house to see Jason standing on the porch guarding the door holding a rifle. He kidnaps him and glamours him into telling him where Sookie is and Jason says she is with the fairies (hearing there are more fairies surprises and delights Russell) and he will take Russell to them. (Russell takes the rifle with them, which is a big clue for next week's show.)

Jason, Russell and Steve arrive at the fairy club field. Steve is hysterically locked in the back of the cop car and has to bang to be let out (Jason drove and Russell sat up front).

Steve and Russell are totally enchanted with the smell and they run wild around the field before Russell finally settles down and grabs Jason and threatens to tear him limb from limb if Sookie does not show herself.

Sookie is watching from inside the club. She is panicked and says they have to fight. Claude says they are ready and why doesn't the Fairy Elder start the battle. But there has been a change of plans: The Fairy Elder steps outside with an "I got this." She throw Steve Newlin about a foot ball field away and is about to do the same thing to Russell when he puts Jason in front of him. Jason receives the blast and is thrown into a tree and Russell attacks, drains and kills the Fairy Elder who quickly disintegrates. (This really depressed me - first Doug, then Molly, then this eccentric fairy? Can't the writers keep some of the fun characters? They didn't kill Lafayette at the end of Season I, so why not keep at least one of these new characters?)

Russell can now see Hot Wings; we can also see it and it is beautiful. And standing in the doorway is a group of very upset and worried fairies looking right at their arch nemesis, Mr. Russell Edgington, who really does need to die soon.

Fangtasia with Pam, Tara, Jessica, Rosalyn and the Storm Troopers:

Pam is in fretting around the office (the scene of Elijah's beheading) and Tara is reassuring her that she has cleaned every bit of exploded dead Elijah from the office. Pam is not convinced and looks under all the desk mat etc.

Jessica arrives at Fangtasia, looking like hell or like she was just buried. Pam asks what happened to her and Jessica pleads for Pam to hide her. Pam says she is not a halfway house for wayward vamps. Jessica says she knows where Eric is and if Pam will hide her she will tell her. Pam throws Jessica up against the wall and threatens her, but Jessica just piteously pleads, "Hide me." Pam relents and tells Tara to get Jessica's coffin out of storage.

Pam, Jessica and Tara are hanging in the basement of Fangtasia. Jessica has obviously just filled them in on what is going on at The Authority. Pam tells them that is nest behavior; that when vampires live in nests, they egg each other on and become more evil and this sounds like nest behavior on steroids. Jessica asks is she in Eric ever lived in a nest and Pam says no, that she finds most vampires as irritating as most humans. After Pam leaves, Jessica asks Tara if she likes Pam (meaning sexually). Tara is highly offended making me believe the lady "doth protest too much." Jessica is incredibly sad and says she just really needs a friend and even if Tara beats her up, she (Jessica) is a vampire and she will heal. Tara says she will find her a fangbanger for tonight. Such a sweet Fangtasia moment.

Rosalyn arrives at Fangtasia. It seems that Elijah was one of her 240 progenies and she knows he is dead. She smells his blood and attack Tara asking if she killed him. Pam says she did it and Rosalyn has the Storm Troopers arrest her and on the way out she grabs Jessica to take her back to The Authority.

Merlottes's with Andy, Holly, Holly's Boys, Terry, Arlene and Murella:

There is a sweet scene with Holly and Andy's boys. The boys are eating lunch at Merlottes's and Holly brings Andy over to talk to them. The younger one is pretty nice and he readily apologies for putting Andy's butt on Facebook. The older one is more of a dick and says he cannot get that image out of his mind (well, most of us can't). But Andy's good graces prevail and he make his first attempt to get to know Holly's boys.

Later Andy is sitting at the bar with Terry and Arlene. Arlene is sitting in Terry's lap and they look blissfully happy (I guess if you have PTSD, another killing does not make that much difference in your mood). Arlene says something along the lines that everyone should embrace their happiness, because you never know when an Iraqi ghost lady will curse your entire family. Andy admires their relationship and is asking if they have any tips when a very pregnant Murella arrives and announces to all that it is Andy's baby.

Andy takes Murella into Sam's office. He is incredulous that this could be his kid or that she could be pregnant as he only "saw" her twice and once was a week ago. Andy says that regardless of what people might think he is not stupid. Murella replies that a week ago is when she conceived and she is right on schedule. But pregnant or not, Andy says he has a good thing going on with Holly and he wants that to continue and he thinks he will be happier with someone of his own species. Murella reminds him that he promised on the light and that if he does not honor that, it is the same as declaring war. Oh hell!

Alcide's Dad's Trailer with Alcide, Dad and a bunch of baby vamps with no good sense:

Alcide is still staying with his Dad and they are outside digging totally illogical holes in the front yard of the trailer (perhaps this was an excuse for Alcide to take off his shirt). The Mississippi pack master come by to warn them about marauding groups of baby vamps who are attacking people. Alcide's Dad says he will be fine as his property has a silver plated fence. Afterwards, Alcide and his father have words. Alcide reminds his father that the reason he is no longer pack master of the Mississippi pack is that he stole money from the pack. Dad, of course, is not pleased to have his son point out the error of his ways. Alcide responds with, "Whatever happened with pack first?"

It is night and Alcide is at still at his Dad's home. Alcide is microwaving a cardboard container of Campbell's soup when he hears some baby vamps outside. The baby vamps cannot attack them or their trailer because of the silver plated fence. He then hears the pack of delinquent vamps go to the trailer next door to attack the old lady who lives there. Alcide leaves to go help her as his Dad tells him that he cannot save the world, but Alcide replies that he is a man and this is what men do.

Alcide's gun has wooden bullets and he kills several of the vamps. One of them looks at the goo and hysterically remarks, "So that is what happens when we die." Alcide kills a few more and it looks like one of them is going to kill Alcide but no, Dad is standing on the roof of his trailer and he shoots the second to last vamp. The very last vampire hooligan, who looks like she used to be a teenage girl, does the math and vamp speeds away.


Bill has obviously turned so dark and in such a 180 degree fashion, it makes me wonder what is really going on in the writer's room. His character is now a crazy loony-tunes V Addict just like Debbie Pelt in Season III. He also has a completely different personality and is now an Adolf Hitler clone.

Here is a crazy theory about why this might be happening on the show: Anna and Stephen are having twins this fall and True Blood starts filming right after Thanksgiving, which means that the real star of the show, Anna Paquin, is going to have to get back into her fighting shape and go back to work about two months after she has her babies. And hey, you can say they can hire a lot of help, but that help needs to be supervised. No one who did not have to (a lot of people have to), would leave two small babies with hired help. Even if they have two nannies, they would still want a family member to be present. So is it possible that this dark turn of Bill's is a prelude to him being blown up and buried at The Authority, which would mean that Stephen could have a lighter work schedule for the first few episode of Season VI while Bill is being excavated and revived. Alternate theory, there is a French Chancellor in the last Episode. Could Bill have to go to France to "handle" the mess that the vampires made in the US? Or he could just have to "go on the lam" to keep from being arrested and tried for mass murder. Or are they just going to kill off Bill and have Stephen (who everyone loves) stay with the show as a director, which is my most unlikely theory.

But there has to be some reason the writers and show runners have turned Bill into an arch villain, other than an attempt to save money by not having to hire a guest star to terrorize Bon Temps on Season VI.

Predictions/Speculations for next week:

Eric will kill Russell and Jason may kill Steve Newlin (the producers might want to keep Steve around - he is incredibly funny). Alternate theory: Jason wakes up and retrieves the rifle that Russell foolishly took along on their little escapade. He then he shoots Russell, killing him with a wooden bullet.

Salome and Rosalyn will either kill each other or Bill will kill them. But before Lilith is through with her Machiavellian plot, only one of them will be left and my money is on Bill.

Sookie will either be captured by Authority goons or she will voluntarily go to the Authority to save Bill. I think it is the latter because of the spoiler video of Sookie dressed in a black tank top while aiming a rifle. We have not seen that scene yet and it probably takes place when they arm themselves to breach The Authority.

Luna and Sam (Sam will just fly away from Bill) will free Emma and the prisoners with Pam's help, and all will escape taking Jessica with them (Luna may skin walk again which makes my inner fan very nervous because she almost died last time). But as soon as the guards leave the cell block, Luna can become a bug and get out of the cell, and then as a person, hopefully find the keys.

Jason will either shoot Bill or blow up The Authority. And if Jason does not blow up The Authority, the army just might.

Sookie will be reunited with Eric and she will "adopt" the now homeless Jessica much to Eric's chagrin.

I don't know about Nora's survival, but she could have an interesting character arch for Season VI. After all this mess is cleaned up, someone will need to run The Authority again and a "reformed to mainstreaming" Nora would be the logical choice.

So over and out and see you next week.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.

True Blood
Season V Episode 10

Gone, Gone, Gone

This was a great episode; lots happened and the pace was intense.

So here we go.

Sookie, Mike, Andy, Jason, Jessica, Hoyt, Maxine and the Fairies:

The episode opens to a TV screen; an announcer is covering the bombing of (all) five of the True Blood factories. The factory owners are quoted as saying that they will rebuild, but in the meantime, according to the announcer, there has been a 50% rise in vampire attacks. Steve Newlin is seen spinning the tale on TV, saying that vampires are working closely with Homeland Security. And there is more Newlin fun to come as tomorrow night he will return to debate Lafayette's old John, Representative David Finch.

The camera pans back and we see Miss Sookie Stackhouse watching this nonsense. Sookie exasperatedly turns off the TV and sits down to go through a box of papers labeled "Vampire Crimes" and eat some Chinese (food not people). Who knew you could get Chinese takeout in Bon Temp? You obviously can because Miss Stackhouse takes containers of Egg Foo Young or Mu Shi Pork or something else out of a brown paper bag. But we never do find out what she ordered because there is a knock at the door, Sookie answers and it is Mike Spencer. Sookie quickly invites him in because it is not safe outside, but it quickly becomes clear that it is also not safe inside, because Mike has turned into a vampire and he attacks Sookie, biting her inner thigh through her cute pink flower print flannel pajamas. But creepy Mike's vampire life is short lived because Sookie quickly stakes him with a chopstick - very campy, fun and kick *ss. But I imagine it did ruin her appetite for the Chinese food, even though it did not look like any Mike goo got inside the cardboard containers.

Andy has arrived at Sookie's without a coroner because, well, the coroner is already there - splattered all over the living room floor. Sookie has changed out of her cute little pajamas (Sookie and Emma must shop at the same dry goods emporium). Andy is bagging the chop sticks and Sookie does not think he is being very careful about the forensics, but Andy reassures her that no one is interested in this type of crime anymore. He also remarks with a touch of sadness, that this is exactly the kind of crime scene Mike Spencer would have enjoyed. But then we get to see Andy and Sookie's developing friendship when they immediately start gossiping about the not-so-dearly departed Mike. Sookie tells him that Mike wanted to suck on her toes and Andy says that Mike kept his autopsy photos on his computer right next to his porn. Andy sure has changed since Season I.

Later, Jason is at Sookie's helping her pack to move to Jason's home (Eric owns her house so any vampire can enter). Sookie wants to pack up Bud Dearborn's old files (the ones she was going through when Mike arrived), but Jason says that there is nothing there. Sookie says that she also found no clues in the boxes under the bed. Jason asks what was under there and when Sookie replies, he decides that Sookie did not do a thorough investigation. He then asks her exactly what Gran said and Sookie says that the answer was "under the bed," not "in a box under the bed." Jason finds a loose floor board and opens it and there is a box and inside the box is a scroll filled with scribbles.

Maxine is driving her "baby boy" Hoyt home from the hospital. She tells Hoyt that she has ordered a California King bed and cleared out some dolls so there is room for him and his new bed. Maxine may have bought a bed but Hoyt is not buying her. He tells his Mom that he is not coming back home, instead he has signed on to work on a rig in Alaska. Hoyt asks Maxine what she wants - a successful happy son or an invalid? As soon as he asks the question, Hoyt knows the answer.

Sookie and Jason are at Professor Kamal's office at the University of Northern Louisiana. They have brought their scroll. Professor Kamal suspects a hoax. The velum is hundreds of years old, but the markings are not in any recognizable language as all languages repeat symbols and every symbol on this scroll is unique. He is pretty sure of one thing - it is not a human language. Sookie and Jason exchange knowing looks. Clue alert!

Later that evening, Jessica enters Merlotte's and is greeted by two rednecks who want to shoot her. Sam and Lafayette pull guns on the "necks" and disarm them. Sam then tells Jessica that he is out of True Blood, but she is welcome to eat those two guys. Jessica flashes fang but then decides that they are too stringy for her tastes.

The "necks" ask if they can leave and Sam tells them to get out of his bar. Lafayette tells one of them to take his fries. The idiot grabs the fries and promptly spills them on Jason who is entering the door. Jason grabs a fry in mid air, eats it and then he sees Jessica and asks why she is there. She tells him that she is meeting someone to which he replies, "So am I." Jason wants to know where her guards are and Jessica replies that they left as soon as Bill quit paying them and it was probably a good thing because they were beginning to look very tasty. This blood shortage seems to be creating problems everywhere. (Remember what I said last week about how The Authority guards might be less than pleased to work for a bunch of feral vampires and could easily decide to betray them.)

Hoyt enters Merlotte's.

Hoyt, Jessica and Jason are sitting in a booth - Jason and Jessica sit together facing Hoyt. Hoyt tells them about his plans to go to Alaska. J and J do not want Hoyt to go and Jessica asks him how can he be sure that things will be better in Alaska? Hoyt then gets around to the Agatha Christiesque part about, "You must be wondering why I asked you gather here today." He wants Jessica to glamour him so he will forget he even knew her and even more painfully, he wants her to help him forget that he ever knew Jason. He tells Jessica that he wants to be able to go to sleep at night without dreaming about her. Jessica is heartbroken, but she lovingly glamours Hoyt telling that he will meet someone wonderful and that the women he meets will be his first love. And he should close his eyes and count to ten and when he opens them, they will be gone forever and he will be relaxed and hungry. Hoyt closes his eyes and a devastated Jason and Jessica leave. This was one of the saddest scenes in True Blood history.

Later that evening, Sookie and Jason are driving down a darkened road when Jason see Hoyt's truck driving in the opposite direction. Jason does a quick 180, turns on his sirens and pulls him over. But when Jason tries to talk to Hoyt, it is obvious that Hoyt does not know him - Hoyt sees Jason's name tag and asks if he is related to Sookie. This is a bitterly sweet scene - Jason has obviously loved his friendship with Hoyt and now it is gone - completely and totally gone and it is pretty much his fault. Jason send Hoyt on his way after pleading on more time for this stranger to not leave town. Jason gets back in his cop car starts to sob and Sookie wraps her arms around him.

Sookie and Jason visit their fairy friends at Hot Wings. They show the scroll to Claude and his sisters who tell them that the scroll is much older than they are as they are only 130 years old. Jason is incredulous at the idea that there could be fairies who are 130 years old and Claude replies that some are much older, "How do you think they learned to dance that well?" He then asks one of the older fairies to help. But this older fairy is a very pregnant Murella (Ut Oh!). Murella lights up the scroll (much to Sookie's amazement) and translates that it is an agreement written in fairy blood in 1702 between a John William Stackhouse and a M Warlow where John William promised to give M Warlow his first fae bearing female heir. Jason asks Claude who was the first fae bearing female heir and Claude replies that there were none until Sookie. (Not necessarily - see notes below)

The Authority with Molly, Bill, Salome, Nora, Russell and Steve:

Cute little Molly has been brought before the council. She is wearing her invention - the Istake. The hypocritical *itch Salome says they will give her one more chance to accept Lilith. Molly replies that it would not matter if she did, they would stake her anyway so F*ck them as they are, "Destroying the world based on a book that is thousands of years old, You call that evolved. It's the absolute opposite of evolved." Kwebe says that they could still convert her to Lilith, but she is not worth the trouble. Rosalyn has no sympathy, and just wants them to get it over with, but Steve Newlin and Russell are thrilled to be able to attend an execution. Bill sanctimoniously says she has betrayed them and the council has decided she is to meet the true death. Bill then actives Molly's stake with an Iphone. Molly explodes into goo and Steve squeals in delight only to be admonished by Salome who then gives a blessing to Lilith.

Here is my revised list of vampires who need to meet the true death this season: Salome, Kwebe, Rosalyn, Russell, Steve and Bill. Yes Bill and I used to like him and think he was the best choice for Sookie. Now yuck! According to the episode guides, Eric tries to save Bill's humanity in the last episode, but by now IMHO it is not a life worth saving. And Steven and Russell might be cute and funny together, but eating the bridal party, stealing Emma, cheering on the death of Molly, and "something you don't know about yet unless you saw the episode," means it is time for them to take their bows and leave the stage. I know this is a vampire show and vampires are intrinsically evil but part of the fun of watching a good versus evil story is seeing the "evils" get theirs. And almost everyone at The Authority is past their "sell by" date.

Russell then declares that the excitement of the staking has made him hungry and asks who would like to go out for dinner. Steve most certainly does, but Mother Salome admonishes that Steve has an important TV appearance tomorrow. Russell replies that he thought, "The book of Lilith wanted us to hunt or is there some chapter I missed which wants us to sit around memorizing index cards?" The old sugar daddy vamp and his vampy boy toy exit to find a Greek restaurant.

Bill is in the vampire "Holy of Holies" drawing some blood into the little gizmo that Roman used to serve communion. Then we see Eric being dragged in by two guards accompanied by his "loving" sister Nora. Eric is incredibly weak and according to the extras on HBO GO, Nora has been torturing him by keeping him awake for the last few days and filling him with silver. Now you may ask, why Nora was not on my list of "Vampires to be Staked." Well I will tell you but you need to read the rest of the recap.

Priggish, sanctimonious Bill tells Eric that Bill and Eric's sister cannot keep him alive much longer if he does not accept Lilith, "The true death will come soon." Eric replies, "So be it." But Bill says he is not ready to give up on Eric and Eric has saved his life and he has saved Eric's in the past. (Why of why isn't Bill wearing an Istake? All of fandom wants to punch his code. Please just let us text it in.). Bill with Nora's help forces Eric to take Lilith's blood. Nora wants to trip with him and takes some too. Bill leaves them alone and goes into another chamber where he can watch them on a monitor. Soon an apparition of fire appears to the tripping Eric and Nora and it is Godric. Nora is incredulous and angry with Godric for deserting her centuries ago. Godric replies that she is his blood but Nora is not buying it and says her blood is now the blood of Lilith. Godric replies that Lilith is a false God. Eric tells Godric that he tried to save Nora but he failed. Godric tells Nora that he did something she is afraid to do, "He evolved." Lilith then appears and wraps her arms around Godric. Nora becomes hysterical and begs Lilith to save Godric. Eric cries to Godric to "Fight her." But Godric tells him that he is not the one who needs to fight her. Lilith then decapitates Godric in front of his screaming progeny. Bill has watched all of this but he only sees Eric and Nora and their reactions. Lilith can obviously only be seen when high on blood but after he see Eric and Nora's utter devastation, Bill is pleased and says "Praise Lilith."

Steve and Russell are dancing to a Katy Perry song. Their mouths are covered in blood. Russell tells Steve that they do not need to live their lives in the dark and the answer to day walking is tantalizingly close. Steve asks Russell to take him to which Russell replies, "I thought you would never ask." The camera then pans away to show they are dancing in a fraternity house surrounded by dead bodies. There is a clicking noise that sounds like a camera has been activated.

Jessica is at home alone at Bill's house when a group of Authority guards arrive to take her to New Orleans. She tells them to buzz off but the she-guard show her Bill on the Iphone commanding her to go with the guards so she does.

Jessica arrives at The Authority and is greeted by Bill who tells her that she had to come to New Orleans as it was not safe in Bon Temps anymore. Bill tells her she will have her own quarters and will be safe all day and all of her needs will be taken care of at night. Bill proudly takes Jess on a tour of her new home, telling her that the columns and brick were moved to New Orleans from the original headquarters in Byzantium. He then gives Jessica a copy of the Vampyr Bible and asks her to read it with an open mind. According to Bill, there was a copy of the Vampyr Bible in the house in Bon Temps. Before Bill had dismissed it, but now it has changed his life. Jessica says this sounds an awful lot like Bible Study and Bill agrees that it is, but with the right Bible.

Eric and Nora enter the council room to announce that Eric has seen the light and is now a Lilith worshipper. Eric then thanks Russell for sparing him and says he forgives him for his parents and they are all now born anew and are one in her blood. He kisses Russell's ring but it is easy to see that Russell if not really buying it as he has been there with Eric before. He hisses that Eric is getting the better end of this deal.

The vampires are now sitting around the table in The Authority Council Room, having another of their endless boring meeting where they pontificate and use laptops. Nora says that she has ordered translations of the Vampyr Bible into 70 different languages and that it should be required reading for all new vampires. Eric innocently asks shouldn't all old vampires be required to read it also? (This is reminiscent of the subtle dig when Russell asked Eric to say Grace.) Russell derisively says he cannot believe they are sitting around discussing education reform and are they vampires or school marms. Russell then reveals his big plan to walk in the sun saying the legend about the blood of the fey allowing vampires to walk in the sun is true and that both Eric and Bill have experienced it by drinking the blood of a half fey. Eric says yes, but it is only for a few minutes and then you fry. Russell replies that the Wright Brothers only flew a few minutes the first time and they need to harvest this half fae's blood and study it and perhaps capture another fey as there are bound to be more. If they can develop True Blood, they can develop a blood that will allow them to walk in the sun. Bill and Eric look utterly appalled and frightened. But then Salome and the other Chancellors pooh pooh this idea because as Salome says, fairies are an abomination and vampires are creatures of the night and should not be out during the day. Russell has a hissy fit, throwing Salome to the ceiling and telling everyone else that he has had it with their sanctimonious religion and that he is 3000 years old and can kill them all and he will not let their small mindedness keep him from the sun. He cries, "I am 3.000 years old! I am stronger than all of you combined. How long did you think I would be your lapdog? I offered you the opportunity to share in the greatest advancement in the history of our race. And the small-mindedness of your religion has literally kept you in the dark! You can have your Lilith. I will not be constrained by your god or anyone else’s. I will have the sun." It's Trojan horse time baby.

Fangtasia with Elijah, Pam, Tara and Ginger:

Elijah is sitting in Eric's office with his feet on the desk counting the night's take. He complains that there is only $600 which he divides evenly between Pam, Tara and himself. Pam explains that business if off because they have nothing to offer vampire customers (due to the True Blood shortage) and humans are certainly not interested in partying at Fangtasia now that they know they are vampires only source for food. Elijah suggests that they install a peep show where vamps pay for 30 seconds of time sucking on a human and supposedly another bar that has done so has brought in 2000 dollars an hour. As Elijah/sociopath leaves, he tell Pam and Tara that they are directed to create 30 new vampires this year or Pam will lose her bar and her progeny.

Pam and Tara talk. Tara says that she cannot procreate as she was just turned and has no idea what she is going. Pam says that they should procreate because they want to, not because of some mandate. So what will they do? Pam is willing to give up Fangtasia and tells Tara that they will live on the wind like she and Eric used to do (at least she is planning on taking Tara with her).

Later, Elijah rushes into Fangtasia and is greeted by an hysterical Tara who tells him that she needs his help. She tried to turn Ginger and she thinks she killed her. Tara hysterically says that "I don't know nothing about birthing any baby vamps," an hysterical Gone with the Wind quote. Elijah approaches Ginger who is lying unconscious on a table in Eric's office and contemptuously replies that she has a pulse. Tara cries, "But is she breathing?" Elijah bends over to check and Ginger stabs him with a knife. Elijah is looking in horror at the knife as Tara beheads him with Eric's sword. Pam enters with a "You are f*cking kidding me." To which Tara replies that, "We are not running. No one f*cks with us in our house." Would Miss Tara please take her victory lap around the ring because that was awesome.

Sam and Luna, Steve and Emma:

We are at Merlotte's and Sam is on the phone calling the AVL saying he is from Dog Monthly and would like a photo op with the Reverend Steve Newlin and his new dog. He is unsuccessful. A very distraught Luna enters his office. She has been unsuccessful in getting any help from TV stations or the police. Luna threatens to go public with everything about werewolves and shifters. Sam tells her she will only get herself locked up, but there is something he wants to show her on the TV, but she has to remain calm. Luna watches the announcement of Newlin's planned appearance in New Orleans in five hours. And Sam and Luna are off to use his frequent flyer miles.

