Miss Wendy's Texas Love Advice
Plus Some Occasional Comments on the
State of the Popular Culture

L-R: Michael Mazocco, Wendy R. Williams, Armistead Johnson
Photo: Stephen Mosher

Dear Miss Wendy,

I bought a telescope last year to view the stars (the heavenly ones of course),and since I have a very cramped apartment, I have been storing it in my living room, next to the window actually. First, I just enjoyed looking at it – it was cool looking, sort of a free-standing piece of art. But then one day I looked through it and realized that I could see right into this young couple’s bedroom. Well, one thing led to another and now I find that I am obsessed. Every night I watch them as they, well… you know. I can’t bear to go out for fear I will miss something. All my friendships have deteriorated and I eat nothing but junk food (Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Pringles, etc.). And lately, I am beginning to think they know that I am watching. They give me little signals like “thumbs up” or the occasional “OK” sign. Do you think it would be improper if I should walk over and introduced myself?

Yours truly,
Obsessed

Dear Obbie,
Please don’t. You take the risk of ruining the intimacy of a very fragile threesome. But if, after a particularly gifted performance you would like to send them a subtle gesture of appreciation, you could put on your best smoking jacket and walk out on your balcony and smoke a post coital fag while blasting a Cole Porter CD.

Fondly yours,
Miss Wendy

P. S. I am considering upgrading my telescope and am looking a the Brookstone Model # 410480 ($595 at www.brookstone.com.) What do you think?

Dear Miss Wendy,

Halloween is coming and my boyfriend wants me to dress up as Barbara Bush? He says it would really turn him on? Do you think this is a little weird?

Sincerely,
Perplexed

Dear Perp,
Boring, yes. Weird, no. Just blow your hair straight, wear something Ralph Lauren and try to look like a smug, self satisfied Yale coed.

Dear Miss Wendy,

Not that Barbara Bush, and I think she is boring too. He wants me to dress up like the old one, in a replica of her blue inaugural gown. And I can’t blow my hair straight, I am a bald “MAN.”

Sincerely,
More Perplexed

Dear Perp,

Sorry about the confusion. But you have a much more serious problem then the need to buy a white wig and eight strands of pearls. Barbara Bush senior is no campy diva, and I highly suspect that your boyfriend may be a closeted Log Cabin Republican.