Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture


Ask Miss Wendy
L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher

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Oh dear Miss Wendy,

I hope you are able to help me with my problem. I don’t know where else to turn. I keep receiving email messages on my computer asking me if I would like to enlarge my ……..well you know. How did they know? Am I on some kind of very sophisticated marketing list targeted to men who are not well………. well…. you know?


Dear Traumie,

Please rest assured. These are just random emails, sent to just anyone, including your dear Miss Wendy. But I do understand how traumatized you must feel. The first time I received such an email (are women complaining that you are too small etc. etc.) I immediately rushed to the bathroom mirror to see if I had forgotten to wax my upper lip. Being reassured by the image of a still beautiful woman, I then, in a fit of pique, forwarded the offending email to a former male friend with the notation “I seem to still be receiving your mail.” This was not one of Miss Wendy’s prouder moments.

But if you are in fact concerned about this and want to enlarge your johnson, you can resort to an old fashioned method, well known to young men in Miss Wendy’s time. Buy a copy of Playboy (or Playgirl depending on …..oh well, you know) and then…….and then…….and then…….oh well, you know.

Dear Miss Wendy,

So how do you know the New York Sex Scene – you’re from Texas and you may not be in your twenties. Huh? Huh?


Dear Skeppie,

That would only be a problem if sex changed, things were different – new technology like computers for instance where you are constantly being required to throw out the stuff you’ve been using and buy new. But it hasn’t, it couldn’t. If you were smart enough to figure out how to play with Legos when you were a kid, you understand sex. No one is manufacturing new body parts. And sex isn’t different in New York, it’s just funnier. More pretentious, lots more opportunities to poke fun

Dear Miss Wendy,

I am still not convinced. You look like my mother after a trip to see the Wizard of Oz. And just who are those boys? I hope they are not your children.

- More Skeptical than ever

Dear Morrie,

A picture is worth a thousand words.
Here is Miss Wendy in the days when she was actively conducting research with great professionalism and commitment to her craft:

Miss Wendy
"Do you have a tape measure handy?”

And here is a much older wiser Miss Wendy sitting at her trusty computer tabulating the results of decades of research:

Miss Wendy
"Actually about the size of my cell phone"

P. S. Those are not my sons. They are some lovely young men who APPRECIATE the wise words that come from my pearly lips like you would if you had any sense…..sorry, I really am getting a little snippy. But that’s all the advice I have. See you next time.Miss Wendy

Do You have a Question for Miss Wendy?
Email her at newyorkcoolstuff@aol.com


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