Reverend Newlin and Lafayette's old customer Representative David Finch are debating on television as Rosalyn supervises. Finch remarks that Newlin is positively rosy for someone who has supposedly not eaten. (Hmm, I wonder if there is a photo out there somewhere?) Newlin replies that he has a supply of True Blood and has been rationing. Finch sneers. While this stimulating debate is taking place, we see two white mice scurrying about. They enter Newlin's dressing room and it is Sam and Luna, but unfortunately there is no Emma Pup waiting for Steve. But find Sam does find Emma's photo on Newlin's Iphone. Newlin returns to the now "empty" dressing room with his chaperone Rosalyn who asks if he needs anything to which Steve replies, "Only my briefcase." So he leaves with his case which we now assume contains two mice.

Steve returns to The Authority and speaks with the pretty receptionist. He asks how is his puppy and the receptionist tells him there is a problem. She then brings in Emma who has shifted to human and is wearing one of Steve's shirts. Steve sternly lectures Emma about how Daddy does not like it when she is human and does she want Nigel to eat her? Emma cries that she wants her mother and Steve replies that her mother does not want her. Emma cries and runs back to her room as Steve and two white mice chase after her. One quick note: the pretty receptionist looked really worried about little Emma. I hope this bodes well.

Andy and Holly:

There is a sweet scene at an empty Merlotte's (no one seems to want to risk going out at night). Andy has arrived to drive Holly home but Lafayette has prepared a scrumptious meal for them. Holly and Andy are very sweet and talk about their future together once this vampire problem is over. I assume this "sweet" scene is in the show to contrast with what is just about to happen when Andy and Holly confront his pending fairy fatherhood.


So why is Nora not on my list of stakable vamps? It's because I think she hit a turning point when she saw Lilith kill Godric while she screamed in pain. Maybe before, all the slaughter was simply abstract to her. But Godric was personal. And there is just something about how Eric and Nora walked into The Authority room after Eric supposedly converted that made me believe she was now on his side.
And, of course, I do not believe for a moment that Eric has converted. Godric told him to fight and he is back to being Season III Eric, the one who was always planning the long move. And welcome back.

As for Bill, what a horrid, vain, easily manipulated fool he has turned out to be. I felt ao sorry for Jess when she arrived at The Authority and found out that her maker had signed on with the Manson gang. The look on Jessica's face when Russell was talking about Sookie was painful to watch. The writers have done a magnificent job of making everyone hate Bill. He has become the Antichrist.

You can say it's not Bill's fault, that he was drugged but so was everyone else in the room. And several of the first imbibers (as opposed to Nora and Salome) seem to have immediately figured out that it was malarkey - Eric, Russell and Steve Newlin. Perhaps Bill was more susceptible to the effects of whatever is in the vial (Salome anyone?) because he is the youngest vampire in the room, but Steve Newlin is even younger and he seems to only be turned on by all the fresh blood. It's hard to make excuses for Judas Iscariot.

Quick question?

How is Sookie a Stackhouse family fae bearing female heir? She is an heir and half fae, true, but fae bearing? This fae bearing business seems like a pretty randomly inherited trait, so Sookie might have normal human children and one of Jason's children could be fae. Just look at Hadley. And here is the AHA moment. The first fae bearing female heir is not Sookie, it is Hadley. She is the first direct heir to give birth to a half fae if what Claude said about previous Stackhouse generations is actually true. It cannot be Sookie's mother, because she married into the family and is not a direct Stackhouse descendent like her husband. So Hadley it is if we are to actually believe what we were just told. Hmm!

P. S. I still think The Authority vampires are very foolish to trust their daytime safety to human guards now that The Authority has converted to being Sanguinistas. It is one thing to work for vampires when they were supposedly "mainstreaming." But now? Wouldn't you be afraid you might on on the menu some night? Filet of guarde anyone?

So over and out and see you next week.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.


True Blood
Season V, Episode 9
Everybody Wants to Rule the World


We are near the end of the Season and two of the minor story lines are finished: "Fun with Ifrits" and "The Scary Obamas." Let's take a moment and praise Lilith for small blessings.

So now is the time for all the characters to shower up (some of them spent time in a pig pen) and sign on to take down The Authority and that crazy b*tch Salome.

Here is what happened this week:

The Sadists Plus Eric and Molly at The Authority:

The episode opens to a flat screening TV, showing a news story about a bombed True Blood factory in Houston, Texas. The camera pans back and we are in The Authority council room and it must be Thanksgiving The vamps have gathered around the table preparing to feast on a naked man who is gagged and chained to the table. The poor man whimpers piteously. Russell suggests that they say grace and sarcastically asks Northman to preside. Eric replies that he is new to religion and perhaps someone else would like to do the honors. Newlin pipes in that he knows a childhood grace, "There once was a cock and a hen. Who gave lunch to a goose in a pen. 'Good Lord,' said the goose, 'Bless this food for our use and us to thy service, Amen." Russell is utterly charmed with Steve's ditty. Salome is not; she gets that pinched schoolmarm look on her face and says a "proper" grace - in Aramaic no less. The vampires then proceed to eat the poor man as he screams.

We cut to Molly who is trying to exit The Authority. She puts her finger in the blood scanner, but her permission level is not high enough to get out. She gets no help from the receptionist, either. Molly then goes into the control room where Eric accosts her and tells her to put her baby fangs up before she pisses him off.

Molly looks at Eric and says, "Please tell me you have a plan to get out of here."

Eric replies, "Uh, you were it."

Molly tells Eric that they can't get out because the lock down system is DNA specific and she only has a Level 3 permission and it takes a Level 1 to get out.
Eric replies, “I don’t speak techie.Translate.”

Molly does, "We are totally f*cking f*cked.”

Molly then tells Eric that there is one way to get out, but it is incredibly dangerous and bound to fail. Eric points out that they have no options so he is all ears.

Eric and Bill have a quick conference in what looks like Salome's bedroom. But wherever they are, Eric believes there are no cameras and I hope he is right. Eric makes fun of Bill's plan to bomb the factories, saying won't a civil war be fun? Bill says he is totally lost and does not know who to trust and what if God is a vampire? After all, they saw her. Eric says they were high and they need to stay away from that blood. He then asks Bill, "How about Sookie? Is she just food?" Bill does not reply, but Eric thinks he can tell by the look on his face that Bill still cares for Sookie. Eric then declares that Bill is more of a mainstreamer than he will ever be, which is a big mistake on Eric's part. Eric gives Bill a vial and tells him to get some of Salome's blood and meet him just before dawn.

Nora is hanging around in the vampire holy of holies - again. Eric asks her how she became so religious after all those years of being so ambitious. Nora says that she was working her way up at the Authority with the idea of someday replacing Roman, but then she found Lilith. Eric asks how that happened and Nora tells him that Salome and she took sips of the "sacred" blood during the day when Roman was asleep. (AHA! Just as I suspected - at least one of the twins is a blood head.) Eric says that believing in Lilith requires total surrender and surrender is not something he is good at. Nora affectionately says he has always been such a Viking. They are very sweet together; they kiss and hold hands and walk out of the sanctuary.

Bill is in bed and Salome is dancing behind her sheer curtains, entertaining him while wearing only a red sarong tied around her waist. She comes to the bed and tells Bill that Lilith wants him to be her Adam and together they will create a new world. Bill demonstrates his bedroom technique by doing the only thing he knows how to do - go straight to business. They are riding the wild pony when Bill hallucinates that it is Sookie. He bites the Sook and drinks her blood, quite a lot of it actually and very brutally. But then Sookie turns into Lilith and then back into Salome. The bed is soaked in blood. Obviously Salome's blood is as toxic as the blood in the vial. Or could it be that the blood in the vial is and has always been Salome's?

Eric leads Nora into Molly's work room where he quickly puts his hand over her mouth. Molly tosses him a a tranquilizer needle which he sticks in Nora's neck. He picks up Nora and they are about to leave when he says they need to wait for Bill. Molly says there is no time, but just then Bill arrives but not so he can escape with them. Bill as brought Salome and the guards who arrest Eric and Molly. Eric says Bill is a traitor and Bill replied that, "I am doing this for you. We have been chosen by Lilith."

It is now official. Everyone who watches True Blood hates Bill Compton.

Jason, Jessica, Andy, Joe Bob, Kenya, Sam and Luna:

Jessica is being interrogated by Kenya who is saying comforting things about how Hoyt kidnapped her and put a gun to her head. Jessica insists that Hoyt is not an Obama and that he is only in this mess because he is still in love with her. Kenya is not impressed. Jason arrives and incredulously asks Kenya if Hoyt is an Obama and Jessica frustratedly cries, "No." Kenya then gives Jason a litany of Hoyt's bad behavior and Jessica says that at least Hoyt did not shoot her in the head, an obvious dig at Jason that completely flies over his head.

We see an unconscious Hoyt being dragged into a pig farm. We know it is a pig farm because we can hear the squeals. (There is just something about True Blood and large pigs.)

Jason asks Jessica if she can "feel" Hoyt (Hoyt has had Jessica's blood) and she says she did, but then he went blank. Jessica is horribly upset and tells Jason that if something happens to Hoyt, it is because of her.

Sam and Luna are at Sam's arguing about whether or not Luna should go back to the hospital or if not, stay at Sam's and rest. Sam wants to call someone to take care of Luna while he goes to the police station to help the local yokel cops solve the case. Luna is having none of this invalid cr*p, and tells Sam he is "f*king annoying and sexist." Sam says he is just trying to protect someone he loves, to which Luna sarcastically (but with a note of truth) replies that she loves him too. Aw those kids.

Back at the police station, two of Bill's guards have arrived to pick up Jessica. Jason tells the guards to watch her all the time, even when she goes to take a dump. Jessica reminds Jason that she does not need to take a dump. Jason replies that even though this non-dump-taking is an advantage, she is at a real disadvantage during the day because she can fry in the sun, so she needs to stay at home with the guards until the police can take care of the Obama's. He promises Jessica that he will find Hoyt, telling her that is what he was trained to do. I am really glad we cleared up the the dump taking business.

Kevin, who strangely enough appears to have computer skills, is looking at what I guess we are supposed to think is Joe Bob's laptop. It seems that Joe Bob has made 500 visits to a website called, "Keep America Human." The website has a video of a bunch of Obama masked people dancing around a cross where a vampire has obviously just met the sun. There is some mention of a Dragon and Andy remarks that the last Ku Klux Klan Dragon was "so and so" and Jason says that "so and so" drowned in his bathtub twenty years ago so who is this new Dragon?

Jason then proceeds to demonstrate the professional training he mentioned to Jessica by beating the hell out of Joe Bob, to get him to tell just who is the Dragon and just where is Hoyt? Andy holds back from the beating and admonishes Jason a bit, but then joins in kicking the hell out of Joe Bob. But hey, no one cares except Joe Bob's stunt double.

We are still at the police station and a dumb blonde reporter has stuck her mike in Andy's face and is asking if it is true that President Obama has been in Bon Temp, killing and kidnapping supernatural's. Andy replies that, “No, the President of the United States is not actually in Renard Parish right now, shooting and kidnapping victims!

Sam and Luna arrived at the Sheriff's department and they want to help again, but after conducting his last police investigation hauling along two Sam's (one of whom was really whiny and walked funny), he just wants them to go home. They tell Andy that they went back to the basement where they were holding Jessica and they smelled pigs, to be specific, pig sh*t. But even this bit of investigative reporting does not change Andy's mind. He still tells Sam and Luna to go home. They don't. They shift into flies instead.

Andy is talking to Jason and felling remorse about how they kicked the beejeezus out of Joe Bob. He says that he is the worse Sheriff this town has ever had. He is so remorseful, he does not notice that his police station is infested with flies. But then Andy and Jason get a break. They look at the hater website some more and recognize Bud's boots in the "website video Obama dance" and conclude that Bud Dearborn is the Dragon.

They immediately go to Bud's house with sirens blazing and find no one. Jason sees a photo of Bud's wife on a shelf - she was Jason's sixth grade teacher. He remembers that the Dearborn's had a pig farm down the road. So off they go again, heading to the pig farm, where their story intersects with the Sookie etc. recap below.

Sookie, Lafayette, Bud, Sweetie, Sam and Andy:

After last week's episode's scare with Mr. Zorro Vamp Ectoplasm, Sookie has called Lafayette and asked him to come over and help investigate the supernatural infestation in her bathroom. Laffy is now investigating the ectoplasmic disturbance, but getting nowhere. Instead, Laffy primps in Sookie's bathroom mirror and tells her that all he sees is his own fabulous self and whereas he is not Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, he is hotter. Lafayette then gives up on this spiritual stuff, but he tells her she still owes him the $100 and she tells him to put it on her tab. Good luck with that Laffy.

Laffy and Sookie are now in her bedroom, talking while sitting on her bed which used to be Gran's bed. Sookie asks Laffy if he has heard from Tara and he says he has - once. He did receive an answer to one of his multiple texts and it was, "Bitch, stop texting me or I will eat you." Sookie mouths a platitude about how Tara will get over it, but at least she is alive. So much for that.

Suddenly Layette does hear voices from the beyond - a lot of voices - and one of them is Mrs. Stackhouse. He tries to quiet the other voices saying, "I ain't Gmail for dead b*tches." Gran tells Lafayette to tell Sookie that she is glad that the strip tease fairies are looking after her (I am too) and that Sookie is sleeping on the answer to her question about who killed her parents. Sookie is perplexed, but then she pulls a pretty pink box out from under the bed.

Sookie and Lafayette look through the box of Gran's memorabilia. Sookie finds Jason's sixth grade report card. He got a B and Gran was so proud of that B that she crocheted a frame for it. It also seems that Bud Dearborn's wife was Jason's sixth grade teacher. Sookie says that Jason just coasted through school because he was every teacher's favorite. She then finds a news clipping that says that Deputy Bud Dearborn found her parents bodies. Sookie concludes that maybe that was what Gran was trying to tell her - that Bud Dearborn knows something.

Sookie is now at Bud's house. Bud is playing host and he has just brought her a ginger ale. She asks how he is and he says his cancer is in remission. She asks him about her parents and if there was anything unusual about their bodies. He tells her that yes there was and it looks like it was a vampire. At the time they did not know about vampires, so they assumed a gator bit them. Sookie grimaces at that news. Bud tells her that she must feel terrible since she has befriended vampires and vampires killed her parents and her grandmother. Sookie reminds Bud that Rene Lanier or Drew Marshal or whomever he was killed her parents. And Bud reminds Sookie that Rene targeted her grandmother because Sookie associated with vampires. Sookie is not amused.

Sookie "accidentally" spills (tosses) her drink on Bud and uses that as an excuse to touch him and listens to his thoughts. She hears that he is hiding something, but that he knows nothing more about the vampire who killed her parents but he really wants her to drink her ginger ale. Bud's new "hottie," Sweetie, sneaks up from behind and hits Sookie over the head with a frying pan.

Sookie wakes up. She is at a pig farm and her hands and feet are tied. She see Hoyt tied up in another pen and tries to talk to him, but gets no response. She then reads Hoyt's mind and realizes that he is unconscious and high as a kite, making her wonder what they gave him. She tries to use her light to get loose from the ropes, but her hands are tied in the wrong position.

The Obama's and Bud enter the pen. Bud tells Sookie that when he was Sheriff he had a stack of unsolved cases and they were all unsolved because the crimes were committed by supernatural's. Bud's new flame, a very large Sweetie Des Arts of book fame, enters the barn dressed in a short red kimono with a dragon appliquéd on the back. She is also wearing a pair of pink fluffy bedroom slippers to visit a pig pen. Sweetie is utterly bizarre.

Sweetie spills her venom about how World War IV will be humans against supernatural's and they will be famous for what they have done. Sookie remarks that Sweetie does not look like a Sweetie and then Sookie reads her mind and sees Sweetie dressed in a bedazzled square dance costume crying her eyes out because her beau left her for a shifter. Sweetie realizes that Sookie read her mind and she is furious. Sweetie says people like Sookie will be aborted or shot on sight. She then makes Bud force the ginger ale down Sookie. Bud tells Sookie that it is just laced with his left over Oxycotin.

Sookie is now unconscious and one of the Obama's is videotaping. Another Obama asks why they don't just shoot Hoyt and Sookie and Sweetie tells them that they are going to ritualistically feed them to the pigs as a political statement and film it. They let the pigs into the pen where Hoyt is lying unconscious and one of them picks up Sookie and tosses her into the same pen, but she is caught mid air by Sam who obviously has just been one of the pigs. A fight ensues with naked Sam, Bud Dearborn and the Obama's. It's a great fight and Sam kicks a**. The haters might be getting the upper hand, but just then the Bon Temps Sheriff department arrives in all their glory. Bud, however, is not ready to throw in the towel or should I say, the mask? He yells "Humans Rule" and attempts to attack Sam with a shovel and Andy shoots him.

Jason see Sookie and he is totally shocked that she is there. She druggedly tells him that Hoyt is there too. Jason runs to Hoyt who is in really bad shape. Jason is beside himself, seeing the man who was always his best friend, at death's door.

Luna, who must have flown to the pig farm with Sam, is now a vicious dog chasing Sweetie across the field. She catches Sweetie, shifts back into her human (and naked) form and proceeds to beat the sh*t out of Sweetie, hitting her for shooting her, again for shooting Sam and then socking her for shooting at Emma. It wasn't enough.

Afterwards, Andy tells Sookie he will give her a ride home (we don't know how Sookie got to Bud's with her car all banged up). Sam walks over to Andy. Andy thinks Sam is going to thank him for saving his life so he tells him he needn't bother as they are now "even" in the life saving business. But Sam just wants to tell Andy that he is is not the worse Sheriff Renard parish ever had, as Bud Dearborn has him beat by a mile. Andy looks perplexed because he thought his previous conversation about being a bad Sheriff was just between him in Jason. He obviously was engrossed at the time and did not notice his fly problem (on the wall not his pants). Luna then tells Sam that they need to go get Emma. Ut oh@

I would have loved to see Kenya and Kevin's reaction to seeing naked Sam and Luna smack dab in the middle of their pig farm investigation.

Sookie is now at home, lying on the couch, watching a news report on television about the bombing of a True Blood factory in Kuwait (Kuwait? Really? There are "out" vampires in Kuwait?). When suddenly who should appear but her new fairy friends/cousins Claude, Claudette and I think Claudegina. They just walked into her house without knocking, just like they live there. Claude did bring Sook some soup so maybe it's okay? The fairy-friends-and-family tell Sook not to believe a word she is hearing on TV and that vampires are behind the bombings because vampires want to take over the world.

Terry, Arlene, Patrick, Safira and The Ifrit:

Terry and Arlene are at Terry's grandmother's house having a fight about Terry wanting to fight Patrick until one of them dies. He says that is what Patrick deserves - a fair fight. Arlene is understandably upset and reminds him about what she, Mikey, and her children deserve. She tells Terry that Patrick is a terrible person (I agree). Terry states that survival brings out the ugly in all of us.

The next morning, Arlene pulls up to Merlotte's to open the restaurant for breakfast. Patrick grabs her and puts a gun to her head and tells her to call Lafayette and tell him that the restaurant is closed for the day.

Terry has obviously received a call from Patrick and he goes to Merlotte's to rescue Arlene. He tells Patrick he is willing to give him a fair fight, but Patrick isn't interested, he just wants to kill Terry so he can go home to his pregnant wife. He makes Terry kneel and is about to kill him when Arlene stabs Patrick in the neck with a fork. Terry and Patrick fight on the floor until Arlene picks up the gun Patrick dropped, points it to Patrick's head and tells him she will kill him if he moves. The next thing we see is that Terry has the drop on Patrick. Patrick tells Terry that Arlene got an artery when she stabbed him and either he should shoot him or take him to a hospital, but he needs to make the right choice. Suddenly Safira appears and it seems that she has some advice about just what that right choice should be. Terry takes her advice and kills Patrick. Wow! Safira declares that, "Blood has been paid with blood." Safira then calls on the Ifrit to take care of the body disposal problem. The Ifrit swoops in and burns up the body and then they are all gone - Safira, Patrick and the Ifrit, leaving behind only a pool of blood. You know, between Merlotte's and Sookie's kitchen, Bon Temps is one dangerous place to visit.

Pam, Tara and Elijah:

Pam is in the storeroom watching a TV news show about the bombing of the True Blood factories. Tara comes in carrying about five boxes full of True Blood (vampire strength comes in handy). Pam asks her what she is doing and she says that because of the bombing, there will be a shortage, so she is hoarding their supply. Pam tells her that if they quit serving True Blood, their vampire customers will eat their human customers and they will be out of business. She then has a really cute line about politics. “There are two things I try to stay away from: humans who eat too much fish and politics.” So according to Pam, it will be, "Heads up, t*ts out and True Blood flowing," As Tara is leaving the office to take the True Blood back to the bar, she pauses and tells Pam that she can tell she is worried about Eric. This attempted sympathy does not please Pam who tells her that just because they shared a human (wonder what happened to Tracy the blood slave?), they are not Gayle and Oprah. To which Tara replies, “Suck me, Vampire Barbie!” Hey, they are working on it.

Later that evening, Pam sees an ugly a** vamp sitting on Eric's throne, drinking form a human. She tells him that feeding is not allowed in Fangtasia and that he better get off Eric's throne or she will nail him to it. The horrid vamp says that the Monarch's have lifted the ban on public feeding and he, Elijah, is the new Sheriff in town and he throws Pam across the room. Tara rushes to her to aid and they both stare at Elijah and so do we. I really think it was either Marilyn Manson's drag queen brother or his drag king sister.

Alcide, really?

Alcide is driving his truck and remembering his pack induction. He is fourteen and he and a very young pretty Debbie are standing in the woods with a group of other young werewolves, a dead bear and his father. It seems Alcide's father is Pack Master and Dad makes a pretty speech about how humans only care for themselves, but a pack is loyal to the pack. He asks Alcide to choose and he chooses pack. Debbie looks to Alcide for guidance and she chooses pack. Alcide's Dad then anoints their foreheads with the blood of a bear that they have just killed. This was meant to be sweet and life affirming, but it wasn't.

Alcide arrives at his father's trailer which is stuck out in the middle of a field. Everything on the premises, including Alcide's father looks down-in-the-mouth. Alcide greets his father. Dad has hit hard times (and the bottle) and is now on disability and betting his check on the dog races which he is presently watching on the TV. There is something so intrinsically low class about trailers and dog races, especially in the same sentence. Dad does not want any advice and offers Alcide a beer. Alcide tells his Dad he lost the Pack Master contest and has been abjured. Dad says that make Alcide just like him and Alcide says he will never be like him. Well that is good to know.

The Wolf Pack, JD, Martha, Puppy Emma, Russell and Steve:

Guess who has come calling on Emma's grandma's pack? It's wolf lover Russell Edgington and his new boy toy, Steve Newlin. Russell is telling Steve how he has always liked having wolves around and Steve says that he never had a pet. They go inside the wolf barn and Russell congratulates the new Pack Master and offers his blood. Everyone rushes to partake except Martha who is holding Emma in her pup form. Russell notices that Martha is holding back from the vampire blood ceremony, so he punishes her by stealing Emma and giving her to Steve as a pet. JD tries to stand up for Emma who he says is a member of his pack and Mr. Edgington cannot take her, but Russell almost chokes him to death or maybe he does. Russell and Steve leave with puppy Emma, while Martha and we all wail.


Oh my oh my - Bill! When Bill betrayed Eric AGAIN it wasn't much of a surprise. Since Season I, Bill has tried desperately to reinvent himself every time he is faced with a new situation. Just look at the way Bill acted when Sookie first rescued him - he was slithery and seductive and a perfect fourth to the terrible three of Diane, Liam and Malcolm. When nasty vampire charm did not work on Sookie, he became Southern and charming. Then when he was at Russell's he reverted to being devious, cunning and uncaring about humans (Tara, the stripper). But because he was at Russell's and Russell was into appearances, he covered it with a touch of class. When he became King, he played at being a good King, but in all of his roles, there does not seem to have been a "him," just a hole to be filled by whatever the situation demanded. He is like tofu, he absorbs the flavors of whatever surrounds him. Now he is at the Authority and Salome and her craziness is filling his emptiness and turning him into a crazed Lilith loving maniacal murdering Sanguinista. No surprise, but still sad.

And how about Salome? It is clear now that she is the Season V villain joining notorious Hall of Famers Rene, Marianne, Russell and Marnie. So the season will end when she is taken down.

P. S. We were given a powerful clue this week when Bill bit Salome and went into that crazed trance. Methinks the blood in that vial has never been Lilith's, it's Salome's and it is totally toxic.

Quick prediction:

I wrote last week about how crazy it was for Salome to trust the human guards not to kill her while she is "in the ground" since these guards are the kind of men who would procure half a dozen humans plus a baby so the vampires could feast. And supposedly the guards are so degenerate they were fine with that task.

But now I am wondering again about those human guards. Originally, they signed on to work for Roman and Roman was a mainstreamer. Yes, the guards are immoral - they gooified the "rescue vamps" at the shipyard without blinking - but how happy could they be with the present regime and having to listen to constant screams as their fellow humans are being eaten alive? Would it be unreasonable for them to worry that perhaps some night, there might be a shortage of humans in the pens and one of them will end up as dinner? Or that there might be real human world consequences for them from the slaughter of the wedding party to which they must have become accomplices (who cleaned it up?). And maybe that is how Eric and Molly get out of The Authority. It is not implausible that some of the guards like Molly (we do) and I am pretty sure Molly would take Eric with her, if for no other reason then she is small, young and weak and Eric is big, old and strong. And they both know how to recognize a crazy bitch when they see one.

So over and out and see you next week.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.


True Blood
Season V, Episode 8
Somebody I Used to Know

Episode 8 was directed by Stephen Moyer and he did a smashing good job. He has a great visual eye and created some really fun scenes, especially the vampire "after-glow" and the Easter candy fairy walk to the bridge. And he filmed Alcide and Terri's exhibition quality sex scene.

So here is a look at what happened this week:

Sookie, Jason and a bevy of fairies:

Sookie is flashing away and still a hazard for Shreveport air traffic, when Jason arrives. Sook accidentally flashes Jason, knocking him to the ground. But not to worry; all is well since as Jason reassures Sookie, "You only got my head.

Jason then talks Sookie out of her misguided attempt to empty her fairy tank, even though Sookie tells him how tired she is of being different - having the responsibility for her parents death and also overhearing things like coroner Mike Spencer wanting to suck her toes. Jason tells her that her specialness came from their parents (I'm not too sure about that) and she is part of her parents. And without her specialness she never would have fallen in love with Bill (all fandom groans). To which Sookie replies, "Yea, big loss there." (Fandom applauds.) And Jason replies "But you loved him, you have your ups and downs, but you loved him. Some people never have that." (Fandom groans again.) But more importantly, Sookie has special gifts that can help them find out what happened to their parents.

Sookie and Jason visit Claude and Company at Hot Wings, saying they want to know which vampire killed their parents. Claude is at first unwilling to help them because as he says, "When we came to this plane, we promised to stay out of these affairs (meaning vampires' affairs)." But then cute little Claudette pipes in and says she know something that might help. First Claude tries to hush "the Dette" but then agrees. (I wonder if they rehearse these little manipulations beforehand or just improv.) Claude tells Jason and Sookie to meet them at the bridge at noon and perhaps there is something they can do.

The next day, we see them in a field near the bridge. Claude is holding Sookie's hand and leading her. Claudia and Claudette make up the rear with Jason in the middle. The two fairies are also holding Jason's hands; the entire group paid attention in kindergarten. Everyone looks very pretty.

When they arrive under the bridge, there are a few more fairies waiting for them. They all hold hands and send their energy to Sookie who goes back in time and inhabits her mother. She says she smells her mother's perfume and then the vampire attacks and Sookie inhabits the vampire and talks about how good the band aid smells. Sookie then passes out.

Sookie is now at home with Claude and Jason. Claude is freaking out because Sookie psychically connected with a vampire and that seems to be a big "No, no." Jason is furious because as he says, his sister went through a horrible experience and they are no closer to knowing who killed their parents. Claude points out that obviously Claudine recognized Zorro Vamp but they will never know who it was because Claudine is dead. Sookie remembers that Claudine said, "Leave the girl alone, Warlow or Wardo." Sookie perfectly imitates Claudine's voice and it is very funny.

Later, Sookie is in her bathroom having just taken a shower (she is wearing her bathrobe) when Zorro Vamp suddenly appears in ectoplasm form and bellows that she is his. To which all fandom replies, "Get in line, buddy."

P. S. Strangely enough, Sookie does not look that afraid when Zorro Vamp Ectoplasm and all his bad manners invaded her bathroom. Surprised, scared but not terrified. Nor did she look afraid when she psychically bonded with Zorro Vamp during the fairy ring séance when he was supposedly planning to eat her. She actually looked like she was getting off on the scent of her own blood. Very odd indeed.

The Authority with Eric and Bill and the sadists:

The fun loving vampires spill out of the elevator in slow motion. They are still flying high except for Eric who holds back with a perplexed look on his face. Eric asks Bill what happened and Bill replies that they saw God. This scene totally reminded me of what Queen Sophie said in Season II, "Along comes this religion which encourages you to get hammered, run naked through the woods, have sex with whoever - whatever - and it’s all part of getting closer to God.”

The fun kids are reminiscing about their amazing experience saying things like, "We witnessed a miracle." Russell comments about what a great rack Lilith had which was a bit strange considering his proclivities, but there is something about gay men and boobs. Rosalyn says she was never a believer before, but now she is. Russell is thrilled that he was able to eat the bride. Cute little Nigel rejoices that for the first time in six years he was able to eat a child.

Nora declares that what happened tonight shows they are on the right path and Roman's death was justified. Salome agrees that they can move forward with a clear conscience and then she says they need food and asks Steve Newlin to tell the guards to find a couple dozen humans and put them in the holding cells and by the way, bring a baby for Nigel since Nigel said that Lilith wants him to have a baby. Steve happily runs off to comply.

Eric and the viewers are totally disgusted. Eric says he has had enough fun for one night and asks Bill if he is leaving. But Bill has been given an opportunity to hang with the cool kids, and he is not about to leave. Eric is now very alone. The only sane man (well vampire) in a blood stained loony bin.

Later Eric meets with Nora in the inner sanctum. Nora runs into his arms and hugs him. Eric tells her that he has loved her for over 600 years and that all of this (Eric gestures around the room ) has clouded your mind. None of this exists; Lilith does not exists and Salome chose this path for you. Nora replies with the party litany that they have just seen Lilith and Eric replies that he too saw something, but he also saw Godric and Godric was sickened by what they did. He then tells Nora that, "Six hundred years ago, on the night Godric turned you, I swore to him that I would always protect you." Nora mouths some platitudes about Godric, but then she said Godric lost his way and became a perversion, a blaspheme and a weak disgusting apologist that Lilith would happily stake. She then says,"F*ck Godric." Eric becomes very angry and pushes Nora down on a pedestal, but then he lets her up with an incredibly sad look on his face. Nora leaves with, "Lilith will show you the way." Methinks that Salome and Nora have been sneaking sips of Lili-blood for a while now and are totally bonked-out bloodheads. Eric is truly alone.

Salome invites Bill to her bedroom where she has a young mother handcuffed to her bed. She offers said mother to Bill as a midnight snack. The women pleads for her life, saying she has a four month old baby. Bill first refuses, saying that he had children and he cannot do this and he will not be bullied. Salome tells him that it is blasphemous to refuse God's gift and that if he really loved his children, why did he not make them vampire? Bill has a flashback to when his daughter was dying of cancer. He visited her and she begged him to turn her, but he refused. He suddenly realized that being a vampire is the right thing (really Bill, you just realized that now?), and he should have turned his daughter so he bites the screaming woman whom I am pretty sure he is going not to turn but simply murder. And I hope her four month old baby is not in the holding cell downstairs, but I am afraid he or she is.

The vampires have had their fun, so now it is back to what they do best - hold committee meetings. Getting rid of Roman has seemingly not rid them of their obligation to be bored. All are present except cute little Molly and we are still wondering where she is and if she is okay. Salome starts the meeting saying that they have proof they are on the right path and they need to stamp out the mainstreamers. Russell and Steve (who are too selfish to let themselves be bored to true death) are busy flirting, talking about taking a trip to Hong Kong with Steve remarking that loves Kung Pao chicken (Um, not anymore, Steve). Salome me reminds Russell that they have important business to attend to. Russell reassures her that he is "All ears, sugar lumps." Salome is not pleased to be called sugar lumps. Kwebe suggests assassination squads to stake mainstreamers, but Bill has a better idea. Why not bomb all the True Blood factories? There are only five of them and if they dry up the source of True Blood, all vampires will be forced to feed on humans like they were meant to do. Salome is utterly delighted with this brilliant idea. Eric is obviously appalled and asks Bill what he is doing, to which Bill replies - evolving.

Sam, Luna/Sam, Andy, Kevin, Jessica and Hoyt:

We are at the hospital. Andy has just arrested Joe Bob. Sam talks to Luna who is freaking out that she is expected to stay in her hospital bed and rest when there is a gang out there trying to kill shifters and one of them just came to the hospital to kill her. Sam assures her that he is on it and convinces her to stay at the hospital while he goes down to the police station to take care of business. Luna agrees, but as soon as Sam leaves (Kevin is sitting outside her room as a guard) she falls into a rage, gets up, looks at herself in the mirror and turns into Sam. Yes another Sam. That's what skinwalker Luna does - she becomes Sam - an hysterical effeminate Sam filled with Luna's turbulent emotions, but still Sam.

Sam/Luna immediately leaves her hospital room, flashing poor Kevin with the open back of her gown (it was Sam's butt so there was nothing in it for Kevin or maybe not), steals some clothes and hightails it out of there.

Meanwhile at Fangtasia, some random hot looking goth guy picks up Jessica telling her that his blood tastes like a milk shake. Jessica likes this idea and takes his hand to lead him away. Bad move Jessica.

Hoyt's new "friends" take him to a house way out in the country where they say they have a surprise for him. They take him into a room where he sees his present - a silvered Jessica. Hoyt's new "friends" give him a gun with wooden bullets with a silver core and lock him in the room with Jessica saying he can come out when he kills her. When they leave, Jessica piteously asks Hoyt to remove the silver. He first refuses telling her that she broke his heart and she slept with his best friend. He then asks her why she cannot love him? She tells him that she wanted to love him and she prayed for her love to come back, but it never did. Hoyt puts the gun to her head saying "F*ck you Jessica" and we are supposed to believe he shot her.

Andy is interrogating worthless Joe Bob and getting nowhere when Sam volunteers to use some unusual interrogation techniques. Andy mouths something about this not being regulation, but then decides that now is the time to make a pot of coffee. Andy leaves, Sam then takes off his shirt and Joe Bob yells that he is not gay. Sam says he is not either and it turns out that he is actually not turning gay, but into a COBRA.

A few minutes later Sam is telling Andy that he knows where the "hate gang" is and that they have Jessica Hamby when Sam Number 2 (AKA Luna) arrives at the police station making Andy just roll his eyes and totally confusing Kevin.

We are back at the cabin in the woods and gun has just gone off and the only guard left in the cabin opens the door and Jessica kills him. Hoyt says, "Come on," to Jessica, but Jessica cannot leave because it is light outside. Hoyt says his cell does not work out in the country, but he will send help. Jessica thanks him, but his only reply is, "F*ck you Jessica." He leaves on foot.

Andy and Sam I and Sam II arrive at the cabin to find Jessica and the dead "hater." It show how far Andy has come during five seasons of True Blood, that he does not even attempt to make a fuss about finding the dead man. Sam II starts sniffing and asks Jessica if there was a woman here and Jessica says no, only that one man. Sam II aka Luna says she smells a large woman with a bad diet and lots of cigarettes - menthols. Sweetie anyone?

Hoyt is walking home when he hails a truck. He is pleased to recognize a familiar face but not so pleased when said familiar face pulls a gun on him. Would anyone like a Bud?

Later, Sam/Luna is lying on the couch with her head in real Sam's lap. She tells him that she has tried to shift back, but she cannot and she is afraid she will die. She whines a bit and reminds Sam that he called her a psycho, but Sam just laughs it off and tells her how handsome she is. Real Sam moves in to kiss Sam/Luna but Luna shifts back to Luna/Luna and immediately vomits into the waste can which Sam (who must have been a boy scout), had placed next to the couch.

Lafayette, Arlene, Holly, Terry, Patrick and Safira:

Lafayette is driving home from Mexico in an old gold Volvo. (We still don't know what happened to the car Eric gave him.) He pulls a first aid kit out from under the seat. It has Jesus' name on it, so I suppose the gold Volvo is Jesus' car. There is a vial of vampire blood in the kit and Lafayette uses it to heal the stitch wounds on his mouth. He thanks Jesus who then appears sitting in the passenger seat looking straight ahead. They hold hands. It is a sweet surreal moment.

Lafayette arrives home to find Arlene and Holly waiting for him, wanting his help with the Terry situation. They tell Lafayette how Terry thinks he has been cursed and is being chase by a fire monster. They want Lafayette to pretend to remove the curse because as long as Terry believes the curse is gone, he will be okay. But Lafayette has had it and says "I'm about to slip my *ss into this tub and get as high as a mother f*cker. Enjoys your day." Arlene offers $50 and Lafayette settles for $300.

We are now at a séance at the Belleflower home. Holly, Lafayette and Arlene are present when Terry and Patrick come running in. Arlene has obviously phoned Terry and told him that there was a fire. Patrick insists that they blow out the ritualistic candles in the middle of the table. They then sit and hold hands except for Lafayette who has obviously decided to phone in this little exorcism. But Lafayette's la-di-da attitude is to no avail because the candles flare up and the Iraqi woman, Safira, inhabits Lafayette's body long enough to tell him the she is furious and either Terry kills Patrick or Arlene has to kill Terry. Someone has to die. Patrick, figuring he is low man on this totem pole, takes off running.

Fangtasia with Tara, Pam and Tracy from Tracy's Togs:

We are at Fangtasia and Tracy from Tracy's Togs (the shopkeeper Jessica verbally bitch slapped the night she smelled Claude) has come in for a drink. She sits down at the bar and lo and behold, Tara is her bartender. Tara and Tracy apparently attended high school together and Tracy was obviously one of the mean girls then and still is. She starts putting Tara down, at one points calling her uppity and remarking that Tara is now a member of two minorities. Tara becomes very angry, but Pam walks over to apologize to Tracy and tell her that her drink is on the house.

Later Pam tells Tara that they need to step aside for a talk about anger management. Tara tells her she will as soon as she finishes fixing a Margarita for her customer. But Pam points out that the customer really just wants someone else's left over beer. Pam looks into his eyes and it turns out she was right.

Pam has the trash-talking-but-now-gagged Tracy tied to the torture wheel in the basement. Tracy is terrified but it is hard to feel sorry for her since she is both mean and stupid (trash talking a vampire in a vampire bar?). Tara tells Pam that she thought she was mad at her and Pam replies that her mad face and her happy face are the same. Pam glamours Tracy telling her that she is now Tara's blood slave and happy about it. And it turns out that Pam was right again.

Alcide, Ricki, JD and Martha:

Alcide and Ricki are having rambunctious werewolf sex. This was a very hot, but also one of the most aerobic sex scenes ever aired on True Blood. If that's what werewolves like to do in the bedroom, they definitely should stick with their own kind. Any human would need a trainer (and a choreographer) before they could participate.

Alcide is now at the Packmaster contest. JD has kidnapped a track star from the local college and says that Alcide and he will chase and kill him as part of the contest. Alcide refuses to compete under these circumstances. JD calls a forfeit but then decides to chase the college student to death anyway.

Alcide chases after them. Alcide tells the college kid to run home and then he fights JD. JD is hopped up on vampire blood and nearly kills Alcide, but Martha and Terri intervene so Alcide survives to fight another day. This was a little hokey because even though we are supposed to believe that JD has magical strength because he drinks vampire blood, Alcide is half his age and twice his size. But the plot needs JD to be Packmaster so Russell can infiltrate their pack, so Alcide loses this battle.

Notes: Salome has certainly blind folded her vampire tribe and led them out onto the plank. There is no way vampires can survive an all out war with humans. Roman knew this and Bill knew it before he lost his mind.

Vampires are incredibly strong, but in a "rock, paper, scissors" style stackup, wooden bullets trump fangs. The minute vampires came "out of the coffin" they needed the cooperation and friendship of humans - thus the attempted Vampire Rights Amendment. An "out" vampire is incredibly vulnerable because they are helpless during the day and are forced to trust humans to protect them. So even though Salome seems to have triumphed momentarily, all of the odds are stacked against her and her kind. Every day when she goes to ground she is trusting her undead life to a group of guards who think nothing of procuring two dozen humans to be slaughtered. They are obviously a group of very fine gentlemen who should be trusted to protect her undeadness.

And as insane as The Authority vamps appear right now, some of them must realize they can't win so there is bound to be a huge body count at The Authority before this season is over. I predict that Salome, Kwebe, Rosalyn, Nigel and Russell will all meet the true death. Russell will probably kill everyone on that list except himself and then Eric will kill Russell. I hope for Eric's sake that he is able to save his sister, but somehow I doubt it. We have twice seen Nora admonishing Russell and Russell does not take kindly to being admonished. I am only confident that Eric and Bill will walk out of The Authority still undead as they are the stars of the show. And maybe Molly.

True Blood paints "brilliant" shades of gray. Now that we see what is really going on at The Authority, out natural sympathies should be with any vigilante group that tries to take them down. But the only vigilante group in town is made up of those horrid red necks who are attacking people we love like Sam, Luna and Jessica. Hell, those rednecks shot at darling little Emma so they all need to die and quickly.

So I guess it is going to be left to the usual suspects - Sookie, Jason and perhaps Andy, Sam, Luna, Alcide and Lafayette - to help Eric (and maybe Bill) right the world.

So over and out and see you next week.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.


True Blood
Season V, Episode 7
In the Beginning

The Sadists plus Eric at the Authority:

Russell just staked Roman and Surprise! Surprise!! Roman is a pile of goo (red gunk mixed with blue golf shirt). It just took him a while; the man did not explode immediately. But hey, it happens; Season's I Long Shadow took his sweet time to gooify. Russell grabs Eric and I guess we are supposed to think Eric is in danger of the true death too, but then there is chaos as an alarm start to ring and the lights go out (the guards have night vision goggles). Dieter yells something about protocol and everyone falls to the floor except Russell and Bill who missed the mandatory fire drill and Eric who is missing. Salome yells "Don't kill him" but she is not being specific about just who is "him." The guards storm the room and throw a silver net on Russell. The lights come on and Bill looks for Eric only to find him pinned high on a column, but very much alive. Eric quips, "The view from here is spectacular."

The credits roll.

Bill and Eric are back in their cell. They are convinced they were pawns and Nora set them up. Cute little Molly is sitting outside their cell doing research on her Mac, trying to figure out why the Istake did not work (well, duh, Salome disabled it). They ask her if she supports mainstreaming and she says "Of course." I hope Eric will take her with him when he leaves The Authority. Things are about to get really messy and supposedly mainstreaming Molly is a neat gal.

That charming mass murderer Kwebe arrives to tell Bill and Eric that they have been invited to visit with Chancellor Agrippa (Salome). From then on, The Authority nerds do lots and lots of talking. So here goes.

When they arrive in Salome's room, they find Salome and a refreshed pretty Nora who obviously is no longer a prisoner. Eric is furious with Nora for setting them up and when Nora calls him brother, he tells her that she can go "f*ck herself." Then Russell makes a huge entrance, diving through Salome's curtains. Russell is out of his pajamas and fuzzy slippers and nattily attired in a suit. Bill and Eric are severely displeased to see Russell in any form, nice duds or not. Russell says he wants bygones to be bygones and he is willing to overlook Eric killing Talbot. Eric hisses that Russell slaughtered his entire family. Salome says "We are all friends here," to which Bill, who remembers that Russell ordered Lorena to kill him replies, "The f*ck we are." Boy do they have tough vampire fraternity rush in Nola.

Bill asks why they needed to involve them in their plots when if they wanted to take down Roman, they had hundreds of years of opportunities. Salome says that the Vampyr Bible is very specific about how such a thing should be done. And then she says something that surprises no one; she is the one who dug up Russell Edgington as he was the only vampire strong enough to take out Roman. Salome mouths some platitudes about her deep regrets about the demise of Roman to which Bill replies that "You cannot play the grieving widow and take over at the same time."

Eric wants to know how she knew where Russell was buried and Salome replies that, “The night you were ordered to show him to true death, I followed you.” (Hmm, Eric buried him a couple days later, not the night he was given the order so how did she really find out?) Russell declares that he is now a big Lilith fan. Russell is so totally playing those two quasi lipstick-lesbians that he can barely contain his glee.

Salome tries to be a peacemaker and talk Bill and Eric into the worship of Lilith, but it is a hard sale. Salome and Nora ask Eric to join them to which he replies, "Never you Bible banging c*nts." Bill confirms that he thinks that mainstreaming is the only way their species can survive. Nora becomes visibly nervous when Eric refuses to climb on board, but Salome invites them to a ceremoney that will take place the following night and Bill and Eric agree to attend. Nora thanks Salome for her generosity and Salome replies that all thanks go to Lilith. I severely dislike this Lilib*tch and I have yet to see her.

A very sulky Bill and Eric attend the next night's party at the Vampire inner sanctum. All the fun loving vampires are there: Salome, Nora, Kwebe, Dieter, Rosalyn and Steve Newlin. Nora tells the room that Roman always said that they evolved from humans and the blood in the vial was symbolic, but they did not evolve from humans and the blood in the vial is not symbolic at all,"This blood which Salome holds in her hands right now, it is the blood of Lilith. Nothing could be less symbolic. Whatever doubts any of us have will be erased.” Salome then announces that they are all going to drink some of Lilith's blood tonight. Dieter is unconvinced and points out that what they are about to do is blasphemous and Russell replies to that statement by ripping off Dieter's head and then asking Lilith to forgive him. Nora gives Russell a huge smile (she did not like Dieter, who burned her with UV rays the entire time she was a prisoner) and replies that "She (Lilith) does." Rosalyn's looks at Dieter's goo and she's instantly on board with whatever the cool kids with no curfew want to do. Steve Newlin states that, "I'm like a tree in the wind, I'm just so happy to be included." Bill asks Eric if they are going to participate and Eric says basically why not, it is just vampire blood and they are vampires.

Well so much for the "why not" business because two seconds later the entire crew including the vampire baby eater are on the streets of New Orleans, fanged out and drunk as skunks on Lilith's supposed blood. A cab driver makes the mistake of honking at them and is utterly terrified when the vampires attack his cab. But then it is on to the real fun. Russell crashes a wedding rehearsal party at a karaoke bar. The bride-to-be is singing "You Light Up My Life" to her fiancé while her proud parents watch. Russell joins the singing, totally terrifying the partygoers who recognize him as Russell something or the other. But then the rest of the vampires arrive, attack, and proceed to eat everyone in the room including a six year old boy who is dinner for the baby-eating vampire. While they are in this feeding frenzy, they have a collective vision. A totally naked fanged out woman covered in blood arises from the mist, hissing like a Jurassic Park raptor (no wonder Adam asked God to go back to the drawing board.) Every vampire in the room is entranced except Eric, who looks up from his meal to see ghost Godric admonishing him that Eric knows this is wrong, but his sister does not and that Eric needs to save Nora. Before Eric sees Godric, he also sees the vision of Lilith, but after Godric appears, he is no longer able to see her and he looks utterly stricken by what he has just done.

Sookie, all the Fairies you could want, Jason and Jessica:

Sookie is lying unconscious on a couch in a back room at Hot Wings (I guess that is the name of the fairy club). A pretty blond fairy is lighting up her legs while Claude lights her head. Jason wants to know what is going on. "I've never been to medical school or fairy school or nothing," says Jason, "So if you could put it into words a laid man could understand?"

The fairy replies that they are testing Sookie's luminescence which confuses Jason even more because Sookie is still unconscious and would they please wake her up as he thinks "Her head lit up real good." The pretty blond fairy wakes Sookie up and Sookie is pissed because they zapped her. They try to say they are her friends, but she wants no part of these new friends. Claude tells Sookie that his family has been watching out for her family for hundreds of years. They both tell Sookie that there is a lot more they can tell her and that she can do and Sookie is still unimpressed. But then the pretty blond fairy insists that Sookie answer some questions: she asks her if Sookie has experienced any disturbances in her abilities. Sookie replies that she has been a bit off her game lately (uh, since when?). Pretty blonde fairy and Claude explain that Sookie is dwindling. Since Sookie is only half fairy she needs to be careful about how often she uses her magic or she will use it up. Sookie asks if she would die or better yet, would she be human? Claude replies she would no longer be fae. Sookie seems very interested in this development. It is a good thing they did not have any Brooklyn Bridge deeds lying around in the fairy storeroom or she would have bought those too.

Two comments on the fairy scene: NO ONE asked about the half fairy calculation. Do the math: if Grandpa Stackhouse was only part fae, how did Miss Sookie end up being half? Also, did you see the look on Claude's face when he was supposedly testing Sookie's luminiscence. He looked like he had just discovered something quite astounding, not a leaky fairy tank.

Sookie is at home, waking up at noon (she had a hard night), when Jason brings her a breakfast tray. Sookie is sleeping in her pink bed and she is wearing some wonderful pink flannel pajamas which make her look very pretty and incredibly innocent. If the creators of True Blood wanted to visually contrast Sookie's goodness with the venality of vampires at The Authority, they nailed it.

Jason talks to Sookie about what the fairies told them about their parent's death - how their parents were killed by a vampire who smelled Sookie's blood on a Band-Aid in their car. He tells her that when they used to think that their parent's death was his fault, she never blamed him. (The story was that Jason was so irresponsible, his parents could not count on him to babysit Sookie and had to make a stop to take her to Gran's and thus were on the bridge just as the flood occurred.) And he Jason is not going to let Sookie take on the blame now. They have a sweet brother and sister moment and then Sookie tells Jason that "And yes, you can eat my bacon." So much for her abilities dwindling.

It is now nighttime and across the cemetery at Bill's mansion, Jessica is feeding on the femoral artery of some random man when Jason arrives to tell her how he found out that vampires killed his parents. Jessica is very sympathetic and sits down to talk to him about it. They kiss and he tastes the guy's blood and then they get into a fight about how she is feeding from some man she does not even know to which Jessica replies, "Do you know the name of every cow you have eaten?" To which Jason replies that he has never "F*cked a cow," and Jessica is back with, "It's a metaphor, idiot." The argument heats up more and Jessica bites Jason and Jason fires his gun hitting Jessica in the head (she will heal, she's a vampire). The guards arrive to protect Jessica, but Jessica just tells Jason to leave.

Sookie is at home, remembering all the people who asked or commented on how different she was (her mother, Bill, Marianne and Russell) and all the problems her difference has caused. She walks outside and starts firing her hands in an attempt to deplete her fae reserve.

As Jason is leaving Jessica's, he sees either a Fourth of July celebration or the Northern Lights emanating from Sookie's house. He sets off running.

Sam, Andy and Luna:

We lost Doug, but we still have the wonderful Bon Temp Sheriff's department. Kevin is interrogating Andy about what happened when Sam shot the shifter terrorist. "Just where was Andy looking at that time?" Kevin feels vastly superior when Andy tells him he was obviously looking the other way which Kevin points out is contrary to their training. Meanwhile, Sam is sniffing the store room while a very skeptical Kenya watches. Sam tells her to take down a specific box on the top of one shelf and sure enough, it is filled with Obama masks. Sam then starts rolling around sniffing the floor. "I'm picking up five men, maybe six. I'm smelling bad diets, hate and envy." Kenya asks if there is something Mr. Merlotte needs to tell her to which Sam replies, "No."

Andy goes to Bud's house to ask for help with the shifter killers, but he gets no help or sympathy from Bud who is otherwise engaged. It seems that Bud's wife is off gambling on a riverboat, he is entertaining a hefty lady friend named Sweetie (hint: there was a shifter killer named Sweetie in the books), his hot tub is hot and he has a new male enhancement ointment he wants to try. So what's up with Bud? He certainly is not acting like the Bud we knew.

Sam visits Luna at the hospital where he seems to live these days when he is not sniffing crime scenes. Sookie drops by, bringing magazines and junk food for Luna. Sookie offers to buy Sam a cup of coffee. They drink coffee and a very sad Sookie asks Sam if he had the choice to give away everything that makes him special and just be human, would he? Sam hedges saying that a lot of people would still be alive if her were human, but he is not sure. Even if they were human they would still see all the hate and want to do something about it. Sam leaves it with "We can what if all we like, but in the end we are what we are."

Hoyt and the Rednecks (this is not a new band):

Hoyt is meeting with his new friends, the multi-racial redneck terrorists. These guys are unintentionally funny talking about being in a hate group and saying, "If they were called love groups, no one would want to be in them."

Hoyt has hit rock bottom after having a red neck he knew from middle school (Joe Bob) rescue him from being eaten by a vampire. He declares that he hates Jessica Hamby and that "Right now I feel more love and acceptance in this hate group, than I ever did in church or basketball."

The haters get a phone call telling them that Junior is dead and they are enraged. They mention someone called "The Dragon" but we don't know who that is. (Bud? Bud's new gal Sweetie? The Judge? Maxine?)

They all, including Hoyt, get in the truck to go do more harm. Hoyt asks about Joe Bob and it told he is doing something else. We quickly find out what that "something else" is. Sam is still visiting Luna and the nurse insists that he leave. He reluctantly starts to leave the hospital, but as he is walking out he smells hate on an orderly who turns out to be Joe Bob dressed an orderly. Sam attacks him and says that he killed his friends and Joe Bob replies that Sam killed his friend (Junior). Yeah, but we all know who started it, Joe Bob.

Alcide, Ricci, Martha, Emma and JD:

Alcide is practicing fighting with the hot werewolf chick and quickly becoming aroused. Ricki suggests he take some vampire blood so he can win the fight with JD for Pack Master, but Alcide refuses saying that vampire blood makes were wolves dead inside. Martha arrives to try to talk Alcide out of his challenge. Alcide says that JD is on vampire blood and Martha swears on her son's grave that is not true to which Alcide replies that Marcus does not have a grave because Martha ate him. Martha tells Alcide to "Don't get literal on me Rambo." Then cute little Emma runs into the barn in her wolf form and Martha leaves to find her something to eat.

JD is speaking to the pack, telling them that there is going to be a war between vamps and humans and they need to ally with the vamps and to do so they need drink vampire blood so this vamp he knows (Russell anyone?) will know they can be trusted. He takes a swig form a vial and starts passing the blood around. He offers some to Emma who has come into the room. Martha arrives and grabs Emma and takes her away telling JD that she does not know him anymore. I like Martha, but boy is this an unsafe place for little Emma.

Arlene, Holly, Terry, Patrick and the Ifrit:

Arlene is watching her wedding video in Sam's office at Merlotte's. There are poignant scenes of Terry kissing her pregnant belly, Hoyt and Jessica being happy together and Jason saying how much he wished Sookie was there (the wedding took place while Sookie was in Fairyland). Holly joins her and Arlene says that she had everything and did not even know it, but now Terry is off his meds and crazy. Holly says he just has PTSD. But oh no, Arlene tells her about the smoke monster and doesn't that prove Terry is crazy. Holly says not necessarily (Holly, unlike Arlene, remembers where they live and which show they are on) and Arlene will feel horrible is there actually is a smoke monster and she did not fight for her man. Right now would be a good time to hear from Tammy Wynette.

Terry and Patrick are sitting in a field, freezing in the cold. Patrick tries to crack a joke about how it would be ironic if they froze to death while trying to hide from a fire monster. Terry is not appreciative of Patrick's attempts at irony because he is so sad about how he had to leave a wonderful family. Then the Ifrit arrives and blows huge clouds of smoke, laughs at them and leaves. Terry has had it and grabs Patrick's gun so he can commit suicide, but Patrick talks him down saying that "Suicide is for Muslims" and reminding Terry about Coby, Lisa and Mikey. Patrick apologies and says he wishes he had never given the order to shoot that woman to which Terry replies, "But you did." This is a problem that is not going away and what's up with this Muslim dissing? Both Terry and I are very down on Patrick.


Lafayette arrives in Mexico to find Jesus' head, with its sewn up mouth, sitting on a pop-art blue hand chair in Don Bartolo's living room. Don Bartolo is furious that Lafayette stole Jesus' magic so he attacks Lafayette, ties him up and sews his mouth closed too. Don Bartolo is just about to cut open Lafayette's head so he can feed the blood to his pregnant wife which will (he says) send the magic Lafayette stole from Jesus to Don Bartolo's unborn child. But this is a no go, because said pregnant wife grabs a knife and stabs Don Bartolo about a dozen times. Good for her; that man was loathsome. She then cuts the stitches on Lafayette's mouth and after the camera cuts away, I bet she unties him too.

Tara, Pam and Lettie Mae at Fangtasia

Tara is wearing a skimpy black leather outfit and dancing on a pole when Lettie Mae arrives to spread her usual gloom and doom. Lettie Mae's outfit, however, is wonderfully cheerful. She walks into the vampire bar wearing a flowery spring frock, spectator pumps and white gloves. She asks Tara how she could do this to her, Lettie Mae? To which Tara replies something on the lines of "Doing what to whom?" Lettie Mae then says that Tara is dead to her now because she (Lettie Mae) is a minister's wife and cannot have a vampire daughter. Tara menacingly says that Lettie Mae will be seeing her.

Afterwards, Tara breaks down in front of Pam who says she will forget all about this in a hundred years which I guess was supposed to be comforting. Tara hugs Pam who is quite nonplussed, but does not push her away immediately. Then she does push her away and says it is time for Tara to get back on the pole. Give them time: these two are still working at defining their relationship.


So where are we? Salome and Nora really opened Pandora's box when they invited Russell into The Authority. How could anyone see him kill Roman and Dieter and not worry that they might be next? There is an old theater adage that you don't bring a gun onto the stage without firing it and the Russell gun has a lot more bullets.

The True Blood writers love to create parallel structures. In Season III, Russell brought havoc down on his own head when he invited Bill and Eric into his home and then kidnapped Sookie. They were not nice house guests: Eric killed Talbot, Sookie killed his old friend Lorena and escaped with his prisoner Bill, and Sookie's friend Alcide killed a bunch of Russell's werewolves. Russell certainly got what he deserved, but I am pondering this parallel and wondering if when The Authority kidnaps Sookie (you know they will) if she won't pull a Sookie version of Russell Edgington's Trojan horse and take down The Authority from the inside. She always looks so innocent and helpless, but sh*t just seems to rain when she is around.

The other parallel that comes to mind is Patrick and Terry killing the family in Iraq, vampires killing Eric's human family, vampires killing Sookie's parents and vampires killing an entire family plus their friends at the karaoke bar. For Eric and Sookie's relationship ever to progress, they will need to deal with what happened to her parents. And they will be doing this "dealing" just after Eric participated in the slaughter of a random human family in a manner quite similar to the way his own family was slaughtered. As Dieter said, "This is heady stuff."

P. S. Anyone who believes that Sookie was actually depleting her powers when she almost hit the space station with the light from her little microwave fingers has not been watching the same show. Those devious fairies manipulated Miss Sookie by telling her exactly what she wanted to hear so she would go out and do what all of fandom has been wanting her to do since she first discovered her light - practice and learn how to use her power. If she figures out how to concentrate when she wants to get rid of her light, she will know how to concentrate when she needs to fire her light.

So over and out and see you next week.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.

True Blood
Season V, Episode 6

This was quite the episode so put on your seat belts, we are in for a ride. Here is what happened to our (all unhappy) campers this week.

The Party at the Asylum and Its Aftermath with Sookie, Eric, Bill, Alcide and Kwebe:

Episode 6 begins where the Episode 5 ended. We are in the dark, scary asylum and pandemonium with wolves has broken loose. A wolf is pulling Alcide down the hall and Sookie is chasing after him yelling "Alcide, Alcide" as Bill chases after her yelling "Sookie, Sookie." More wolves jump out of the morgue's metal body cabinets. The fight is on and soon there are two dead werewolves turned back into human form lying on the morgue floor. Russell who is obviously not as sick as he first appeared, jumps from bed and tries to take a bite from what he calls his "Twe Fairy Vixen." But before he can sink his fangs, little Miss Twe blasts him into the wall, something that delights Russell even though he says he loathes that aspect of the little fairy. Eric pins Russell to the wall and is about to stake him when Bill talks him out of if saying that if they take him in alive, they might live too. Eric says he doubts that and he would rather go out in a blaze of glory, but Bill says that he has no right to make that decision for him. So Eric stands down.

Then, just as though we were not having enough fun, Kwebe arrives with his storm troopers and their red dots that signal wooden bullets. He takes Russell prisoner, slapping him when he disses what he calls Kwebe's absurd magical thinking and worship of Lilith by saying, "‘You may as well be praying to Leprechauns or Unicorns or the motherf*cking Kardashians!" (When Eric hears Russell disrespecting Lilith, he actually smiles; I guess Eric recognizes bull crap when he hears it.) Kwebe notices Sookie and Alcide and Eric explains that they are just random people who they found by the side of the road "humping like livestock" and they used them and their van to transport Doug to the asylum. This is a poor story, but pretty good for spur of the moment. Kwebe then points out the Sookie and Alcide know too much and Bill replies that it's nothing that a little glamouring won't take care of. Kwebe seems unconvinced for a moment then he agrees, probably because he has a more pressing matter on his mind. So he asks one of the storm troopers (I wonder if these storm troopers are gay too) to make sure that Sookie and Alcide are glamoured. Sookie sneaks a quick look at Eric who gives her an almost imperceptible nod and touches his ear to indicate that the guards can hear. Bill pretend-glamours Sookie, telling her that she will forget both him and Eric and live her life as a human in the light. This was supposed to be sad and it was, but Bill sure does love the sound of his own voice. Eric first tells Alcide that they owe him and then he heals Alcide's head wound. Eric glamours Alcide, telling him that he will forget everything that happened tonight from the time Bill and Eric arrived at Sookie's, and that he will protect Sookie with his life, but he will also keep his paws off of her because Sookie actually disgusts him. Oh that Eric!

Kwebe locks Eric and Bill in the back of a van; they still seem to be prisoners. Eric asks if this means that their death sentence has been lifted and Kwebe says that is up to Lilith and Bill agrees. Once in the van, Eric asks Bill what's up with all this religious Bill sh*t and Bill replies that he is covering his ass. Eric says that Lilith can blow him.

Kwebe is now ready to take care of some serious business - the humans in the asylum plus my new favorite character Doug. The humans tell him that they can identify the woman who rescued Russell Edgington, that they will never forget her. And would Kwebe please glamour them so they can forget the entire nightmare. Kwebe tells them he will glamour them, apologies to them for what vampires did to them and then kills them all including my Doug who I will mourn for the rest of the season. Clue time: Kwebe is not on board with the mainstreaming agenda.

Now that Doug is dead, Eric is back to being my favorite character. The "would someone please stick a nail in my eye" look he gets on his face whenever Kwebe or Roman pontificate about religion is a Master Card priceless moment.

Alcide and Sookie drive home. Sookie is crying because she suspects that something bad is about to happen to Bill and Eric. Alcide has no idea where they are or how they got there.

The next morning Alcide wakes up at Sookie's. He has slept in her upstairs bedroom and it is an absolutely hysterical scene. He is lying alone in her bed covered by her ultra feminine fluffy pink comforter. His feet poke out at the end of the bed and when he sits up, he looks like "Ballerina Wolf Drag Queen Barbie."

Alcide stumbles down stairs to find Sookie sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee. They both have hangovers and Sookie tells him to help himself to coffee, but if he wants food, he is on his own. Alcide has sporadic memories of making out with Sookie so he asks her, "Did we?" Sookie says "No," with the same irritation she would have had for that question before she got drunk on peach schnapps. So much for the question of whether their almost hookup would have occured if she had not been drinking. Alcide says he cannot remember anything, so Sookie matter-of-factly grabs his hand to help him remember and he recoils from her. But Sookie is growing a brain; she immediately realizes that Eric added a few phrases to Alcide's glamour. She says f*cking Eric, but she is not mad, just exasperated. (She also did not get mad when Eric made his remark about Sookie and Alcide humping like livestock - she got it.) She then grabs Alcide's hand again and restores his memories of the night before. Alcide immediately remembers seeing JD from the Shreveport pack at the asylum and deduces that some of the Shreveport werewolves are now on V and it is Jackson all over again. Alcide is not having any of that nonsense, so he storms out of the house to go take care of it. As he is leaving Sookie assures him that he should not mind about her, she will just stay home and slip into a coma.

Eric and Bill are now back at The Authority. And guess what? There is a party in their honor. It is a dull party, but everything the chancellors do in this room (except staking) plays like hedonism brought to you by the Baptist Church. Everyone is celebrating, including little Molly who cheerfully removes the boy's Istakes. Roman enters the room wearing a blue golf shirt and carrying a bottle of vintage Austrian hemophiliac blood which he says was incredibly expensive. He is thrilled to see the boys. Salome says that she has been interrogating Russell and has filled his veins with silver, so he is no danger to anyone. Eric asks Salome if he can speak to Chancellor Gainsborough and Salome says that Nora has confessed to being Sanguinista.

Roman works the room like a football coach after a Super Bowl victory. Roman says he is happy because by bringing Russell in, Eric and Bill have proved their support of mainstreaming. Bill confirms that this is true, but Eric artfully dodges the question by saying he has felt protective of some humans in the past and "I was never very religious, but as long as the affairs of humans do no personally impact me, I remain a pacifist." Eric says this with the same snarky grin he used to convince Russell Edgington he had no interest in Sookie in Season III. When Eric speaks about caring for some humans in the past, Roman gives him a look that makes me think that he knows just how soon in the past this "caring" was. By not mouthing the platitudes Roman wants to hear, Eric is being clever. I suspect he smells the smoke of revolutionary fire in the room and does not want to ally with a particular side. He then asks Roman if he can see Nora and when Roman asks why, he tells him the Nora is his sister. Bill is displeased by Eric's revelation, but I suspect Eric has figured out that quite a few people in the room already know about his relationship with Nora, so it does not matter.

Salome wants to leave the party to continue interrogating Russell (and to keep from being bored to tears), but Roman tells her not to bother because he is going to execute him tonight. Salome demurs that Russell knows too much and they should keep him around a while longer. But Roman is not interested in Salome's advice (AGAIN). Roman asks if Russell is silvered. Salome replies that he is and suggests that she put more silver in Russell and bring him to Roman. Roman tells her to put an Istake on Russell so he, Roman, won't get messy when he executes him because he wants to hit the links tonight (there is an all night golf course nearby???). Salome reluctantly leaves.

Eric is standing outside Nora's prison cell trying to talk to her while Nora frantically prays to Lilith. (It's never any fun to find out that your sister is a raving lunatic.) Salome walks past them with the guards and Russell who is supposedly on his way to his execution. Salome tells Nora that Russell will be executed tonight. Nora is thrilled and says, "It's finally happening." Eric inquires just what is happening? And then with a sense of foreboding, he vamp speeds back to The Authority chamber room.

Russell is on his knees, wearing an Istake while he and Roman have a bitch fest. Russell says he wants to gorge on human blood because he likes it; it makes his dick hard. Russell tells Roman that he is a hypocrite and this is all about Roman's ego. Roman is incensed and yells that it is about order and he then pushes the code on his Iphone to autostake Russell and guess what? Nothing happens. The autostake has obviously been disabled by one or more Judas Iscariots. We are back to pandemonium as Russell jumps up, grabs Roman, pushes him down on the table and stakes him yelling that "Peace is for pussies". Salome cries a single tear over the death of her longtime lover and Bill and Eric are totally shocked, probably for the first time in their hundreds of years of existence.

Sookie and Jason and their many relatives:

Jason has a dream where he is sitting on his couch and talking with his father. Jason promises his father that he will find the vampires who killed them and make them pay. His father says, "The only thing you have to worry about is.." and his father is gone as Jason wakes up.

We are now at Merlotte's and Arlene and Holly are talking about how concerned Arlene is about Terry when Sookie walks up to post her customer's order. Sookie is in a foul mood; she is hung over and her customer just gave her his entire order while looking straight at her chest. Arlene says that men are just dogs except for Terry of course and Holly chimes in and says except for Andy too. Sookie snorts at that and says men are good for just one thing. Arlene and Holly get happy expectant looks on their faces because they think Sookie is about to share some juicy tidbits about vampire sex, but no such luck. According to our newly jaded Miss Stackhouse, men are dogs and only good for bringing trouble into your life.

Jason comes to Merlotte's to see Sookie. He tells her that their parents were killed by vampires. Sookie pooh poohs this theory and asks Jason if he is on V. She says that everyone knows that their parents died in a flash flood. Jason reminds Sookie about how Bill made it look like the Ratrays died in a tornado (foreshadowing, foreshadowing!). Jason then tells Sookie about the fairy night club and how he saw Hadley there. Sookie wants to know where the Fairy night club is and will Jason take her there? Jason says it is at the Thibodeaux farm and off they go. So much for Sookie working at Merlotte's that day.

Sookie and Jason arrive at the field. They run into the middle and Sookie can hear the nightclub. Suddenly she enters the portal and is gone. Jason is running around the field yelling, "Hey, that's my sister you fairy f*ckers. Bring her back, " when Sookie suddenly reappears, grabs his arm says "Come on Jason," and voila they are both in that utterly amazing fairy burlesque club. I would be happy if the rest of the season took place in the fairy club.

Jason immediately see that one of the male waiters is wearing his tie from his previous visit to the club (the one where he ended up home naked) and attempts to retrieve it. The male waiter mistakenly thinks that Jason wants him along with the tie and Jason has to disabuse him of that notion. Sookie see Hadley and asks about Hunter. She is telling Hadley not to trust fairies that they are not what they seem when suddenly a much better looking Claude from Episode I of Season IV appears and says something to the effect of, "Who is?" and grabs and hugs Sookie. Sookie is taken aback because she does not recognize Claude (we don't either because it is a different actor), but he patiently explains that he was the one who saved her from Queen Mab's harvesting experiment. To which Sookie replies, "No way, that guy had meth teeth and bat ears." But nothing fazes Claude who cheerfully explains that fairies change appearance depending on the frequency. Okay if you say so.

Sookie is worried about Hunter and asks Hadley if he ate the light fruit. Claude tells her that they are not part of Queen Mab's group - they don't serve light fruit and they especially don't like Mab's Disneyland uniforms (the club costumes are spectacular but sort of Disneyesque too but not quite so Maxwell Parrishish). Claude says that Hadley can leave anytime she wants to, but Hadley wants no part of this "leaving anytime she wants to" as she and Hunter could become Happy Meals for a vampire. Sookie tells Claude she is sorry about Claudine and Claude mutters some platitude about how Claudine chose her own path. Besides he has lots of sisters and four of them are here tonight. Sookie asks him if what Hadley says is true, did vampires kill her parents? Claude says that he only knows what Claudine told him - a vampire stopped her parents car on the bridge because he smelled some blood, Sookie's blood, on a band aid on the back seat. Sookie is devastated and her hand (involuntarily I hope) lights up to blast Claude and this time it looks like she has a fire ball. Four fairies also light up and we are out of that scene.

Jessica, Tara, Hoyt and Pam:

Jessica and Tara get into a girl fight over the fact that Tara was helping Hoyt commit suicide-by-vampire. The fight is awesome, but then they stop for a second and Jessica says, "I guess that whole friendship thing is on hold," To which charming Tara replies, "What do you expect when you come into my house and f*ck with me." Pam has been enjoying the fight but she has now had enough. She grabs her progeny by the hair and marches her into her office for a lecture on who owns the bar and who works there. But then Pammy tosses her progeny a bone. She tells Tara that she did good and she is proud of her the way a human would be proud of a well trained dog. This little relationship is going to take a while to develop.

Hoyt talks to Jessica. He misinterpreted Jessica saving him from Tara to mean that Jessica still loves him. He says he is willing to do anything she wants, he just wants to be the one she does it with. Jessica is hurt also, but she tells him it is over. So Hoyt leaves to find someone else to kill him.

Hoyt is out behind Fangtasia letting a male vampire drink his blood. The vampire says he thinks they need to stop, that Hoyt's heart is slowing down and Hoyt says he does not care. The vamp proceeds to drink away when suddenly the Obama masked terrorists are back, but this time in a van. They shoot the vampire who immediately explodes, yell "Yes, we can" and pull Hoyt (who they recognize) into the van and speed off.

Sam, Luna, Emma, Martha and Andy:

Sam and Luna are both alive, strapped into gurneys and being wheeled through the halls of the emergency room while they scream at the top of their lungs. They are not screaming in pain, but about how they have to find Emma.

Later Luna is in her hospital bed and Sam unhooks his IV and comes to visit her. The nurse acts like a nurse and object to his visit. But then something wonderful happens, Martha arrives with Emma and tells the nurse that "You need to get away from me before I hurt you." She then tells Luna and Sam that Emma came to her last night as a wolf, running through some really bad parts of town. Luna tells Martha that just because Emma is a wolf (are we really sure about this - well I guess so unless there was another wolf around both times she shifted for imprint purposes), that she, Martha, cannot have her. Martha says that she understands and she just wants to be part of Emma's life. Luna finally relents because she realizes that with someone running around town killing shifters, Emma might be safer with Martha for the time being.

Andy arrives at the hospital to investigate the shooting. He talks to Sam and after a lot of unnecessary hemming and hawing, Andy agrees to let Sam and his heightened senses go with him to look for the shifter killers. Sam seems to have recovered very quickly from his bullet wound. Must be a shifter thing.

Andy and Sam go the Stake House and Andy is interrogating a man named Junior who seems to run the place. Sam asks him about the wooden bullets with silvers cores and Junior says that he is selling about 1500 a month which Andy remarks is enough to kill the entire town. Junior asks Andy why they are not doing anything about the other supernatural creatures in Bon Temp. Junior is also eyeing Sam who is looking at crossbows and it is obvious that Junior knows that Sam is not entirely human and that fact does not please Junior. Junior says he is going to get some of the bullets from under the counter to show Andy, but he comes up with a gun and Sam shoots him with a crossbow. Junior gets off one shot which hits the defaced cardboard Steve Newlin. Sam tells the dying Junior that the arrow was for Suzanne and Emory. Good for Sam!

Lafayette and Ruby Jean:

Lafayette calls on his mother, Ruby Jean, who is always a delight even if the nursing home thinks she is in a coma. She tells him she heard from Jesus and she knows why he has not been to work. Lafayette replies that yes, Jesus is dead (we are talking about Alcide's supposedly dead boyfriend, not the diety). Ruby says that Jesus is in trouble - someone sewed up his mouth, but even so he needs to talk to Lafayette. And the man who caused all of this trouble for Jesus is the man who made him drink goat's blood. Lafayette asks his Mama how she knows that and she replies that "I ain't go no f*cking clue. The electricity just runs through me." Lafayette remembers the fun trip that he and Jesus had visiting Don Bartolo in Mexico during Season IV and decides to go on a sentimental journey. As he leaves, Ruby Jeans tells him that "Jesus loves the little faggots." This is good to know.

Terry, Patrick, The Ifrit and Arlene:

We are still at Eller's bunker in South Dakota. Patrick manages to get Eller killed by tying him to a chair in his bunker and then leaving him for the Ifrit to burn to death. This is supposedly an accident, but Terry is very displeased with Patrick's continuing poor judgment. Speaking of angels of death - I nominate Patrick.

Terry and Patrick are driving back to Louisiana when Terry realizes that he has had more than he can bear. He bails out of the car while it is still moving. Patrick chases him and they have a fight. Patrick still thinks he can order Terry around because he was a Sergeant and Terry was a Private, but Terry has had it with that sorry Patrick who gave him the order to kill the woman who conjured up the Ifrit who chased him all the way to Bon Temp, Louisianna. He tells Patrick that he ordered him to do something evil and wrong. Then Terry heartbrokenly says that he knew that the situation with Arlene, the kids and Mikey (his voice breaks here) was too good to be true.

Terry goes to see Arlene at Merlotte's and tell her that if he stays with her she will die. He also tells her exactly what happened in Iraq, about how he killed that women and how he is cursed. Arlene says there is no such thing as a curse. Really Arlene? Don't you live in Bon Temps where super naturals and all their shenanigans run amok? Terry finally convinces Arlene that he has to go, but we all know that is not the end of this. There are too many people for Arlene to ask for help, starting with her witch friend Holly who just happens to be working the same shift today. And then there is Lafayette. Oh wait, Layette is visiting fun loving Don Bartolo in Mexico, so Arlene will just have to wait until Lala gets back to town with or without Jesus or parts thereof.

Alcide and the Werewolves:

The werewolves have gathered in the torture barn. JD seems to be Pack Master now and he is making out with one of the women while the rest of the werewolves sit around and watch. According to the room chatter, this seems to be a pattern for JD - moving from were woman to were woman This is is bad news for the pack's were women because JD is totally gross. Alcide arrives and confronts JD about how he (JD) is sucking vampire blood. We also find out that JD is supposed to be Martha's partner, which is most definitely not a good thing for Emma guardian to be that close to a pack of wolves that is serving Russell Edgington. Alcide, in a plan to save the pack from V addiction, says that he accepts the position of Pack Master (he killed the last Pack Master so he is entitled). J D says not so fast, I'm Pack Master now, not you. They both take off their gloves and use them to bitch slap each other across the face several times and then agree to meet to fight it out. JD thinks he has a way out of this "fighting it out." Alcide must have a second and JD is sure no one will volunteer. But wait, in a totally unexpected development, the hot naked werewolf chick from Episode I (Rikki) agrees to be Alcide's second.


This was quite some episode. It's a real shame about Roman - talk about killing your darlings. For all his excesses of ego and extreme dogmatism, Roman was a Vampire Dutch boy whose finger in the dam prevented totally anarchy. And since I assume most True Blood viewers are human, Roman was the only true advocate for our kind. Plus, he was a lot of fun to watch.

We don't know who the new guardian will be, but my money is on Salome or Kwebe. It certainly won't be Dieter or Rosalyn who looked totally shocked when Russell staked Roman. And speaking of Russell, IMHO it is unlikely that b*t sh*t crazy Russell was Trojan-horsed into The Authority to assume a real position of power. Someone else is calling the shots and implemented the long range convoluted plan to bring down Roman. Russell in all his glory is most likely another pawn in the chess game - just like Bill and Eric.

The previews show us Sookie supposedly trying to use up her fairy powers after one of the club fairies told her that she only had so much magic and she should be careful. Methinks it is much more likely that the fairy is acting like a fairy and if Sookie tries to become human by draining her fairy gas tank, she will only become more powerful. At least this is what I hope is true. That girl needs to get her fire- balling skills down, since I am pretty sure that The Authority knows all about Miss Sookie's multi talents and her delicious fairy blood with its sixty-seconds-of- vampire-sunlight attribute.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.


True Blood
Season V, Episode 5
Let's Boot and Rally

Episode 5 is one of the best episodes of True Blood ever. It was written by new writer, Angela Robinson, who knocked it out of the park. She gave us a Sookie who is brave, fun and kick-ass and a plot that raced through the hour (well 50 minutes). Hell, she even made the Terry story interesting.

So what happened this week:

Sookie, Alcide, Eric and Bill:

Episode 5 opens with Sookie and Alcide going at it on her couch. Sookie has some wonderfully obnoxious pink socks on her feet which she has wrapped around Alcide's back. Sookie tells Alcide that she does not want to talk anymore (they actually weren't). Alcide picks her up, she attaches to him like a monkey, and he carries her upstairs to her bedroom where they begin doffing their clothes. Sookie is in her pink bra and Alcide says he's waited so long for this. But Alcide should have been a bit more specific about exactly what "this" means, because Sookie gives him a longing look and VOMITS up her peach schnapps. (Pronouns are always a bitch.) Cut away our favorite cock blockers, Eric and Bill, who are standing in the doorway taking in the action and I am sure the smell. Eric quips, "Alcide, you sure do know how to treat a lady."

All fandom screams in laughter.

Sookie has changed into a red shirt and is sitting at the table drinking coffee and talking to Bill and Eric about how she does not know if she can read the mind of someone who has been glamoured the way she read Tara's mind during the Marianne situation. Sookie asks them where they were and says that we have been worried about you and Eric replies, "Clearly," a snide reference to her recent attempt to hump the local dog. Sookie is not mad; she just stares at Eric with a sad pondering looking on her face. Alcide, Bill and Eric start fighting about whether or not Alcide should bring his employee Doug into the situation. Sookie starts to cry with her hands over her eyes. She sees the quarreling boys through her fingers as snapping dogs and then her crying turns to hysterical laughter. Eric looks very concerned for a moment when he sees Sookie begin to lose it. But Sookie rallies to explain that she thought all of this would be over, she said goodbye but she now realizes that things will never be normal. Here she is a few days later - they are back in her house and a 3000 year old vampire wants to suck her blood so all she can say is, "It must be Thursday."

Sookie then asks them what they are waiting for. She puts on her jacket and says something to the affect of "Let's go find Russell. Onward to the jaws of death. Let's boot and rally." Sookie then climbs through her screen less back door and says, "Thanks Tara," and off they go.

Sookie was really amazing this entire scene.

Sookie, Alcide, Bill and Eric are now at Alcide's parking garage talking to Alcide's foreman, Doug. Sookie asks if Doug minds if she takes a peek into his brain. (Doug is utterly hysterical and I would love to see him as a series regular. Perhaps he could take Tara's place bartending at Merlotte's or he could be Emma's babysitter while Luna [hopefully] recovers.) Sookie holds Doug's hand and asks him to think about that night. Sookie enters Doug's brain and sees a woman digging up Russell with her hands. She cannot see the woman's face which is hidden by her hat (Sookie can only see what Doug saw), but she is wearing a bat emblem necklace which after Sookie describes it, Bill and Eric recognize as the Authority symbol. So we are now down to three Russell-busting-out-of-concrete suspects: Salome, Nora and Rosalyn. My money is on Salome.

Our four happy campers plus Doug are now riding in Alcide's van. Sookie is sitting up front between Alcide and Doug. She is holding Doug's hand, reading his mind and giving Alcide directions (Doug obviously helped someone move Russell). Sookie asks Alcide if they are ever going to talk about how she puked on his shoes and Alcide says nope. That was actually a smart response from Alcide because that would be a truly weird conversation. Alcide should ask Bill or Eric to glamour that memory away. I bet they wish they could glamour away their own memories of that scene.

Bill and Eric are in the back of the van (the same place where Bill attacked and drained Sookie in Season 3). They are bickering; the bromance has run its course. Bill is sure Eric told Nora and Eric is just as adamant that he did not. They fang up but just then the phone rings. It is the cute little Authority troll Molly telling them that they have until dawn or their autostakes will go off. And if they don't make it, it has been rad knowing them. So much for Salome promising Nora that they would be safe.

Sookie and company are now in front of a very scary deserted asylum. Bill tries to order Sookie to wait outside with Alcide and Doug while he and Eric split up and search. Eric says she should not go with them because they don't have time to worry about her. Sookie says that is crazy because she has watched enough horror movies to know that you don't split up when you are in a big scary asylum and there is a crazed killer on the loose, and besides, since sun and her microwave fingers are the only things that work against Russell, she would be protecting them instead of the other way around. Plus she has a headache and needs to pee something fierce so she just wants to get this over with. Go Miss Stackhouse. You tell them!

So our party of five enters the asylum with Sookie and Doug in the lead. Sook is still holding Doug's hand, using his erased memory as a GPS. She "hears" which direction Doug carried the body. Alcide takes a sniff and says that wolves have been here and Bill replies that Russell comes with wolves.

My new favorite character, Doug, is very nervous and remarks that if he dies, he will do so never having seen New York City. Eric replies that New York City smells like pee and the people are rude. Doug is not comforted.

It is now getting fun in the fun house. There are rats and a severed hand in the hallway. And if that wasn't scary enough, the next stop is a room filled with more rats and corpses.

Sookie/Doug then lead them into the asylum morgue. This is too much for Doug who bolts and runs away only to enter a room filled with people hanging from the ceiling in bags - Russell's food supply. Eric remarks that they are on the right track. They ask one of the suspended humans which way the humans are taken when they are sent to feed Russell and the hysterical human tells them. They leave as the human scream to not leave him.

Bill asks Sookie if she is ready and she says yes. They walk into the room and find Russell in a hospital bed. Russell makes snarky remarks about how it took them long enough and they have been making a terrible racket. But Russell is thrilled that Miss Stackhouse has come calling. Eric flashes fang and says that he is there to finish what they started. Russell tells him to take his best shot and suddenly a wolf attacks Alcide and we are out.

Jason, Andy, Sam and Luna:

Jason is back from the fairy club and he is having a dream. In it, he is wearing his super hero pajamas (with feet) and it is Christmas morning. There is a tree with presents. His mother and father are sitting at the kitchen table and ask him if he would like some breakfast, so he joins them and his cute little sister Sookie. Jason is eating his breakfast when he notices that both his parents have vampire bites on their necks and the blood from their wounds is dripping into their bowls of porridge. Jason tries to point this out to his parents and his mother attempts to comfort him by asking if he wants sex or how about BJ? Hey, this is Jason's dream, but that was really Freudian.

Jason wakes up as his phone rings. He is stark naked. It is Rosie from the station and the first thing Jason does is ask what year it is, not wanting to lose time with the fairies like his sister Sookie did. Hearing that he has not time travelled, he tells Rosie that he will take care of whatever it is that she called about.

Andy is asleep on the couch at his grandmother's home. His phone is also ringing and Arlene comes running in to tell him to answer it before he wakes up the baby. Andy is also stark naked and Arlene yells at him to put on some clothes and answer the phone. Andy answers the phone, but it is too late. The baby is awake and Arlene has seen the upside of Andy, but fortunately she did not have her camera in hand. Andy also agrees to go to wherever the person on the phone wants him to go. Which turns out to be Suzanne's house to investigate the murder of Suzanne and her friend Emory.

Jason and Andy are at Suzanne's and the dead bodies remind Jason of his dream about his parents and the vampire bites. Jason and Andy step aside for a quick conversation and Jason asks Andy if he remembers how they got home from the fairies. Andy does not. Jason also tells Andy that he woke up naked and Andy acknowledges having the same problem. Jason says that everyone at that club was a fairy like Tinker Ball (that's what he said - Tinker Ball) and they were all supes. Andy asked if he (Andy) f*cked a fairy and Jason replies that if he got it on with one of those ladies, that is what he did. Andy says that he does not care they were fairies or leprechauns, he does not want Murella (Andy's fairy fbuddy) interfering with what he has going on with Holly. Fat chance of that Andy - this is True Blood.

Andy then questions Sam who says that he was supposed to join Suzanne and Emory for dinner and he found them shot dead. Andy asks if they had any enemies and Sam says, no they were good people. Andy then asks if there was anything hinky going on and Sam says there were all shifters. Andy just grunts; he is learning to accept his new world.

Sam and Andy see that a bullet that hit a tree is wooden with a silver core. Jason asks Andy if he knows what is fucked up and Andy replies that he has a pretty long list. Jason is down on vamps after hearing what Hadley said and we can tell he is not going to let it go until he knows.

Sam goes to see Luna to tell her about Suzanne and Emory and she is sad to hear it but tells him that he has to leave (who knows what Emma is up to in her room (I hope Luna put the Barbie's on a top shelf). Sam does leave but as he walks outside, he is shot by a truck load of masked rednecks. Luna runs out and is also shot and looks dead. Emma comes out of the house and Sam tells her to run and Emma shifts and runs as the red necks shoot at her little wolf. These guys need to die soon, really soon. And none of us will think it is gratuitous violence when we watch.

Pam, Tara, Jessica and Hoyt:

We are at Fangtasia and Pam has lent Tara a really pretty navy blue top to wear with her jeans. Tara is wondering around Fangtasia when Pam tells her she needs to tend bar. Tara protests the fact that Pam can make her work anytime she wants to and carries on about how nothing ever changes which is a slave reference that is pretty apt for a change.

Tara is tending bar when a pretty young girl starts to talk to her. Tara attacks her, but Pam grabs Tara in time and tells her that she is never to feed on anyone in public or she will silver her and put her in a coffin for a millennium. Mommy Pam believes in tough love.

Jessica comes to the bar and asks Tara for a drink of her personal mixture of True Blood which Tara pours with skill. Jessica asks her how it is going and Tara says that she would trade makers and Jessica says that Pam is not that bad that at least she will let Tara feed on humans - Bill only let her have True Blood when she was first turned. Then in a salute to the ad campaign, Jessica tells Tara that it gets better even though she is lonely. Tara says she is fresh out of friends and Jessica tells her that she can hang with her. Tara talks about how she is hungry all the time and has all the strange feelings. Jessica says that they are not bad feelings, they are awesome. Jessica asks Tara if she has fed on a human and Tara says she has and she liked it and Jessica says just wait until you feed and f*ck at the same time. Jessica then goes into the spoiler spiel of how they will live forever, be young forever and the whole world is open to them. Tara smiles. They are really cute together, but we all know that will last about two minutes.

Tara goes outside to smoke and ever times she takes a drag, half the cigarette burns. Hoyt approaches to get a little feeding action on and Tara tells him to go home to his Mama. Hoyt whines about what is wrong with him. A few minutes later, we find that Tara has obviously changed her mind. She is feeding on Hoyt in a restroom stall while Jessica feeds on the fangbanger who offered herself to Tara earlier tonight in the next stall. Jessica hears Hoyt ask Tara to stop and she opens the door and throws Tara off of Hoyt. Tara and Jessica then start a girl fight which is a lot of fun.

The Sadists at the Authority:

Nora is still praying in her cell saying that we will rise up and Dieter is torturing her with the light. Salome is standing next to Dieter and she reacts ever so slightly to Nora being burned. But when Dieter tells her that the boys have collected Sookie and are at the parking garage, she tells him to tell the boys that they have until dawn to locate Russell. Salome says that this is the Guardian's decree, but somehow I doubt it. Methinks she does not want darling Russell to be found.

Salome then joins Roman in the Vampyr "holy of holy" where there is vial of blood in a glass case. Roman says that some think the blood in the vial is actually the blood of Lilith. Roman doubts that it is, but somehow I don't think Salome shares his reservations. Roman is reminiscing about what a great vampire Chancellor Drew was and how he helped him draft the Vampire Rights Amendment. He says that Drew was totally committed to mainstreaming and I guess he means that Drew was committed until he wasn't. Salome murmurs platitudes about moderation which Roman totally ignores.

The episode ends with a marvelous scene. Roman preaches to an assembled group of vampires about living in harmony with humans and atoning for past transgressions. He says, "There are traitors in our midst. Those who seek to tear down all that we have built together. Now, as Guardian, I am tasked with not only our political future, but the spiritual salvation of vampires everywhere. The question before us is: Are we willing to share this world? As vampires, we have committed crimes against humanity, crimes for which we must now atone. The Sanguinistas want to turn the clock backwards, want to murder with impunity. They think of humans as nothing but sustenance. So the choice is ours. Do we return to a time where we skulked in the dark, hiding in the shadows? Or are we willing to extend the promise of Lilith and her bountiful mercy to all of humanity and live as equals? The Sanguinistas say we are going against our nature, and Lilith command us to feed. [That we are] the pinnacle of the food chain. But they are wrong. For if we let our sins flourish, we are slaves to our blood lust. If we let our hunger for power surpass our common decency, we doom our souls to damnation. So let it be known; we will not cede the floor to the depraved and desperate tyranny of madmen and fanatics, we will not stand by while zealots hijack the righteousness of our cause. We will fight. And let the night cleanse us of our sins and lead us to victory.”

But while he is pontificating away we see a montage ala the end of Godfather I of: Tara and Jessica feeding and then fighting in the men's room, Jason standing at his parent's grave vowing to avenge their deaths, the redneck terrorists shooting Sam and Luna; and Sookie and Company finding Russell in the asylum. All of these story lines are supposed to come together in the end and I, for one, would love to watch Russell eat the rednecks. Just a suggestion.

Now on to this week's minor stories:


Lafayette runs into his home totally freaking out over how he almost killed Sookie. He looks in the mirror and lo and behold, "Hi, demon." Lafayette lights some sort of wick like the one used by Lettie Mae and Reverend Daniels in Season 4 and tries to use it to pray to some goddess figurines that he obviously thinks can do something about his demon. Well, the figurines do "do something." They begin to sing and dance and make fun of Lafayette. Lafayette freaks some more and tosses his dolls on the floor and stomps on them. Lafayette then prays to Jesus (as in his former boyfriend, not Jesus Christ) asking him for help and for him to give a sign. This turns out to be a bad idea.

Lafayette is exhausted and lies down to take a nap but as soon as he is asleep, he is awakened by a noise. It is Jesus' head with the mouth sewn shut. We skip to Lafayette's mother Ruby Jean's room at the nursing home. She has the same new table decoration, but instead of screaming, she just says "Jesus, where have you been?" Well Lafayette did ask Jesus for a sign and two severed heads does qualify.

Patrick, Terry and Eller:

We are back in the bunker with Patrick, Terry and Eller. Eller still has a gun pointed at them and he makes them tie each other up (this is unclear in the episode just like it is unclear when I write it) while he talks about killing them to appease the demon that is causing all the fires. Eller says he was couch surfing at the home of another one of the soldiers and his wife and there was a fire, but it was not an ordinary fire. The fire chased his friends and he heard them screaming as they died. Terry's has another flashback of when they killed the family in Iraq. The mother was still alive and Patrick commanded him to kill her but before he did (unclear - Terry says he killed her on the commentary but I clearly saw Patrick take the shot), the mother cursed them calling on an Ifrit (Middle Eastern fire demon) to kill them and anyone they love. Terry tells Patrick and Eller that as they burned the bodies, he saw a spirit rise out of the flames. How do these boys know the spirit is called an Ifrit? Well Eller googled it of course.

Terry talks Eller into releasing them so they can run; he convinces Eller that the demon is just waiting until the three of them are together to strike. Eller tells them that his bunker is fire proof, but then he changes his mind and releases them so they can all go stay with a friend of his who has a house boat. Patrick hits Eller on the head and ties him up. Terry wants no part of this and runs outside. Patrick joins him and tell him that Eller is crazy, they were all hyped up on drugs that night in Iraq and there is no Ifrit and he is going to turn Eller over to the local authorities. But that is not going to happen because Heller's bunker catches fire with Heller and the Ifrit inside.

Notes: The previews show The Authority goons coming to the asylum where they presumably capture Russell and take Eric and Bill back to headquarters. We see Roman questioning Russell and we also see Eric in the cell next to Nora. We don't know what happens to Sookie, Alcide and Doug, but I am going to presume that they go back home even though I am 100% positive that Sookie will end up as a prisoner/ guest of The Authority before the season is over. There have been too many hints like the TV Guide photos of Sookie posing with Roman while she is wearing evening dresses plus the TV guide cover photo of Sookie dressed in red velvet lying on a chase lounge in some opulent setting. Also, Anna Paquin was interviewed about her costumes and she said something about how Sookie steps it up this season and wears more sophisticated clothes. Well we are through five episodes and so far it's been jeans and shirts, so something is about to change.

Also, even though Eric has been trying to pretend that he no longer cares for Sookie, he is having a hard time keeping up that facade when he is around her. He can't stop staring at her and gets a quickly hidden look of concern on his face every time he thinks she is upset. It looks like the writers are slowly building to a Sookie/Eric reunion which will make most of fandom, including this writer, happy.

Third thought is that maybe there are no real mainstreamers because no vampire can live on True Blood alone. So Roman's dream of a mainstreaming coexistence may be just that - a dream. Perhaps vampires cannot drink only true blood anymore than Rick Santorum's Catholic base can only have sex for the purpose of procreation. Hmm.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.




True Blood
Season V, Episode 4
We'll Meet Again

So this is the episode to blame Sookie for everything. No matter what sh*t people pulled beforehand to get Sookie into whatever mess she is in today, it's all her fault and everyone knows it. She killed poor innocent Debbie Pelt and caused Tara to be turned. Everyone has conveniently forgot about the "prior" chain of events but here is a refresher:

* Bill Compton comes to Bon Temp to procure Sookie for the vampire Queen of Louisiana

* After a lick of Soookie's part fairy blood, Compton decides to keep this delicious morsel for himself

* Bill foolishly takes Sookie to Fantasia where Eric gets a whiff of her scent and is quickly besotted

*Eric insists that Sookie go to Dallas to help him search for Godric

* To keep Bill occupied and away from Sookie in Dallas, Eric invites Bill's psychopathic maker Lorena to Dallas too

* Lorena immediately wants Bill back and Sookie dead

* Lorena tries to kill Sookie

* Lorena has another psychopath, Russell Edgington, kidnap Bill and take him to Mississippi where she plans to kill Sookie and make Bill watch

*Russell send werewolves to kidnap Sookie unsuccessfully (Eric kills one)

* Sookie "hears" from one of the werewolves that he is from Jackson and resolves to go to Jackson, Mississippi to save Bill

* Eric asks another werewolf, Alcide Herveaux, to accompany and take care of Sookie

* Alcide's ex, Debbie Pelt, sees Sookie with Alcide and is immediately jealous

*Debbie tries to kill Sookie, twice - once at Russell's and later when she invades her home

* Russell kidnaps Sookie

* Sookie kills Lorena and saves Bill

* Bill nearly kills Sookie by draining her in the back of Alcide's van

* Sookie unwillingly helps Eric capture Russell (Eric used her as bait) and Eric then buries Russell

* Sookie finds out that Bill is a psychopath - well duh?

* Sookie spends a year in fairy land

* Sookie returns to find a newly sober Debbie living with Alcide.

* Amongst many other events in Season IV, Debbie figures out that Alcide is in love with Sookie

* Debbie tries to kill Sookie for the third time and gets Tara instead and then Sookie kills Debbie

* Lafayette (not Sookie) asks Pam to turn Tara as she lies dying in Sookie's arms.

So why you may ask, is everything Sookie's fault. Debbie would have never been in Sookie's kitchen if Eric had not coveted what Bill had and set in place one of his Machiavellian plots to take Sookie away from Bill. As in no Lorena, no Russell, no Alcide, no Debbie. Plus there is copious blame to heap on the head of the "mendacious Mr. Compton" for coming to Bon Temp to procure Sookie in the first place. But who's complaining? If all of these events did not occur, there would be no show and besides, Eric is really hot so it is fun to see him play alpha-male-with -blowback. And Bill has evolved into a twisted dark character who casts a magnificently malevolent shadow on what already was a f'ckedup world.

So on to Episode IV.


We open on French fried Tara bravely offing herself via tanning Bed. Pam vamp speeds to her rescue. She opens the bed to find gooey Tara and reaches out to help her out and gets vamp crud on her hand. Pam has a moment of amazing sympathy (for Pam) and then she focuses on her dirty hand. Pam tells Tara not to do that (frying herself) again and Tara gives her favorite response of "F*ck you" and turns the bed back on. A fed up Pam commands her as her maker to never do that again and Tara turns off the tanning light.

The credits roll.

Here is what happened this week to our happy campers:

Sookie, Lafayette and Alcide:

We are now back at Merlotte's and Sookie is standing forlornly in the parking lot as Alcide furiously speeds off in his truck. Lafayette comes out and asks Sookie if she told Alcide and she says he already knew. Lafayette freaks out; he is furious. He asked Sookie to do one thing and that was to zip it. Sookie is crying and she tells him that they have to do what is right from now on and she wants to be the girl that Gran raised. Lafayette then goes into his preview/spoiler spiel about how Sookie will survive, she always does - but she is the Angel of Death who leaves a trail of bodies behind her. Sookie is rightfully upset and you can tell she believes him.

A distraught Sookie goes to Jason's house to turn herself in. Jason immediately inquires, "Into what?" You just gotta love Jason and considering the world he lives in, it was a logical question. Sookie says that she killed Debbie Pelt and Alcide knows and he will be at the station tomorrow so she just wants to get it over with. Jason asks if anyone else knows and Sookie says yes - Lafayette and Tara. Debbie tried to kill her and Tara took the bullet for her and she had Pam turn Tara into a vampire. Jason goes ballistic on hearing that Tara is a vamp (no mention of Debbie almost killing Sookie but it is officially "Sh*t on Sookie" week in Bon Temps). Sookie cries and says that she ruins people's lives. Jason tells her that there is no way he is putting her in jail and for her to go about her business and he will think of something. He will try to find out what Andy knows. Just then Jessica comes in from the back bedroom and says, "Tara's a vampire?"

The next day, Sookie is trying to be a waitress and every mind she reads is criticizing her for having Tara turned into a vampire. Everyone has turned against her, even Holly and Arlene. No one wants to know why. I guess they assume Sookie and Tara had a spat over who was going to take out the garbage or who used whose hairbrush and Sookie got pissed and asked one of her vampire friends for a favor.

Then Lafayette drives up to Merlotte's in a strange car (what happened to the sports car Eric gave him?). He sees Sookie's car, his demon emerges and the demon curses Sookie's car.

Alcide goes to see the Pelt's who must be staying in Shreveport because their motel room is Super 8 quality. He tells them that Marcus Bozeman killed their daughter. I certainly hope he gave Luna and Sam a heads-up, but I doubt it - we need more plot twists. Alcide cries and says he loved Debbie, but they were no good together. The Pelts are angry but they believe him.

Sookie is trying to drive home when her car goes out of control and speeds up - the brakes don't work and she bails at 80 miles an hour. Now jumping out of a moving car at 80 miles an hour would kill just about anyone, but Sookie just rolls out and gets up. Hmm? Did the writers forget to Google "impact speeds and death" or does Miss Stackhouse have another new property/skill from her fairy heritage or did all the vamp blood she drank turn her into teflon Barbie?

But special powers or not, our girl has had enough and she goes home and takes out every liquor bottle in the house and gets started on a well deserved bender.
Sookie is getting drunk to elevator music singing "Pina Colada" with made up lyrics about making love at midnight in a cemetery. And in honor of dream Sookie telling Eric that she could not "carry a tune in a bucket," the girl really cannot sing. But she is a fun drunk.

Sookie's phone rings - it is Lafayette who has discovered her car and is very upset and wants to come over to talk to her about something (he just realized he almost killed one of his few remaining live friends) but drunken Sookie has had enough drama from her so-called friends for one day and tell him she is fine and would he please have her car towed. I certainly hope Miss Stackhouse gets a new car because that yellow Datsun looks done-in to me. (One of the ways I could tell that both book Bill and True Blood Bill really did not care about Sookie [I know he is besotted in a blood/sexual way] is that he never offered to do anything about that horrid car. A man who is madly in love does not drive a Mercedes while the love of his life drives a tin can.) But just as Sookie is getting off the phone with Lafayette, Alcide arrives and tells her that she smells like peaches and mint and she tells him that he smells like Aqua Velva ( Alcide then proceeds to tell her that he "cleaned up her mess" by lying to the Pelts. I yell at the TV, "Her mess? How about your mess buddy? You're the one who brought that V addicted loony tunes to the barbeque!" But Sookie, who never holds grudges, is grateful for the help and offers him a drink.

Sookie is making drinks and giggling. She serves Alcide some awful concoction of Tara's called Orange Marzipan. She says anyone who does not like her can bite her if they have not already. Sookie is finally having some fun. She tries to encourage Alcide to drink. He does not want to. She climbs in his lap and tells him that he will do anything for her and that he is in love with her. Alcide demurs and says "Is that what you think?" Well, yeah. We all do. Sookie kisses him which is something Alcide has probably been dreaming about for a long time.

But ut oh! Who should be standing outside watching through the lace curtains but Sookie's other boys. Bill has come to see if Sookie is okay and Eric joins him and remarks that this is awkward time to drop by. Bill says that Jessica said Sookie was having a rough time (there is a joke there) and Eric says that Sookie seems to be recovering nicely and why don't they go about their business of finding Russell. The both have a pretty good idea what is going to happen next having been in similar situations themselves recently - Eric with Nora and Salome and Bill with just Salome. Bill says that Sookie could be useful and Eric sadly says that she does not want anything to do with them anymore and then Bills says, "I don't think we give her the choice." So I guess Alcide is about to be cockblocked by not one but two irritated, hypocritical vampires.

Bill, Eric, Pam and Tara :

The Authority (we are back at the beginning of the show) drops Bill and Eric off on the side of the road and the guards throw a set of car keys on the ground. Bill picks them up and clicks the clicker and voila - there is a car in the woods. Bill says he will drive and off they go.

Pam arrives at Fangtasia with her new kid in tow only to find the place locked up. Pam enters to give Ginger a piece of her mind about closing early and finds Eric on his throne. Pam is thrilled and says that Sookie has come through for her. Pam becomes nervously flippant about how she does not need an apology and they should let "bygones be bygones and bi girls be bi girls." Eric asks what "she" is doing there and Pam says Tara is hers - she made her and he is a grandfather. Pam then sees Bill which is always a thrill for Pam. Eric asks Bill to leave them and Bill takes Tara to a back room where Tara finally gets out of her nasty blood clothes and puts on a Fangtasia tee shirt (I hope she changed in the bathroom). Bill asks if Sookie knows and Tara responds, "What do you think?" Bill wants to know if Sookie is okay and Tara responds that she will always okay. Someone will always take a bullet for Sookie as in just look at me. Tara then tries to give Bill advice about how he cannot always be trying to save Sookie. This is a total WTF. Bill and Tara are talking like old friends and we all know that Tara rightfully despises Bill. But maybe now that they have so much in common???

Eric has Pam pinned to the table accusing her of letting Russell out. Pam protests that if after everything they have been together he cannot trust her, he should just release her. Eric replies that he trust no one and she should not either.

Eric walks back into his office (Tara quickly leaves) to fret with Bill about just who knew about Russell. Bill asks if Nora knew and Eric incredulously says, are you asking me if I told my sister, the one that is in the Authority? Eric explains that he is not suicidal, but you could have fooled me. That boy looks really blue.

We are now in the Fantasia basement which is filled with coffins (do the vamps sleep in the basement when they have prisoners???) Pam wakes up and checks on Tara who is still asleep. Pam and Eric then have a beautiful scene in which he tells her that the end is near - either Russell or the Authority will kill him. Pam wants to help but Eric lovingly releases her so she can live on and continue his blood line. He tells her she is his only progeny and she was born to greatness. They embrace and we all cry.

Pam wakes up Tara. She has brought a fang banger for Tara's breakfast. Tara says she was human three days ago and cannot look at another person like she is food even though the fang banger points out that she (the fang banger) is delicious. Pam starts to command Tara to feed and Tara puts her hands over her ears to drown out the sound but it does not work. Pam commands her to bite and she does. Pam then goes into a strangely erotic spiel about how Tara has this human's life in her hands and she can bring her to the point of death. She says that the human's heart is beating so fast from fear that Tara does not have to suck, the blood is coming to her. She tells Tara that she is now on the top of the food chain and humans can never hurt her again. I guess we know where Pam stands on the subject of mainstreaming and true blood.

Bill is at home and he and Jessica are searching his office for bugs. Hmm? Jessica asks if Bill is still King and he says he is. Hmm again. They don't find a bug, but Bill does find a joint and shows it to Jessica. Jessica is embarrassed but says she had a few friends over and there was no people draining. Bill acts the cool Dad and just says that the weed is cheap and that she can handle herself. Jessica tells him he needs to go see Sookie who is having a real hard time with what happened with Debbie and Tara. Bill remarks that Jessica took care of Sookie's problem with Andy but that she should not do that too often as Sookie will suck you in. (Are we being prepared for Bill to be weaned of his Sookie obsession or is this just more of the episode theme of "Sookie is bad"? Or does Bill conveniently have no memory of the fact that the only reason Sookie even knew Debbie [the she wolf that fed on the then dying Bill] is that she (Sookie) went to Mississippi to rescue his *ss.) Jessica basically says that she knows Sookie can be a pain, but that this time it is different and that Sookie and Bill are different than Sookie and anyone else. Bill has a tender moment with Jessica where he tells her to take care of herself and says that he thinks he has done well.

There is a lot of contrast in these two maker/progeny scenes. Eric levels with Pam about The Authority and Russell and then releases her to protect her. Bill characteristically tells Jessica nothing about what is going on, leaving her to be very surprised if either Russell or The Authority decide to come calling.

The sadists at The Authority:

We are in Salome's bedroom at The Authority. Salome has finally put on some clothes and Roman is relaxing in bed watching a livestream of Nora being tortured on his Apple computer (lots of Apple product placement this season). Roman asks Salome how they can find out who Nora is conspiring with to bring him down. Salome advises him to continue torturing Nora (you have to love Salome - she is truly the devil in a Sunday hat). Roman says if Nora does not give up her co-conspirators, she will be publicly executed as an example to other Sanguinistas. But first he wants Salome to talk to her. (Could Salome have been waiting to go to Nora's aid until she convinced Roman that it was his idea for her to talk to Nora?)

Back to our cute chancellors who are sitting around the table, keeping track of Bill and Eric via the GPS on their Auto-Stakes. The sadistic Dieter clicks on a different web cam stream and sees Nora praying so he turns on the UV rays (Kwebe reacts imperceptibly when this happens) and then Dieter states that the Vampyr Bible was written by a friend of his who was high at the time. Rosalyn chides him, telling him that Roman does not like them to disparage the Vampyr Bible.

Salome and Roman go to talk to Nora who is quite willing to be staked by now. Salome says she is her sister and she will not accept it (she has no problem with them continuously burning her, however). Roman says if you don't care about yourself, how about Eric and Bill? She says kill them, they are practically dead right now. But when Roman pulls out his Iphone to do just that, she relents and asks what assurances can they give her that they will be allowed to live. Salome bites her wrist and puts her blood on Nora's chest promising with her blood that they will be safe. Nora then whispers a name to Salome or maybe not.

Back at the Authority table. Roman is walking around talking about how his stake was made from the tree that Judas Iscariot used to hang himself. Everyone is nervous (who wouldn't be?). Dieter suggest that they adjourn as they all have pressing matters to attend to. Roman says they cannot leave because their quarters are being searched and lo and behold, the guards come back with yet another Apple computer - one that belongs to the mouthy kid - Chancellor Drew. It seems that Chancellor Drew has a vampire version of a YouTube video on his computer showing the cute little Drew sadistically killing a screaming woman. Drew says it is just a souvenir of his past and they all have fed from humans. But Roman says this little souvenir has been sent all over the world to the rebels with a message of solidarity.

Roman stakes the runt, and he, Dieter and Rosalyn are all bathed in vamp goo (this was wonderful). Roman then goes into a diatribe telling Drew's goo to tell his constituents "You will…fall in line. Am I understood?." The goo did not reply.

Kwebe looks very nervous during this melee making me wonder if Nora and maybe Salome are not in cahoots with Kwebe and either Salome or Nora threw the mouthy kid in the fire to appease Roman's search for a traitor. If I were Rosalyn, I would be really nervous because I somehow doubt Salome has any affection for her. She supposedly has affection for Nora and just look at how much fun Nora has had in the last few days.

Jason and Andy:

The "fix my son's ticket" Judge comes by to see Andy. He first teases Andy about his Facebook fame, but then he invites his now-fellow-pervert Andy and the famously-perverted Jason to a private party. He tells them they need to get dressed up for the event and he will pick them up at seven.

That evening, a "dressed up" Jason walks into Andy's office and Andy tells him that the Pelts have gone back to Jackson, saying they found out what they needed to know. Andy is still suspicious and is going to ask his new judge friend for a search warrant to search all the homes nearby including Sookie's. This must really upset Jason, because Jessica (feeling Jason's fear) vamp speeds to the station to supposedly discuss the Debbie Pelt case with Andy. She glamours Andy out of his search plan and tells him that he has no more interest in the Debbie Pelt case and cannot even remember her name, her parents or her car. Jason says Jessica is a good friend. Jessica, a bit remorseful about glamouring a human, agrees that she is.

So it is off to the party. Andy and Jason and the Judge climb into the back of a limousine filled with beautiful women. These beautiful women fasten the guy's seat belts and then put hoods over their heads. The limousine arrives at Claude's meadow and the fairies walk our partygoers to the middle of the field where they knock on an invisible portal and then voila, they enter a circus themed magical burlesque club which is part whorehouse and part Cirque du Soleil. Jason is taken in hand by a beautiful blonde named Leda and Andy sees Murella again who is happy to see him and kisses him.

Leda is making out with Jason when she reads his mind that he is thinking about a vampire girl. Jason quickly catches on that this is some kind of fairy club and then he sees Hadley who is working as a cigarette girl. Hadley is slightly askew; she looks like smushed marzipan. Hadley is thrilled to see Jason and even more thrilled to find out that Sookie is alive, but tells Jason that he has to go get Sookie and bring her here. Hadley asks if Jason is a refugee from the vampires who she says will kill anyone who has even a drop of fairy blood just like they killed Jason's parents. Hadley sees Leda approaching and tells Jason that she has said too much. Leda tells Hadley to go away. Jason tries to follow up and is stopped by two fairy bouncers who throw him and Andy (who tried to come to Jason's resuce) out of the club and then they fairy zap them as they lie in the field.

Hint: The fairies are probably not the good guys in this story and are most likely "lying liars who lie.".

And now for our minor story lines:


Sam is working at Merlottes's when Arlene tells him that Barack and Hillary are there and they are asking for him. Don't get too excited. It is just Suzanne and Emory from the beginning of Season IV, but they are always delightful, so why not? But Sam is less than pleased because the agreement at his shifter support group is that they stay out of each other's lives (just like Sam and Luna have?). Suzanne and Emory know about Sam and Luna's little spat but they say that Sam needs to spend time with his friends and doesn't he want to go on a run? Sam says he does and he will meet them later, but in the meantime, they need to pay for their lunch and nothing is particularly good at his restaurant. I don't get the churlishness. Suzanne and Emory are a lot of fun and add a bit of glamour to the show whenever they appear.

Or I should say "added a bit of glamour' because when Sam arrives ay Suzanne's beautiful home that night he finds Suzanne and Emory outside waiting for him with a nice spread of food and holes in their heads. So much for the upscale residents of the Bon Temp/Shreveport area.

Patrick and Terry:

Patrick and Terry are driving to South Dakota when Patrick falls asleep and dreams of a night in Iraq. It was the fourth of July and a squadron of Marines are getting drunk in a prayer tower so they can see the fireworks. They leave one sentry below on watch. When a young boy arrives to protest the use of the prayer tower as a den of debauchery, the drugged-up sentry shoots the kid. His distraught family arrives to protest the death of their son and some random sniper starts to fire and in the end, the boy's entire family is lying dead on the street. No wonder Terry can't sleep.

Patrick and Terry arrive at their destination in South Dakota and enter a shed to find a trap door under a tarp. They go downstairs and find a bunker decorated with images of the fire (I assume the Marines started a fire to cover up the crime) and occupied by a crazed man with a gun

Notes: The vampire plot this season is supposed to be between the main-streaming Authority and the Sanguinistas who only regard humans as food. But just like in real life where Baptist mothers and their daughters dance in the aisles at Mamma Mia (plot: woman does not know which of three men fathered her daughter) and Christian right teenagers love The Hangover, the vampire world does not neatly divide into two extremes. Most vampires seem to be in the middle like Jessica who is a very kind girl who regularly feeds on humans without killing them and Pam who is not a very kind woman, but who also regularly feeds on humans without killing them. Even mean girl Pam is not a sadist like little Drew. And Roman, our supposed main stream icon is as sadistic as they get. But hey, True Blood is gumbo not black and white cookies and that is why we like it. Nothing is ever as it first appears.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.




True Blood

Season V, Episode 3
Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Season V Episode 2 ended with the image of Russell, crackled by rivulets of blood, moaning and lying on a filthy hospital bed. But hey, vamps can't get infections, right?

So what happens to our happy (and unhappy campers) this week:

Sookie, Lafayette, Tara and Alcide: Tara is in the woods, watching the silver burns heal on her hands. She looks up and the night sky is utterly stunning viewed with her now heightened vampire senses. But her reverie is quickly broken when she hears pesky Sookie and Lafayette clomping through the bushes, calling out "We only want to help." Miss Tara has had enough of their help, thank you very much, so she vamp speeds off and runs across a young girl changing a tire by the side of the road. The young lady asks Tara for help, Tara flashes fang, the young lady says she is a vampire rights supporter, Tara attacks and we have opening credits.

When we next see Tara, she has our unfortunate motorist pinned to the hood of the car and is about to take a big bite. She sees a cross hanging on the car mirror, and has a moment of reason and lets her victim go with an apology. Next she is off to Merlottes's where she hides in the bushes, waiting for Sam to leave work.

Desperate to find her missing friend, Sookie visits Pam at Fangtasia to ask her to "call" Tara. Sookie tells Pam that if she will just get Tara to come to Fangtasia, she and Lafayette will take her home and not bother Pam anymore. Pam is busy speed-texting Eric and tells Tinker Belle to get lost. She, Pam has more important things on her mind since Eric is missing and so is Bill even though Jessica thinks he is out of town on business. Pam says that only time Eric and Bill do anything together, it is to risk their lives to save Sookie. Sookie is upset to hear that Eric is missing but she tells Pam that she and Eric and Bill are not together anymore. Pam gives a "If only!" Sookie gets in Pam's face and yells at her to call her progeny, Tara. Pam shoves the Sook across the room and Sookie retaliates for Pam's bad manners and irresponsible parenting by fairy blasting her into the ceiling. Totally bad ass and one down for our Sook.

Sookie returns home where she and Lafayette try to clean up the kitchen while worrying out loud about where Tara is, what she is doing, what she might tell people happened to her (there is that nasty business of the dead Debbie Pelt) and most importantly, does Tara know she has to go to ground when the sun comes up? These two will make great parents someday.

At Merlottes's, Tara is guzzling down a six pack of True Blood (thank the Goddesses that Tara does not turn up her nose at True Blood like the newly turned Jessica did) while Sam tries to get her to tell him what happened. Sam wants to call Sookie and Lafayette, but Tara makes him promise not to. But before they can have much of a conversation, Tara simply passes out (the sun is coming up) and is caught by Sam before she falls off her bar stool. It appears that bar owner Sam has performed this particular move before.

Sam puts Tara in the walk-in freezer and tapes a big sign to the door stating that the freezer is out of order and no one is to open the door. That's right, he put her in the freezer.

Terry and Arlene are in the kitchen arguing (hardly anything happens with these love birds in this episode so they don't get their own recap section and will have to share Sookie and Co's). Terry tells Arlene that he does not want to lie to her, but he and Patrick are going somewhere and he cannot tell her where, what or how long. Arlene is not pleased and she tells Terry that she won't be there waiting when he returns. Terry looks sad and leaves anyway. I hope he doesn't believe her. We certainly don't.

Sookie and Lafayette come to Merlottes's to report to work (and it does not make the local news). Sookie goes into Sam's office to ask if he has heard from Tara. Sam, knowing that Sookie can read his mind, starts frantically thinking about her boobs and her smell and Sookie gets the funniest look on her face. But it is to no avail, even the thought of Sookie's boobs does not prevent the random thought about Tara in the freezer from flitting across Sam's brain. Sookie asks Sam why he did not call her and Sam tells her that Tara made him promise not to and he asks Sookie to please tell him what happened. Sookie tells him that Tara was dead and they had to do something and the less Sam knows about why Tara was dead, the better for everyone. Sam tells her he understands and he wishes he had done more to save Tommy (Tommy as a vampire? I don't think so especially since the Fabulous Three are no longer around to mentor him.) Sookie and Sam hug it out, boob thoughts or not.

Alcide is shopping at a lumber yard when Debbie Pelt's parents approach him and ask him if he knows where their daughter is. They tell him that the Sheriff told them that Debbie's car was found on Hummingbird Road (Sookie lives on Hummingbird Road). Mrs. Pelt tells Alcide that she knows that he and Debbie had a fight and that Debbie had called to say she was coming home to Jackson but she never made it. Alcide tells him it wasn't just a fight, he abjured her because she was a V addict and was sleeping with the packmaster. The Pelts are not pleased.

Back at Merlottes's, the sun has gone down and Lafayette wakes up Tara with a True Blood. She is still furious. Just then, Alcide comes to Merlottes's to warn Sookie that Debbie's car was found close to her home. Sookie blows him off and says everything is fine and she has to get back to work. Alcide tells her that this is crazy: he tells her that Russell Edgington is loose and now Debbie and she just acts like nothing is going on. Just then a blood-soaked and newly vampirized Tara explodes into the room, shocking everyone especially Arlene and tells Alcide that Sookie does not want him to know about the terrible thing she did because then he won't think she is so special. Tara does not linger to explain whether this terrible thing is having Pam turn Tara or Sookie shooting Debbie, although I doubt Tara saw that saw the latter or comprehended it if she did since she was missing half her brain at the time. Tara is off again.

Alcide grabs Sookie's arm and marches her outside and makes Sookie tell him what happened. She does. He is furious because she did not tell him before and was going to let him to search for Debbie. He tells her that he has always had Sookie's back since he met her. Sookie is crying as she explains that she could not tell him because he loved Debbie and forgave her for everything she did. Alcide hits a random truck in rage and walks off as Sookie call after him that she has to know if he is going to tell anyone. This is the last we see of Alcide this episode so we are supposed to wonder if Alcide will betray Sookie's confidence. To which I say, "As if?"

Back in the kitchen of Merlottes's, a stressed out Lafayette is being berated by Arlene for turning Tara. Arlene is also upset because the gumbo is not ready. A furious Lafayette pours a bottle of bleach into the gumbo and then looks in the mirror to see his demon mask has appeared. He totally freaks and pours the gumbo down the disposal.

The last we see of newly vamped Tara is when she breaks into a tanning salon, climbs into one of the beds and turns it and begins screaming and sizzling. Pam who is connected to this progeny even though she does not want to be, looks up from speed calculating the night's receipts and says, "Stupid bitch." Will she rescue her? Well, duh, yes. Tara has been signed on for the entire season.

Eric, Bill and The Authority: Bill and Eric are on their knees, still playing cat-and-mouse with the rabid lions of The Authority. It gets worse. Roman, Salome, Kwebe, Alex, Rosalyn and Dieter hold a COMMITTEE Meeting. Whatever happened to hedonism? You would think being a vampire would spare you such aggravation but I guess no; mainstream vampires participate in religious ceremonies and serve on committees. No wonder Russell went feral. Anyway the committee is divided with Kwebe and Salome supporting letting Bill and Eric try to put Russell back in the ground. Alex, Rosalyn and Dieter are pissed because these boys were not blindly obedient and want them staked. Roman dismisses the committee and then tells the boys that the only thing worse rose than a 3000 year old pissed off vampire is a 3000 year old pissed off vampire that has been starved for a year. Roman then send the boys away.

Roman sends for the new Nan Flanigan - Steve Newlin - who look extremely pleased to be brought to the seat of vampire power. Roman explains to Steve that he might need his services because it appears that even though Nan Flanigan went on national television to say that Russell Edgington was dead, he is not. Steve, who has some crazy idea that he is on equal footing with Roman, pooh-poohs Russell's supposed return as conjecture, stating that humans are incredibly gullible and still think they see Elvis. Roman practically hisses at his uppity new servant. He then teaches Steve a lesson in groveling, explaining in sneering tones that humans are our ancestors and should not be disrespected and this council is the only thing preventing civil war. He grabs Newlin by the face and picks him up from the ground. I really wanted Roman to bitch slap him even though Newlin is probably into that sort of thing. Newlin assures Roman that if he needs to "public relationize" a Russell sighting, he won't let him down. Roman dismisses Newlin like the fly he is. Salome then give us the exposition that Newlin he was recruited because of his influence with the religious right. See - vampires are not always smart.

Deep in the bowels of the Authority, Eric and Bill are being fitted with Auto Stakes by Tina Majorino (Heather on Big Love). Tina/Heather explains to Bill and Eric that these stakes are basically court ordered ankle bracelets with a twist - they look like S & M harnesses and are controlled by an Iphone. And if the boys make a wrong move or attempt to remove them, they will be staked. Tina/Heather then tells them that they are "Too cute to be goo." Agreed.

Then it is on to Salome, the most complex character in True Blood history. Salome channels the snake in the Garden of Eden. She slithers about and talks a lot, but all the while her hidden agendas (that's right - agendas) ooze out from under her veil (sorry, could not resist).

Salome meets Bill in the basement and tells him a sad story about how she was a sexually abused child. According to Bill's new friend, Salome, that business about John The Baptist's head was just politics and the story told about her in the Bible was just a fable. She explains that the human Bible is just a little better than US Weekly. She also says that the humans of her youth were far more savage than vampires, making this writer wonder just how committed is she to mainstreaming. Exposition over, it's on to the seduction. Salome tells Bill that she has been following his political career and when he demurs that he is just a small town monarch, she tells him that humility is for humans. Salome soldiers on, telling Bill he still has a heart (right!) and Bill then does what he does best - skips the preliminaries and slams her up against a wall and has at it.

Next Salome invites Eric to her absolutely stunning bedroom - no nasty basement for our Sheriff. She asks why Eric has not tried to save Nora. He says what choice does he have and she replies that there are always choices (telling people who don't seem to have choices that there are always choices is a Salome theme). Salome tells him she sponsored Nora for her chancellorship and she knew Godric and she knew about when Eric was made and that Godric loved him best. Then off with her clothes because as she tells Eric, she wants to be his friend. And she is.

Rosalyn is enjoying torturing Nora with the silver drip. Rosalyn tells Nora that she thinks she betrayed the authority for love, but which one was it - the Sheriff or the King or perhaps both? When Rosalyn threatens to activate the boy's autostakes, Nora admits to being Sanguinista and says that Lilith will rip Rosalyn's f*cking head off. After watching Rosalyn torture Nora, I would love to watch the mythical Lilith rip off Rosalyn's head. Because bizarrely enough, my sympathy was totally with Nora even though if she was actually telling the truth, she would think nothing of killing humans. But somehow I don't think that is all to the story since Nora is Godric's progeny and Eric's sister vamp. Rosalyn is now added to my list of expendable vampires along with the coldly sadistic Dieter and that mouthy kid.

Bill and Eric conveniently meet in the elevator, a conveyance known by all to be surveillance camera free, so they feel free to talk. Eric reports that he had a visit from a certain Chancellor and Bill says me too, but that a gentleman does not brag about sloppy seconds. They both think this is grin worthy, but this remark of Bill's will be fodder for all the anti-Bill message boards because the subtext is that the last time Eric enjoyed sloppy seconds, it was Miss Sookie Stackhouse herself. Bad Bill.

Roman visits Salome to find her still bare-assed naked, but up for her third sexual encounter of the night. He asks if she had fun and she replies that they boys are not Sanguinista, which certainly does not answer his question. Roman then tells her that Nora confessed to being Sanguinista. Salome tells him that he should think about modifying his agenda that there are assassination attempts, uprising in the Middle East and revolt in Estonia. She then says she is worried about him and he replies that he has nothing to fear with her as his secret weapon. Right Roman. Yes Roman, you should feel very safe walking through the funhouse mirrors of The Authority with Salome as your Captain America.

Jason and Andy: Andy is at the police station and he discovers Rosie and Kevin admiring the Facebook photo of his bare butt. He is yelling at them about spending the tax payers dollars surfing porn just as Debbie Pelt's parents arrive to ask about their daughter. Andy has obviously called them to tell them about finding her car.

Jason goes grocery shopping and runs into Miss Steeler, his teacher from 15 years ago. This is a teacher that Jason obviously liked a lot and she liked him. Miss Steeler attempts to apologize to Jason for liking him as much as she did, but he shushes her and asks which pickles does she like - crunchy or sweet.

Jason goes home with Miss Steeler who serves him a cup of tea. Miss Steeler's cat does not like Jason and hisses at him (ut oh - foreshadowing). Miss Steeler asks him if he is married and Jason says that relationships have not worked out for him and then he lists the ones where they girls were murdered and the one who was married to a gay preacher and then on to his present situation of being f*ck buddies with the love of his best friend's life who just happens to be a teenage vampire. And he tells Miss Steeler that she taught him about the only thing he has ever been good at - sex.

Jason and Miss Steeler have at it on the floor and afterwards, Miss Steeler is happy and Jason is not. Out of the clear blue, he now says he realizes she was right about their school relationship being wrong, so he gets up and leave. That was a real WTF moment.

Andy goes to Merlottes's to ask Sookie about Debbie Pelt since Debbie Pelt's car was found on the road to Sookie's house and Jason told Andy that Sookie said Debbie was batshit crazy. Sookie says that Debbie was the girlfriend of a friend of hers and that Debbie was on V and behaved in an erratic manner. Andy picks on the fact that Debbie probably was not pleased that her boyfriend was friendly with Sookie and then says that V addicts deserve justice too. Sookie tells him that unless not liking someone is a crime, she is going back to work. Sookie is always good at bitch slapping Andy.

Andy then asks Holly to step outside where he first shows her the photo of Debbie which she does not recognize and then the photo of his butt which she does. Holly is furious with her boys for posting that photo on Facebook and says she will make them take it down. Andy tells her that Facebook already took it down, but it does not matter - he now has the most recognizable butt in town. Andy asks Holly to go steady. He actually said, "Take this thing to the next level," but go steady is what Holly assumes he meant. She replies that she is a witch, has two juvenile delinquent sons and a lives in a motel. He tells her that he lives with his grandmother (and Terry, Arlene and the kids), is an alcoholic, a recovered V addict and everyone in town has seen his butt. She replies, "How did I get so lucky?"

Lafayette is freaked out that Andy was asking about Debbie, but Sookie says it is no big deal as all of Andy's thoughts were about his butt being on Facebook, not Debbie. I don't blame Andy. That visual is a hard one to shake.

Pam: Pam is in her coffin and dreams she is back in San Francisco. Eric comes to her whore house where she offers him a choice of her ladies-of-the-night. He says he does not want the merchandise, he wants her. We are seeing the first glimpses of Eric and Pam's later platonic relationship, because Pam is not that interested in jumping his bones. Pam agrees anyway, but first she has him deal with two nasty vamps who are draining her merchandise. And guess what? The two vamps are those fun loving kids - Lorena and Bill. Lorena has glamoured the whore to ask to be drained as Bill chomps down on said whore's femoral artery. Eric throw Lorena against the wall and Bill tries to intervene and protect Lorena. Eric finds this highly amusing, but Lorena is panicked that Eric will kill her progeny. Eric decides not to kill Bill because it is not Bill's fault that Lorena never trained him to respect his elders. He tells Lorena to get Bill in check. Lorena thanks Eric and apologizes. Eric tells her to apologize to Pam and then Pam being Pam asks for $500 per drained hooker. Eric approves.

Afterwards they are in bed together and Pam asks Eric to turn her. He says she does not know what he she is asking. She tells him she will end up a pariah with syphilis and TB. He says that being a maker is a huge responsibility and one he is unwilling to undertake. Pam asks him to just turn her and leave her and Eric says that doing so would be like throwing a baby into a dumpster (Pam are you listening to your dreams?). Pam slits her wrists. Eric looks at her for a moment, fangs out and rushes to the task.

Jessica: Jessica is trying on clothes at Tracy's Togs and trash talking back at the proprietor who is making disparaging remarks about Jason. Faerie Claude comes in to pick up an order for his sixteen sisters - yes that is what he said. Jessica smells him and is entranced. Claude flees in his blue Volkswagen beetle. Jessica chases the car and finds it empty in the middle of a field. Claude has disappeared and Jessica runs around the field, smelling his scent and looking for him

Old f'upped Hoyt arrives at Fangtasia. He is gothed up in black mesh and eyeliner. Pam recognizes him and in a moment of random kindness tells him that they eyeliner is too much and they will eat him alive. He says that is what he wants. It does not look like Hoyt is going to make it through the season, especially if his purpose at Fangtasia is to act as bait for a staking party.

A very horny Jessica, hyped up by the smell of Claude, arrives at Jason's, prepared to jump his bones. Jason goes along with it at first, but then pulls back and says that he is not a mechanical bull to be mounted anytime she feels like it. Jessica, sensing something is quite different, asks what happened today and Jason tells her a bit about running into the teacher and how she seduced him when he was young and it felt so good that it was all he wanted from then on and that he uses sex to fill a hole inside him. Jessica says she will stay and they can just talk. Jason replies that he cannot be friends with a girl and Jessica tells him he already is and she will go put on some of his sweats and then she will listen and she might give advice and she might not, but she will listen. I just loved Jessica in this scene.

Notes: So what did we find out? Tara is a very angry vamp, but the oldl Tara is still inside (she has not bitten anyone except Sookie when she first exploded out of the ground), so there is hope. Sookie and Lafayette are a pretty terrific caretaking team. They get knocked down, but they pick themselves up and keep trying to do the right thing by their friend. Alcide is moving in on Sookie is fast as he can. The Authority is one f'cked up mess where no one is who they say they are. Everyone wears multiple masks except for Salome who is simply a chameleon. It looks like Eric and Bill will live to fight another day and I am just dying to find out what Eric is planning to do to help Nora. Nothing shows on his surface, but the man is a chess player and a good chess player never signal his moves.

P. S. There were some subtle hints that Salome knew about Sookie. She told Bill he still had a heart and she told Eric that he had been recently hurt. Telling Bill that he has a heart could have just been flattery and telling Eric that he had been hurt could have just been a good guess, but I do wonder.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.




True Blood
Season V, Episode 2

Authority Always Wins

Episode 2 of Season V opens with an explosion. Tara vamp speeds out of her grave and attacks Sookie and Lafayette. Lafayette cries to Pam to do something and Pam replies, "I am, I'm laughing." But then when Tara bites Sookie, Pam pulls her off and commands Tara "as her maker" to not bite these two humans. Pam then throws Tara into the house and tells her she has to stay there and then "sweet" Pam leaves saying she has a business to run. She does wish them luck. And to think we were mad at Bill in Season I for being such a dick maker. But before she leaves, Sookie asks Pam to heal her fang marks on her neck and Pam does even though that extra, prick healing, was not part of their deal. This was one of the oddest things that happened the entire episode. Perhaps Pam and Sookie will become friends in Season VI or VII of VIII. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just a skillfully buried plot point establishing that Tara's first taste of blood was Sookie's Top Shelf.

Roll the credits.

Here is what happened to each of our happy campers in Episode 2:

Sookie, Lafayette and Tara:

After Pam leaves, things do not improve (they never do when she leaves). Tara royally trashes the house that Eric beautifully restored for Sookie in Season IV. She is like a wild animal, a bull in a china shop. When Tara stops her rampage for a moment, perching on top of the sink like a cat, Sookie tells Lafayette to grab her. "How?" Lafayette hysterically replies. Sookie tells him to offer her a True Blood and Lafayette covers his neck with his sweater collar and gets a True Blood out of the cabinet. But this is to no avail. Tara attacks Lafayette, but she is "maker commanded" to not bite him so she throws her head back and wails and then continues on her rampage. On to Plan B. Lafayette follows her upstairs and cuts his arm to offer her blood. When Tara rushes to drink from him, Sookie throws silver chains around her neck and they drag her to Eric's cubby just before the sun comes up.

The most wonderful part of these scenes was seeing how much the characters of Sookie and Lafayette love Tara. Their only concern was taking care of their friend. Sookie's house was exploding yet again and all she and Lafayette did was worry about Tara. I really liked them in these scenes.

It is now daylight and Tara is safely asleep in the cubby. So having a few moments to deal with the impending return of Russell, Sookie goes shopping at the anti-vamp store and purchases a colloidal silver dispenser to put over her door. She hears the clerk's thoughts about he is part of an anti vamp movement so she warns him that staking humans or vamps is a Federal offense. I just love Sookie in her Sunday School teacher mode. But before they have that exchange, the clerk asks her if she wants something else and I certainly hope she said yes and bought a gun (she already has a shotgun and a pistol, but the more the merrier where Russell is concerned) with wooden bullets.

While Sookie is shopping, the TV is on at the store and we see Steve Newlin who is continuing the Nan and Steve show that played twenty-four seven in the previous Seasons. Only this time Nan has gone and Steve has switched sides and is now proudly telling the world that Jesus loves vamps.

After Sookie's excursion, she is arrives home and is installing her colloidal silver dispenser above her front door when she overhears Lafayette thinking about staking Tara as she sleeps. Lafayette is overcome with grief believing he had no right to do this to Tara just because he was lonely. Sookie rushes into the cubby and tells Lafayette that the Tara they know and love is inside this rabid animal and they just need to give her time. Nelsan Ellis and Anna Paquin really knocked it out of the park in this scene. Their faces were filled with love and grief over the loss of their best friend/cousin.

But their hopes for Tara are to no avail because when sun goes down, a Tara emerges that looks more like the real Tara and states that she will never forgive either of them for doing this to her. Then Tara vamp speeds out of the house only to be sprayed with colloidal silver as she exits. This should not have been funny but it was.

Bill and Eric:

A massive Humvee drives up to a nondescript warehouse in what we assume is New Orleans. The guards take the three prisoners (Bill, Eric and Nora) out of the vehicle and they enter the warehouse where they are greeted by Salome, a beautiful dark haired vampire. Nora immediately tells Salome that she did not betray them and that Bill and Erica are more valuable alive. Salome tells Nora that fairy tales are for children and she slaps her. Eric subtly reacts to this slap and we should probably assume that Salome noticed his reaction.

Then off they go into the building. Salome opens an antique electrical switch box to find a high-tech mechanism which pricks her finger, recognizes her blood and opens the door to the elevator to take them down to reception. The reception room looks like the lobby of any large prosperous business. But there is no time to linger. They are frog marched through the lobby, passing an ancient painting of Roman on their way to their cells.

When they are in their cells, a voice (we later recognize it as Dieter Braun) interrogates them asking why Chancellor Gainsborough chose to rescue them. Bill vamps up and says Nora was his prisoner and they should release Eric and Nora because they were following his orders. He is not believed and the ceilings of their cells douse them in UV rays.

The it is off to interrogation where Bill and Eric are hooked up to silver IV's as a method of torture. They are being questioned separately so their interrogators can break them with that old Law & Order trick of "Your partner in crime has already betrayed you, so why are you being loyal to him?" But this chicken is never going to fly with our boys because everyone (including vampires or especially vampires since they are up all night) watches Law & Order these days. We have no choice. L & O is like the Nan & Steve Show; it plays twenty four seven.

Bill is being interrogated by Dieter Braun, a truly creepy vamp. Dieter shows Bill a Bible and asks him if he recognizes it and Bill says he does. It is the Vampire (fancy spelling this season is Vampyr) Bible and according to both Bill and Dieter's exposition, it is the story of Lilith the first vampire. According to this Bible, God was supposedly a vampire and he created Lilith in his image and Adam and Eve were only created as a source of food for God's true children. Dieter asks Bill if he believes in the literal interpretation of the Bible and Bill says he does not. Dieter infuses him with silver just in case.

At the party next door, Salome tells Eric that Bill has told them everything and as a reward he has returned to his position as King of Louisiana. When asked if he has anything to say about that, Eric replies "Long live the King," which earns him a dose of silver. Salome tells Eric that Nora has met the true death and then asks him which one of them killed Nan Flanigan to which Eric replies, "Nan Flanigan is dead?" Another dose of silver for Eric.

Having withstood their torture without giving anything up, our boys are dragged back to their cells and later they are brought before Elliot Stabler aka Roman, the head of the authority and his council of cohorts. Roman proceeds to serve communion to the members of the Authority by cutting his wrist and giving each member a drop of his blood while he recites a litany in Aramaic. No wonder Eric wants no part of the Authority. What fun is it to be a vampire if you have to attend church? Nora is there and she is not dead (Salome is such a trickster). Nora tries to kneel to take this communion but is pulled up by a guard. Roman gently strokes Nora's cheek and says that she has not told him why she betrayed them even though she has been given many chances. She is then dragged off screaming.

Then on to the fun. Roman tells Bill and Eric that the Nan had always called them F*ck Up One and F*ck Up Two (she did not use the *'s, but she did not need to deal with internet censors). That Nan was such a kidder. He then explains to them that he is the Authority and basically when he gives an order it is to be obeyed and that True Death of Eric means True Death for Eric. Then Roman wants to know if they are members of the Sanguinista movement to which Bill replies "To what?" Eric says that he tries to stay out of politics and religion. It seems Sanguinistas are opposed to the Authority's regime of co-existence with humans.
Roman then asks them if they have anything to say before he pronounces sentence and Bill bargains their lives for the life of Russell who has escaped entombment. When Bill says that Russell is not dead there is a lot of WTF'ing going on at the council table as they had been assured by Nan Flanigan that Russell met the true death. When asked why they let Russell live, Bill replies that the true death was too good for him. Roman is incredulous and asks again why they would leave him alive and just entomb him and Eric replies, that "He pissed me off and I pissed him off. You know how these things go."

Roman is enraged and almost stakes Bill but pulls back because as he sanctimoniously explains, unlike FUI and FUII, he can put aside his desires for the common good.

Chris Meloni's Roman is a superb addition to the True Blood universe. He is both sexy and terrifying, always a good choice --- on the television screen.

Alcide, Sam and Luna:

We are now back at the ritualistic funeral in the woods where Marcus's former pack are all shifting and eating Marcus's recently entombed body (wouldn't it be fun if it was Russell instead? Or maybe not. Russell is an hysterical villain.). Hot naked werewolf chick from Episode One is now dressed and asks Alcide if he would like a bite (of Marcus, not her - perhaps in a later episode). Alcide and the viewers want nothing to do with this ritual. Marcus's mother Martha approaches Alcide and says that her son deserves respect and Alcide replies that he disagrees. Martha also tells him that since he killed the pack master he is now pack master according to their law. Alcide disagrees with this too and leaves with Sam and Luna.

Luna takes Sam home and is tending to his wounds when Martha comes calling to inquire about her grandchild. This is the same grandchild that her pack just threatened with torture last episode if Sam did not quit shifting into a bird and flying away. Luna and the viewers are less than pleased to see Martha even thought the actress totally brought it home. Martha says that she knows that Emma is a wolf and that she will need a pack. Martha leaves telling Sam that she is sorry about his injuries. Now she tells him.

After Martha leaves, Sam tries to tell Luna that Martha had a point; if Emma is a wolf, she will need a pack. And after all perhaps a little sympathy is in order because Martha just lost her son to which Luna and the viewers reply that Martha just ate her son. Luna then loses it and throw Sam out. Perhaps this was a bit of an overreaction on Luna's part, but I'm really with her on the rage. No right thinking mother would want her darling little girl to join a nasty gang and Emma's father's pack is totally EWW!

But Sam's words about Emma needing a pack have a different meaning later in the evening when Luna hears Emma playing around in her room instead of going to bed like she is supposed to. Luna opens the door to her daughters room to see an absolutely adorable wolf puppy dressed in Emma's green pajamas. Utterly amazing and hysterical. Every time I remember that visual, I smile.

Terry and Arlene and Patrick:

Terry is sleep walking and terrorizing Arlene. But even when awake, Terry is having panic attacks and acting like a jerk. This is not good.

Arlene visits Patrick at the God forsaken motel (Bon Temps desperately needs a Super 8) to find out just what is going on with her husband. Patrick gives up nothing about Terry. (P. S. Scot Foley sure is easy on the eyes.) Terry interrupts the meeting and asks Arlene to leave. He then tells Patrick that he does know where they can find a former member of their platoon that they suspect may be nuts and might know something about the fires. So off to see the Wizard they go!

Pam and Ginger:

Pam, still dressed in her adorably tacky yellow sweats which are now covered in dirt, arrives at Fangtasia to find a concerned Ginger who tells her that she had to open the bar alone. Ginger asks why Pam is so dirty and Pam replies that she had to sleep in the ground and just what is Ginger's excuse. Oh that Pam.

Pam then proceeds to put on her lipstick before she showers and changes. The lipstick triggers a flash back to the first time Pam met Eric - in 1905 San Francisco. Pam is working as a madam in a brothel doing things like dispensing coke to an employee out of a ring on her finger. Pam goes to one of the rooms to see what is taking so long with one of her girls and finds said employee's bloody dead naked body. Pam then says "Goddamn them." Them, hmm. Could it be we are about to see fun loving Bill and Lorena again?

Later in the flashback, Pam is walking home on a darkened street when she is accosted by a man who tries to kill her. A very hot looking Eric dressed in a top hat, rescues her. Eric notices that she is not afraid and saying that a lady should be careful being out on a night like this and Pam replies that if she sees a lady, she will tell her. Eric is obviously intrigued, smiles at Pam (the viewers melt), checks out her cleavage and vamp speeds away. I hope we have more of this next week.

Andy and Jason:

Andy and Jason are on patrol with Andy driving. Andy tells Jason that he had sex. Jason says join the club and Any replies that he was not saying that he had sex for the first time. Andy complains that now his girl is avoiding him but Jason thinks this is good as now Andy can, "Eat the pie without buying the cow." Yup that is what he said.

Andy and Jason then find Debbie Pelt's car. Jason sees her ID in the glove box and tells Andy that Debbie is Alcide's crazy girlfriend and wonders why since the missing Debbie lives in Shreveport her car is in Bon Temp. Well, we know why.

Back at the station, Jason is watching Steve Newlin impersonate Nan Flanigan yet again when a young man comes in an punches him out for sleeping with his Mom and causing his parents to get a divorce. Jason does not recognize the young man's mother by name and has to be shown a cell phone photo to remember her as Crazy Sharon. This totally enrages Sharon's son. Andy pulls him off and asks Jason if he has slept with everyone in the county and Jason replies, "Pretty much."

Later Jason drops by Maxine's house and tries to patch things up with Hoyt, but Hoyt is not buying and overuses the F word much to dear Maxine's chagrin. Jason says he is sick of messing up people's lives and wants to make it right. Maxine tells Jason to leave, but as he is leaving she thanks him for breaking up her dear boy and that vamp and tells him she is going to bake him a pie. I love Maxine. She is pure evil but fun.


Jessica is still having her interminable "Daddy's away, kids will play" party with all the lights on again (this girl has obviously never attended a kegger). Steve Newlin arrives to join in the festivities, dancing into the house under Jessica's arm. One of Jessica's guests says that before Newlin was a vampire, he was a massive dick. To which Newlin adorably replies, "I know."

Newlin then asks Jessica to meet with him privately. Jessica takes him into Bill's office. Steve then proceeds to offer her $10,000 in cash for Jason Stackhouse. Jessica negotiates for a higher price, asking if Steve has seen Jason's butt which she says is so hard you could chip a fang on it. Steve replies that of course he has, that is why he is offering $10,000. Jessica gets him up to $20,000 and then tells him it is no deal that Jason is her friend, she does not sell her friends and besides her Dad is the King of Louisiana to which Steve replies, "Not anymore." This royally upsets Jessica who has a wonderful hair pulling fight with Steve (please do that every episode). She wins and kicks Steve and everyone else out of her house. This scene was beautifully played and was probably the best timed scene in the entire episode.


Bill appeared to redeem himself in this episode. (I say appeared to redeem because it is True Blood and nothing is ever what it seems). I liked him for the first time since Season II. Granted he had ulterior motives when he tried to take all the blame upon himself (if Eric was spared he could help Sookie and Jessica), but nevertheless, he truly vamped up and his motives seemed pure.

I am dying to know what is really going on with Nora. We never saw her being tortured except for the UV rays and we really don't know if her cell had real UV rays. This could all be a set up. She was in remarkably good shape during the scene in the Authority chambers. We were spoiled that she is a double agent, but "me thinks" there is more to the story than Nora wanting to eat humans indiscriminately and therefore wanting to bring Roman down. There was one wonderful clue that these Authority members are not drinking true blood themselves - the PA announcement about a desanguination chamber. I doubt very seriously that chamber was being used on vamps. So what is so awful about an existence where you get to be a hypocrite in public and drink as much real blood as you want in private? Isn't that what Nan and Bill did and Republicans-in-favor-of-family-values-but-on-their-third wife do? I know they have to participate in that silly religious ritual and listen to Roman drone on and on, but surely that is only part of their day. These little irritations don't appear to be enough to make someone "join the revolution."

Also, back at the dock, the swat team could have taken them all out, but they only killed Nora's supposedly dear friends, their rescuers, who we were lead to believe are a group of fundamentalists who consider humans to be only food. Could that have been the entire purpose of a charade? Setting it up so the Authority could kill a group of underground Sanguinistas (Nora did use her cell phone which could have been traced). Could it be that Bill and Eric are being tortured to confirm Nora's assessment that they are not part of the Anti-Authority group? Hmm. I guess we will see.

P. S. If Roman is really torturing Nora in the preview for next week. Roman is in for some nasty surprises this season. In the world of True Blood, everyone gets theirs.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.




True Blood
Season V, Episode 1
Turn, Turn, Turn

Alan Ball and team knocked it out of the park with the opening of Season V. There were none of the usual "great I've got time to go to the bathroom" moments during the "peripheral" (think Mickens) stories.

So what did we learn?

1. Sookie has devised an efficient body disposal system and should consider opening her own Sunshine Cleaning Service.

2. Eric also has a talent for tidying up.

3. Lingerie stores need to stock little black gloves

4. Wal-mart has already contacted their Indonesian suppliers to order thousand of yellow sweat suits decorated with kittens for Halloween.

4. We get a good clue why vampires (and Alcide) don't like werewolves. They must have attended a were funeral.

5. The odd umbrella can be used for a variety of things.

So what happened to our happy campers:

Sookie, Tara, Lafayette, Pam and (some of) Alcide: Their story starts where it left off in Season IV. Sookie drives her little yellow car home after rescuing then dumping Bill and Eric to find Debbie in her kitchen with a shotgun. Tara attempts to rescue Sookie and loses a good portion of her head as a thank you. Sookie then takes off Debbie's head with the same shotgun.

We cut to the boys on their hands and knees sucking vamp goo with a wet vac who simultaneously say "Sookie" as they feel her fear. Eric then says "F*ck Sookie" and reminds Bill that they have been dumped and they have bigger problems with the Authority breathing down their necks and Bill's palace being polluted with pureed vampire.

However, supposedly unbeknownst to Eric, Pam miraculously and instantly arrives at Sookie's to "look for her maker." She did not go to Bill's where Eric actually is. HMM. Perhaps her maker-locator sonar was off that night.

Sookie and Lafayette bargain with Pam to turn Tara. Pam is reluctant because as she points out, Tara is missing a lot of her head and could end up "f*ck-tarded." But nevertheless, Pam is persuaded and into the ground go both Tara and Pam. Pam is attired in one of Sookie's yellow sweat suits which is embellished with embroidered kittens. Yes, that's right - yellow kittens.

Sookie and Lafayette then proceed to put on some yellow (it's the in color this episode) rubber gloves and begins to pick up what is left of Debbie Pelt, wrap her in a shower curtain and supposedly (hopefully) take her somewhere far away to bury. Before diving into the Debbie goo, Lafayette asks Sookie why she just doesn't go to the police and let them clean up this mess seeing as how Debbie was in Sookie's house uninvited and ended up getting shot with her own shot gun and Sook is a white girl and all. Sookie then says it wasn't self defense, that she had a choice, she had a moment to think, she could have turned her into the cops but she decided to shoot her anyway. One big high five for Sookie!

Then it is off to bury Jesus (boy did Alan Ball leave a mess in Episode 12/Season IV). Sookie drives Lafayette to his home and volunteers to take care of this one by herself since it will be too much for Lafayette. But Lafayette insists that he needs to bury Jesus so he can say goodbye. They enter Lafayette's house to find no dead Jesus which means they can throw that shower curtain in the back of Sook's car to have handy for the next body.

At this point our campers are utterly exhausted and return to Sook's house to bathe and get ready for Tara's resurrection. They bathe (not together) and Sookie has just gotten dressed when Alcide arrives to tell Sookie that Russell Edgington has escaped his concrete prison and that he (Alcide not Russell) wants Sookie to come live with him for her protection. Sookie protest that she has to stay where she is (she really does - remember what's in the backyard) and besides Alcide would not want her to come stay with him if he knew the reason she could not come stay with him. She is just about to tell him what happened last night when Lafayette explodes down the stairs (having recovered from his Lady Macbeth moment and deciding not to off himself with Sookie's plastic pink razor) and tells Alcide to get the hell out and they are through with supernatural shit except of course for the unmentioned vamp grave in the backyard and the missing dead brujo. Yeah, except for that stuff.

Night falls and our catatonic hungry protagonists go outside to sit by the grave and wait for the "rising" with a handy six pack of True Blood. First out is Pam complaining that she has dirt in her bra. But no Tara. Sookie cleans the dirt off of a dead-looking Tara's head. Sookie is crying her eyes out when something explodes from the ground and attacks. Welcome back Tara!

Jason, Steve Newlin and Jessica:

Vamp Steve Newlin calls on Jason to hopefully win his love and sympathy. They begin their conversation as Jason stands nude at the door with the door edge covering his full frontal - one hot look.

Newly vamped Newlin finally catches Jason's eye, glamors him and gets in the house and tells him that he is a "Proud Gay American Vampire" and he is in love with Jason. Jason explains to Reverend Newlin (that is what he is still calling him) that his dog does not bark that way. Newlin gets mad and tries to bite Jason, but but no go because Jessica vamp speeds into the house and kicks his ass. Jason rescinds his invitation and Newlin leave professing his love for Jason. Jessica then proceeds to do to Jason just what darling Steve was dreaming of doing. Jason's dog does bark her way.

Later Jason goes to Bill's house where Jessica is entertaining a bunch of college kids she picked up at Merlottes by hosting what looks like a chaperoned sweet sixteen party. This is exactly the kind of party that pre-vamped Jessica must have dreamed of having. But the funny part is that these college kids think playing guitar on the Wii with all the lights on is fun.

Jessica is less than thrilled to see Jason, explaining that even though she told Newlin that Jason was hers, she still wants to remain uncommitted. Jason says that is fine with him (it isn't), takes off his cop uniform shirt so as not to scare her friends and is promptly jumped by a hot college girl.

Hey, it isn't easy being "friends with benefits" when your friend is just as hot as you are and the moment you turn your head will be under the table with a new "friend with benefits."

Oh well, they will just have to figure this out for themselves.

Sam, Luna and Alcide (again):

When we left Sam last Season, a wolf was growling at him As the new Season opens, it is a pack. He tells them that they will not be able to figure this out unless one of them changes so they can talk and one of them does and guess what - she is a really hot naked girl. Really hot naked girl tells Sam that she thinks he killed her pack leader, Marcus. Sam tells them he didn't and then strips and birds it out of there.

Sam then flies to Luna's, shifts back and is warning her that the weres will be after her too when the hot naked werewolf comes for him again and threatens Emma. So good guy Sam confesses to the murder he did not commit and walks off with the naked were woman. There is a nice shot of their departure.

Sam is being tortured when an old tough looking werewolf named Martha intervenes. She promises to not hurt Luna or her daughter if Sam will tell her where Marcus's body is so the pact can complete a ritual (there was no dum de dum dum music, but there should have been). Sam agrees and takes them to the grave where they unearth Marcus's body. They are just about to put Sam into the now empty grave when Alcide appears and tells them that he killed Marcus. Then it gets strange. Several of the pack members bow to Alcide, one old man gets in Alcide's face and then the pack (except for Alcide) turn into wolves and eat Marcus's newly unearthed body starting with the intestines. I know they are dogs but my oh my - that was the most disgusting scene in True Blood history.

Bill, Eric and Nora:

Bill is running to Sookie's aid with Eric behind him when they are captured with silver nets and thrown into the back of a car. Next we see the front seat of the car speeding down the highway. There is a beautiful women in the front seat, a man is driving and the radio is playing Paul McCartney's "Silly Love Songs." This was truly priceless.

Bill and Eric are in the trunk of the car. They find an umbrella and puncture the gas tank, use the wooden handle to create a spark and blow up the car, freeing themselves in the process. They are at a dock filled with shipping containers and well - ships. Bill is hurt and Eric helps him, saying he won't leave him (this is getting odder and odder). Then the driver appears with a gun (with wooden bullets I presume) asking who wants to die first. That question is quickly answered when the beautiful woman recycles the umbrella and uses it to rip out the driver's spine.

Eric passionately kisses the woman who rescued them. Bill asks if they know each other. It is Nora, Eric's vampire sister, another Godric progeny. Then things get even stranger. Nora and Eric tell Bill of all people that Nora and Eric's relationship is a secret and then Nora says that she would have helped Bill even if she was not rescuing her brother because she appreciated what Bill did with the necromancers and that his being sentenced to the true death for stopping the witch proves just how out of touch the authority is. This confiding in Bill is as odd as Eric's "F*ck Sookie" while Pam simultaneously appeared at Sook's. Did Nora forget that Bill just asked the Authority for a warrant to stake her "beloved" brother? I know it was last season, but come on.

Next on the agenda is to find an empty shipping container in which to spend the day. But just before they go to ground, Eric and Nora christen the shipping container with hot sex (they are certainly not like Edward and Alice of Twilight) while Bill stand waiting outside like a college freshman whose roommate is always banging the hot chicks. The look on his face was one of the best things about this episode, right up there with Andy's bottom.

Eric and Nora's family reunion is interrupted when Alcide calls to give Eric the unwelcome news that Russell has escaped.

The extraction team arrives to pick up our boys giving them new papers - Marcellus Clark for Bill and Ike Applebaum for Eric (imagine Eric spending an eternity with that name). But ut oh! More Authority goons appear, the extraction team is turned into piles of vampire goo and our merry threesome is taken captive by The Authority and they are on their way to see Chris Meloni.

Holly and the Sheriff:

One of the best scenes in Episode I is when Holly's good-for-nothing boys arrive home early and find Andy stark naked and sound asleep in their mother's bed. Chris Bauer said he had been hitting the gym and he has. And those boys now have cell phone photographic proof of the tightness of Andy's behind.

Re Andy: There is one little tidbit in Andy's story that we need to remember for future episodes. Andy is eating at Merlottes when a Judge comes in and asks Andy to fix a ticket for his son. Andy agrees to do it, but that is not the point. After all, this is a small town and corruption and entitlement abound. But in the world of True Blood, little crimes do not go unpunished. That Judge is bound for a disastrous end and all I can say is I hope it is not at the hand of the werewolves. Don't know if I can stomach any more dog meat.

Arlene, Terry and Patrick:

Arlene and Terry have invited his old friend(?)/Marine corp buddy Patrick for dinner at Terry's grandmother's home. They are camping out with Terry's relatives because their home was destroyed in a fire last season. Coby and Lisa are at the table which always makes my day. But the tension between dear Terry and Patrick is palpable, especially when they discuss the fire. We later find out that several members of their old platoon have had fires. Terry vehemently states that he wants nothing to do with this problem, which means that Terry will spend the entire season trying to find out what is going on with those fires.


It is the beginning of the season and everyone is at odds which is where they need to be for a fun story. They are loading on the conflict between Sookie and Eric and Jason and Jessica. Hell, even Chris Bauer gets laid and his behind immediately hits Youtube.

Remember, what we will never get out of True Blood is a narrator who states "This my little chickadees is what is happening right now." And that is the fun, looking at what we see the characters do and then trying to figure out what is really going on.

It's roller coaster time and we just got in line.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.




True Blood
Ruminations on Seasons I -IV

The Fifth Season of True Blood starts Sunday, June 10th at 9PM and after much hemming and hawing, New York Cool (I like to speak of myself in the plural) will be recapping.

The cast and crew of True Blood has spent the last eight months cooking up their traditional blood-based gumbo of sex and violence by tossing southern white trash, vampires, werewolves, werepanthers and fairies into a cast iron pot and seasoning with a twist of camp.

The result: The best carnival ride in town. The creatives behind Blood (Alan Ball and crew) know how to build a roller coaster. There are quiet tender moments and then the show hits a vertical drop and Sookie and all the viewers in the cars behind her SCREAM!

So start checking back on Tuesday nights as New York Cool Drinks True Blood.

But before we start, here are a few comments about seasons I-IV.

Good and Evil

Regardless of what you read on the message boards (if you a True Blood fanatic, you read the boards), True Blood is not a story about good and evil told in tones of white and black. It can't be because no one is truly good, including our heroine, Miss Sookie Stackhouse. The stories and the characters in Blood are created from a palette of grays.

Neither Eric (played by Alexander Skarsgaard) or Bill (played by Stephen Moyer) are good vampires. They are evil ruthless SOB's with a problem: they are both desperately in love with a sweet southern belle/fairy and want her to believe they are good men/vampires, so they pretend to be gentlemen. (Well, Eric, not so much.)

And as for this being in love business - they did it to themselves. They both saw her and were attracted to her (for different reasons initially) and plotted to get her to drink their blood so they could track both how she felt and where she was at all times. But this ploy backfired on them - once their blood was inside her and they were signed up for Fairy Central twenty-four seven, they were as hooked on her as she was to them.

(Warning to new Season V character Roman [played by Christopher Meloni]: Do not feed Miss Stackhouse your blood. You have the responsibility of running The Authority and cannot spare the time to lurk around Bon Temps like one of Nan's love sick puppy dogs. Besides, Miss Stackhouse's porch is already groaning under the weight of her present suitors.)

This tracking her so they could know how she felt and could manipulate her was initially a good idea on the part of Bill and Eric because these two Princes of Darkness had absolutely no social skills. Vampires had only been out of the closet for two years when the series started. Before that, they had been hidden and any time they wanted to interact with a human, they could glamour them thus getting no feedback to help them "improve their act."

Eric Northman was particularly disadvantaged. Eric's only interactions with women after he opened Fangtasia consisted of pointing at the hottest fangbanger in the club that night and saying, "Hey you, come here." Plus he was turned thousand years ago and Vikings were known for pillaging not manners. So when he falls for Sookie, he has absolutely no clue how to proceed and ends up acting like an eight grade boy pretending he doesn't have a crush on the prettiest cheerleader.

Bill Compton, with only a hundred and fifty years of vampire fun under his belt, has a bit of a memory of how a human male with good manners is supposed to act, but even he initially had a hard time pretending to be a Southern gentleman. And as soon as Sookie kicked him to the curb at the end of Season III, he reverted to being the devious, hypocritical, blood-thirsty vampire we saw in the flashbacks of Season II.

Here is a litany of their crimes against Sookie:


Letting the Ratray's beat Sookie within an inch of her life so he could feed her his blood. He may have even set the whole thing up.

Allowing the fabulous three to terrorize Sookie so he could then proclaim Sookie as his and she would be "grateful" for the rescue.

Leaving fang marks on Sookie's neck when he knew there was a serial killer loose and targeting women who associated with vampires, even though he knew that many of the victims were killed in the daylight when he could not protect her.

Draining her in the back of Alcide's van even though he was conscious enough of his actions to put his hand over her mouth so she could not scream and alert Alcide.

Lying to her incessantly - not even telling her that he was able to walk in the sun after drinking her blood.

Letting her walk in on him and Katerina when they were not quite dressed after having sex. Does anyone believe the man does not have a lock on his door or a closet where he could have glamored and stashed his paramour?

Not apologizing to her for his numerous crimes at the end of Season IV even after she apologized to him for lying to him and falling in love with his arch nemesis - Northman.


Having Bill bring Sookie to Fangtasia to ostensibly help him find out who stole the money. Does anyone believe he did not already know it was Long Shadow (he could glamour the humans and inquire)? The whole situation was such a set up (one of Eric's long term games) - the goal being to either have Bill kill Long Shadow (a serious Vampire crime) or Long Shadow kill Bill (same crime so no more Long Shadow too). The first thing out of Eric mouth after Bill asked what Eric planned to do about his crime was "I'll take the girl." (Pam was already attempting to dress their new pet in an outfit that miraculously turns out to be in Sookie's size.) Revisit this scene and look how quietly pleased Eric looks when he first starts his conversation with Bill after Long Shadow's death. And then look at the shocked look on this face when Bill says "No."

Taking Bill to be tried by Magister for Long Shadow's death while there was a serial killer loose in Bon Temps with the idea that the Magister would get rid of Bill for him, but not thinking that perhaps the serial killer would get rid of Sookie at the same time. Eric backtracked a bit at the magister and helped Bill because he had seen how Sookie looked at Bill when they left for the magister and he realized that if he came calling after Bill disappeared, she would never look at him that way. (This was before Eric had either drank Sookie's blood of fed her his. He was obviously already falling for her so it wasn't all just the blood.).

Calling Lorena to Dallas which set up a avalanche of woes for the woman he supposedly wanted. Lorena kept Bill captive so he could not come to Sookie's aid while Eric could not seem to figure out that it does not take forty eight hours to call on a parson (Sookie was locked in the church basement for two nights). As I said, you don't learn too much about how things work in the human world when you have only been "out of the coffin" for two years. And let's be fair - Eric had never tried to join a church so perhaps he did not know how long these things take. (I am being facetious.)

Then there was the debacle of killing Talbot and setting off Russell Edgington. This woe was set into play by Eric calling Lorena to Dallas. If he had never made that call, Lorena would have made it to seventy-one years without seeing Bill (as in out of sight, out of mind) and she would not have gone to Mississippi to set up Bill's kidnapping, so neither Sookie, Bill or Eric would have ended up in Mississippi. So how does Eric solve his mishegas? He chains our heroine in his basement, putting a slave collar around her neck and then invites Russell to join him in a Sookie blood buffet while she screams in pain and terror and then passes out from being drained. And this was supposedly forgivable because the purpose of her near death was so he could trick Russell into going outside with him where the sun would presumably kill Russell first (in True Blood rules, the oldest vamp fries first) and hopefully save them all.

Smart Vampire Versus Dumb Vampire

A good part of the trash talk on the forums is between people who think Eric is smart and Bill is an idiot and vice versa. Well, IMHO they are both occasionally written as bumbling fools.


Bill agreeing to take Sookie to Fangtasia in the first place. What did he think would happen when Eric saw her?

Bill thinking it was okay to glamour that cop in front of Sookie.

Eric thinking it was okay to have your vampire associate explode in a cloud of red gunk all over the woman you were trying to take away from that silly Bill.

Eric not realizing that Sookie would be furious about the way he treated Lafayette and then trying to make amends by healing Lafayette and giving him a sports car.

Eric chomping down on Hadley and then hearing that she is Sookie's cousin - that must have been one big WTF moment in his head.

Eric staking Talbot and THEN trying to figure out what to do about the three thousand year old vampire who would be gunning for him and anyone he knows.

Both of them thinking it would be a smart idea to bury a three thousand year old vampire in cement.

Bill thinking it would be a good idea to bury Eric in cement and trust that Rubin would take out Pam.

Eric starting his courtship of Sookie at the start of Season IV by menacing her by flashing fang and declaring that she was his and then having to back pedal and try Plans B, C. D and E before leaving with a promise to fix the back door.

Bill thinking it would be a good idea to send Eric to break up the Wiccans by himself.

Eric thinking it would be a good idea to break up the Wiccans by himself.

Bill thinking for even one moment that he could get away with staking Eric without serious consequences from the Authority and Sookie.

And on and on.

Miss Sookie Herself

Having established (IMHO) that both Bill and Eric are occasionally idiotic villains who attempt to act human but end up performing like dogs dancing on their hind legs, here is the next plot point: Sookie knows and she really doesn't care. Unlike her book counterpart, True Blood Sookie does not hold grudges - she just fishes her underwear out of the punch bowl, cleans the latest dead body off her kitchen floor and goes on with her life.

In Season IV, Sookie fell in love with a young innocent amnesiac Eric, seeing a part of him that had been deeply buried after years of being a Vampire. Then after she fell in love with him, when she saw Eric rip out one Wiccans' throat and another's heart, her only reaction was a perplexed look on her face - the kind of look you get when your adored German Shepherd puppy kills a squirrel.

At the end of Season IV, Sookie also admits that she still loves Bill making many in the fandom spit their grits. Hey, this is not a politically correct show and Sookie and the writers are obviously not tuned into the latest psycho babble about how abused women are supposed to act.

If Sookie was a truly sensible girl (with no blood compulsion), by the end of Season II (not III), she would have concluded that she had obviously fallen in with bad companions and from now on she would resolve to avoid "rough trade" and our show would have been over.

But thank the goddesses and whatever Lafayette worships, neither Bill or Eric are truly good men/vampires and Sookie does not have the good sense to stop touching their "hot stoves" so we get to enjoy the vicarious thrill of True Blood's gray Louisiana gumbo.

You may have noticed that I have not written about any of the other characters and their stories. That's cuz they come and go like lightning off in the distance, similar to the comedians who took to the vaudeville stage while the stage burglars changed the set for the next act. These characters are only truly interesting when they interact with the main story line and none of them are interesting enough to spin off into their own series except for Jessica and Lafayette. Those two could move into an Apartment B-like TV show together and I would watch. Hell, they could take turns reading the Fios agreement and I would listen.

Check Back on Tuesday night, June 12th for the recap of Season V Episode I.

Comments: Email with True Blood in the subject line.








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